2/12 I Want To Be Strong, But I Am Weak

I was discussing this with Khanh last night (I slept at his place because I was too tired), but the reason why I am trying to grow muscles is because I want to look stronger. Why? Because I think that a man is supposed to be strong, and if he is not, then there is something wrong.

Ugh, I wanted to say more about this but I'm really tired right now (didn't sleep so well...) so I might just finish my oatmeal and go back to sleep!

2/8 Not Answering

After yesterday's post, I've been thinking about this issue a bit more.

First thing, sometimes when I talk to someone I don't get any answer. That usually means that they don't want to talk to me anymore. Which is weird since they used to talk to me much more. So why is that? Well, I'm not entirely sure. But it is true that sometimes I stop talking to some people (well I tell them that I'm not interested anymore) because I realized that I did not like them. For example, there is Yifan, who I thought was a cool guy, but who was in reality a really stupid person. Well I told him I was only interested in being friends, and that's what happened. Well, if he talks to me, I will always answer. And if he wants to meet me, well I'll have to say no, because I have other things to do and hanging out with my friends is not that important right now. And then, after some time that I haven't seen one of my friend, we start not being friends anymore, and that stops there. But it seems like these people who don't answer me want to stop their friendship right away, just like this. Oh well, I suppose it's just that they are not really honest and do not understand that they are not interested in me anymore... Does it suck for them? No. Does it suck for me? Oh yes. :(

I suppose I'm really scared of being rejected. Maybe that's because I've been rejected so much when I was a kid. And now I want a "normal life", so I want people to like me. For example, I was a really shy person, so I tried to become more sociable, and I think I did it. I talk much more now, I'm not scared of meeting people I don't know, of saying what I think, etc. People thought I had a weak body so I worked out to show them that I could be strong. People like good looking people, so I've taken care of my appearance. Etc. All the time, I want people to like me. Is it working? I don't think so. Maybe...

Oh, and Ricardo finally answered me. He's talking in a friendly way, which I wasn't expecting at all. Well, that's cool! :)

Second thing, I need a lot of attention. That's probably because I don't have many friends or not close friends or whatever. But when I meet someone, I keep texting that person over and over again. And so, naturally, they get tired of me I suppose... :S Not a good thing when I want people to like me... Oh well, I suppose I'll find a way to text a bit less, or at least I should try :)

ok, that's it for today! gonna go back to my stuff!

2/7 Always Have To Do Everything

Ugh... I had insomnia last night, again... I took the two last pills, but they don't seem to work anymore... So I woke up to drink milk, and that probably did it... I also texted Ricardo at 1am, told him that I would just go away if we didn't meet more often (it's been two weeks) and I read his answer when I woke up, he said that he's sorry, he doesn't have time for dating... wow, what a great way to start a day.

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I really am completely lost. I really think I want a bf, someone to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. I want someone to spend good time with. But all I get are people too busy with their lives or people I'm not interested in. Am I difficult? I'm not asking for Mr. Perfect, not at all, yet all those Mr. Good = Mr. Busy... wtf is wrong?

I always have to do everything. And it never works out. If I want a friend to talk to me, I have to talk to them first. I'm always the first one to text, the first one to chat, etc. Does it show how much people like me? Well sure it does. So why don't people like me? I have no idea. I'm definitely not perfect, but I also think I'm a great person.

Maybe I'm no fun... I mean, I don't really believe in fun anymore, so any activity has become quite boring for me. Well in fact, I don't like to go out anymore. I don't like to party, I don't like to spend time with my friends, etc. That's probably why people don't like me lol No wait, that isn't funny. :(

Well I suppose what I want is have a friend or boyfriend who I like and who likes me. For now, I have one: Khanh. Well, I'm glad, but I want more... Because I really feel lonely...

:(

But I'm so tired of looking for someone like that. Why don't they find me instead? Why can't I just relax a little bit?

I'm so tired of all the shit happening to me... :(