So I'm gonna go to Toronto tomorrow. Why? Well, because Khanh gave me the idea of doing a surprise to Eason for his birthday. And he offered me a ride, that with motivation I guess. Because for example if Eason doesn't want to see me, then I still have a backup plan (i.e. I'll come back with Khanh the same day). But I doubt it will happen, as I've secretly asked Eason if he would like me to come for his birthday, and he said yes :)
So yeah, I'm pretty excited. So excited. So excited. Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday. Fun fun fun fun fun. But seriously, that's how I feel. A 13 yo highschool girl. Can't work without thinking about it. I guess it would have been better if he knew, but keeping the surprise is really exciting.
I booked a hotel room, but I was able to get it cancelled today after a few calls (and refunded, even if it was nonrefundable). Whatever happens, Khanh will come back in the evening, so if i can't stay then I'll see Eason for one day. If I can stay, then I'll just take a bus when I have to leave :) I'm pretty sure Eason will be happy to host me, but I can't be exactly sure since I haven't asked him. So I guess when I call him tomorrow to say that I'm in Toronto, I'll just say that I'm in Toronto for one day, and will ask him if I can see him :) We'll see what happens afterwards!
So excited.
:)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
6/27 Eason
So, Eason came back on Friday. Let's say I had sex with other guys on the days before, and I was thinking of him just like any other, so just like I used to see him before. Casual sex. His friend came here with him, so I didn't really know what to expect. I mean, maybe we wouldn't have sex but just hang out, and I was pretty fine with that. I knew Eason was a nice guy, so I knew being around him was fun even with no sex. So anyway, I wasn't expecting anything, and so I had sex the night before (in fact I didn't sleep much with Simon, since we had sex three times; Simon is a guy who likes to suck me, and so on Tuesday and Wednesday he sucked me in the washrooms of Trottier, and Thursday I went to his place and slept there with him).
When I arrived at his room, I wasn't sure if Eason was alone or not, but he started hugging me and kissing, and so I went with it, while looking around. His friend was away, he left to give us some time, so we HAD to have sex. I wasn't prepared for this at all, but I just went along with it, though it was weird when I realized he was much more passionate in bed than I was.
And that's when I thought that I just thought of him as a hookup guy, nothing else. It's true that we used to cuddle, kiss, and so "love" each other when he came twice here (we met at the nye's foursome, then he came back during my study break and I made him sick, and then he came back again in late April) but I do the same with every other guy. It's true I've always liked him, but I never really thought he liked me that much in return. So I realized when we had sex on Friday. He really liked me, not just for sex.
His friend being around, we went clubbing, shopping, eating, hanging around, the three of us. It was different as it wasn't only me and Eason having sex in a hotel bed all day, but also going out and seeing how he talked to a friend, and having to know a friend of his, and asking questions to that friend to know more about Eason. And I found out Eason really liked me, since he would talk about me when he goes back to Toronto.
On Friday night, I wanted to suck him, and I swallowed his cum. That's something I usually never do. But I wanted to, because I knew he loved me and so I thought it was fine. I mean, it was HIM, so it doesn't matter whatever we do, since he's special. That was probably the first thing I noticed about me treating him as special.
On Saturday night we went to Unity, and just dancing with him, getting close but not as close as I would with Fan (i.e. keeping a reasonable distance I guess). And when we decided to go back to the hotel, the two of us since his friend was going with another guy, we obviously had sex, and I wanted to fuck him, and I did without a condom. It's weird, because I felt to some point it was natural, and to some other there was an excuse that we were drunk. It's not that without a condom is better, it's just that I loved Eason so much that I considered him special enough to do it raw.
It smelled really bad and I had poo on my T-shirt, but whatever, it didn't last long and I went cleaning right afterwards... We had sex later during the night when his friend came back (we had sex while his friend was sleeping the night before too).
Anyway, that's for the sex part. But I got to see how he acted with someone else other than me. And that is probably what changed my idea I had. I stopped thinking of Eason as a nice guy but started seeing him as a special guy. A guy I wanted to treat differently from any other guy. But I did bareback, and I might have gotten him sick (hey I'm a slut, even if I'm safe), but at least I felt bad about it, instead of other guys who I usually don't care if they get sick after swallowing my cum or something. But I really felt bad about it and so I told Eason. He was pretty understandable, and at the same time I told him I loved him, and was getting pretty sentimental about him leaving again, just when I realized I had strong feelings for him. And after I realized he came to see me and only me three times in four months... I felt like he liked me more than what I thought.
Anyway, I told him I loved him. I don't know if it's true love or whatever. I just know there haven't been a guy who I've been considering that special in a long time. I guess the last one was Andy (i.e. he was special to me and I was ready to do something to him for example; but it was one-way love). It reminded me that I didn't really love my previous boyfriends, I didn't want to do anything for them in return, but just be myself. I thought this was because of the way I am/think/behave, but maybe it was just because I didn't really love these guys. I considered them as hookup guys I have sex with. And I didn't want to get attached to them.
But Eason is different. When we had to leave, and when I came back to my place and felt sad for all day, I found it similar to when I had to leave my first love. I was ten at that time, but I really felt like everything was gone, I felt really sad. I felt sad when Christian, my first "real" bf left, but I think it was just because I was losing him (i.e. I didn't have anyone in my life, so losing him was losing everything). So it was just loneliness and not love. So maybe all my love problems were about being alone and falling in love because of that. I don't I've ever felt alone while I've known Eason. At first, I was in a relationship with Fan, who I never really loved. Then I was single but not looking for love. And now I guess I found out the meaning of love. When both really love each other. Not too much, not too little. Just enough.
Guys who love me were always REALLY in love. I say that they see me like a God. And those I fell in love really never felt the same way in return, probably because of the same thing. lol Anyway, it went well with Eason, because of the distance I guess.
So, I talked about it with Khanh, my roommate, and he thought I should go to Toronto for Eason's birthday next weekend. And Khanh wants to go with me, so that I don't go alone. It sounds pretty cool, and it would be a surprise for Eason, and I actually feel really excited about it :) I miss him, and I think we would see each other in a different situation (me at his place for the first time), so it can't be a bad thing, and could help our relationship to go somewhere. Because for now, like we talked together, our only problem is the distance between us. But I don't think it's that much of a distance. If we see each other from time to time every 3 or 4 weeks, then it should be enough :) Let's see how things go!
But anyway, I'm not super excited, I don't feel like I'm the happiest guy in the world, I don't feel like telling everybody, I don't feel like I've met the guy of my life, but... I think I'm in love. A rational love. For the first time in my life?
When I arrived at his room, I wasn't sure if Eason was alone or not, but he started hugging me and kissing, and so I went with it, while looking around. His friend was away, he left to give us some time, so we HAD to have sex. I wasn't prepared for this at all, but I just went along with it, though it was weird when I realized he was much more passionate in bed than I was.
And that's when I thought that I just thought of him as a hookup guy, nothing else. It's true that we used to cuddle, kiss, and so "love" each other when he came twice here (we met at the nye's foursome, then he came back during my study break and I made him sick, and then he came back again in late April) but I do the same with every other guy. It's true I've always liked him, but I never really thought he liked me that much in return. So I realized when we had sex on Friday. He really liked me, not just for sex.
His friend being around, we went clubbing, shopping, eating, hanging around, the three of us. It was different as it wasn't only me and Eason having sex in a hotel bed all day, but also going out and seeing how he talked to a friend, and having to know a friend of his, and asking questions to that friend to know more about Eason. And I found out Eason really liked me, since he would talk about me when he goes back to Toronto.
On Friday night, I wanted to suck him, and I swallowed his cum. That's something I usually never do. But I wanted to, because I knew he loved me and so I thought it was fine. I mean, it was HIM, so it doesn't matter whatever we do, since he's special. That was probably the first thing I noticed about me treating him as special.
On Saturday night we went to Unity, and just dancing with him, getting close but not as close as I would with Fan (i.e. keeping a reasonable distance I guess). And when we decided to go back to the hotel, the two of us since his friend was going with another guy, we obviously had sex, and I wanted to fuck him, and I did without a condom. It's weird, because I felt to some point it was natural, and to some other there was an excuse that we were drunk. It's not that without a condom is better, it's just that I loved Eason so much that I considered him special enough to do it raw.
It smelled really bad and I had poo on my T-shirt, but whatever, it didn't last long and I went cleaning right afterwards... We had sex later during the night when his friend came back (we had sex while his friend was sleeping the night before too).
Anyway, that's for the sex part. But I got to see how he acted with someone else other than me. And that is probably what changed my idea I had. I stopped thinking of Eason as a nice guy but started seeing him as a special guy. A guy I wanted to treat differently from any other guy. But I did bareback, and I might have gotten him sick (hey I'm a slut, even if I'm safe), but at least I felt bad about it, instead of other guys who I usually don't care if they get sick after swallowing my cum or something. But I really felt bad about it and so I told Eason. He was pretty understandable, and at the same time I told him I loved him, and was getting pretty sentimental about him leaving again, just when I realized I had strong feelings for him. And after I realized he came to see me and only me three times in four months... I felt like he liked me more than what I thought.
Anyway, I told him I loved him. I don't know if it's true love or whatever. I just know there haven't been a guy who I've been considering that special in a long time. I guess the last one was Andy (i.e. he was special to me and I was ready to do something to him for example; but it was one-way love). It reminded me that I didn't really love my previous boyfriends, I didn't want to do anything for them in return, but just be myself. I thought this was because of the way I am/think/behave, but maybe it was just because I didn't really love these guys. I considered them as hookup guys I have sex with. And I didn't want to get attached to them.
But Eason is different. When we had to leave, and when I came back to my place and felt sad for all day, I found it similar to when I had to leave my first love. I was ten at that time, but I really felt like everything was gone, I felt really sad. I felt sad when Christian, my first "real" bf left, but I think it was just because I was losing him (i.e. I didn't have anyone in my life, so losing him was losing everything). So it was just loneliness and not love. So maybe all my love problems were about being alone and falling in love because of that. I don't I've ever felt alone while I've known Eason. At first, I was in a relationship with Fan, who I never really loved. Then I was single but not looking for love. And now I guess I found out the meaning of love. When both really love each other. Not too much, not too little. Just enough.
Guys who love me were always REALLY in love. I say that they see me like a God. And those I fell in love really never felt the same way in return, probably because of the same thing. lol Anyway, it went well with Eason, because of the distance I guess.
So, I talked about it with Khanh, my roommate, and he thought I should go to Toronto for Eason's birthday next weekend. And Khanh wants to go with me, so that I don't go alone. It sounds pretty cool, and it would be a surprise for Eason, and I actually feel really excited about it :) I miss him, and I think we would see each other in a different situation (me at his place for the first time), so it can't be a bad thing, and could help our relationship to go somewhere. Because for now, like we talked together, our only problem is the distance between us. But I don't think it's that much of a distance. If we see each other from time to time every 3 or 4 weeks, then it should be enough :) Let's see how things go!
But anyway, I'm not super excited, I don't feel like I'm the happiest guy in the world, I don't feel like telling everybody, I don't feel like I've met the guy of my life, but... I think I'm in love. A rational love. For the first time in my life?
Saturday, June 18, 2011
6/18 A Quickie
Oh well, I guess it was just a quickie. One time sex. Then too much "you're a nice guy and I like you" shit for nothing... FUCK YOU!!
Yeah, pissed off. Lost my time again. Again. It's always the same thing happening. Yet I guess I like being hurt.
Yeah, pissed off. Lost my time again. Again. It's always the same thing happening. Yet I guess I like being hurt.
6/18 To Be Like Others Or Not To Be
Sometimes I have feelings. For example, something people call love. And I would like to experience them, live them as other people do or think they do.
Some other times, I am rational. For example, love is something that isn't true. And why would I spend time doing something that doesn't make any sense?
So I'm stuck trying to find out who I am, and how I react to things. I guess it's just an existential crisis that's way longer than usual. I want to be overly rational about everything (moral nihilism) but yet I find myself in need of emotions. Should I do like everyone else, or should I do completely different as the standards?
And, why do I always want to be different from others?
Some other times, I am rational. For example, love is something that isn't true. And why would I spend time doing something that doesn't make any sense?
So I'm stuck trying to find out who I am, and how I react to things. I guess it's just an existential crisis that's way longer than usual. I want to be overly rational about everything (moral nihilism) but yet I find myself in need of emotions. Should I do like everyone else, or should I do completely different as the standards?
And, why do I always want to be different from others?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
6/16 Nok and Facebook
So I want a relationship. I've got all sad because Nok didn't answer me yet. Nothing. Anyway, tomorrow I might be sleeping with that old guy Lucca. I'm probably gonna be a regular, since I lowered the price to 80... I guess I kind of like to know that someone likes me back. Even if it's just my body. Having an old ugly guy liking myself is great I think. I'm glad I can make him happy. And it makes me some money that I can use to save and help me out. It's cool to see in front of you someone you make happy, when not so many would be able to do so.
Then, on Friday, my roommate is gonna have a party at our place. On Saturday I'm going to La Ronde with friends. And on Sunday I'm moving. So if Nok wants to sleep with me before I move, it has to be either tomorrow (and I say no to Lucca) or Saturday.
I've written some stuff on facebook lately, I'll put them here since it's worth it I guess.
+++
Why Are Kids Smarter Than Us?
I've heard it a lot: "Kids are so smart!" And from the view of a middle-aged woman who's given her life to the capitalist society, yes, it is true. And this sentence already explained everything.
When adults hear or see something that kids do and that they find amazingly smart, it is not necessarily because it is a "smart" thing, but mostly because it is something they wouldn't be able to do or think. They are impressed by the kids' "power" of going beyond the socially accepted. Yet all the kids do is using their freedom to express ideas that hopefully don't mean anything to them. They just say or do anything without thinking, without fearing any consequence. And that is why adults, who don't have this freedom anymore, are impressed by kids. They haven't been determined to follow the rules of society yet.
In the process of becoming an adult, one has to fit in society. It involves socializing with other people, creating and maintaining an image of yourself, and finding ways to have money. On the other hand, most of kids don't have to do any of these. Kids are free. They can do and say whatever is on their minds. Parents, and society in general, will force them to fit in society, by forcing the kids to have friends, to look good in front of others, to have a good education for a good job, etc. And in fact, by doing so adults take away all freedom of thought and action from the children. They make their children dumb. Kids need to be adults, it's better for them than being smart.
Kids aren't really smarter than adults. They just have more freedom. Adults don't even take the time to think about this. They don't have time, and they don't really think they could be smart anyway. They just want to believe that these smart kids will think for them, so that they can enjoy their weekend from a laborious week of work. Sadly, by that attitude they are just showing their kids that being smart isn't necessary in this world.
Notes: Obviously I am using generalities, as not every kid is the same, nor every adult, but I am doing so since my claims are based on a general idea that kids are smart.
I am not trying to imply that being smart is better than fitting in society, nor the opposite. In fact, I do not think one is better than the other, I am just answering to a question that is obvious with some thinking.
+++
God Doesn’t Exist
I find this fact one of the most trivial (I probably realized its authenticity when I was around 8 or 9), yet I observe it is a pain in the ass to talk about it to people who haven’t figured it out yet.
So, what is God? God is a creation of human society in order to explain what these people do not have the knowledge of. It is, therefore, a way for people to get rid of their rationality, by having the possibility to get answers without thinking. Science, by bringing answers to numerous questions human beings had, made it apparent that religion was wrong. In fact, it proved the non-existence of God.
Even if this is understood by many people already, some human beings still don’t have this chance. In order to fit into society, or to get quick answers to some questions, one might have to believe in a religion. But why would there be a problem if someone wants to believe in something? Shouldn’t we all accept we have different beliefs?
Well, everything is in that word: “belief”. A belief is something that is considered to be true by someone. But it is NOT true (it is neither true nor false). The belief that men are worth more than women is simply a belief, it is not a reality. Science has proven the fact that men and women are equal beings, and so it is a reality. The belief that blue is a better looking color than red is not a reality. If we start to let people believe that one color is better than the other, then we let them having beliefs that are socially considered good, just like we give them choice of religion.
We can choose to live in a lie. We can choose to let ourselves be brainwashed by others. We can choose to believe. But we can also choose to be rational. We can choose to know, to understand, the truth. Even if we are stuck in a group of believers, we can think and find the real answers by ourselves (but it is much faster with the help of other rational people). There is no need for beliefs anymore in our world, we have gotten enough answers to have a pretty good idea of how things work. And if we keep thinking rationally, why can’t we find all the true answers?
+++
What would you say if you knew...
What would you say if you knew that you know nothing at all about me?
What would you say if you knew that Johann isn't my real name?
What would you say if you knew that I am an alcoholic and drug addict?
What would you say if you knew I don't think anything is good or bad?
What would you say if you knew that I hate everyone?
What would you say if you knew that I am a prostitute?
What would you say if you knew that I consider myself much superior than everyone else?
What would you say if you knew that I am a serial killer?
What would you say if you knew I am oppressed by our society?
What would you say if you knew that there are naked pictures and videos of me all over the Internet?
What would you say if you knew I like piss and shit play?
What would you say if you knew that I am a pedophile?
If you knew all of this, you would, I suppose, think I have a problem.
But where is the real problem?
What makes you better than me?
What gives you the right to think I have a problem?
Everyone is different.
There is nothing good or bad about it.
So why do you still want to believe some things are wrong?
Why can't you just let people do whatever they want? If they don't physically hurt anyone.
Because yes, it is true that nobody here knows much about me. Some know bits, some don't know anything. There are things I have to hide. I have to hide myself from others. I don't want people to say negative things about me. I don't want people to be scared of me, despise me, hate me, etc. I just want people to be able to accept me even if I am different.
I want this to happen:
Me: "You know, I'm pedophile."
You: "Oh, really? That's so cool! What kind of stuff you do exactly?"
Me: "I take pictures of the neighbors' kids."
You: "Oh! Yeah, they're so cute!!"
But no, that will not happen soon. So I would have to hide that I am a pedophile, and maybe even hide it to myself, simply because it is considered a "problem" in our society. But seriously, what is wrong in watching naked children? It is to protect them? But how do you protect the pedophile who can't even do what he likes to do? He is passionate about it and yet you want to take away his fun because many people once came to the conclusion that being pedophile was morally incorrect?
Where is the harm? Who is hurt? No, the little girl is completely happy. The pedophile is not. He is hurt by society's morality.
You don't know anything about me, but I am hurt all the time by the stupid morality of our society.
But you don't care, because you think I am the evil.
What would you say if you knew I am hurt more by you than I hurt others by being crazy?
+++
I guess I wrote these because I wanted to be honest and write about truths, that people still don't understand. I also blocked everything on my facebook, so even my friends can't see much, only my pictures and my wall posts... I guess it's part of my hiding from society.
Ok, that's all for today, should go to sleep now! :)
Then, on Friday, my roommate is gonna have a party at our place. On Saturday I'm going to La Ronde with friends. And on Sunday I'm moving. So if Nok wants to sleep with me before I move, it has to be either tomorrow (and I say no to Lucca) or Saturday.
I've written some stuff on facebook lately, I'll put them here since it's worth it I guess.
+++
Why Are Kids Smarter Than Us?
I've heard it a lot: "Kids are so smart!" And from the view of a middle-aged woman who's given her life to the capitalist society, yes, it is true. And this sentence already explained everything.
When adults hear or see something that kids do and that they find amazingly smart, it is not necessarily because it is a "smart" thing, but mostly because it is something they wouldn't be able to do or think. They are impressed by the kids' "power" of going beyond the socially accepted. Yet all the kids do is using their freedom to express ideas that hopefully don't mean anything to them. They just say or do anything without thinking, without fearing any consequence. And that is why adults, who don't have this freedom anymore, are impressed by kids. They haven't been determined to follow the rules of society yet.
In the process of becoming an adult, one has to fit in society. It involves socializing with other people, creating and maintaining an image of yourself, and finding ways to have money. On the other hand, most of kids don't have to do any of these. Kids are free. They can do and say whatever is on their minds. Parents, and society in general, will force them to fit in society, by forcing the kids to have friends, to look good in front of others, to have a good education for a good job, etc. And in fact, by doing so adults take away all freedom of thought and action from the children. They make their children dumb. Kids need to be adults, it's better for them than being smart.
Kids aren't really smarter than adults. They just have more freedom. Adults don't even take the time to think about this. They don't have time, and they don't really think they could be smart anyway. They just want to believe that these smart kids will think for them, so that they can enjoy their weekend from a laborious week of work. Sadly, by that attitude they are just showing their kids that being smart isn't necessary in this world.
Notes: Obviously I am using generalities, as not every kid is the same, nor every adult, but I am doing so since my claims are based on a general idea that kids are smart.
I am not trying to imply that being smart is better than fitting in society, nor the opposite. In fact, I do not think one is better than the other, I am just answering to a question that is obvious with some thinking.
+++
God Doesn’t Exist
I find this fact one of the most trivial (I probably realized its authenticity when I was around 8 or 9), yet I observe it is a pain in the ass to talk about it to people who haven’t figured it out yet.
So, what is God? God is a creation of human society in order to explain what these people do not have the knowledge of. It is, therefore, a way for people to get rid of their rationality, by having the possibility to get answers without thinking. Science, by bringing answers to numerous questions human beings had, made it apparent that religion was wrong. In fact, it proved the non-existence of God.
Even if this is understood by many people already, some human beings still don’t have this chance. In order to fit into society, or to get quick answers to some questions, one might have to believe in a religion. But why would there be a problem if someone wants to believe in something? Shouldn’t we all accept we have different beliefs?
Well, everything is in that word: “belief”. A belief is something that is considered to be true by someone. But it is NOT true (it is neither true nor false). The belief that men are worth more than women is simply a belief, it is not a reality. Science has proven the fact that men and women are equal beings, and so it is a reality. The belief that blue is a better looking color than red is not a reality. If we start to let people believe that one color is better than the other, then we let them having beliefs that are socially considered good, just like we give them choice of religion.
We can choose to live in a lie. We can choose to let ourselves be brainwashed by others. We can choose to believe. But we can also choose to be rational. We can choose to know, to understand, the truth. Even if we are stuck in a group of believers, we can think and find the real answers by ourselves (but it is much faster with the help of other rational people). There is no need for beliefs anymore in our world, we have gotten enough answers to have a pretty good idea of how things work. And if we keep thinking rationally, why can’t we find all the true answers?
+++
What would you say if you knew...
What would you say if you knew that you know nothing at all about me?
What would you say if you knew that Johann isn't my real name?
What would you say if you knew that I am an alcoholic and drug addict?
What would you say if you knew I don't think anything is good or bad?
What would you say if you knew that I hate everyone?
What would you say if you knew that I am a prostitute?
What would you say if you knew that I consider myself much superior than everyone else?
What would you say if you knew that I am a serial killer?
What would you say if you knew I am oppressed by our society?
What would you say if you knew that there are naked pictures and videos of me all over the Internet?
What would you say if you knew I like piss and shit play?
What would you say if you knew that I am a pedophile?
If you knew all of this, you would, I suppose, think I have a problem.
But where is the real problem?
What makes you better than me?
What gives you the right to think I have a problem?
Everyone is different.
There is nothing good or bad about it.
So why do you still want to believe some things are wrong?
Why can't you just let people do whatever they want? If they don't physically hurt anyone.
Because yes, it is true that nobody here knows much about me. Some know bits, some don't know anything. There are things I have to hide. I have to hide myself from others. I don't want people to say negative things about me. I don't want people to be scared of me, despise me, hate me, etc. I just want people to be able to accept me even if I am different.
I want this to happen:
Me: "You know, I'm pedophile."
You: "Oh, really? That's so cool! What kind of stuff you do exactly?"
Me: "I take pictures of the neighbors' kids."
You: "Oh! Yeah, they're so cute!!"
But no, that will not happen soon. So I would have to hide that I am a pedophile, and maybe even hide it to myself, simply because it is considered a "problem" in our society. But seriously, what is wrong in watching naked children? It is to protect them? But how do you protect the pedophile who can't even do what he likes to do? He is passionate about it and yet you want to take away his fun because many people once came to the conclusion that being pedophile was morally incorrect?
Where is the harm? Who is hurt? No, the little girl is completely happy. The pedophile is not. He is hurt by society's morality.
You don't know anything about me, but I am hurt all the time by the stupid morality of our society.
But you don't care, because you think I am the evil.
What would you say if you knew I am hurt more by you than I hurt others by being crazy?
+++
I guess I wrote these because I wanted to be honest and write about truths, that people still don't understand. I also blocked everything on my facebook, so even my friends can't see much, only my pictures and my wall posts... I guess it's part of my hiding from society.
Ok, that's all for today, should go to sleep now! :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
6/14 Scared Out Day
To some point it's really funny. Yesterday I was super in love and everything. Today? Well... I didn't get any answer from Nok. He was supposed to call me and maybe come here, but I guess he didn't. And this "feeling" I have for him, it is fucking weird.
Yeah, he's a nice guy and everything. But I'm not. I can't stand doing something that isn't intellectually challenging, I need complete freedom, and blablabla... Look: tomorrow I'm supposed to prostitute for an old man with another boy, Sunday I'm moving to live with an old 37yo man AND sleeping in the same bed, and next weekend there is Eason coming to Montreal. What a really fucked up guy I am. And I want a relationship?
Am I rational by thinking that he probably realized something about me that anyone wouldn't like, and therefore decided to stop talking to me? I mean, he didn't answer my text, and he said yesterday he would call me today... :/ The last "discussion" we had was him asking my facebook name, so maybe he got to see my profile and "didn't like" it...
Anyway, I'm probably just worried too much. But at the same time, I shouldn't put the blame on everyone else not being able to accept me, but on me not being able to make people understand that what I have thought of is more rational than what they have. (and therefore "better" since true)
Oh well... whatever. I'll just go kill myself and the world will keep working the way it always did.
Yeah, he's a nice guy and everything. But I'm not. I can't stand doing something that isn't intellectually challenging, I need complete freedom, and blablabla... Look: tomorrow I'm supposed to prostitute for an old man with another boy, Sunday I'm moving to live with an old 37yo man AND sleeping in the same bed, and next weekend there is Eason coming to Montreal. What a really fucked up guy I am. And I want a relationship?
Am I rational by thinking that he probably realized something about me that anyone wouldn't like, and therefore decided to stop talking to me? I mean, he didn't answer my text, and he said yesterday he would call me today... :/ The last "discussion" we had was him asking my facebook name, so maybe he got to see my profile and "didn't like" it...
Anyway, I'm probably just worried too much. But at the same time, I shouldn't put the blame on everyone else not being able to accept me, but on me not being able to make people understand that what I have thought of is more rational than what they have. (and therefore "better" since true)
Oh well... whatever. I'll just go kill myself and the world will keep working the way it always did.
6/14 I'm in Love, Again...
I don't remember how many times I've been in love before... But I think the last time was with Andy. I wasn't in love with Fan, and that's probably why I decided to break up quickly. I think being in love is when the other guy also has love for you, and so even if it was like this at first with Andy, it changed. So I guess it's really the first time I am in love since a long time (Daishi last summer).
But since last year, I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself. I know what I like and what I don't like about sex, I know what to expect in a relationship and what I want from the other person, and I know more about myself and the way I think. And most important, since I know more about myself, I also learned how to be honest and tell other people exactly how the hell I am thinking in my head. And I do not try to be someone else, I do not want to change for someone, but just be myself and have them like or dislike me.
So I went on gay411, hoping I would get a message or a view from Nok. And I didn't, so I looked at his profile (he was online). Minutes later I got a message, and so in the end he asked me to call him, which I did. We talked a bit and he asked me to call him back later, which I did, and we talked for an hour. I don't especially like to talk on the phone (I prefer in person), but I'm glad I talked that much with him :) And he already wants to talk to me again tomorrow, so I guess there is some love towards me! And so that is why I am in love, again!
Let's just hope I don't mess up this one too. And maybe he is not the right one or whatever. I don't know him that well yet, but I still have time! So let's not stress out too much about it and just see how it goes.
And he's older, so maybe he's more mature? (I think he's 26 but I'm not sure... all I know is that his younger brother is my age...)
But since last year, I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself. I know what I like and what I don't like about sex, I know what to expect in a relationship and what I want from the other person, and I know more about myself and the way I think. And most important, since I know more about myself, I also learned how to be honest and tell other people exactly how the hell I am thinking in my head. And I do not try to be someone else, I do not want to change for someone, but just be myself and have them like or dislike me.
So I went on gay411, hoping I would get a message or a view from Nok. And I didn't, so I looked at his profile (he was online). Minutes later I got a message, and so in the end he asked me to call him, which I did. We talked a bit and he asked me to call him back later, which I did, and we talked for an hour. I don't especially like to talk on the phone (I prefer in person), but I'm glad I talked that much with him :) And he already wants to talk to me again tomorrow, so I guess there is some love towards me! And so that is why I am in love, again!
Let's just hope I don't mess up this one too. And maybe he is not the right one or whatever. I don't know him that well yet, but I still have time! So let's not stress out too much about it and just see how it goes.
And he's older, so maybe he's more mature? (I think he's 26 but I'm not sure... all I know is that his younger brother is my age...)
Monday, June 13, 2011
6/13 Another Crazy Day
I always find it really fun when I have super long days. This one isn't a continuous day without sleep, but still pretty fun! :)
So on Friday evening I had sex with another stranger, and he was really shitty. We talked a lot and it was interesting, but close to his place, he said that what he liked in sex was to be dominant... :/ Urgh... and the stupid me went along with it... So anyway, it wasn't that fucked up, it just wasn't fun for me at all... (never tell me what to do...)
So on my way home, I felt really sad (and because of what I talked about in my previous post) so I wanted to see Khanh. I texted him but it took some time before I got his answer (I was almost home) and so finally I went to his place.
So, it was Saturday, since it was past midnight, and this is where the long day starts! :) We watched New Moon, and then went to bed, but since I wanted to talk about all the relationship stuff, and then had sex, so... we stayed up really late :/ (sorry Khanh!) I woke up multiple times, but went back to my place at 10. I had to finish some preparations for the No Nuke demo (oh god, sometimes I think I'm easy to stalk...) and I took a shower too (well I had sex twice).
Then I went to this "demo", I was there first to help out as much as I could, and I left last! Back home, I was pretty tired from all the day, but me and my roommate decided to goo get some pizza and beer, and that's what we had while watching a movie! I went back to my laptop to continue editing videos of the demonstration, and I guess around 12:30 I started talking to Nok about a possible night together. So at 1am I went outside to take a bike, and I arrived at his place at around 2am. Well, you know from my previous post how it went, but since I didn't sleep much (was too "stressed out" about sleeping close to such a fucking hot guy! lol and I couldn't make him stop snoring :P ) I was super tired when I came back to my place at around 9 I think...
And so I went to bed and here was my long crazy day!
So on Friday evening I had sex with another stranger, and he was really shitty. We talked a lot and it was interesting, but close to his place, he said that what he liked in sex was to be dominant... :/ Urgh... and the stupid me went along with it... So anyway, it wasn't that fucked up, it just wasn't fun for me at all... (never tell me what to do...)
So on my way home, I felt really sad (and because of what I talked about in my previous post) so I wanted to see Khanh. I texted him but it took some time before I got his answer (I was almost home) and so finally I went to his place.
So, it was Saturday, since it was past midnight, and this is where the long day starts! :) We watched New Moon, and then went to bed, but since I wanted to talk about all the relationship stuff, and then had sex, so... we stayed up really late :/ (sorry Khanh!) I woke up multiple times, but went back to my place at 10. I had to finish some preparations for the No Nuke demo (oh god, sometimes I think I'm easy to stalk...) and I took a shower too (well I had sex twice).
Then I went to this "demo", I was there first to help out as much as I could, and I left last! Back home, I was pretty tired from all the day, but me and my roommate decided to goo get some pizza and beer, and that's what we had while watching a movie! I went back to my laptop to continue editing videos of the demonstration, and I guess around 12:30 I started talking to Nok about a possible night together. So at 1am I went outside to take a bike, and I arrived at his place at around 2am. Well, you know from my previous post how it went, but since I didn't sleep much (was too "stressed out" about sleeping close to such a fucking hot guy! lol and I couldn't make him stop snoring :P ) I was super tired when I came back to my place at around 9 I think...
And so I went to bed and here was my long crazy day!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
6/12 Do I Want a Relationship?
So last night I had sex with Nok, a Vietnamese guy. It's funny because he didn't have much info, and only a picture of his pecs, but I decided to say yes pretty quickly. Well, to some point I was like "Who cares, if he's asian and has muscles, then let's try and see!" I thought I would get to see an old 45yo man with a super ugly face, but no... I saw a shirtless handsome young guy. He didn't recognize me at first (well my hair is different from the pictures) and so I was gonna go back if he didn't "like" me, but he wanted me to stay.
We had sex. I can't say it was anything special. I mean, I didn't have the "special bottom feeling" (prostate play) some guys do so well, but he liked physical contact, kissing, he didn't talk much during sex, it was intense, etc. Not every guy do these, but some do. But the reason why he was a great guy is that... he was a great guy. We talked a lot, but he was sooo nice to me!
Since he lives with his brother and he is still in the closet, he thought it would be better for me to leave. Well, actually, he asked me if I wanted to leave. I said yes, since I understood the situation, even if I also said I would have liked to stay. So I was at the door, ready to go out, and we would still talk. He felt bad about me going back on a bike, so he was really serious about paying me a taxi (which I obviously refused as seriously). And he hesitated for me to stay over. So I was gonna go, I tried to open the front door but I didn't know how, which he thought was funny, and so in the end he decided I should stay, and he didn't care what his brother would think. In the end, his brother didn't come back during the night (he went to his "mother's place").
So what I find really nice about this situation is that... he was ready to come out of the closet just for me to stay the night with him! We kept talking about a bunch of stuff, getting to know each other, and he is such a nice guy! :) And he had a really nice body and sex with him was great! I kept touching him during the night, so I didn't sleep much, and he was constantly woken up by me! lol Hopefully he's not too tired now... :/
But yeah, it made me think... if it was to get to it, would I want a relationship with him? I guess so. Would I stop having sex with others? I don't know... it's weird and stupid at thee same time. Just like the usual "I'm in love and would be ready for anything for him" while I know that "it's never gonna work since I'm so weird and need complete freedom". Or maybe I want to give it a new try, stop being egocentric and be an adult?
Anyway, I don't think I need much sex now. I've got two guys (Nok and Mak... similar names! lol) who I kind of feel the same way about them, and would maybe want a relationship with one of them. But yeah, I guess I'll just be myself, have feelings for them if I do, and have fun without thinking it could actually go into something.
We had sex. I can't say it was anything special. I mean, I didn't have the "special bottom feeling" (prostate play) some guys do so well, but he liked physical contact, kissing, he didn't talk much during sex, it was intense, etc. Not every guy do these, but some do. But the reason why he was a great guy is that... he was a great guy. We talked a lot, but he was sooo nice to me!
Since he lives with his brother and he is still in the closet, he thought it would be better for me to leave. Well, actually, he asked me if I wanted to leave. I said yes, since I understood the situation, even if I also said I would have liked to stay. So I was at the door, ready to go out, and we would still talk. He felt bad about me going back on a bike, so he was really serious about paying me a taxi (which I obviously refused as seriously). And he hesitated for me to stay over. So I was gonna go, I tried to open the front door but I didn't know how, which he thought was funny, and so in the end he decided I should stay, and he didn't care what his brother would think. In the end, his brother didn't come back during the night (he went to his "mother's place").
So what I find really nice about this situation is that... he was ready to come out of the closet just for me to stay the night with him! We kept talking about a bunch of stuff, getting to know each other, and he is such a nice guy! :) And he had a really nice body and sex with him was great! I kept touching him during the night, so I didn't sleep much, and he was constantly woken up by me! lol Hopefully he's not too tired now... :/
But yeah, it made me think... if it was to get to it, would I want a relationship with him? I guess so. Would I stop having sex with others? I don't know... it's weird and stupid at thee same time. Just like the usual "I'm in love and would be ready for anything for him" while I know that "it's never gonna work since I'm so weird and need complete freedom". Or maybe I want to give it a new try, stop being egocentric and be an adult?
Anyway, I don't think I need much sex now. I've got two guys (Nok and Mak... similar names! lol) who I kind of feel the same way about them, and would maybe want a relationship with one of them. But yeah, I guess I'll just be myself, have feelings for them if I do, and have fun without thinking it could actually go into something.
Friday, June 10, 2011
6/10 My Family
My older brother came here two days ago. I realized I don't think of my family like everyone else. They are the only people I give myself the right to despise.
I hate him. I hate my mother too. And I think most of my other siblings are fucked up. Yet if they were not in my family, I wouldn't think of them that way. But because they are my family, because they are close to me (resemble me), I give myself the right to hate them, just like I hate myself. This was an idea I shared to my best friend some 6 years ago, but I got to see good things in my father and my second older brother. I came to appreciate them and accept them in my close-minded head.
But when my brother came here and talked about all these stupid prejudices he had, it made me hate him. I know it's not his fault, I know he "has" to act this way to "make friends" (i.e. be part of society), but that simply completely honestly annoys me... Why is he so eager to be that stupid?
Last Christmas, I didn't want to go back to see my family. My mind didn't change. I don't think I consider my family as special, except for what I just mentioned, I think of them as "mere friends", so friends I don't talk to much since I don't have time anyway...
I hate him. I hate my mother too. And I think most of my other siblings are fucked up. Yet if they were not in my family, I wouldn't think of them that way. But because they are my family, because they are close to me (resemble me), I give myself the right to hate them, just like I hate myself. This was an idea I shared to my best friend some 6 years ago, but I got to see good things in my father and my second older brother. I came to appreciate them and accept them in my close-minded head.
But when my brother came here and talked about all these stupid prejudices he had, it made me hate him. I know it's not his fault, I know he "has" to act this way to "make friends" (i.e. be part of society), but that simply completely honestly annoys me... Why is he so eager to be that stupid?
Last Christmas, I didn't want to go back to see my family. My mind didn't change. I don't think I consider my family as special, except for what I just mentioned, I think of them as "mere friends", so friends I don't talk to much since I don't have time anyway...
6/9 Me and Relationships
So what do I want? What is a perfect relationship for me?
A perfect relationship is probably just having someone living with me. Nothing else. And by that, I mean someone who thinks of relationships the same way. For example, someone I don't love (well, I can't "Love" anyone anyway...), someone who doesn't expect me to do anything for him/her. So just a friend, but a friend who I am living with, and who can accept who I am (which I just described).
But the problem is that this person doesn't exist, and yet I am looking for it. Even worse, I get all "emotional" whenever I feel like this or that guy "could be the one I am looking for"... I feel like "this could be it!" or even worse, "I could try to get over all my stupid moral nihilist idea and try to get with that guy". Yes, every time I get to know a new guy that interests me, I get over the same stupid dream in my head. Fucking stupid dream.
Why? Because it is hard. Being myself isn't hard. But being myself surrounded by completely different people is. I want the relationship I described. But that implies someone else that doesn't exist in this world. And so therefore I cannot be happy in this world. I cannot "have what I want". But more importantly, I cannot feel good by being myself. And I wouldn't feel good if I wasn't myself either. So in no way I will find happiness. And that probably explains why I so much hate people around me.
A perfect relationship is probably just having someone living with me. Nothing else. And by that, I mean someone who thinks of relationships the same way. For example, someone I don't love (well, I can't "Love" anyone anyway...), someone who doesn't expect me to do anything for him/her. So just a friend, but a friend who I am living with, and who can accept who I am (which I just described).
But the problem is that this person doesn't exist, and yet I am looking for it. Even worse, I get all "emotional" whenever I feel like this or that guy "could be the one I am looking for"... I feel like "this could be it!" or even worse, "I could try to get over all my stupid moral nihilist idea and try to get with that guy". Yes, every time I get to know a new guy that interests me, I get over the same stupid dream in my head. Fucking stupid dream.
Why? Because it is hard. Being myself isn't hard. But being myself surrounded by completely different people is. I want the relationship I described. But that implies someone else that doesn't exist in this world. And so therefore I cannot be happy in this world. I cannot "have what I want". But more importantly, I cannot feel good by being myself. And I wouldn't feel good if I wasn't myself either. So in no way I will find happiness. And that probably explains why I so much hate people around me.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
6/2 Why the Fuck are you That Stupid?
First, even if I'm drunk, my brain is working at its full, like all the time. By "you", I actually mean everybody, including me.
So why are people so stupid? What is fucking wrong with all of you guys? Why do you think in such a wrong way?
I don't get it. I tried to think it was because of society. Then because of laziness. Then because of society again. But what is society? It's everyone. And so you can't blame society without blaming everyone.
Here, I'm gonna tell you something, everyone has a really big problem. you guys can't think properly at all. Look, if I tell you I'm doing prostitution, how are you gonna react? Well, that's the problem. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED TO REACT? I'm just telling you a FACT, why are you having an emotion inside of you? Why do you actually put a label on a word? (putting "bad" on "prostitution"). And no, this isn't just about "bad" things like this, but it's about everything. You always fucking have to put an emotion on everything. Like if love really existed. No, get over it, THINK for once, and realize by yourself that love is as stupid as the earth is flat. Do you really need a PhD to figure that out? No, all you need is a brain, and you have one. So why don't you think of it by yourself? BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID.
Why can't you just stop having feelings about other people? Why can't you just stop believing in anything?
So why are people so stupid? What is fucking wrong with all of you guys? Why do you think in such a wrong way?
I don't get it. I tried to think it was because of society. Then because of laziness. Then because of society again. But what is society? It's everyone. And so you can't blame society without blaming everyone.
Here, I'm gonna tell you something, everyone has a really big problem. you guys can't think properly at all. Look, if I tell you I'm doing prostitution, how are you gonna react? Well, that's the problem. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED TO REACT? I'm just telling you a FACT, why are you having an emotion inside of you? Why do you actually put a label on a word? (putting "bad" on "prostitution"). And no, this isn't just about "bad" things like this, but it's about everything. You always fucking have to put an emotion on everything. Like if love really existed. No, get over it, THINK for once, and realize by yourself that love is as stupid as the earth is flat. Do you really need a PhD to figure that out? No, all you need is a brain, and you have one. So why don't you think of it by yourself? BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID.
Why can't you just stop having feelings about other people? Why can't you just stop believing in anything?
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