1/31 Found It!

So I think I finally found the solution to this problem...

Rodrigo didn't know what he was looking for. So when he met me, he thought I was what he wanted, he thought I was one of the best guy he spent time with. But then, after some time, he realized that I wasn't what he was looking for. So he wanted to stop it.

When I came back to see him, he wanted me to stay, because he felt like I was who he wanted to be with. But then he came to realize I was not, and so he asked me to leave. He didn't know about this (about his not-knowing of what kind of guys he likes), so he didn't know how to react to me, who was still trying to spend time with him.

So it resolves to saying that he didn't think about this stuff in detail. So it's almost saying that he cannot think too much, hence that he isn't smart... An answer I don't really like. But let's just say he has been thinking about other stuff while other people, like me, have been thinking about the kind of people they want in a relationship.

I suppose now that I've found this I should be able to sleep well now. And I suppose I forgive him. He was not lying to me, he just didn't know.

Well, let's see how long this theory will last!

1/29 The End

Yeah, I know, I was supposed to wait more... but I texted Rodrigo, just asking him how he was doing. I got no answer.

Hence it is my answer.

He is too coward to tell me that he's over with me.

Man, he sucks.

I mean, I used to be like that before, but... he's 38yo for christ's sake. And I'm more mature than him?

Wow.

At least now I know that I'm more mature than I thought I was.

Does that mean it's the end of this story? Does that mean I should move on and get over him?

Well, I suppose so. At least now I know he doesn't like me.

And it's not like it's the first time something like this has happened to me. So hopefully I'll get over it quite quickly. Now that I finally figured him out.

1/28 Asexuality

Wow, I'm writing a lot lately. It might mean I'm getting better... though I really feel like I'm still really depressed... anyway...

Khanh said something some time ago, at the end of the summer I think. He said that I could be asexual. Obviously I thought it was a funny idea, and I thought it would be cool if I was (cuz you know, I always want to be different from what is considered to be "normal"). But because of my reaction last night, and some more thoughts, I realized that I don't actually enjoy having sex. There are a few instances where I've like it.

For example, cuming in someone's mouth. This is something that really excites me, but not for sexual reasons. I find it exciting because it is dangerous, it is unprotected sex, I could make the other guy sick, etc. One could think that this is pure anarchism: I like to go against the rules. While it is true, I never force the guys I sleep with to do anything. I always ask before. And when they actually swallow my cum, it's because they've asked me before. So I do it because they like it. And I like it at the same time because it's dangerous, it could make the guy sick, it is "wrong", etc.

Another thing I like... well, you probably saw it coming... yeah, bareback! Well I have penetrated only one guy and only once without a condom, and it was Eason (it's described somewhere here on my blog...) I felt so excited doing it, until the smell was too much and I had to stop... And the next day I felt bad about it, because I already knew it was not healthy (hence "bad") to do. But the fact is, I liked doing it.

And then with Rodrigo, same thing happened. Well, no, it was different. But after he penetrated me bareback, I started thinking that it was really serious between us. Something like "well if he did it bareback it means he trusts me and wants to keep sleeping with me and no one else". dammit. I keep thinking about him again... :(

Anyway, other than that, I don't remember so much instances that made me thrill when I had sex. I like to have an orgasm, I like my penis to be masturbated, I like when my prostate is touched, but other than that, what I like in sex is not related to physical pleasure. Well what I like about sex is making my partner happy. It doesn't matter if I don't like it, as long as they do, I'll be satisfied. So it's like an acting, I try to do my best for the guy to like it. And all I gain from it is the satisfaction to have pleased my partner. Yup, that's how I have sex.

So, does that make me asexual? Well I have no idea. I won't just go and start saying I'm asexual or something. It's just an interesting idea to look at, and that's what I've started to do.

1/28 Dang

Dang! I'm still thinking about him. I mean all the time. I'm like trying to find the best way to try again with him. Well I talked to him on facebook last week, so it's been a week since we talked, and I was planning on waiting a little bit longer to make him miss me, then probably call him and ask him if he wanted to meet somewhere, like for coffee or a restaurant, just to talk about what's been happening in our lives, and at the same time trick him into remembering how much he missed me, how great I am, etc. etc. And if he refuses to meet, well at least on the phone I'll have him say that it's over, even if he's a coward and doesn't want to say it... So maybe that will help me understand it really is over.

I know comparing two people isn't considered to be the best solution when in love, and the last time I did that was over Daishi and Kenny, I liked Kenny more but he didn't like me so I ended up with Daishi... Anyway, that's kind of what I'm doing right now. I'm comparing Rodrigo to Ricardo. Well, both have a lot of similarities, they are latino, older than me, have larger bodies than me, are nice and blablabla. And even if I doubt there is any chance with Rodrigo, and a lot with Ricardo, I still prefer Rodrigo. If I could choose between the two, I'd go for Rodrigo for sure. But I can't choose. I'm stuck with the second option. How awesome is that...

I'm not trying to say Ricardo is a bad person, honestly I don't know him that well yet, but he seems like a fantastic guy. It's just that I'm not over Rodrigo yet, so he keeps popping in my head all the time. And yes, it's as if I wanted my next boyfriend to be exactly like Rodrigo, hence why both are so much similar (that's because that's what I was looking for).

Well, what should I do? I should probably get a straight answer from Rodrigo. Or wait a little bit more to see how things go.

lol I just went to look at his profile... it seems like last time he logged in was yesterday. So he's probably looking for a guy on the website... someone to replace me I suppose. Well, maybe he did sleep with some other guy, so maybe I should stop worrying and leave him alone.

But it's just so hard after all he did to me, all I'm sure was honest. It's really shitty to be rejected from someone you love. Dang.

1/27 Sex

And in the second best move of the week, I just told a guy I was about to meet tonight to sleep with that I wanted to stay home.

I'm tired of hookups. I'm tired of having sex with guys. I don't even like it.

1/27 I Am So Tired Part 2

Hi nobody guys!

Trying to finish that post from last time. Hopefully it'll work!

So I spent the whole week relaxing (well watching the TV series Alias). As much as it did get me rid of my stress from my job hunting, I still fear to go to sleep. Well, I end up sleeping pretty well thanks to my pills, but I doubt it could be used forever.

I invited Khanh to a bar on Tuesday. It went pretty well, I drank a lot, we talked about a lot of stuff, like moving together in July. And when we left I did something I'm extremely proud of myself. I went to the metro station.

I actually wanted to stay at his place, sleep with him in his bed, without having sex. I thought this would help me to sleep better, since I'm thinking my problem might be related to my loneliness (or, in other words, for my despise of people). But instead, I solved a problem in my head: Khanh will just be a friend. Nothing more, nothing else. I will not try to pursue anything else with him, even if this might make him happy.

Yesterday I finally told this Sebastien that I wasn't interested in him. It was, in fact, a way to tell him screw off. He kept sending me several text messages EVERY day, with no exception. Obviously, this is an annoying behavior, and as much as I wanted to keep calm about it, it annoyed me. And since I have no intention to have a friend like this, and since friends is really the only thing he could ever be, which is not what he had in mind when he first met me, breaking this thing up was a necessary step. Just like I did a few days ago with Yifan.

And then there is this Jean-Francois I slept with some time around New Year's Eve. Well, we met again, he came to my place to do something I won't write here or else it might help you to figure out who I am, but we didn't sleep together. I actually wasn't sure if he wanted to or not, but it seems like he didn't want to. Man I don't get it at all, but it's okay, I prefer if he's just a friend. Which I don't know if it will actually happen...

Well, there are other stuff that happened too, but I don't feel like writing about them. It's kinda boring and not so useful.

It's funny how I always come back to this: beliefs. My theory is that no one really believes in anything, but that people say they do, for various reasons. Because some of these so-called beliefs are repeated between different people, we come to think that these sayings might be true. I will skip examples like that of religion, since it is clearly too easy to identify the false belief around it, and I will talk about one that has been messing me around for the past year at least: Love. Love is not an object, it is not a fact, it is merely a belief. Human beings believe in love. Love has always been a feeling of pleasure when spending time with another person (once again a belief triggered from physical pleasure). But when two people say they love each other, or are in love, all they do is tell about their belief in love. But what they can't understand is that love is a creation to explain their desire for pleasures that this relationship gives, e.g. having sex, having someone to take care of yourself, someone to talk to, etc. (note that these are also beliefs that could be seen as needs for physical well-being)

What I'm trying to say here is that the "love is everywhere, hence it has to be true" argument doesn't hold. There is absolutely no difference between love and religions. Both are beliefs created by human beings. Our societies have started to see problems about religions, so some are skeptical about its true nature. Has someone seen problems with love? Well, yes. Some have, me for example. Should we keep going with this false definition of love, and have the belief in every part of our societies so that all it can do is getting spread through simple minded people who do not understand that love is only a belief?

So why am I talking about love? Well, I think it's pretty obvious. I've tried to believe in love. What did I get from it? Nothing. Love doesn't exist. And no, the argument "you haven't met love yet because you were not lucky" is complete stupidity. I have tried to feel and experience the so-called "love", but by doing so I have realized that it wasn't a consistent and logical truth. Love is only a belief. You will think you experience it only if you believe in it. But if you don't believe in love, I can swear to you it will never "come" to you, just like it never came to me while I was being rational. If the only possible way for love to exist is to believe in it, then it doesn't exist. So we should stop talking about love, and start thinking about physical needs.

And this relates to my life, as I should stop being blinded by all of my friends, by all of the people around me, by all the media, and stop thinking that love might be true, as it isn't. I have physical needs, and realizing them being alone will be hard, but at least it will be true.

1/24 I Am So Tired

Hi non-existent readers!

Damn I'm so tired. You know I said I was having insomnia? Well I went to buy some pills, and... well, two days ago, I took one pill before sleeping and bam! I woke up in such a good mood! But last night, I took on, didn't work. Then I took another one, but no effect either. At 5am I ate something, my body was so tired but I wasn't able to sleep. I decided to take a third pill, so around 5:30-6am I finally started to sleep. And I woke up at 11 I think... So I'm just like fucking tired right now...

So what's causing me this insomnia? Well, that's a really good question. And I don't tell anybody about it. I actually don't want to talk about it on here, but I feel like I don't have a choice if I want to get better. Or maybe I don't want to get better... anyway, let's try.

So you remember when Rodrigo "broke up"? and then Khanh was pissed off. Well, this is still on my mind. It's been a little bit more than a month.

I don't really know where to start. It's just so confusing. I usually am able to put order in my brain, but this time it's like I don't want to... I probably don't want to accept the truth.

Khanh came back a few days ago from vacations, and he gave me this necklace. I really like it, I wear it all the time. And it reminds me of how much I love him. But Khanh loves me too. I mean, he would probably be so happy if I was his boyfriend. And I'd be happy too, that's for sure. But the problem is that I am not physically attracted to him. So whenever we have sex, I want to go away. Well, I suppose I could start to see past this and just TRY. I mean, it's not like I could find the perfect guy. Everyone has its imperfections. So I could try to live with these imperfections. But I don't want to.

I've been looking at Rodrigo as a perfect man for me. He sure isn't, but I was sexually attracted, he was nice to me, I really enjoyed spending time with him, so I felt like this was exactly the kind of guy I was looking for. It's also the first time I realized I preferred older guys, because they are more mature, settled down, etc. But the truth is, Rodrigo doesn't love me. Or maybe, maybe he does but is not smart enough to figure it out. In which case, it's just the exact same thing as a no. But anyway, this isn't the problem. The problem is that I'm still waiting for him to get back to me. I talked to him a little bit on facebook the other day. Anyway, he's making it obvious, without saying it directly, that he doesn't love me.

Ok, I think I'll take a break. Like a vacation. And like a week. I really need some time to relax and get better, my insomnia is not gonna go away if I keep stressing out, and my jobs opportunities are not gonna fly away if I relax for one week. So let's go play Zelda a little bit! :) I'll continue this post later...

1/18 Good Night

Hey there!

It's been some time since I wrote anything here, so maybe I should talk a little bit about what's been going on in my life lately? Well, why not? :P

First, I've been working on my portfolio a lot. Can't say I've been doing that night and day, but I've been on it as much as possible, and it's getting pretty neat :) In fact, I could actually say it is finished, but I want it to be perfect, so I'm still gonna work on it before making it "public" to my friends and the world :)

I've been having a lot of insomnia lately. I actually still don't know what it is from. It's definitely stress, as I'm having palpitations. But then, what's causing me this stress? Well, I suppose it's the simple fact that I know I won't be able to sleep because of insomnia is making me stress out. So when I notice I'm gonna have insomnia, like 30 minutes after I get into my bed, I just wake up and try to listen to music, eat something, go on Internet, etc. But it's really annoying. And the more I try to find out what's causing my insomnia (Rodrigo, a before-sleep supplement, being alone, being hungry, having a mental disease, etc.), the more it stresses me out...

I've seen Sebastien twice since NYE, and we've mostly just slept together (just me jerking him off, and me not cuming). I really like him, because he's extremely joyful, energetic and everything (well, he's 16), but he wants more than just a friend. He wants me to be his boyfriend, he keeps texting me like 30 times a day, and I don't have time for a boyfriend right now.

Just two days ago I told Yifan that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, and he was like "what!? you're not my type of guy anyway" which clearly was a lie (well, not his first one, which adds to the fact that I don't like him), and then right after he writes on facebook "fuck my life" and stuff like this... oh man, you have so much to learn, but you will probably never take time to learn any of it since you don't think it could be of any use.

And then Rodrigo has been looking at my profile on facebook... which makes me think all sort of scenarios: maybe he misses me, maybe he will want to see me when he's back from his vacations, maybe he will try again with me, and won't do the same mistakes, blablabla... the kind of shit I think about before I go to sleep, hence the insomnia.

Khanh came back yesterday, he woke up pretty late and so I could talk to him a little bit :) This morning he asked me for some money, so I went to the bank to get $1000. It was actually pretty difficult, the lady asked me for 2 IDs, she counted the money so many times, had to see another lady, etc. man, just give me MY money!! lol So I'm gonna see Khanh tomorrow, I'll show him my website and resume, because he's one of my only friend who has guts to tell me something else than "oh, it's good!" It's kinda stressful, but I've been working hard so that even him could say that it's good. Well, I'm actually hoping he'll have negative feedback, because I want to improve it :)

Hmmm... what else? I've been having less sex. Well, I don't feel like I want any. I suppose I like my life as it is right now, and I don't need much more. I do get horny a little bit sometimes, to which I can watch porn, but since I hurt my dick, I try not to do it so often lol. I suppose I feel like I'd prefer sleeping with the same guy than with different ones all the time. And I prefer to get to know more people than have hookups. I made a few nice gay friends lately, not sure how long each will last, but it's still nice to just talk to people with no sex involved :)

Well, I think that's pretty much all of it! Haha, can't think of anything else to say :P I don't know what's gonna happen in my life in the next few days, but I'm just doing it one day at a time. Or whatever, who cares anyway. Oh, and I'm getting a lot of muscles. I'm gonna break the 180lbs line, which has been extremely difficult to achieve! lol

And now going to bed, hopefully my stomach is full now, so I'll be able to sleep :) Good night!

1/13 What I'm Looking For

Here's what I'm looking for:

A) Friends:
1. Don't fall in love with me.
2. Don't praise me. At least not with words.
3. Have a life. I don't want to be yours.
4. Have some kind of open-mindedness.

B) Sex:
1. Don't fall in love with me.
2. Be healthy. A little fat don't kill, but a loose body or bones aren't attractive.
3. Don't be too old. Grey hair is cool, but rude skin isn't.
4. Do something. I'm not going to do everything.
5. Don't talk too much.

C) Love:
1. Be older than me. But less than 40 would be best.
2. Weight proportionally more than me. And I mean muscles.
3. Be smart enough so that I don't have to explain you everything.
4. Have a life, but have enough time for me.
5. Be able to cuddle me in bed. So that it's not only me.

I might be missing stuff, but that's what I got on my mind right now.

Needless to say, I've got too many people right now who are in love with me, and that's REALLY annoying. Seems like I was doing the same with Rodrigo... Oh well, he was also in love with me, until his job became too much to have someone in his life to handle.

Which makes me think that I'd like to spend more time in finding ways to help people relieve their stress. It could be interesting :)

1/9 Can't Stop Thinking About You

I think this song is quite about my feelings right now...

I keep thinking that maybe, maybe, there is a slight chance that, when he comes back from his vacations, he feels like he wants to meet me again, and try again.

But I'm just dreaming. He doesn't need me in his life.

So that's it. I should forget it. Forget him.

But I can't.

1/7 Quit School

So I wrote this down to Clickteam:

Bonjour,

Mon message est principalement à l'intention de François et Yves, mais d'autres peuvent le lire s'ils le souhaitent.

En retournant pour les fêtes chez mon père, j'ai vu qu'il était sur le point de se débarasser d'un vieux logiciel qu'il avait acheté il y a des années : Klik & Play. Lorsque j'avais 7 ans (ce qui fait déjà 16 ans), j'étais hospitalisé et mon père m'a amené cette boîte ( http://imageshack.us/g/820/vlcsnap2012010716h03m24.png/ ), en disant qu'on pourrait créer nos propres jeux vidéo. Il m'avait aussi promis de ne pas l'ouvrir avant que je rentre à la maison, mais ça a été impossible à cause de mes frères et ma soeur qui eux aussi voulaient l'essayer. Je me rappelle encore qu'à mon retour à la maison, j'étais excité de voir ce que le logiciel permettait de faire, mais mon petit frère m'a dit que "ça ne marchait pas" et que tout ce qu'on pouvait faire c'était jouer à la machine à sous.

Au fil des années, on a commencé à comprendre le logiciel de plus en plus, et mes trois frères et ma soeur l'utilisaient pour faire des jeux qu'on se partageait entre nous. Avec l'arrivée d'Internet, j'ai découvert The Games Factory, et moi et deux de mes frères ont continué à faire des jeux, toujours de mieux en mieux. Et puis j'ai essayé de créer quelque chose de plus grand avec Multimedia Fusion que j'avais acheté avec mon argent de poche (j'avais 13 ans), mais j'ai abandonné en face d'un projet trop grand.

Quelques années plus tard, à l'université, j'ai réalisé que la création de jeux vidéo me manquait beaucoup trop, et j'ai donc étudié en informatique, et je fais maintenant un DESS en design de jeux à l'Université de Montréal. Par contre, j'ai envie de quitter mon programme pour me trouver un emploi et avoir de l'argent pour continnuer ce que j'ai toujours aimé faire : créer des jeux vidéo. Je suis donc en train de créer un portfolio pour me trouver un emploi, et je me rend compte à quel point Multimedia Fusion est pratique et rapide lorsque maîtrisé :) Il y a quelques années, mon petit frère utilisait Multimedia Fusion pour espionner mes actions sur l'ordinateur, et maintenant il termine ses études en conception logiciel. Donc je ne suis pas le seul de ma famille qui s'est vu une passion par vos logiciels :)

Il faut que je trouve un peu plus d'argent pour MMF2D, SWF et iOS, mais je réalise à quel point ils sont essentiels pour me créer un portfolio impeccable, et voyant votre travail constant sur le module iOS, je suis très excité à l'essayer ! :) Vous pouvez vous attendre à un gros achat d'un client fidèle d'ici les prochains jours ;)

Enfin, je voulais simplement vous remercier, sans exagération, de m'avoir donné les outils pendant pratiquemment toute ma vie pour la création de jeux, d'avoir créé cette passion en moi, et de me permettre de créer un portfolio et possiblement des jeux professionels qui, je l'espère, sauront épater certains :) Je commence à me familiariser à d'autres engins de création de jeux, mais Clickteam occupe une place importante dans mon coeur :) Merci ! J'espère que vous n'arrêterez jamais :)

I was trying to get a discount lol But anyway, what I wrote is quite true. And then it makes me want to be an indie developer, just try to make games that would stick out from others.

But I'm stuck with school. I start in two days and it's really stressing me out. Why? Because I don't want to lose my time like I did for a whole semester. School is really stressful, I do things that I don't like to do, and once I start something, I always try to do it as good as I can, so I end up stressing a lot for something that is useless. Then I've got these stupid classmates, and I just don't want to work with them anymore... and well I have my portfolio to do, instead of that bullshit of school that won't get me anywhere (well, technically we'll be doing one or two games that we can put in our portfolio, and it's a team game, so it doesn't mean much...)

Yeah, the only problem if I quit school is that I won't be making money, and I will have to find work really quickly if I want to survive. It's gonna be stressful, but probably less than exactly the same thing PLUS full-time school.

Good thing with school, I get a diploma, which could help me to get a job. Or maybe it won't at all.

Oh you know what, I'm done. I quit. Goodbye.

It's time I be myself, and not what people want me to be. It's time I choose what I want to do, and not do what people choose me to do. It's time I get free and start my own life. I've been waiting too long for this, and now that I can do it, I should just do it. Goodbye stupid life of mine. Hello to my new real life.

1/5 What I Want

I'm trying to work on my portfolio, but I clearly don't have concentration, so maybe I should keep it for tomorrow :)

I wonder if I should set goals for the next year. Like some kind of NY's resolutions, just to stop focusing on these three things from last year (friends, sex and love).

Things I'd really like to see improve this year are my body (getting much bigger), finding a job and getting prepared for my company, and what else? not sure... I for sure don't want to fall in love, I'd like to be closer to my friends, or at least have friends to which I am more honest, I'd like to move at another place in July with a friend, and, well... actually I'd like to be in a relationship with someone I love and who loves me back. But it might be too impossible, so I'm just saying it would be cool if it happened.

That's it I guess... pretty lame lol

1/1/12 New Year

Oh yeah. That's another year finished. A quite unexpected year for me, as you can read through my blog posts. I just have no idea what the next one could become.

Most people separate life in two parts: work and fun. Work is when they are doing something that is difficult and not so liked, and fun is when they do things they like and feel good about it. I don't do this. My life is just my life. It's constant work and constant fun. What someone would think is an activity to have fun or to work is for me an activity to learn. I just learn from anything I do, no matter what it is. Hence, if you invite me to some place to have "fun", I won't really "have fun" but I'll just spend my time observing what happens, what people say, what they think.

Two days ago I had another threesome, with two older men (early 40s I suppose). Anyway, it was okay, I really became horny when I shared a dick with someone else and kissed at the same time. I wanted to fuck and get fucked, but the guy came too quickly... Anyway, that's it.

Yesterday was New Year's Eve. I didn't have anything planned. I know Eason was coming to Montreal but I didn't want to go clubbing with him (well I'm tired of clubbing and I didn't want to have sex with him).

In the morning I texted Jean-Francois, a guy I talked to on gay411, and we decided to meet in the afternoon. I was also supposed to meet Sebastien early, but since he didn't know when he could come, I just said I had to go see a friend in late afternoon and he said to just screw our meeting. So I went to JF's place instead.

He talked a lot, which is cool. Then we kissed, went to his room. He had a blue light, so it was really cool lol. Then we had sex for a pretty long time lol. I have to say we are both bottom/vers and we were both half-hard but still loving it! Anyway, I came after a long time and being extremely sweaty, as always. Then he showed me how to use Photoshop, which was helpful for a few things I didn't know.

I came back home around 5pm, and I had no idea what I would be doing for the rest of the night. I thought I'd just stay home and work on my portfolio. But instead, Sebatien asked me if I was still available right now, and I said I was. So he came at my place. It was the first time I invited someone at my new place to have sex with. But since I wanted to film it with my cam hidden somewhere, I thought it would be okay.

But my cam stopped after some time (yeah, battery...) It's because we talked for more than an hour before finally having sex. Obviously I suspected he was younger than what he said he was (18), so I asked him at some point and he said he was 16, which does make sense. He said he didn't finish grade 2 of high school (that's grade 8) so it's kinda funny. But he looks smarter than that, thanks to Internet I guess. Anyway, he's a bit fat, and has a lot of pimples on his shoulders and back, but who cares. He wasn't so good at fucking me lol but anyway, he's just a kid learning his way through. It seems like I was his fourth guy.

Then afterwards he said he wanted to drink, so I asked him if he wanted to stay over, and he called his mom and it was ok. So there I got it: an unexpected New Year's Eve party! We went to buy some drinks, then we walked around for like an hour (he talks and laughs a lot, is very expressive and talks loudly).

We came back, drank and ate some, celebrated the jump to the next year, then around 2am we had sex and slept. Then again in the morning, and he left around 7:30am, hangover.

So yeah, I slept with a minor. The youngest guy I've slept with. And I can't tell anyone cuz they'd really judge me.

But what I like about this kid is all he's going through and how he expresses it. Even if most of what he said were lies, looking at how happy he was to be with me, to be free from outside pressures, to be whatever he could be, is what makes me glad to be who I am.

Kids, and I'd like to say people in general, just want someone to talk freely to. But most people always want something back from all they do, and having a kid saying a bunch of stupid stuff isn't helpful to them. Adrienne has been doing this to me and everyone else around her, and I want to be like her for this.