1/30 Workaholic

I don't think I was done with yesterday's post. I guess there's only three months of school left and I should continue so that I have a good work for this summer. But at the same time, I really sincerely doubt I can make these three months without being killed everyday by the huge amount of pressure from school mostly (and then the time-consuming job). I didn't go to school on Friday, nor to work, and even if I don't think I've missed much, I feel like I need vacations. The study break is in three weeks, that might be it... but these three weeks are gonna be fucking hard, as usual... and I don't want that... :S

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I hope sometimes someone would just decide everything for me... So then I could always put the fault on that person. But guess I'm alone in my life and need to do things on my own... urgh...

Oh, and on a side note, Melissa, a friend of mine, told me that she had something to talk to me about... hmmm... except the facebook thing, I don't really see what else she can be talking about... anyway, she was too busy, so I guess I'll have to wait!

1/29 Video Games

So two days ago (Thursday night) I went to that guy's place. I thought he would be jock and everything, but no, he was fat... >_< so many fat guys out there. But anyway, I gave it a try, and he was so rude... like he would hurt me all the time, especially my nipples (I don't get it, some guys really like to bite hard the nipples... fucking annoying...)

Anyway, then we went to bed, and he started snoring... omg, not only was he snoring, but he was so egocentric... argh, so I just thought about coming back home. It was 1am. And I only slept 3 hours the night before... So I was completely dead when I came back, and decided to keep on sleeping and not going to school. Then I was starting to be really depressed and everything, so I decided to call sick for the job. And then I realized something. I'm overworking.

I have school, work, and I am applying for grad school (which means I need to do a game portfolio and everything). This is sucking all the energy out of me, and I don't think I was able to stand it anymore yesterday. The problem is, I don't think I'll be able to this week either...

So I'm doing video games for my portfolio. And I realized how much I missed doing it (it's the same thing that happens every time). For example the one I'm doing right now is, imo, awesome, and with more work on it it could look just like a professional game (or at least better than half the games on the iStore). But anyway, just saying that instead of studying East Asian Studies or whatever, I'd prefer much more just doing video games everyday...

So yesterday Fan came to my place. He came drunk, and so all he was thinking of was to have sex. x_x Urgh, I mean, fuck you, all I wanted was him to come as a boyfriend, not as a sexual object... I tried not to have sex, but he was too drunk and needed it, so I just let him do whatever he wanted. I was tired, depressed, but he didn't seem to care much. Anyway.

We did some webcaming on menchats.com, it was fun. Now he's gone, I can breathe a little bit. I have tons of things to do but I'm thinking about either continuing like this and have no time for me and be desperate all the time, or stop my job. I was told before doing it that 22 hours a week is way too much for a full-time student, and now I see they were fucking right...

1/23 I could try

These were the words Daishi told me. We made peace. It feels so great. It's like if I was myself again. Like if I got back a part of myself. Yep I'm probably still in love with him, but we decided to be friends, so I'll keep that in mind and try as hard as I can to never lose him again. My life without Daishi is something I've experienced a little bit, and it truly is difficult for me. So I could try, too.

I have strong beliefs about how to come to world peace. And I can't give up on them. I wanted to give up for Daishi numerous times, but being in a state where you know you have an enemy is something I wouldn't be able to live with. I wanted him to be my friend, and I kept asking him for that. It took a long time and a lot of work, discussions, realizations, but we came to here. And it's the best solution possible. If I continue to believe in world peace, if I never give up even if people don't agree with me, it might happen some day. I have to believe in that.

Today made me realize that it is possible. World Peace is possible if we really work hard on it. We could try.

1/23 It's been some time...

I haven't got that much time to write last week, and I really don't like it. This blog helps me a lot to think about everything around me, and if I stop writing it's not gonna help at all. So lets' talk about most of the things that happened this week!

Well, something I've been thinking about is Andy. I realized I started this blog because of him, because of the first time we met. And how great it was. Now I feel really down since what happened some days ago. Andy was probably this person I was looking for, and yet he can't be anymore. I texted him yesterday and he replied late at night (I was studying and looking at porn late anyway) and he seemed ok. I'm still not sure about the significance of his "break up message", but he seemed like usual. He asked me what I was doing tonight (at 4am) which was funny lol But he didn't tell me what he would do when I asked! Anyway, I guess I'm trying to forget about him, but since them I'm really in a depressive state I guess. And I've started feeling sick again, and work and school take a lot of time, so I've been sobbing from time to time.... anyway...

And then there is Daishi who texted me telling me that he was sorry for what he said last time (how he ended up the conversation on the phone in the restaurant). And obviously it ended up with him telling me never to talk to him again, and then asking me why we should be friends, etc. I don't know, I don't even know what to answer so I don't anymore... If he wanted an open relationship that would be the best thing ever. But no, he doesn't, nor does Andy and 95% of the population... So I'm stuck and will never find love again.

Yeah, there is Fan. But I don't know, I don't feel like I really love him. It's fun to be with him, but when it comes to the love part, I know he doesn't love me and he shows it to me. His lies are easy to read. But I don't tell him except when I feel like it (like I would tell a friend for example), and I know I don't really mean it. It's more a "I like you" than anything else. We have fun together, but there is also a distance we try to put between us. I think we both have our problems and that's why we get along well! lol

I think sometimes I'd like if someone found this blog. I guess I feel like I'm writing it for nothing, and whenever I need help there's no one (but at the same time the only kind of help I get is people telling me that what I do is wrong). So I guess I'm waiting for this person to read all of my blog entries (there's a lot!!) and then contact me (leave a comment or something! :) ), and obviously that person will be the perfect match for me and blablabla. Haha, yeah, of course. I know it's never gonna happen. But still I guess I want people to read this blog to understand someone's thought that is different from normality. I'm an alien that people don't want to understand because I'm different, but I hope by these words they will. And if someone feels like they hold similar beliefs, then go on and talk to me! :)

1/16 Fan Part 2

So last night me and Fan went to Unity again. It was fun I guess. Well, actually, it wasn't that much fun.

I like to play around, and he told me I could. So I did. We (or at least I and not really him) wanted to take back a guy from there for a threesome. When I found one (he was asian, which Fan said he didn't want, but he agreed) he didn't want to have a threesome (i.e. he only wanted to have sex with me). The next guy, I didn't have time to ask him, Fan left like a little baby and I had to go and take care of him... He was really sad I guess or something. Anyway, I just decided to go back home, we had some wild sex, the second time he put his finger in my ass. And then the next morning he fucked me. lol I'm just so bottom!

Anyway, later on I found on his cellphone that "if Francis is going to Japan in May then I'll break up". Not that I didn't know already, but when Fan saw me looking on his cellphone, he was really pissed off for me "finding his true feelings". Well, by true feelings, I guess he means that he doesn't love me. And for that, I already know. I don't love him either. He's almost the only person I still talk to, but I think it'd be much better to break up, I'd have more time to hook up and study and everything. A relationship is a lot of trouble and time, and doing it for someone I don't love who is supposed to let me sleep around but doesn't like it so much (and doesn't give me time to do it) is probably a stupid idea. He asked me to break up last week, and I know he's not serious at all and won't be, so why bother and spend so much time and energy when I could spend it with other people? Anyway, I guess I found all I wanted to know about him. Like I was saying in my previous post, now that I know most of his life, his way of thinking, etc. I don't really need anything more.

But anyway, this open relationship didn't work like I thought. I wanted to have sex with others sort of often, but I couldn't, he was way too close to me all the time, the only time I did it was in the morning and I didn't even tell him about it, and I actually lied when he asked me if I slept with other guys last week. Anyway...

Then Daishi texted me yesterday at the Chinese restaurant, and he wanted me to call him. I did, and it didn't finish well. He told me not to text him, call him, or talk to him ever again. I do understand, he is right that I act like an asshole with my friends lately, but I don't think it is wrong, I think it is just me, how I behave, and that's why he doesn't want to be in his life anymore. Anyway, I think I'll keep on going with this isolated life of mine until I feel like I've changed the society and created world peace in everyone's person. Obviously, that means I'll stay like this forever. But at least I hope what I will have worked on will have helped the world to be a better place to stay for good people like me. Because yes, I think my way of thinking is a good one, compared to others. I am not perfect, nor is anyone, but I know for sure that if everyone was thinking similarly to me, there wouldn't be any more problem in the world, or at least no social or political one.

Well, good luck Francis. It's gonna be a hard task!

1/15 Why I Always Need So Much Sex

My boyfriend asked me why I needed so much sex. I wasn't sure why actually. Now I think the main reason is just to meet different people. I'm really fast at meeting people, I see who they are in some minutes, and deduce the rest from it. Well, it's for me fun. And sex allows me to do it. I meet people for a short time, long enough to know almost everything about them, and then I have "fun" at the same time. I get to see different bodies, colors, ages, penises, etc. But also different opinions, ideas, beliefs, lives. And without nothing serious like a friend would require, it's the end and that's it.

Some of them seem more interesting, and one or two times is not enough to know everything about them. So I do it more. But I have to say that except for the boyfriends I had/have, there's only one guy with who I slept three times (Doan) and everyone else I only did it twice or once. Doan was an exception, I was in huge need of sex. But there was nothing interesting when I went there the third time, like you can read from my other post.

So I have sex because I want to meet different people. How cool is that? :)

1/15 About Last Time

So there has been relatively enough noise after my facebook message that I've got really pissed off. I wrote it down so that people would try to understand me. No. They decided I was wrong and was having a problem. But anyway, I'll just let them for a while, and stop going to facebook or writing there. I mean, these "friends" are just a bunch of tiredness. And no, I'm not depressed or anything, I'm fully sober and believe what I'm saying. I've never met someone who tried to understand me, and the closer someone got was someone who would not tell me what is good and what is wrong. But these people end up finding something they can't accept about me (like Daishi for example) so I'm stuck with not much in the end. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Talking about Daishi, I wanted to skype with him last night, and that's what we did. I wanted to talk about random stuff, and not about my friends' thingie. Everything went well until he started talking about it. Then I told him I didn't want to, I didn't want him to tell me I had a problem and should work on it, but he did, so I just gave up and went to bed. I then apologized in a text message, but what was I supposed to do? I'm fucking tired of people telling me what I should do, I want them to understand or listen to me, not go against me. I need support, not life morals.

I was thinking about going to Japan this summer and teach there or something. I have to apply (mostly write a short essay about why I want to work in Japan). It sounds much more fun than studying for my graduate diploma, and it would make a pause in my life, which I probably need. And I've been waiting to go to Japan for 6 years now, so it'd be awesome!!!! :D

Anyway, I'm moving for real tomorrow, I got my camcorder, so I'll get to play with it starting from tomorrow! :D And I have a lot of stuff to do for my classes, readings, translations, I even have a quiz on Chinese history... @_@ urgh, some shit... anyway, my other classes are fun, so it's fine! :) And Fan will come to my place tonight and we should go out (Unity again I guess) and this night he will be able to sleep over! :D Yay!

Ok, need to get to work! :P

1/13 Suicide

I don't think I really felt any good today at all. But when I received Andy's unexpected text: "You might hate me after this but I'm kind of seeing someone right now and it's kinda complicated situation..." I answered nicely and everything, because I didn't think it would hurt me at all. Well it does. It fucking does...

I don't really understand. You probably read from my previous posts that I was sort of in love with him, or just in big admiration of his person. I don't even understand what his text means, but it's probably "let's stop talking or seeing each other..." I never thought he was seeing our two hookups as something that could become a relationship. Or maybe he was sort of in love with me too until he realized I was not the kind of guy he was looking for. So end of story. And he preferred telling me that way... idk, whatever...

So after work I was thinking about suicide like I do often lately. So instead of going home I decided to walk around old port. I texted Daishi, thinking I could get some help. My hands were frozen since I was trying to text, and my music stopped out of battery. So I had nothing else and I decided to head home. While Daishi texting but probably not helping.

So in the end, nobody loves me. Everybody hates me from some point, since I'm not the most "friendly" person. I mean, I think I do love everyone around me, but I also hate them for being so closed-minded. And in the end, no matter how much I try to find someone open like me, I just can't. Everyone looks so different from me. I can't fit anywhere in this society. Not at school, not at work, not in my family, not with my friends, not in someone's bed, not even in my boyfriend's arms. No matter where I am, I know it's not my place, I know there is something wrong, and I just feel like leaving.

But go where? It's not like anything is different at another place. It's not like society will be better at another place, school will be more like me in a different country, or work will be close to my ideals, or I could find another family that I identify more to, or find friends who share the same beliefs and ideals, or have good sex I like, or have a boyfriend who can understand me and love me how I am. It's not like any of these can happen somewhere else or with someone else. I know the world is a big place and blablabla, but I also know that people are people, no matter where they are from. If in all my years I never found someone like me, I could be almost sure there wouldn't be anywhere else. Why keep looking for something that should not exist?

So here I am, not able to kill myself (I asked Daishi if we could die together but he said no :( ), drinking rhum that tastes like shit, writing my blog, hoping this someone I'm looking for would see what I write and would write me something. So maybe this is what I have been doing, why I can't kill myself, why I'm still trying to figure out my life. I'm waiting for the prince on his white horse. I'm such an idiot. Even if someone would try to contact me, I would probably think that person is shit since I always do the first step and don't like when someone else do it. And anyway, I can't actually love someone, the more I know someone and the more I try to find something that I don't like about that person so that this person hates me with me showing my dislike.

Edit (2/10/11): Because I do not have admiration for these people. See my post on 2/10/11.

I just posted this on my facebook wall: "I realized that even if I say I'm gonna kill myself, no one would actually care. And then if I actually did it, people wouldn't care more. People wouldn't be sad, and no one would understand why I did it. So I keep living, with this thought that no one loves me sincerely. But at the same time, I deserve it. I just hate people, why would they love me?" I guess I'll get some answers or something, but anyway. I think it sums up pretty well what I think of my "friends", and I don't care whatever they might think of me after that. But at least I will have been sincere, and in this sincerity there might be someone that stands up and actually gets close to being this person I'm looking for. Just like with this blog where I don't stop myself from saying everything that I want to say, even if it hurts people, so that this special person finds me... oh yeah... prince... fuck you.

1/11 No More Sex

It might sounds stupid coming out of me, but I don't think I want to have sex anymore... I don't know, I've been looking for love, but no one can actually give it to me without sex... Fan is more about controlling my sexual life than loving me. Daishi would love me, but I guess it's too late now. What about Andy? I never felt like he was looking for sex actually. Probably more the same love thing as I do?

Anyway, I need a sex pause I guess... and where am I gonna find kisses, cuddling, and love? I dunno... anyway, let's see........

1/7-1/9 Insomnia

1/7

Oh! It's only 2am. Yet I know I won't be able to sleep for the next hour at least...

Today I met Kyan, and he brought Mike along. Lol, I don't mind, they don't know me, I might have been a bad guy trying to rape Kyan!!!!! lol But anyway, the problem is that two person meeting one ends up pretty awkward... they talk between them but it's hard to include me. I mean, I want to get to know people personally, not just talk about random stuff. Well I mean, it's hard to ask personal questions to someone when there's two people. And since they know each other, they talk together and forget that I'm a stranger. So I look like someone who don't speak at all... Well, actually, it really pissed me off. I was really pissed off when he texted me that Mike would be there, like 1 minute before arriving... wow. I mean, oh it's alright. I guess I wanted to give a good impression and everything but it didn't work out, so that's why I was pissed off. But who cares, I got to meet Kyan, I'm glad.

He's cuter than what I've seen from all his pictures! lol And it was fun talking to him personally, now I know his real name: Min!!! :D haha, anyway, I'm sure we won't get to see each other at all from now on, it was like the first and last time. Like a date that didn't go well! lol oh god I need confidence much more...

1/9

Yesterday I spent the day with Fan and we went out clubbing with two of his friends. It was fun, but way too straight! lol Anyway, it's funny how I'm not so much in need of sex than before. Is Fan satisfying me? o.O weird... I don't know, I want sex with others but I don't have time. I dropped one of my course so I should have more time now, but I have tons of things to do for my grad application, improve my Japanese, learn Korean, and spend time with my boyfriend and friends... So I guess when on's life is fulfilled he doesn't need to sleep over anymore? lol don't make me laugh. I will still need sex.

Tonight I won't be able to sleep either. Maybe because I woke up late or something. Anyway, I'm working on stuff, so at least I'm productive! :) And I don't really need to wake up early anyway :P

Anyway, even if I have a boyfriend and everything, I miss Andy. Seriously. From my point of view, he's a really bad boy, with a really pure heart. lol Anyway, I guess I'm attracted to both of these. And maybe Fan attracts me too because of these, but he isn't that "bad" lol Fan is just like any other guy I guess. But Andy is quite different. Or is he? Maybe everyone is a normal person. Oh I don't know... But I guess you want to have what's hard to get.

I like to change things around me all the time. I can't stand being in the same environment for too long. Just like I can't like the same things for too long. I've been into electronic music lately, I'm not studying much in classes I don't like, I'm having a not so serious relationship, I'm moving, etc. Changes in my life in order to survive.

Today I was thinking about my life. I don't want to kill myself because I want to help people, to improve this world, to bring world peace. But I was wondering if that was really possible. Can I really make a change? Or am I gonna be incapable of changing people? And it's maybe not people I want to change but just the norms that government(?) have put in place. So how does one do that? :/ I still need some thinking.

Anyway, I'll just keep on working on my assignments and get some sleep! :)

1/6 Random stuff

School started, I'm getting more busy, my boyfriend is spending a lot of time with me, I see him every day at school and outside of school :) I made him super drunk on Tuesday night, and his mom was so angry he came so late. And the next day he had a class at 8:30 lol But he slept next to me while I was working on stuff for my Japanese class. So it was cute :)

I thought everything was getting good. And I didn't feel right about it. I thought I was gonna end up not having sex with anyone else than Fan. It's probably because I see him too much. But no, tonight I wanted to hook up, and I ended up with nothing...

But I ended up listening to good music and not doing my homeworks... Oh well, I still have time.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Kyan, it should be fun :) Oh, and I found Vidal, his friend, on gay411, so it's pretty funny! lol He's kinda cute, I don't really understand why he looks asian but is black and has an afro, but anyway! lol

Eason, the guy from my foursome on New Year's Eve, just added me on facebook. He has some really nice pics, and his friends are all cute asians!! :D lol just looking makes me want to go to Toronto! lol

I should probably ask at work tomorrow if I can do something more "intellectually challenging".

Oh, and I just had a webcam thing with Edin, and... well, yeah, I recorded everything. I don't want to publish it or anything, just want to keep a record (memory) of it. Maybe some day we won't talk to each other at all, so at least I'll have something to remember him!

Oh, and talking about recordings, I bought this Sony HDR-CX550V HD. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUElLO71gqQ I got it for only $900 CAD, so it's really a good price! :) Now waiting for it to arrive at my new place~~

ok, good night everyone! Hopefully tomorrow morning I will be working! lol and meeting Kyankyankyan!!! :D Excited!

1/3 Fan

So, when I woke up on January 1st, I decided to text Fan and ask him for an open relationship. And he sort of said yes. Then I called him to talk about it more, and we ended up being in a relationship :) Like I told him yesterday, the less serious it is, the more it will last. I''m not sure I really do love him right now, but I guess with time I can love anyone. I'm just not sure how sex and love will go together. But let's try and see. I'll never know if an open relationship is what I want or not if I don't try one! :)

So I wanted to have sex with Andy and texted him, and finally, after all these weeks, he said I could come over, but that he was pretty tired. Indeed, he didn't sleep or ate for the past  24 hours! lol stupid Andy. But after stalking on his cellphone while some smoking odor came out from the bathroom where he was, I read some guy telling him that Andy shouldn't take this xxx because it's dangerous. And Andy answered that it was better than alcohol or other stuff. What? What is he taking? Anyway, I don't want to know, but it's probably not so good... but yeah, we actually talked about relationships and he wants a closed one... like everyone else... urgh, I can forget my dream now...

Edit (02/10/11): Noteworthy to add is that I took a shower at his place. It might be absurd to write down, but I almost completely forgot about this fact, and forgetting details is one of the worst thing for me. For example, I bought the exact same lube as he had the first time I went to see him, but the second time he had another one! lol And I drank some vodka before sleeping, thinking that I would be high just like I thought he was with what he just did in the washroom. I was wrong since he slept quite quickly :P And he didn't hug me much, but anyway... he did fuck me in the morning, but he didn't cum. Too tired? I don't know.

We only had sex in the morning because he was too tired, and he didn't even come, but I came in the evening and the morning! lol (why do I always have to come when I have sex? lol)

And so I went back home, Fan texted me the last night but I didn't answer because I was sleeping over... But I asked him if he wanted to come and see my new place, and he agreed. So he came here to "play video games". Well I don't really have any room, so we didn't have much privacy, but I think it was okay. He was not expecting three other straight guys, but oh well... We had quite some fun I guess :)

And this Stephen guy called him and wanted to meet him, and me at the same time, but in the end I told Fan that we should just go out the two of us. I wanted to spend time with Fan, my new boyfriend, and not meet his ex who doesn't like open relationships! lol Anyway, we went to this restaurant, had fun, came back and tried to buy beer, and then headed back home so that he would tell me a secret, the only lie left in all of his lies... lol!!

We were drinking some beers, facebook playing (like writing stupid stuff on each other's walls) and watching videos... funny evening with a funny guy :) Well he wasn't drunk yet and he told me his secret was that he was still virgin... lol that's it? I don't fucking care! lol And I'm not an unvirginer! (i.e. I don't have fun fucking people who are virgin). So he had to go because of his mom (always his mom...) so he left around 12 I think.

Then Daishi talked to me on facebook chat. And we skyped a bit. The same usual shit. He was crying, telling me he was happy about my relationship... he stopped working to his new place and now he's doing his last interview this week. If it doesn't work out, he's going  back to Japan... Anyway, I guess there's not much I can do...

And so I went on talking to Guillaume, my best friend, about what happened in my life lately, all this sex/love/open relationship thing. And obviously, he didn't understand me. He thought something was wrong, that I didn't understand what love is, blablabla. Oh fuck you... :( I thought he would understand my feelings, but I guess not... Well, I guess not many people can. For example, I know Alex could, because of that: http://alexpinx.blogspot.com/2010/12/topic-love-lust.html (not sure the link will always be working, so here I will post it again, sorry for the length...)

Topic: Love & Lust

G: It sounds like you are only looking for platonic love. So you don't desire any physical pleasure at all?
A: I don't desire it at all because I always have a bunch of people around that I can fuck. What I'm missing is the one that I can love. 
G: You said you don't enjoy having sex with random people without feeling love though.
A: It's hard to explain. But I like to have someone to love and also people to sleep with at the same time. If I'm missing the former, I would never be satisfied with the latter.
G: I'm not following you...
A: Like you fuck someone and you feel empty after the fuck. That's not the good feeling, you know.
G: So you like to sleep with someone who you feel comfortable with?
A: Not even. I like to have someone to love separately from my bed mates.
G: What.....
A: I can never have sex with someone that I like. Because I will always associate that person only with that mental, emotional connection. I can love someone for years and years without having sex with that person. That loving relationship would be only stable without sex, rather but meanwhile I would be sleeping with a bunch of randos. It doesn't mean that I don't love who I love or I also like the people that I sleep with. It is just that I like the person that I love and I just take the people that I sleep with like objects. 
G: That's so...fucked. So you refuse to fuck the person who you love always?
A: Not that I refuse to, but more like I don't feel turned on at all. If I ever sleep with someone that I feel emotionally attached to I really have to fake it and would still feel very reluctant and not sexy at all.
G: That's so weird...
A: If I like someone I will start falling asleep in that person's bed every time. I like to kiss and cuddle with that person but not any further. On the other hand, I never kiss someone who I don't like. So I never kiss the person that I sleep with. When I have sex with someone I skip 1st, 2nd, 3rd base and just get to the point. I think kissing is a very intimate but also very sentimental action. I just can't do that without emotions. But sex? Yes.
G: Why don't you just combine two then. Kiss the person that you like and also sleep with the person.
A: I just can't. For me sex is hot when it's disrespectful and rough. I think I only get turned on when I feel that the person's intention is fully sexual and the sex is driven by only their lust. As much as you don't like the person and are so indifferent with that person, you feel so carefree and do whatever you want and have the hottest sex. And once you get sick of that person you can even discard and sleep with a new one, that's the beauty. But I will still love the person who I love with as I did from the beginning no matter how many times my bed partners have changed. 
G: So the guys that you have slept with don't get emotional with you?
A: Of course they do. But I consider them as an object so none of my business. 
G: You said you have been disgusted by the guys who are trying to hook up with you sexually...
A: Oh, it's because I'm missing the person who I can be mentally hooked with. If I'm missing such a person, I start feeling so skeptical about physical desires and shit. I need to ensure the platonic love first and my lust later. 
G: There are many guys who like you sincerely not just with lust, you know...
A: Doesn't matter or doesn't mean anything if I don't find them special you know. I gotta fall in love with someone who I find special and the person gotta be vacant for me to pour all the love at. 
G: That's so fucked up...I don't understand.
A: You just want to love somebody with no condition or without expecting rewards. You just like the person so much because that person just means a lot to you not because you feel sexual with that person.
G: Like how I feel with my mother or my sister...basically.
A: Maybe that's it. I don't know how other people feel about their family. My psychiatrist told me the same thing too. This "symptom" is due to the family affection deficiency from my childhood lol. Sth like that. But whatever.

Yeah, I want motherly love. Unconditional, warm, ever-lasting love that I can fully trust and I just never dare to fuck it whenever I find something close to like that.

And as you know, I'm Genmaicha, and Keumerz is Keum-Yeo from my Japanese class last year. Anyway, you can see my response! :) So I don't need to write more! lol

And so I didn't have sex until then, today I moved to my friend's place close to Chinatown, I'll be there for a few days before going back to my new place!!! :D School starts tomorrow, I already have homeworks. And thinking about school and work, it reminds me that I might start being this good kid again like before :S I don't want that... :( And worst of all, since I don't feel like having sex that much anymore, I'm thinking that I'm becoming  "normal" again... and this is bad, since it will keep the "bad myself" shut down and it won't be me, so I'll feel bad... I hope Fan will make me bad over and over again :)

Ok, that's it for now! (lol I've been writing for hours!) Hopefully things won't get boring in the future! Because "They say how you spend new years is how you spend the rest of your year" :)

Oh, and I'm finally gonna meet Kyan this week. lol it was about time!

1/1-1/3 Rain, Fan, Unity, and Foursome

Last night was a really long night. But it was so amazing.

I was supposed to meet Fan at 10 to get in Unity for the New Year's Eve. I went there early, so I had to wait, and Fan was 30 minutes late... it was raining a little bit, it was a bit cold, and we were supposed to meet inside a Starbucks but it was closed. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Except the creeper who talked to me twice to hook up with me, most probably. Ugh, I hate ugly old men.

Anyway, Fan arrived, he was wearing his white sexy pants, went to the Tim Hortons to pee. Then he had to go get some money, and finally we went in the line to get to Unity. And so after all this waiting we finally got in. It was my first time, and the place looks good. But what's cool is that gay people touch and kiss each other :) Cool!

Oh, can't finish now... My special Andy finally decided to spend some time with me :) Cuddling and sleeping :) Let's see how it goes~

1/3

Well I didn't have time to finish writing yesterday, and tomorrow school starts, so it's getting busy... Anyway...

So we took beers, he drank his first one super quickly, and then we danced a lot, sweated a lot, drank more, etc. At one point I decided to kiss a guy (he was asian? haha, I don't remember, but that's what Fan said) and then Fan was sort of jealous. So he decided to kiss another guy too. And then I kissed another one (a chinese guy) and another chinese guy came to me too lol they seemed to have been together. And so we kissed, touched, etc. Fan left with the guy to the washroom (he said he gave him a blowjob, I guess it could be true! lol) so I was left alone with these two guys, and we started touching inside our pants. Anyway, it was pretty intense and fun! lol

When Fan came back from the washroom, I went away with him. We wanted to sit down but as soon as we did, these two chinese guys came back. We started touching but I saw that Fan was not so comfortable, so I just left with him. We went back dancing, I was holding him up multiple times, to which he was overly excited! lol and the rest of the night was awesome :)

I told Fan that I loved him, and actually asked him to be my boyfriend. I guess alcohol played a part on this, but it was true that I loved him and I thought about asking him before. Later on Fan had to leave. It was 3am I think. I decided to stay, even if I was gonna be alone. So I was sad he left but anyway. I tried to find the two chinese guys I had unfinished business with. I found two asian guys but I wasn't sure if it was them. So I started touching them but realized it wasn't! lol so I continued looking and I found them in a corner! We continued to kiss and touch, my dick was out of my pants... lol And then I asked them if we could finish this at their place. They were like "no, we can't" but then it was closing time, and in fact they decided to bring me in. I wasn't sure what they told me (that there was gonna be someone else) but I was fine, I was horny! lol

And so we walked to this hotel... one guy was holding me all along, but I put his arm away (we were outside on Ste-Catherine, it might have been dangerous at 3:30) And then when we got in the room, another Chinese guy was waiting on a bed! lol I wanted to pee, so I did. And then this third guy was topless and said "come here", which I did and bam! we started kissing and touching. And we continued, only one guy was hard enough to fuck me... had to check multiple times if he had a condom... >_< but it was pretty lame as they would only touch me and not themselves, as they were friends... lol So I was the center of the attention, and it was a bit exhausting, especially since it was 4-6am... I think I came first, then the guy in me, and the two other didn't.

There was one pretty guy (he had a shaved head! lol sexy~~) but he was also soft all the time and would just go on the other bed and watch us... :( Anyway, that ended up like this. I gave my number and email address, and I left and walked back home. It was 6:30 when I arrived, I jumped in the air bed, and woke up at around 2-4pm.

The rest of the story will be in the next post! lol