1/13 Suicide

I don't think I really felt any good today at all. But when I received Andy's unexpected text: "You might hate me after this but I'm kind of seeing someone right now and it's kinda complicated situation..." I answered nicely and everything, because I didn't think it would hurt me at all. Well it does. It fucking does...

I don't really understand. You probably read from my previous posts that I was sort of in love with him, or just in big admiration of his person. I don't even understand what his text means, but it's probably "let's stop talking or seeing each other..." I never thought he was seeing our two hookups as something that could become a relationship. Or maybe he was sort of in love with me too until he realized I was not the kind of guy he was looking for. So end of story. And he preferred telling me that way... idk, whatever...

So after work I was thinking about suicide like I do often lately. So instead of going home I decided to walk around old port. I texted Daishi, thinking I could get some help. My hands were frozen since I was trying to text, and my music stopped out of battery. So I had nothing else and I decided to head home. While Daishi texting but probably not helping.

So in the end, nobody loves me. Everybody hates me from some point, since I'm not the most "friendly" person. I mean, I think I do love everyone around me, but I also hate them for being so closed-minded. And in the end, no matter how much I try to find someone open like me, I just can't. Everyone looks so different from me. I can't fit anywhere in this society. Not at school, not at work, not in my family, not with my friends, not in someone's bed, not even in my boyfriend's arms. No matter where I am, I know it's not my place, I know there is something wrong, and I just feel like leaving.

But go where? It's not like anything is different at another place. It's not like society will be better at another place, school will be more like me in a different country, or work will be close to my ideals, or I could find another family that I identify more to, or find friends who share the same beliefs and ideals, or have good sex I like, or have a boyfriend who can understand me and love me how I am. It's not like any of these can happen somewhere else or with someone else. I know the world is a big place and blablabla, but I also know that people are people, no matter where they are from. If in all my years I never found someone like me, I could be almost sure there wouldn't be anywhere else. Why keep looking for something that should not exist?

So here I am, not able to kill myself (I asked Daishi if we could die together but he said no :( ), drinking rhum that tastes like shit, writing my blog, hoping this someone I'm looking for would see what I write and would write me something. So maybe this is what I have been doing, why I can't kill myself, why I'm still trying to figure out my life. I'm waiting for the prince on his white horse. I'm such an idiot. Even if someone would try to contact me, I would probably think that person is shit since I always do the first step and don't like when someone else do it. And anyway, I can't actually love someone, the more I know someone and the more I try to find something that I don't like about that person so that this person hates me with me showing my dislike.

Edit (2/10/11): Because I do not have admiration for these people. See my post on 2/10/11.

I just posted this on my facebook wall: "I realized that even if I say I'm gonna kill myself, no one would actually care. And then if I actually did it, people wouldn't care more. People wouldn't be sad, and no one would understand why I did it. So I keep living, with this thought that no one loves me sincerely. But at the same time, I deserve it. I just hate people, why would they love me?" I guess I'll get some answers or something, but anyway. I think it sums up pretty well what I think of my "friends", and I don't care whatever they might think of me after that. But at least I will have been sincere, and in this sincerity there might be someone that stands up and actually gets close to being this person I'm looking for. Just like with this blog where I don't stop myself from saying everything that I want to say, even if it hurts people, so that this special person finds me... oh yeah... prince... fuck you.