This is an example from the theory I'm starting to write down on pieces of paper. But I'll write my example here since it's faster to type down.
Having been around numerous gay men in my life, I have heard the same and same conclusion all the time, which is even depicted by the mega-hit "Born This Way". I don't know who first stated that gays were born gay, but this is just a lie used to explain their "difference" and make them accepted in society. Because biology doesn't have an answer for homosexuality, people had to find another reason: innate behavior. But no, this isn't right. Homosexuality isn't a physical reaction, it is a psychological reaction between another person. A gay man will react sexually to another gay man because of psychological behavior. We all understand that. What we don't understand (and most of the time do not try to understand) is where this male-male attraction originated from. The answer is society, or in other words, people around the child.
The child will HAVE to distinguish the differences between male and female. But not only physically, the child will get numerous false statements about psychological aspects of each sex. For example, the child will see and understand that male are stronger physically and therefore that female are weak physically. As much as this could be considered true on an average comparison (because of the muscles of the male body usually growing faster than that of the female body), it creates too many prejudices. Does that mean if I am a boy I will be strong and if I am a girl I will be weak? Can I be a weak boy or a strong girl? Who wants to be a girl if girls are weak? (is being strong better than being weak?) And I could keep rising questions about the difference between men being "stronger" than women, but let's come to the conclusion that everybody is different and therefore the evaluation of "strong" or "weak" is meaningless. We can even go further by saying that these two words have different connotations, and thus the language is an issue, but I will leave the language problem for another time.
From what s/he has been told by the society and by looking at the society around her/him, the child then considers all the differences between male and female and does not come to a conclusion. A child does not need to choose whichever he "believes" is better. The child just observes and takes note in her/his head. The problem (because yes, holding a belief is definitely a problem) is when the child HAS to choose which s/he prefers.
For me, the choosing time was quite late: I only had to choose when I was 19 year-old. Before then, my parents would assume I was heterosexual, but my mother told us we could also be homosexual and it wouldn't make any difference to her. Was I given a complete free choice of being whoever I wanted? No, I was still considered to be heterosexual by my family, and by my friends, and by myself. In fact, I wasn't thinking about whether I was gay or straight. I had other more important concerns. And I lived quite well enjoying a life full of porn (both heterosexual and homosexual) while not having real sex with anyone (because I had no need for it).
In elementary school, I played a gay character (full of stupid stereotypes) in order to "raise awareness" but mostly to get attention from everyone since I wasn't really popular. Because I didn't care if people would think of me being gay, it didn't make any difference for me. And no, for skeptics, I wasn't "born gay", since at that time (10 year-old) I haven't had any feeling toward any particular sex, though it follows that I was already influenced at that time by the idea that men were of "superior quality" in my head. Later on, when someone asked me if I was gay, I would just say "no! I'm completely straight!" because my gay acting was just for fun, and I had to tell them that it was a joke and that I wasn't gay. Yet I had no idea and didn't care much, I told them I was straight just as a "I'm normal" answer. Because I learned (wrongly) that being straight was the normal (good) behavior, and gay was the exception (wrong). So whenever asked, my answer was already made up and was coming without much thinking. It doesn't mean I considered myself straight, just that I knew how to evade questions about my sexual orientation.
In college, though, I was made to make a choice, to be part of a category, to be labeled as either straight or gay. My friends were straight acting men, and their excessive behavior on jokes/posters/videos/girlfriends/etc. about female sex shown to me would eventually annoy me until I started thinking about whether I liked women or not. There were many other factors, such as surveys or identification, "do you have a girlfriend yet?", and all these comments given by people all around me. It went to a point where I couldn't resist anymore to the pressure. I had to think, out of pressure by society, about my sexual orientation and have an answer to it. My answer was that I was gay, because I watched gay porn (that simple-minded).
The worst part of this is that this identification as "gay" made me part of a group of people. Like them, I believed I was gay. I believed that men were better than women. I believed that men were sexually attractive to me. And then, like other members of that group, I started to believe that a gay man has to come out of the closet, has to tell his friends, has to assume he is gay, has to look at other men and judge them physically. In short, I was made to believe I had to be "gay". Later on other questions arose, for example: am I top or bottom? being asked from too many people, and answering too many different answers to please them. This all followed the same process.
In fact, I am not gay. Neither are any person on this planet. I have been considered crazy multiple times by saying that we all are bisexuals. There was something I forgot in my theory: everyone who is completely rational and free of beliefs will come to the conclusion that they are bisexual. Now this sounds like "being bisexual is more open-minded and smarter and better than everything else". But let me be accurate here: even if I use words with connotations (for example "open-minded" has a positive connotation) I do not use them as such; take my words with no good or bad meaning attached to them. I am not saying being bisexual is better than being gay or straight, and I will never try to say something similar or opposed. I am just saying that we are not born with a preference for any sex, therefore according to definitions, we are born bisexual.
When someone tells me they are gay and find pussies disgusting, it annoys me. I usually go on asking "have you tried to like pussies?" to which most people will answer yes. I clearly doubt that. They probably "tried" just a little bit. The man who considers himself as gay is not telling me the truth, but only a belief he holds. Well, not exactly. It isn't a belief he is holding, it is a belief he feels the need to say in order to be part of the group who is saying the same belief. Once one labels him as gay, there usually is no turning back. Why would there be? We are told that being gay is "good", there is now something to fight for (gay rights around the world) and since we were "born this way", there is nothing that can be changed, so why even bother thinking about it? And eventually the man believes so much he is gay that he will never try (or maybe even think to try) to doubt about this now "fact".
In phases, it would be: (1) Observation, (2) Requirement of a Choice, (3) Making of a Choice, (4) Validation, (5) Acceptance, (6) Belief.
(1) Observation
This phase is when the child looks around and is given many different information, or not at all. There is definitely no belief here, and no matter what the child might answer to a question, it will not mean anything for her/him. This phase is also seen at any age,, as soon as someone discovers something new.
(2) Requirement of a Choice
When society is asking for the person to make a decision, to choose between different options (for example indirectly just by looking that mostly everyone else around her/him has already made a choice), the person will, at some point, feel the need to answer the question. This phase is ultimately asking to the person that s/he needs to believe in something. There can be rejection of making a choice, if the person feels like s/he does not need to make a choice even if s/he is asked to.
(3) Making of a Choice
By making a choice, the belief is created, yet it is still not be believed in. The choice (or choices) made here do not define the person, it is either randomly selected or influenced by people around the person (either agreeing or opposing to them).
(4) Validation
This phase is when the person tries the choice s/he took. S/he will answer anyone's question with the answer found in the previous phase. This phase can be short or long. Actually, I would like to think that this is the final step and that no one really comes to believe anything. If for example one changes from a choice to another one, then that person was still in this validation phase, because s/he figured out that the first choice wasn't the right one and that the second one might be the good one.
(5) Acceptance
When the person has clearly tried out the choice and has considered it to be so accurate that it is true, then s/he accepts the choice as defining her/him. At this point, the person will not try to doubt her/his choice and it will eventually become a belief.
(6) Belief
The belief is when it makes no sense at all for the person to even think that her/his decision might have been wrong. There will never be any doubt about it, and the person will not be able to change her/his mind on this belief.
Most people I know are in the latter phases (4-6), that I will call the Belief Phases. For example, as I understand it, my gay friends all assume their homosexuality and do not doubt it, so they are part of the Belief Phases. Children, however, are part of the Questioning Phases (1-3). They do not need to make a choice yet, and society will in most cases give them time to "find on their own" until they think the children are grown-up and have to answer "questions about life".
With this example of homosexuality, I tried to understand how beliefs (the belief of being homosexual, or the belief that men are more attractive than women) are created during one's life. My conclusion is that it is not innate, like we are believed to think, but completely made out from a decision that society asks us to take at one point in our life. I made my observations with the idea that everyone is a rational being, i.e. that everyone is able to find out what made them homosexual in their past. Yet I also tend to think that not everyone is able to think so rationally, my point being that they do not try to seek the truth, since they already believe in it. (How can someone realize this at every phase?) Most homosexuals do not rationally think about whether they really are gay or not, but prefer to keep it that way, since the society wants to make their lives easier by telling them that they were born this way. This example lacks the explanation of communication of beliefs between individuals, creation and maintenance of beliefs in society, language connotations, and sexual and physical attraction. Thus, I will need to come back and define these in more details.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
7/15 Can't work
Yeah, I can't work at all. I've been drinking and drinking tea, but I can't seem to be able to translate anything. I mean, I do translate some stuff, but I'm really slow, doing other stuff, and it has become so difficult for me. I can't seem to be able to translate anything at all. I spend so much time doing these translations but in the end I get them all wrong because I don't understand anything I'm trying to translate.
When Khanh comes back in the evening, I HAVE to spend all my time with him, or else I'm "not a good friend"... And even if he lets me work, he watches TV and it distracts me... :( I know I'll be moving in two weeks so it will be easier for me to work, but then it sounds like I didn't work at all during all the summer... :( Like I really suck and will definitely disappoint Adrienne...
So I'm back on menchats masturbating... great! And drinking tea... while trying to get some motivation! Once I drink 6 liters of tea I might be able to work on it! :)
When Khanh comes back in the evening, I HAVE to spend all my time with him, or else I'm "not a good friend"... And even if he lets me work, he watches TV and it distracts me... :( I know I'll be moving in two weeks so it will be easier for me to work, but then it sounds like I didn't work at all during all the summer... :( Like I really suck and will definitely disappoint Adrienne...
So I'm back on menchats masturbating... great! And drinking tea... while trying to get some motivation! Once I drink 6 liters of tea I might be able to work on it! :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
7/12 Who cares who you are and what you think, what's important is that we have fun together
So I went into a "fight" with my roommate. In short, he was pissed off I was so evasive in my answers about myself. And no matter I try to explain that I am not a definite person like most people seem to be, he doesn't want to keep a friendship because for him I am not honest.
So, I realized that my best friends are those who do not know me, and do not want to know me. Or, they could be people who know me but accept the fact that one can change (and I don't think I really have any of these right now).
So, I'll name people on my "secret" facebook and see what I mean by that.
Christina: She is an egocentric person. By that, I mean that she likes talking about herself. And she knows it well. And that's what I like about her. When I talk with her, it's not about me, it's not about us, it's about her. And I like to listen to her. And that's it. She looks at who I am, she observes from a distance, but she doesn't ask any question, she doesn't tell me anything about me. I love that.
Keum-Yeo: She probably doesn't give a damn about me. And for a good reason, I'm no one in this world. I do the same thing with people, I treat them like they should be treated. So her lack of interest for me is what makes me think of her as a friend, since we can talk about other stuff than me, or us.
Sergei: When I want to say something to him, I go and tell him. When I don't want to, he's not gonna ask. We can spend months and months not talking to each other, and we don't mind. We're not gonna ask personal stuff if we don't want to talk about it. So for me he's a friend who I can talk to when I feel like it, and he does the same thing. We might not talk too much, but we don't care, we don't need it. All we need is be friends. Nothing else in return.
Guillaume: That's a tricky one. I guess he's like Sergei, he leaves me alone and is here when I need him, but at the same time he also understands that I'm not stable, and that I change all the time. So that's cool.
Eason: I realized after thinking about all of this that he doesn't really ask me about anything. He does some times, but most of the time what we do is have fun. Have fun. Be friends. No need to go into the details. No need to ask personal questions. Or maybe sometimes, like anyone would, but with a "oh ok" answer of "disinterest". I don't think it's disinterest, but it's more "who cares who you are and what you think, what's important is that we have fun together."
Is that my definition of open-minded? Probably close to it. Maybe "fun" should be replaced by another word... That's what I feel with my best friends, and with Eason even more. And so that is why I like them. And why I always feel so good with Eason, someone I have fun with, but who doesn't want to know me.
Maybe I became like this because I have to remember what I say to everyone, but when I don't say anything I can feel at ease? Maybe it's because I never could choose my friends, and had to do with whoever was there with me. Or something else, I can't think properly right now.
But anyway, I don't get along people who try to know me. I get along with people who don't. So this blog is quite stupid in the end. I've been looking for the wrong person. I've been looking for someone who would be able to understand me, to know me truly, yet what I was really looking for is someone who doesn't know me and doesn't want to. So someone who probably wouldn't read this blog. Someone who wouldn't be interested by it. Like those friends who have access to it, but who don't read it.
Why? I don't know. But at least now I know I shouldn't hang around with people who want to know me. It might sounds stupid, but we will just hurt each other. So we might as well just give it up. And for the next people I will meet in my life, I will do like that friend Kenny last summer told me: "oh we're just here to have fun, who cares about truth or lies?"
So, I realized that my best friends are those who do not know me, and do not want to know me. Or, they could be people who know me but accept the fact that one can change (and I don't think I really have any of these right now).
So, I'll name people on my "secret" facebook and see what I mean by that.
Christina: She is an egocentric person. By that, I mean that she likes talking about herself. And she knows it well. And that's what I like about her. When I talk with her, it's not about me, it's not about us, it's about her. And I like to listen to her. And that's it. She looks at who I am, she observes from a distance, but she doesn't ask any question, she doesn't tell me anything about me. I love that.
Keum-Yeo: She probably doesn't give a damn about me. And for a good reason, I'm no one in this world. I do the same thing with people, I treat them like they should be treated. So her lack of interest for me is what makes me think of her as a friend, since we can talk about other stuff than me, or us.
Sergei: When I want to say something to him, I go and tell him. When I don't want to, he's not gonna ask. We can spend months and months not talking to each other, and we don't mind. We're not gonna ask personal stuff if we don't want to talk about it. So for me he's a friend who I can talk to when I feel like it, and he does the same thing. We might not talk too much, but we don't care, we don't need it. All we need is be friends. Nothing else in return.
Guillaume: That's a tricky one. I guess he's like Sergei, he leaves me alone and is here when I need him, but at the same time he also understands that I'm not stable, and that I change all the time. So that's cool.
Eason: I realized after thinking about all of this that he doesn't really ask me about anything. He does some times, but most of the time what we do is have fun. Have fun. Be friends. No need to go into the details. No need to ask personal questions. Or maybe sometimes, like anyone would, but with a "oh ok" answer of "disinterest". I don't think it's disinterest, but it's more "who cares who you are and what you think, what's important is that we have fun together."
Is that my definition of open-minded? Probably close to it. Maybe "fun" should be replaced by another word... That's what I feel with my best friends, and with Eason even more. And so that is why I like them. And why I always feel so good with Eason, someone I have fun with, but who doesn't want to know me.
Maybe I became like this because I have to remember what I say to everyone, but when I don't say anything I can feel at ease? Maybe it's because I never could choose my friends, and had to do with whoever was there with me. Or something else, I can't think properly right now.
But anyway, I don't get along people who try to know me. I get along with people who don't. So this blog is quite stupid in the end. I've been looking for the wrong person. I've been looking for someone who would be able to understand me, to know me truly, yet what I was really looking for is someone who doesn't know me and doesn't want to. So someone who probably wouldn't read this blog. Someone who wouldn't be interested by it. Like those friends who have access to it, but who don't read it.
Why? I don't know. But at least now I know I shouldn't hang around with people who want to know me. It might sounds stupid, but we will just hurt each other. So we might as well just give it up. And for the next people I will meet in my life, I will do like that friend Kenny last summer told me: "oh we're just here to have fun, who cares about truth or lies?"
Monday, July 11, 2011
7/11 Stress
Feels like I haven't posted in ages. But it's only been 6 days...
Anyway, I got a call last week from my dad saying that my grandmother was seriously sick and her lungs couldn't recover so she was expected to die in a few days. I had to visit apartments (yes I have to move, again... @_@ ) the next day (Thursday) and so I woke up early (8am). Then I visited them and I took the one at $535/month. It is a bit expensive, and there is only a fridge and a stove included (electricity and stuff also is), so I need to buy other furnitures, and other stuff. So it sucks. But anyway...
So then I went to Quebec city, I was really stressed out about everything. My life in general. And I don't want to write anything else for the moment...
TBC
Anyway, I got a call last week from my dad saying that my grandmother was seriously sick and her lungs couldn't recover so she was expected to die in a few days. I had to visit apartments (yes I have to move, again... @_@ ) the next day (Thursday) and so I woke up early (8am). Then I visited them and I took the one at $535/month. It is a bit expensive, and there is only a fridge and a stove included (electricity and stuff also is), so I need to buy other furnitures, and other stuff. So it sucks. But anyway...
So then I went to Quebec city, I was really stressed out about everything. My life in general. And I don't want to write anything else for the moment...
TBC
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
7/5 Love
At some point I think this blog is just about me finding the definition of love. I have been "in love" multiple times since I started writing this blog. I think every time I thought of it as "let's try" instead of "let's live". Let me explain this a little bit more.
I remember four years ago, when I didn't have any friend and just moved to another city, I wanted to make friends so badly. And so I would kind of harass people to get them to like me. I would most of the time show them good things about me, talk to them all the time, show them that I was really interested even if they weren't. Anyway, I wanted to be loved but I was forcing it. I think I've learned.
But not exactly. I'm still doing the same thing. Whenever I fall in love, I feel like I have to do something quickly or else I will lose the guy. I have to text him the next day, talk to him all the time, etc. But seriously, how annoying is this? I guess it worked fine with Fan. I could text him all the time and he was the happiest guy in the world.
I developed another way of doing. You might already figured it out: I do whatever I want to do, just being myself. And so that's what I have been doing with these guys I've been falling in love with recently: I talk too them all the time not because I want them to like me, but because I just feel like it. I just feel like talking to them, and so that's what I do. I don't care if they think I'm creepy or anything, I just do it.
But you know it's wrong. I do that because I want to be loved. I don't want to believe that anyone could love me since I don't like myself, and so I feel so insecure that I need to get that love by myself, which is manipulation (playing with someone else's feelings). Anyway, something like that...
Yesterday I texted Eason. Maybe it was too soon, but anyway, I did it. I missed him so I wanted to hear from him. I didn't get anything back but you know what? I don't feel that bad about it. I know he's still gonna talk to me in the future. I trust him. I trust that he loves me. Or I want to believe that.
Wait, did I just use the word "believe"? OMG, I must be crazy. lol For one second I thought I just said "I believe" but no... I said it right, I wrote "I want to believe"! :D Not the same thing!! I know I can't believe in anything, but I'd like to, just because being in love and trusting the other person's love makes you feel so good. For example I was super motivated last week. But I guess it's wrong to believe, or believe in love (i.e. be in love), and if I want motivation I need to find it somewhere else. But not in the belief of reciprocal love. Oh no.
That being said, I don't know what I'm thinking anymore, but... La cocaina no es buena para su salud!
I remember four years ago, when I didn't have any friend and just moved to another city, I wanted to make friends so badly. And so I would kind of harass people to get them to like me. I would most of the time show them good things about me, talk to them all the time, show them that I was really interested even if they weren't. Anyway, I wanted to be loved but I was forcing it. I think I've learned.
But not exactly. I'm still doing the same thing. Whenever I fall in love, I feel like I have to do something quickly or else I will lose the guy. I have to text him the next day, talk to him all the time, etc. But seriously, how annoying is this? I guess it worked fine with Fan. I could text him all the time and he was the happiest guy in the world.
I developed another way of doing. You might already figured it out: I do whatever I want to do, just being myself. And so that's what I have been doing with these guys I've been falling in love with recently: I talk too them all the time not because I want them to like me, but because I just feel like it. I just feel like talking to them, and so that's what I do. I don't care if they think I'm creepy or anything, I just do it.
But you know it's wrong. I do that because I want to be loved. I don't want to believe that anyone could love me since I don't like myself, and so I feel so insecure that I need to get that love by myself, which is manipulation (playing with someone else's feelings). Anyway, something like that...
Yesterday I texted Eason. Maybe it was too soon, but anyway, I did it. I missed him so I wanted to hear from him. I didn't get anything back but you know what? I don't feel that bad about it. I know he's still gonna talk to me in the future. I trust him. I trust that he loves me. Or I want to believe that.
Wait, did I just use the word "believe"? OMG, I must be crazy. lol For one second I thought I just said "I believe" but no... I said it right, I wrote "I want to believe"! :D Not the same thing!! I know I can't believe in anything, but I'd like to, just because being in love and trusting the other person's love makes you feel so good. For example I was super motivated last week. But I guess it's wrong to believe, or believe in love (i.e. be in love), and if I want motivation I need to find it somewhere else. But not in the belief of reciprocal love. Oh no.
That being said, I don't know what I'm thinking anymore, but... La cocaina no es buena para su salud!
7/5 Eason Part 4
And so me and Khanh went back in car. I was really tired so I got around an hour and a half of sleep. Then we talked a lot, mostly about him finding out that I didn't really love Eason, or that he was lying to me, or that Justin was asking Khanh too many personal questions on him, etc.
Anyway, I don't have much to say on this. It could go on with numerous scenarios, and everything, but I don't want to assume anything, I want to trust people first and then even if I figure out they weren't honest, try to find out why and understand the reasons.
Anyway, after we arrived, we went to sleep, but the next morning I saw two messages that Eason sent me around midnight:
Eason: R u home safely?
I appreciate your coming for a special surprise. Sorry that I didn't plan too well for your coming and certainly believe we will have fun again when u r here end of July.
Me: Yeah I'm safe and slept a lot! :) I know, next time will be better, and we won't have pressure from friends around :) [I was talking about all Justin and Khanh, and his other friends too. Note that I use happy smileys excessively, maybe to seem like I am happy while I'm not?] but I really like you more than anyone else and I don't want to only talk to you when we are together cuz I get to forget my feelings for you. Install skype and find some time (like once a week) to talk to me face to face! :) you don't have to, but it'd be nice :) oh, and shengri kuaile! :D xiang ni
Eason: Thanks sweetie :) I just finished cleaning my room and party decoration
Me: Oh, you're not celebrating again tonight? Or maybe somewhere else? :P
Eason: That's tonite :) dinner right now party after....
Me: Ok, have fun! :) and lots of presents :P
Eason: Thx I will :)
And so it ended well. I wanted to write him something today (Monday), so I sent him this:
Hey! How was the weekend in the end? Are you gonna relax this week? :P
To which I didn't get any response. But anyway, let's try not to be depressed like I usually am. I will wait even if I don't get any answer, and this weekend I'll ask him if I can call him or something. I thought once a week on the phone or on skype was a good idea since it isn't too much but it's regular :)
Anyway, I don't have much to say on this. It could go on with numerous scenarios, and everything, but I don't want to assume anything, I want to trust people first and then even if I figure out they weren't honest, try to find out why and understand the reasons.
Anyway, after we arrived, we went to sleep, but the next morning I saw two messages that Eason sent me around midnight:
Eason: R u home safely?
I appreciate your coming for a special surprise. Sorry that I didn't plan too well for your coming and certainly believe we will have fun again when u r here end of July.
Me: Yeah I'm safe and slept a lot! :) I know, next time will be better, and we won't have pressure from friends around :) [I was talking about all Justin and Khanh, and his other friends too. Note that I use happy smileys excessively, maybe to seem like I am happy while I'm not?] but I really like you more than anyone else and I don't want to only talk to you when we are together cuz I get to forget my feelings for you. Install skype and find some time (like once a week) to talk to me face to face! :) you don't have to, but it'd be nice :) oh, and shengri kuaile! :D xiang ni
Eason: Thanks sweetie :) I just finished cleaning my room and party decoration
Me: Oh, you're not celebrating again tonight? Or maybe somewhere else? :P
Eason: That's tonite :) dinner right now party after....
Me: Ok, have fun! :) and lots of presents :P
Eason: Thx I will :)
And so it ended well. I wanted to write him something today (Monday), so I sent him this:
Hey! How was the weekend in the end? Are you gonna relax this week? :P
To which I didn't get any response. But anyway, let's try not to be depressed like I usually am. I will wait even if I don't get any answer, and this weekend I'll ask him if I can call him or something. I thought once a week on the phone or on skype was a good idea since it isn't too much but it's regular :)
Sunday, July 3, 2011
7/3 Wanna Be Alone
So, again, I don't want sex with anyone, except Eason. And even him, I don't care if I don't have sex but just spend time with him. Anyway, I don't want to talk about Eason, but Khanh.
Today he tried to have sex with me. He was kissing me, and I was just like "no, get the hell out of here". But you know, this isn't my place. It's his place. And I knew I could get kicked off at any time. Well, Khanh wants sex with me. I don't want sex with anyone. And I don't really like sex with Khanh. So I'm kinda forced to have sex.
I did have sex in the afternoon with him. By pity or something I guess. I didn't want to. I didn't like it.
I just want to find a place of my own and live alone. No problem with anyone else. Just living alone. I can't seem to be able to live with other people anyway. But seems like I've always had someone else living with me, from when I was born up to now. So maybe that is why I feel so insecure sleeping or living alone. Because I've never tried it. And I probably wouldn't like it and go crazy. But anyway.
Living with Khanh is great. It would be much better though if we had two different bedrooms, so that we can have our private lives. And don't need to please each other or have sex when we don't want to.
Anyway, I'm just fucked up and I knew already I was, but I guess I needed to confirm it.
I guess the only person I can live with is myself.
Yup.
Today he tried to have sex with me. He was kissing me, and I was just like "no, get the hell out of here". But you know, this isn't my place. It's his place. And I knew I could get kicked off at any time. Well, Khanh wants sex with me. I don't want sex with anyone. And I don't really like sex with Khanh. So I'm kinda forced to have sex.
I did have sex in the afternoon with him. By pity or something I guess. I didn't want to. I didn't like it.
I just want to find a place of my own and live alone. No problem with anyone else. Just living alone. I can't seem to be able to live with other people anyway. But seems like I've always had someone else living with me, from when I was born up to now. So maybe that is why I feel so insecure sleeping or living alone. Because I've never tried it. And I probably wouldn't like it and go crazy. But anyway.
Living with Khanh is great. It would be much better though if we had two different bedrooms, so that we can have our private lives. And don't need to please each other or have sex when we don't want to.
Anyway, I'm just fucked up and I knew already I was, but I guess I needed to confirm it.
I guess the only person I can live with is myself.
Yup.
7/3 Eason Part 3
And so we met. He was with Justin, the friend who came last weekend, and I was with Khanh. And that is probably why there were all these tensions. Well first we couldn't touch or kiss or anything since we were in a mall. Then there were a lot of people to take care of at the same time, especially me since I knew all of the three. I tried walking with Eason as much as I could, but it was really awkward. Why?
Well, Eason didn't seem too happy to see me. Or he probably was but he was upset too. According to Khanh, Justin said something like "Oh, I was really surprised to hear you came here after just so little time". With a bad English and an intonation that seemed like I was really stupid for coming. But anyway, I don't care, and I just took his words for a fact, not his intonation, while Khanh started to judge him with the way he said it. And I guess that's just one of the many misunderstandings. I mean, I was not there to judge them or anything, and I never really do that with people. I try to understand them, and whether they are "annoying" or "super nice", it doesn't matter to me, as they are people and I find them interesting. That's all. There's no use to judge someone.
I say that, because obviously Eason and Justin talked to each other before seeing me. And it clearly affected the mood. Like "hey, Francis came to Toronto!" with an happy mood followed by a "what? why the fuck he is still here? what does he want? to follow you everywhere like a little dog?" from his friend can change all his perception of it. And it probably did. So yes, from my point of view at least, Eason was mad at me not only because I disrupted his plans and everything, but also because his friend/s influenced him to think like this. And to make lies maybe?
Because I am not sure what Eason told me was the complete truth. He usually always is completely honest with me, but on that day, I noticed what he said wasn't always making sense. For example, he had a party on that night, but I couldn't be invited? It was at his place, so what was wrong? What was he hiding? No matter what reason I try to put on this (exclusive party, pissed off of me, etc.) it doesn't really goo on with anything he told me... Anyway, like I said, I don't care, I might have been asking too much, but I was being honest, just wanting to know why I couldn't come, and though I was planning on staying the weekend, my goal was just to go to Toronto to see him a little bit for his birthday. So in the end, I was not sad or anything for not spending more time with him, I was just confused that he wouldn't be completely honest with me.
And that created a lot of scenarios in the car back home with Khanh. To some point his logic made me almost believe him, but during the night I came to the conclusion that I know Eason and trust him, since I know he can bu trusted. So even if he lied to me, he had a good reason and I will accept it. I did something that pissed him off, with or without his friend changing his mind, but I did something non rationally, so I don't mind his reaction. In fact, I wouldn't mind his reaction about anything, just like I wouldn't do for anyone. (yeah, moral nihilism) And I think Eason is like this too, but it's hard when your friend is living with you and always around you. So I guess I understand why he had to lie to me, or whatever he wasn't honest with. Just because of his friend. And maybe mine too.
We went in the gay village to sit down somewhere and talk, and I still felt awkward. I mean, I didn't want to do anything since I didn't want to upset Eason. Anyway, when we sat down and he went to order something for us, it took me a while to realize that he was standing there all alone. So I stood up and went to see him, but two friends showed up, and so I decided, since he wasn't alone anymore, to go back and sit down. That was stupid since I haven't been introduced to them, but anyway, I stood up again to go meet them, and we got our drinks, and the friends were gone, and we sat, me next to Eason since I wanted it that way (and had to ask Justin to change place).
So that's when I put my arm behind Eason. I guess I should have done it before, but I felt awkward, I had to have all the courage that Khanh gave me (probably out of some kind of jealousy, but anyway...) I thought he didn't feel right about it, but he did I think. (I had to ask him to be sure) Then at some point he touch my leg, and after a while he went closer to my body, and I hold him with my two arms. Anyway, I kind of asked him to kiss me lol But we did kiss a little bit, though I don't think he was really comfortable to kiss in front of Justin and Khanh. Anyway...
And finally we went to the subway station. Justin wanted to take a picture with my camera, but he seemed not to understand how it worked (I said don't touch anything but he did lol). We were asked to kiss by Justin, but Eason didn't want to, so we didn't. (I still have that moment on tape! lol) And so we said goodbyes and we left.
Well, Eason didn't seem too happy to see me. Or he probably was but he was upset too. According to Khanh, Justin said something like "Oh, I was really surprised to hear you came here after just so little time". With a bad English and an intonation that seemed like I was really stupid for coming. But anyway, I don't care, and I just took his words for a fact, not his intonation, while Khanh started to judge him with the way he said it. And I guess that's just one of the many misunderstandings. I mean, I was not there to judge them or anything, and I never really do that with people. I try to understand them, and whether they are "annoying" or "super nice", it doesn't matter to me, as they are people and I find them interesting. That's all. There's no use to judge someone.
I say that, because obviously Eason and Justin talked to each other before seeing me. And it clearly affected the mood. Like "hey, Francis came to Toronto!" with an happy mood followed by a "what? why the fuck he is still here? what does he want? to follow you everywhere like a little dog?" from his friend can change all his perception of it. And it probably did. So yes, from my point of view at least, Eason was mad at me not only because I disrupted his plans and everything, but also because his friend/s influenced him to think like this. And to make lies maybe?
Because I am not sure what Eason told me was the complete truth. He usually always is completely honest with me, but on that day, I noticed what he said wasn't always making sense. For example, he had a party on that night, but I couldn't be invited? It was at his place, so what was wrong? What was he hiding? No matter what reason I try to put on this (exclusive party, pissed off of me, etc.) it doesn't really goo on with anything he told me... Anyway, like I said, I don't care, I might have been asking too much, but I was being honest, just wanting to know why I couldn't come, and though I was planning on staying the weekend, my goal was just to go to Toronto to see him a little bit for his birthday. So in the end, I was not sad or anything for not spending more time with him, I was just confused that he wouldn't be completely honest with me.
And that created a lot of scenarios in the car back home with Khanh. To some point his logic made me almost believe him, but during the night I came to the conclusion that I know Eason and trust him, since I know he can bu trusted. So even if he lied to me, he had a good reason and I will accept it. I did something that pissed him off, with or without his friend changing his mind, but I did something non rationally, so I don't mind his reaction. In fact, I wouldn't mind his reaction about anything, just like I wouldn't do for anyone. (yeah, moral nihilism) And I think Eason is like this too, but it's hard when your friend is living with you and always around you. So I guess I understand why he had to lie to me, or whatever he wasn't honest with. Just because of his friend. And maybe mine too.
We went in the gay village to sit down somewhere and talk, and I still felt awkward. I mean, I didn't want to do anything since I didn't want to upset Eason. Anyway, when we sat down and he went to order something for us, it took me a while to realize that he was standing there all alone. So I stood up and went to see him, but two friends showed up, and so I decided, since he wasn't alone anymore, to go back and sit down. That was stupid since I haven't been introduced to them, but anyway, I stood up again to go meet them, and we got our drinks, and the friends were gone, and we sat, me next to Eason since I wanted it that way (and had to ask Justin to change place).
So that's when I put my arm behind Eason. I guess I should have done it before, but I felt awkward, I had to have all the courage that Khanh gave me (probably out of some kind of jealousy, but anyway...) I thought he didn't feel right about it, but he did I think. (I had to ask him to be sure) Then at some point he touch my leg, and after a while he went closer to my body, and I hold him with my two arms. Anyway, I kind of asked him to kiss me lol But we did kiss a little bit, though I don't think he was really comfortable to kiss in front of Justin and Khanh. Anyway...
And finally we went to the subway station. Justin wanted to take a picture with my camera, but he seemed not to understand how it worked (I said don't touch anything but he did lol). We were asked to kiss by Justin, but Eason didn't want to, so we didn't. (I still have that moment on tape! lol) And so we said goodbyes and we left.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
7/2 Eason Part 2
Sometimes I wonder if having the real first names of people make it easy to find on a google search for example. But I've tried some for Eason and didn't find anything, so I guess I can keep using his name and not a pseudonym.
I should probably divide what happened yesterday into different parts. Or maybe not. Anyway, let's just start and see how it goes.
Khanh wasn't able to sleep on Thursday night, so at 1am we decided "why not going now and sleep on the road?" It was a crazy idea, but I was too excited to sleep anyway, so we decided to give it a try! :) so we drove at 2am, made a few pauses on the road, and I couldn't sleep but he did some 30 minutes naps... So we were both pretty tired, but we finally arrived in Toronto around 9am, and we went for Dim Sum there.
After that, I called Eason. He didn't answer, but I sent him a text asking to tell me when he'll be up. Some 20 minutes later he texted me, so I called him, telling him that he had a big surprise and that it was me in Toronto. He was really happy to hear it. And then he started being not so happy, when he asked me where I would stay and stuff. So he asked me if he could call me back to think about it.
10 minutes later he called, and he said he'd be glad to find a way to see me during the day, but that he couldn't let me stay at his place because of Justin and another friend from Amsterdam or something staying at his place and so too many people tonight and so can't spend time with him. Anyway, he was going to eat with friends, and then he said he would try to see me during the afternoon.
So me and Khanh went downtown and visited the city. From 10:30 to 2:30. Until I finally decided to ask him when we were gonna meet. And he said he'd be free around 4. So we went to eat something since I was hungry, and around 4, like promised, Eason texted me that he was finally free, and so we could meet in Eaton centre. So we went, and so we met.
Well I was pretty down before that. You know, being tired and everything. But, obviously, having Khanh saying a lot of stuff with my stress and culpability, it made a big mess. While I was trying to understand Eason and give him reason, Khanh was doing the opposite, always trying to see that he's a bad guy... And so that all the "mysteries" about who that special guy is, why Eason can't give some time for someone he's supposed to love, and prefers doing something else, can't tell his friends, etc. etc. So we went through numerous scenarios according to what we heard. That is something I hate to do, but I have to say that I didn't have any choice since I was missing some info here. And yes, Eason has always been honest to me, but this time it sounded like he was trying to hide something from me. Weird...
But the truth was that something was not making sense. And so since I am always completely honest with everyone, then he probably wasn't with me. Maybe he had reasons not to be, and maybe he didn't really like me as I thought he did. But anyway, I'll have to figure that out by myself in the future, or not.
I'll write the next part later.
I should probably divide what happened yesterday into different parts. Or maybe not. Anyway, let's just start and see how it goes.
Khanh wasn't able to sleep on Thursday night, so at 1am we decided "why not going now and sleep on the road?" It was a crazy idea, but I was too excited to sleep anyway, so we decided to give it a try! :) so we drove at 2am, made a few pauses on the road, and I couldn't sleep but he did some 30 minutes naps... So we were both pretty tired, but we finally arrived in Toronto around 9am, and we went for Dim Sum there.
After that, I called Eason. He didn't answer, but I sent him a text asking to tell me when he'll be up. Some 20 minutes later he texted me, so I called him, telling him that he had a big surprise and that it was me in Toronto. He was really happy to hear it. And then he started being not so happy, when he asked me where I would stay and stuff. So he asked me if he could call me back to think about it.
10 minutes later he called, and he said he'd be glad to find a way to see me during the day, but that he couldn't let me stay at his place because of Justin and another friend from Amsterdam or something staying at his place and so too many people tonight and so can't spend time with him. Anyway, he was going to eat with friends, and then he said he would try to see me during the afternoon.
So me and Khanh went downtown and visited the city. From 10:30 to 2:30. Until I finally decided to ask him when we were gonna meet. And he said he'd be free around 4. So we went to eat something since I was hungry, and around 4, like promised, Eason texted me that he was finally free, and so we could meet in Eaton centre. So we went, and so we met.
Well I was pretty down before that. You know, being tired and everything. But, obviously, having Khanh saying a lot of stuff with my stress and culpability, it made a big mess. While I was trying to understand Eason and give him reason, Khanh was doing the opposite, always trying to see that he's a bad guy... And so that all the "mysteries" about who that special guy is, why Eason can't give some time for someone he's supposed to love, and prefers doing something else, can't tell his friends, etc. etc. So we went through numerous scenarios according to what we heard. That is something I hate to do, but I have to say that I didn't have any choice since I was missing some info here. And yes, Eason has always been honest to me, but this time it sounded like he was trying to hide something from me. Weird...
But the truth was that something was not making sense. And so since I am always completely honest with everyone, then he probably wasn't with me. Maybe he had reasons not to be, and maybe he didn't really like me as I thought he did. But anyway, I'll have to figure that out by myself in the future, or not.
I'll write the next part later.
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