So I went into a "fight" with my roommate. In short, he was pissed off I was so evasive in my answers about myself. And no matter I try to explain that I am not a definite person like most people seem to be, he doesn't want to keep a friendship because for him I am not honest.
So, I realized that my best friends are those who do not know me, and do not want to know me. Or, they could be people who know me but accept the fact that one can change (and I don't think I really have any of these right now).
So, I'll name people on my "secret" facebook and see what I mean by that.
Christina: She is an egocentric person. By that, I mean that she likes talking about herself. And she knows it well. And that's what I like about her. When I talk with her, it's not about me, it's not about us, it's about her. And I like to listen to her. And that's it. She looks at who I am, she observes from a distance, but she doesn't ask any question, she doesn't tell me anything about me. I love that.
Keum-Yeo: She probably doesn't give a damn about me. And for a good reason, I'm no one in this world. I do the same thing with people, I treat them like they should be treated. So her lack of interest for me is what makes me think of her as a friend, since we can talk about other stuff than me, or us.
Sergei: When I want to say something to him, I go and tell him. When I don't want to, he's not gonna ask. We can spend months and months not talking to each other, and we don't mind. We're not gonna ask personal stuff if we don't want to talk about it. So for me he's a friend who I can talk to when I feel like it, and he does the same thing. We might not talk too much, but we don't care, we don't need it. All we need is be friends. Nothing else in return.
Guillaume: That's a tricky one. I guess he's like Sergei, he leaves me alone and is here when I need him, but at the same time he also understands that I'm not stable, and that I change all the time. So that's cool.
Eason: I realized after thinking about all of this that he doesn't really ask me about anything. He does some times, but most of the time what we do is have fun. Have fun. Be friends. No need to go into the details. No need to ask personal questions. Or maybe sometimes, like anyone would, but with a "oh ok" answer of "disinterest". I don't think it's disinterest, but it's more "who cares who you are and what you think, what's important is that we have fun together."
Is that my definition of open-minded? Probably close to it. Maybe "fun" should be replaced by another word... That's what I feel with my best friends, and with Eason even more. And so that is why I like them. And why I always feel so good with Eason, someone I have fun with, but who doesn't want to know me.
Maybe I became like this because I have to remember what I say to everyone, but when I don't say anything I can feel at ease? Maybe it's because I never could choose my friends, and had to do with whoever was there with me. Or something else, I can't think properly right now.
But anyway, I don't get along people who try to know me. I get along with people who don't. So this blog is quite stupid in the end. I've been looking for the wrong person. I've been looking for someone who would be able to understand me, to know me truly, yet what I was really looking for is someone who doesn't know me and doesn't want to. So someone who probably wouldn't read this blog. Someone who wouldn't be interested by it. Like those friends who have access to it, but who don't read it.
Why? I don't know. But at least now I know I shouldn't hang around with people who want to know me. It might sounds stupid, but we will just hurt each other. So we might as well just give it up. And for the next people I will meet in my life, I will do like that friend Kenny last summer told me: "oh we're just here to have fun, who cares about truth or lies?"
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