12/31 Moving

Uh... many things... let's start in chronological order...

Two days ago, I went to this Doan guy. It was the first guy I topped and I always thought I actually liked being top with this guy, so I was horny and wanted to top, so there he was (because he's not that popular I guess, an easy target...) So I went to his place, brought some beer. We had sex, it started to smell, but oh well, I was ok with it I guess. I was not so hard (well it was ok) and he was so tiny and soft lol Anyway, I didn't really enjoyed it at all. Mostly because he doesn't speak either French or English. And his apartment is in decomposition, so it doesn't give me a good idea of him. Anyway, when we're done with sex, I get this overly-affectionate but not talking 26yo lonely guy... great! The two first times I met him I was pretty lonely too, so I would cuddle him all the time. But now that I've met guys that are better than him, I didn't really want to give him any affection... anyway, sorry... I guess you should learn English or French and start making more friends before finding someone here who will want to love you...

Then yesterday, I texted Andy. We were supposed to do something this week, before school and work start back, but he's always away in Laval with his parents or, like yesterday, working... well I guess it's great, and I probably just have too much spare time so I'm in need of him more than he is. But he doesn't answer all of his texts (which is fine, he's probably busy or something... I don't care) It's just that I want to spend time with him someday and he's always busy with something... I should ask him to be my personal designer, as my clothing is sort of shitty (I mean, I don't really have any artistic sense or anything). And I kind of like his style, or at least what I've seen from his pics. But how do you ask someone to take care of your clothes? lol Hey Andy, you want to help me out buy new clothes? Or Hey Andy, you want to choose some clothes for me because I think I suck with clothes and you don't? Or something like that... anyway, I guess I'll just wait for school to start and I'll see how it goes. He does reply to most my texts, so I guess he's still interested in seeing me (at least as a friend, but that's what I'm looking for in the end), so it should work out some way or another. Let's fucking wait!!!!

So last night was my last night in my old apartment where I lived two years and a half. It was kinda shitty so I'm glad I'm moving with my best friend! :) So, yesterday, like a stupid stupid stupid jerk, I decided... wait, first, I found out on manhunt and gay411 that my roommate was gay. He looked at my profile like 4 times and maybe more. I'm sure it was him, pictures don't lie. Anyway, we never really talked, and I was never really attracted to him. But when I said that to my friend Stephen, he told me I should try out (I'm a slut you know?) And since last night was my last night there, I thought why not? I had nothing to lose and even if it didn't work out, I was gonna leave anyway. So I went downstairs at 1am, knocked and entered his room.  I was fucking stressed out and everything. He asked me how I got in, but hey, his door was opened. Anyway, I thought he knew who I was but he confused me with someone else. I told him I was leaving the next day, so that it was my last night here (lol) but then he asked me where I was moving. Anyway, I asked him if I could sit down on his bed, and he let me some space. To which I understood he would agree to have sex or something (well, he looked at my profile multiple times and he is on two of these gay hookup websites, so....) Anyway, when I started touching him, he realized who I really was... "Oh, that Francis" lol anyway, so I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said "uh, yes please". And so I left.

Rejected...

But fucking feeling bad about myself. Think about it. What the fuck did I just do? Anyway, I guess I shouldn't be feeling that bad about it, but I did enter in his room and wanted to have sex with him, without asking him first. I was like raping him! lol Anyway, it felt really weird afterwards, and I couldn't sleep at all. I was really stressed and everything, and the only way I could sleep was to think about something worst, like me killing myself or something. Anyway, I survived, he's still my friend on facebook (wonder if I should remove him or not, but whatever, I'll let him decide...) So in the end, I should think about other stuff, but it really did annoy me and stressed me the fuck out...

Tonight, I should go out with Fan to Unity for the New Year's Eve. I guess it'll be pretty much fun, since I really enjoy spending time with Fanny :) So I should get some sleep, stop being in a bad mood, and enjoy spending time with my boyfriend! lol

Anyway, talk to you later~~

12/29 私はこれから死のうと思います。I'm heading off to die now.

私はこれから死のうと思います。ただ、私一人が死んでも、おそらく世界は死にきれず、断末魔の苦しみを続けることでしょう。

そこで私は、もう一人、誰かと一緒に死へと戻ろうと思うのです。

 私は捨て石になります。まず、私が先陣を切ります。もし私の願いを自分の願いと感じて後に続いてくれる人たちが大勢現れれば、この世は真のありのままの姿を取り戻せるでしょう。ニセの生は消え、リアルで自然で本物の、死者たちの世界に帰れるでしょう。

 -星野智幸

 I'm heading off to die now. But my death alone won't stop the world from dying and writhing in agony.

I need someone else, another person with whom I can return to death.

I will lead the vanguard and sacrifice myself. If enough of you identify with my dream, we can really bring this world back to what it is truly meant to be. We can extinguish the phony world and return to the real, natural, and authentic world of the dead.

 - Tomoyuki Hoshino

Sometimes I feel like I'm just weak not to be able to kill myself. It's not that I don't like this world, it's just that I think this world is just a big pile of shit. If every wrong soul would kill themselves, then the world would be a clean and nice place to live. I can't seem to find my place in this world. I can't seem to find anyone else like me, or not even just someone who put a name on it before on that state of mind I have. What is it exactly? I'm not nihilist. I do think we have to think over starting from scratch on every single things in this world, and so we need to go against every single norm, but it's not what defines me. I just believe a world without lies would be a world where people would enjoy being with themselves, would enjoy living together, etc. A world where norms, values, ideals, thoughts, opinions, etc. do not exist would make it better for everyone, would stop discrimination, racism, sexism, and wars. But even if everyone out there are looking for that peaceful world, no one is actually making it. Everyone lies, everyone believes in norms and values and ideals and thoughts and opinions and all that stuff. Everyone believes. And that's why this world is wrong in the first place. As soon as you believe in something, love, friendship or sex for example, you make yourself a rotten human being, one that needs to kill himself in order to let the good people live.

Yeah, I googled "Andy Long Hoang" and found out that this guy is more than just a guy... anyway, it might just be what they all do in fashion industry, but you know... I had a crush on this chinese guy, and he was he fact a hoax, so I don't think I want to like a model anymore... they suck, they're shit and blablabla... but Andy was a great guy... I should give him another chance, but I should forget about making him a boyfriend or whatever I wanted him to be in my life... My life's just hell anyway, and it's never gonna be good. I just can't live like this with everyone else. They're not like me at all. And seriously, I don't think anyone will ever think a little bit similarly to me. No. Everyone is the same. Everyone is shit. Everyone is dirty. Everyone should die. Someday I'll just kill everyone and leave the good ones. I mean, I'll leave those who are not that bad. Because there's just no good people at all. This world sucks.

Seriously, I'm thinking about killing myself right now. I might be drunk, but nothing good ever happened in my life. Seriously. All these "good" memories I have are just fake. What do I mean by fake? It's that they don't last, they're lost and will never happen again. I know a lot of people are stupid and can live with someone and love that person and be happy forever after. But no matter how I try, I'm different and can't do that. I did try. But now, I just can't be happy. I need to be sad, I need to hate this world, I need to feel like I don't belong here.

So what do I do in order to make me feel better? I have sex and I drink. These two things make me happy. Or at least I think so. I have to move tomorrow but I only think about killing myself. I'm glad I have no idea how to do that. So in the end I'm just gonna keep on living. But you know, it's fucking hard to keep on living in this world. FUCKING HARD. I don't think I want to do it anymore. So I'm drinking thinking that it's gonna kill me... but I know it won't. I might get to puke, but that's all. Then after puking  I'll go sleep and everyone will be happy. Wait, who actually cares if I die? Seriously, don't tell me you like me or anything. Have you read my other posts? You clearly don't like me at all. No one can. I throw shit at people because I don't like them. So how can they like me in return?

Andy... :( You were my last chance. You were the only good thing happening in my life. And look at you now. Look at how you're impossible to reach. I know you're not interested in me. You want to be nice and polite, but you just don't give a damn about me. Who would do so anyway. I'm not the kind of guy people like. I'm these people who can't get along with other people. So please hate me. Please never talk to me. Please leave me alone. Please fucking live your life instead of thinking about me. Is that the message I want to show through my suicide? Maybe. Maybe I want to tell people that they're the worst kind of people ever and that they have a serious problem to solve if they want to live in a nice world. A nice world is a world with nice people. And seriously, there's none of these right now. Except me, but I'm gonna go kill myself. Yeah, I'm leaving all the shit you are behind, and I'm getting rid of the only thing that was clean. Good luck with making this world a better place. But it's impossible you know. because you're still alive and people like you make this world a mess. Please die, ok? Can you do it for me? Can you do it for all these nice people who wanted a nice world to live in?

12/28 People Around Me

But he was such an asshole! He was just teasing me! Trying to make me want to have sex but not giving it to me. He told me he wanted a closed relationship and he reacted to me being bi, so in the end all he wanted with me was a relationship. But he's not gonna have it... so all of this was for nothing? I didn't even touch his penis (or maybe I did, just a little bit). Well good luck finding your prince charming, but it's not me. Next time you hookup with someone else, at least have sex, it's not gonna hurt.

And just now me and Daishi decided it would be best to stop talking to each other, for a month or something. It's gonna be hard but it's hurting him a lot, so I guess we don't have much choice. He just started his new job today (yesterday was a snowstorm) so I hope everything goes well with him! :)

And I might see Andy back on Thursday! :) Kind of a date!

And I spent the whole day with Fan, we went to see two movies (Tron and The Tourist). It was a lot of fun, and we ended it in my bed :) I miss him sleeping with me in my bed, but I guess almost anyone could do the same. At least anyone I like...

Jaa, mata ne!

12/28 Searching for Nothing

So I "hooked up" last night with this Jeff Tian Bai, and so now I'm back to my stupid state of trying to find love through sex. And just to have love from this guy I was about to stop hooking up. But we didn't even have sex. And I actually don't think I ever will since he doesn't want hook ups in a relationship. Anyway, FUCK YOU.

But still I'm looking for something I don't even know what it is, I'm still deliberately hurting myself over this so that I find anything. Just give me anything but give me something now! I've been in shit for some time now, can I have something good happening in my life? :(

12/27 Tadaima!

So I survived. Alcohol helped much. Now I stink, didn't take any shower, I'm tired, didn't sleep much, and I so fucking don't think the same as before...

I'm not really in need of  sex now. Instead, I'd rather continue learning Korean. I also have Japanese homeworks to do, some readings, and most important of all, I need to apply for grad school, so I need to continue my portfolio AND do the best application ever. And I need to prepare to move AND move. All of this in the next week. So maybe I should slow down on sex and put more emphasis on my life. Which would result in me studying and working instead of playing and enjoying life. So the guy I didn't want to be anymore would resurface. For this one week but for the following ones as I will start school right after that. And I could be thinking "oh, school will be back, so I should stop having fun and study so that school take all my time so I shouldn't do anything else and blablabla" And I fucking don't want that at all.

Now I just realized that I didn't touch my penis for... the past four days... I guess I want to wait and have sex with it instead of jerking off... let's text Andy and see if he's busy or not... apart from him and Fan, there's not much people I want to have sex... they all disgust me... maybe I just need a shower! lol

I talked to Daishi yesterday. I opened my presents and it was really nice and fun. And then, as usual, near the end he started talked about us and being all sad and everything... and I was so fucking tired. So because there is nothing to say, I just went to bed. I'm tired of this, he always goes on talking about our break up and blablabla. It'd be so much better if he could just be friend with me and nothing else. But no, we have to fight, and blablabla... It's getting really tiring all of this.

So yeah, I'm tired and I have some tiring things to do this week. It sucks, I want a break, or a longer one, but I can't... :( I should probably not apply for next year but apply for an exchange in Japan or something instead. Or get some money and travel. Or get some money and go back to undergrad school. Or apply for grad school in East Asian Studies. Or something, I don't know.

Oh, finally got a reply from Andy... he's going to Laval tomorrow, already... anyway... it's not like he is the only fuck friends I have feelings for, right? There are two of them! lol But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any of them I guess. Though if Andy asked me or if it felt that way, I should probably do it. But let's wait and see, I need to be 30yo to finally have what I'm looking for... yay!

Have a nice day~~

12/24 Quebec city

I don't fucking want to go back. I hate people there, I don't want to be stuck in a remote village out of nowhere, with a "family which is more important than anything else". I was thinking about going there high so that I wouldn't feel stressed out or anything, but... there're gonna judge and that's gonna be shittier...

So I have to look happy, I have to live in a lie for some days... argh, this will be fucking difficult... :/ anyway, it's too late now, let's just do it and die, let's just go kill myself right now instead of waiting and stressing about whether I'm going or not. It's not like staying here will be better anyway. No, wait, it WILL be better...

I'm just gonna text all my friends to wish them a merry christmas, that's gonna make me feel better I guess... anyway, it's gonna cost me less than if I send them in quebec city, because I'm going in the end, right? @_@

Anyway, Merry Fucking Christmas!

12/23 Depression

Sometimes I feel like I'm just depressed. I came back from work and I was crying, just before having a hookup with a guy I knew. I went to see friends I love so much and was thinking about how I hate people in general. And then I'm all alone thinking how I'll have to remain like this because I just can't seem to be able to live with other people. And now just thinking about all my shitty life, it makes me want to cry.

Fan is a funny guy. But he's always lying. Alex is an awesome and smart girl. But she tells lies. Young is a talkative guy. But he thinks he is someone else. Stephen is an adorable man. But I overdid it. Daishi is a relaxed and open-minded guy. But I can't give him back what he needs. Andy is smart, nice and everything else perfect. But he doesn't have time. And everyone else ends up being not "good enough for me" or something...

And I'm getting tired of hooking up... Not that I dislike it. I've just found not so much interest in it anymore. The ones I want sex with are not available, and I don't feel like I have energy anymore to have sex with those I don't really want to. I'd rather just spend an evening studying Korean instead of sleeping with a stupid guy in my bed...  Maybe my three days back in Quebec city will make me feel better. But I don't fucking want to go back to that shitty place, with all my family "when are you coming back? let's play AoE II together!! Are you her yet?" My dad was even told by someone I don't know at all that I would arrive today (wtf, I'm leaving tomorrow) and that I would be sleeping at her place. Who the fuck said that? Anyway, it might have been a misunderstanding, but it just doesn't make any sense at all... anyway, it pisses me off that everyone wants me back when I don't want to. 僕帰らなくて、それと同時に家族がいつもいつ帰ると聞いてる。。。だまれよ、くそ！＞＿＜

Anyway, to some extent I don't really mind if I don't feel good about myself, if I don't like anyone, if people don't give a shit about me. I have been much more focused on finding ways to bring world peace rather than making myself happy, so in the end if I have to have a shitty life, then that's ok with me.

12/21 Party

So I'm going to my friend's farewell party, and I wanted to invite Fan, but he doesn't want to, for whatever stupid reason, so I was like "ok, no problem, I don't really care". So then I saw Andy online on facebook, so I was like "oh, let's ask him!" I made it out of a joke because I know he's always busy and never has time, and... he said nothing but just got disconnected... BITCH!!! FUCKING BITCH!!

Yeah, I guess I just lost him too. I've lost a lot of people I was trying to make friends lately... Andy, Stephen, Daishi, but why not also the Asian-trio who don't answer me, or whoever... I'm like this lost cat that nobody wants because I bite. But I'm not gonna stop bitting and I'm still looking for someone who'll bite like me! :D

Oh, Andy just replied to my message... obviously he is too busy tonight, as always... but oh well, I guess it might be true...

Ah... He's going to his parents' place (in Laval) for Christmas, and comes back Sunday. So until then he's kind of busy. But... he said he wanted to come with me in Quebec city, but he had to be a good boy for three days for his parents. It actually seems so real. Maybe he was not telling lies. Maybe this is all true.

Anyway, I feel like he probably wasn't ignoring me for no reason. Maybe he does like me a little bit :) Let's see after Christmas! :)

Ok, gotta go to my party~~

12/21 Norms

Yay! Yesterday evening I did another stupid thing! yatta! I went and asked Stephen if I could "sleep" with him, with no sex. Obviously he said no, that's not something he does with friends. Well i went on to ask him this following my thoughts of yesterday, but also because we had a discussion some days before in which he seemed to really like the idea of me being there to hug him and everything. so wtf has changed? lol anyway, I guess that's just part of it. Every time I try to get close to someone I get too close, and it doesn't work out, and so it makes shit... yeah...

But oh well, that's just it, I don't care that much I guess. I'm just pissed off of everyone else. I mean, I just want to be myself, act as I want. I know this isn't good according to everyone else's standards, but if someone was acting like this with me, I'd try to talk to that person even more, try to get to understand why that person acted in a way that I didn't like, etc. I mean, seriously that's what I do. I guess I like weird people, but don't like normal people. And I guess that's because I don't like normality. Like Wikipedia says, social norms are "the rules that a group uses for appropriate and inappropriate values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. These rules may be explicit or implicit. Failure to follow the rules can result in severe punishments, including exclusion from the group."

And yes, I am one of these who can't follow social norms, not at all. Even if you tell me you're gonna break up on me, and even if I love you, I'm not gonna choose to follow your norms, and you can go to hell with your stupid rules. And actually, no matter how much you will tell me that I'm wrong and you're right, I will not listen at all. gomen. But anyway, it's not like you care, you're just gonna start despising me, you're gonna get farer from me, and that's pretty much it. Good for you!

Is there anyone out there like me? Is there anyone as much fucked up as I am? Obviously no, since I am "unique" mwahahaha... But seriously it's stupid. I hate society for making rules and everything. I hate having to follow these rules. And I have no choice actually... I know most of them are "for the good of everyone", but what is good and what is not? that's pretty different from everyone. The pedophile might be much happier to rape the little girl than the girl is sad about being raped. So if it's giving more positivity than negativity, then why would we prosecute the old jiji? because we have laws and we need to respect them? lol because if we allowed him to do it then everyone would do it and then in the end it would make a lot of little girls crying? hahaha, who said it was not a good experience for a girl to be raped? well, no ones like to be raped, of course! Well, am I someone? Come and rape me, I'd LOVE it! No matter if you gave me all your STDs, I'd be soooo happy to experience a rape. Seriously. But that's not gonna happen because as soon as the raper is gonna come and want to have sex with me, I'll be "oh yeah! go for it!" and this won't be a rape since I'll consent to it... So maybe rapees are just about people who don't know anything about sex and who feel bad afterwards because it is different from what society told them. Yeah, did you get that? Have you finally started thinking a bit more than what people just throw at you?

No, of course you don't. My blog's not gonna change you because you feel like all I'm saying is bullshit. Well, at least I hope you think I'm making sense. As to believe me or not, that's not my goal, I just want to make you understand that the world isn't what everyone thinks it is. It's not because Obama says something that it is the truth. So stop trusting society, stop trusting anyone for that matter, and find the truth about things by yourself, with careful, logical and rational. Have a nice day~

12/20 Andyyyyy

I was looking at Andy's pics on facebook and... I just have no choice...

what? I am actually thinking of being in a relationship with him? Well actually I think so. I think I'd be ready for anything just to be in a relationship with him. And that's oh so fucking stupid!!! Am I like in LOVE? wtf, I can't be in love when 1) I don't really know the guy, 2) I'm a whore who wants open-crazy-sorta-friend/relation/roommate-ship, and 3) from the pics I see I am fucking too different from him, I have a different life, etc. And I should add a lot more to these, but anyway...

I need to stay single. I need to stay single. I need to stay single. I need to. I don't have another choice.

But why do I love him soooo much? Why do I miss him so much that I'm not even having that much fun with other guys. I mean, the sex was absolutely amazing with him, and he was a sweetheart and smart guy, but... but what else? what else do I need in a relationship? Oh, I need to have the same love back in return...

Oh god I'm crying now... I just want to be loved... nobody loves me... I just want someone to care for me, to hug me while I sleep. So why did I break up with Daishi? What's my fucking problem? Whenever I have what I want, I decide I want something else. Or let me rephrase it, like Carlos told me today: I want everything. I want a cute little boyfriend who will be there for me all the time, yet I want to be able to have sex with anyone else...

Oh wait, that's not so true. I don't want a cute boyfriend. I don't need him or her to be cute. I don't really care. And that person doesn't need to be nice with me. And I don't need to have sex with that person. Or maybe I do. But I want something stable in my life. I want to live with someone I like (and I can like pretty much anyone) and sleep with that person every night. Yes, the only thing I'm looking for is someone to be in my bed.

I changed my age on most of my profiles (including facebook), so that I look older now. I'm officially 25 now! lol Why? because that way maybe people will start to take me serious. under 25, little boys want these princess/prince relationships, and that's not what I want from them. I really want something serious and open. So I guess I need to wait... I guess I need to wait years and years before having this guy in my bed... Andy or Daishi or anyone for that matter...

Can anyone just love me for the person I am, and not for having sex with me and only me?

If there is such a person, then I'm taking him/her! Now! I don't need to know the details. So I'll be left alone until like 10 years... oh god this is boring... I'll be old and unattractive... :( anyway... I just want someone to sleep with me in my bed, someone I can cuddle. Thank you.

12/20 Thoughts on Relationships

So this afternoon I had a hookup with this Carlos. He was bigger than what I thought, and he was hairy! lol I wasn't excepting that. But anyway, he told me "how to kiss", though people before him always told me I was a good kisser... But I guess I needed some improvements! :) Anyway, we had 20 minutes sex and then we talk for 45 minutes? or something like that, but we talked a lot.

For him, being in a monogamous relationship is good because it protects you from STDs. Then it's about showing to the other person that s/he is special. Open relationships are no good because they create rivalry between the two partners and etc. But it made me think a bit more. Maybe what I'm looking for isn't really an open relationship.

Sometimes I think that what I want is only a friend. A friend who will be living with me, spending a lot of time with me, etc. A friend I can love. But wait, that wouldn't be a friend anymore. Even if I don't have sex with that friend, it doesn't really matter to me, as long as I can love that person. But everyone out there think that a lover is someone you have sex with, and most people will think that a lover is the only person you should have sex with. Doesn't it show how stupid fucking values have been inserted into everyone's little brain in this crazy society?

So, as I always say, sex and love are two different things, and you don't need to have them together. But it's kinda hard to tell that to a society that has been making monogamous relationships its center. Cheating has this so bad connotation with it, not because it is bad, but because most people want to believe in Disney ugly movies.  Wake up people, start looking at what's all around you and think by yourself, you'll find out that things aren't necessarily how you see them.

Good luck!

12/20 I am in Luv

So like you know I was in a bad mood earlier (today is still yesterday since it's only 12:04am!!!) but... I've got a chance to talk to Mr. Andy! :D He asked me how I found him out on facebook (thanks to his tattoo!! lol) and then we talked a bit about David in my class, and that's pretty much it, he had to go sleep... because he probably had to wake up at 5:45 like usual... oh god, wonder how he does that...

But yeah, just talking to him, sono dokidoki no kanji, boku no tame ni kaiteiru... :3 lol je crois etre en amuuuur! :P jk, I'm definitely not in love, but he's probably the nicest guy out there :) No seriously, every time I talk to him i get this really awesome feeling, and yet I don't know anything about him, but he's a party junky and all that stuff. not that it scares me, it probably makes me even more attracted! lol especially because whenever I'm with him he doesn't feel like that at all. Just yesterday (well, two days ago...) he told me not to come at his party because his friends were... pretty weird! lol was he protecting me? or uso datta kamo ne... un, uso no hou ga ii to omou kedo, shinjirou! haha, rabu wo shinjirou!!!

Yup that's it, I'm gonna have to see how it goes! Tomorrow I should go to Carlos' place (a latino for a change! :) ), Tuesday i have a party with Pinky~~ :D And then Wednesday during the day Fan should come here since he'll be done with his exams :) And then I work until midnight! And it's Christmas soon! :) I'll be going on Friday morning probably to quebec city, and then should come back here two days later, the 26, because my sister wants me to see Harry Potter there :P

Ok, have a good night~

12/19 "Get the fuck out of my life"

So many things to talk about today... let's start in... some kind of chronological order?

So after talking a lot to a depressed ex-boyfriend, he sent me a last message text: "Friend huh... Forget it. We should never talk to each other ever again. Get the fuck out of my life" Great, just awesome. Thank you. But you know, I still love you. Anyway...

When I think about it, it's probably the same feeling everyone has towards me when they get to know me. At first, I look like a creeper, then people realize I'm a nice guy. But after a while, the relationship I create with people becomes such a mess that they decide not to talk to me again. I don't stop people from doing that. I think it's childish and everything, but they are right. I'm some kind of crazy shit who doesn't belong in anyone's life. Hence I'm always alone and can't seem to make good friends. I'm just not a friendly person I guess.

So it's another friend I just lost. If you count number of friends on facebook who removed me, I only lost two, but in reality this number is much greater. Some of my facebook friends hate me, like you can see, but most of them won't say it that openly. But anyway, I always try to be nice with everyone, but some people ask for so much, I can't do that. I mean, I was asked by that guy to... stop hooking up? lol sort of... it's my hooking up thing that made him feel uncomfortable and always saying that "we are too different and should stop being friends". wtf is wrong with being different, with having different opinions on different things? I think everyone can be friend if they want to. But not by changing yourself for the other person and sacrificing all your time. Or I guess in the end I'm just not a nice guy...

And then I had this hookup tonight... it all started well, it was hurting a bit when he put his long dick in my ass, but then it was great. Until all of a sudden he puts he out and starts being all kinda scared. I was like "oh, so you came?" and he answered he did, so I was like oh ok, let's clean and I'll have my turn. Then he put clothes on and wanted to clean in the bathroom, but quickly put his coat on and escaped from the apartment. I was like "what the fuck? he probably didn't like it, it's fine, goodbye!" And then I decided to verify........ the  condom was full of shit... oh god, now I understand why he left that quickly.

And then after some thinking, I didn't clean my ass before. I usually do something really quickly (i.e. fingering with some "soap") and don't care that much. I mean, there's always gonna be some shit in there, so it's stupid to want to clean everything. And I was in a hurry so I forgot. But his cock was long, much longer than my fingers, so how was I supposed to get there with my fingers? Should I go buy some kind of "toy" that's gonna clean it out? Or maybe I should just stop bottoming... but that wouldn't be cool :P or maybe just not forget to clean it! :)

And then yesterday I had flip-flop sex with a cute guy :) It was a lot of fun, he wasn't really a good kisser, but had a nice body (small but with muscles) and he really liked me. So we did both top and bottom, and that's actually the first time I did both with a single guy! and in a single night! lol So it was great and I really liked it, but... I have to come back to Andy. Yeah, Andy, again.

I liked it so much better with Andy. I had with Andy sex that made me feel so extreme that I don't think I could have better sex from now on. I know this sounds really stupid, but I think it's so much true. I really miss Andy. And not just because of sex, but him too. He had a really nice personality, has a great little guy inside that he's trying to hide in some ways but let me see it when I was with him :) Why am I in sort of love with someone I only had sex with? I mean, sex was AWESOME. Why is that? How come can sex be that good? I think it's more than just physically... so what did I like so much in him? I don't really get it yet... it's weird... but I miss him so much, and he's always too busy, or making excuses... I think he does like me, not sure, but I guess so. So why is he never available? Should I keep on asking all the time or just wait for him? wo bu zhidao...

Pwet pwet, I think that's pretty much it... I feel so bad that I don't think I'll be able to sleep, but drinking a little bit of vodka helps. Urgh, it's so shitty to drink alone, but... I guess I don't have many drinking friends who live close by... Or maybe I just don;t have any good friend... yeah, so cool! my life's awesome...

Well then, have fun!

12/17 Getting to know people

It takes me a really short time to know a lot about people. One picture and I know the person's behavior, 5 minutes of talking and I know the person's childhood, and after a month or so there's nothing more for me to learn, except details (that might be interesting, but which don't define the person that much).

So for example I just added "asiantwinkboi" on my faceboook  (recommendation of a friend). And looking at his pics, I know what kind of guy he is... not really my type actually... but oh well, I'm a whore, so I might just ask him to sleep with me anyway. I don't really have a similar body, but I might be persuasive enough :) but I guess he's a whore too, so that should work out! lol

But even if I find out that some person is an asshole in some minutes, I am still interested in them. I mean, I think it's interesting to be an asshole, it's different from me and I want to learn from that person. Not that I want to become like them, but I just like what's different :) So even if I "judge" people really quickly, I still like them no matter what I think of them. So everyone can be my friend if they want, because I accept everyone :)

lol, that was some positive post! I should try to write about something more pessimistic next time! until then, take care~~

12/16 Sexually Attracted to Asians

I'm sexually attracted to asian people. Ok, that's cool, but not when it's mostly the only people you like...

I want to hook up? Well, I'll find an asian guy... I look at a white guy, no particular emotion. I look at an asian guy, I feel excited. Why?

So let's try to find out everything I had in relation with asian people since I was born. not many asians were at my school or around. I remember when I was 7yo my sister saying that I looked like a Chinese guy (maybe Bruce Lee?) to which I didn't want to associate. Then for me China was "at the other side of the world". But I don't think that's really what started it.

At 11yo, in 5th grade, I was friend with a Korean guy (probably South Korea since North wouldn't sell their kids...) I really liked him I think, not like a lover, but as a nice friend. Anyway, a friend like any I guess, I don't remember being that close, just playing together at school. But one day, we had to decide in which rooms we wanted to sleep for a school trip. Obviously, I didn't have much friends and no one really liked me... And he didn't want to include me. I was about to cry, being left alone and not being able to tell the teacher after he asked that I didn't have a room. This was probably one of the saddest moment of my life, seriously. And then all of a sudden he raised his hand and told the teacher to include me in his room. I was like "what? seriously?" and it took me some time to realize how grateful I was. That was the nicest guy I ever met in my life yet. Marc-Antoine, thank you!

So did my brain associated asian people (and "asian men" maybe) to nice people? maybe... I didn't really have anything relating asians afterwards, until a friend of my brother made him watch anime. And anime was cool, in, and awesome. So I thought right at the beginning that Japan was the best country in the world, that I wanted to live there, etc. So I guess I started looking on Internet about anime, and I saw pictures of Japanese people. Did I like them? Was I attracted? I'm not sure. I think I was impressed by their works, but I didn't really have any particular emotion or prejudice about them. I wasn't thinking that they were  white, had small noses, small eyes, etc. I was just "oh, so that's the woman behind Chopper's voice!"

And then I guess I started looking at more Japanese people, in videos, movies, dramas, etc. I really wanted to think they were handsome, because I really wanted to like everything about Japan. I wanted to be part of the "Japanese Wave", be a professional of anime, and of Japan, know more than my friends, etc. I wanted to be able to identify myself to something for the first time of my life. And I did. Anime was my life, Japan was my goal. So I forced myself to like Japanese people, Japanese culture, and I would defend them on every occasion.

At that time I didn't know I was gay, so I don't think I really was thinking about living in Japan with a Japanese boyfriend or anything. But when I did realize I was gay, I was looking for a boyfriend  (because that's what everyone does, right? jk) And in my mind, I was thinking about a Japanese boyfriend. It didn't happen, but anyway. I was like "next time it's gonna be a Japanese guy". And every next time I was looking for a boyfriend, it had to be someone asian, or with something asian in him. It just had, I couldn't do the same mistake as I did the first time. So now I was looking more for any Asian, and not necessarily Japanese. I was also more interested in Asia in general.

Then two years later I decided to change my major to East Asian Studies. I liked Asia and everything related to it, so why not study them? Then after that I decided my whole life would be related to Asia. I would have an asian boyfriend, I would live in Asia, I would learn every Asian language, etc.

And now what? I have difficulties to be sexually attracted to non-Asians. I guess I never really had any particular interest in any non-Asian country. But is it the same thing? I don't care if I like the country or not, I'm just looking at guys and girls and see that the only ones I'm really attracted to are mostly asians. And whenever I look at pictures of Asians, I feel so fucking sexually aroused. No matter if they're ugly (because I do want to believe they are good-looking). And so I've kept sleeping with asians, I rarely do others, and i feel sometimes bad about it, but some of my friends find it funny and encourage me to stay like this (i.e. they accept who I am and do with it) I don't really know what side is better, trying to change and like more different things, or being closed in my only-asian love... :/ But anyway, I guess I'm just myself... I don't really like being like this, but what can I change? It's a bit too late, and do I want to change it? I mean, asians are cute, why would I start not liking them anymore? :)

Like my professor said: "Asia has always been the center of the world."

12/15 Sex, Friends, Love

I don't like personal blogs, they're all about stuff that no one really reads... I mean, they're boring and no one really cares, except stalkers... so hello to you, if you're stalking me, and hopefully you'll have fun!

So what happened today? well, actually it was a really long day... started great, but I guess the fatigue made it fucking bitchy... So yesterday evening I hooked up with that guy on manhunnt, and the next morning I was soooo in a good mood from it...

me: well, I was on manhunt, we talked a bit before, but yesterday I was like "what are you doing? want me to entertain you?" (sort of...) He didn't have a face pic, but I was like who cares...
Step: OOOOH! mhunt name!
me: (his name on manhunt is "odorimasu") He was indeed cute :) so after like 1 minute we went in bed, and started right away instead of the usual blabla that some like...
he is skinny, but I didn't know I liked skinny guys that much! lol soft skin and everything, his kissing was not so good but ok...
haha, I mean, he doesn't have the greatest body, but he used it well :D
so... shirts off, pants off...
he actually has an average-size penis in terms of length, and kinda small as for the circumference (? lol what's a better term for that? :P )
and I was like "oh my god, I love it!!!"
haha, I hate people with big dicks :P
so we sucked a bit, continued, blablabla... I thought he was versa but he told me he was top. So anyway, I can be bottom! lol but he didn't have condoms... so I was like "wtf another guy who's lying and wants to do it bareback..." but in fact I think he really didn't have any, so we just didn't do anything anal.
And so slapsh splash, all over him... it was kinda quick, less than 20 minutes I think :P
Step: what? no anal?
me: and so... we went cleaning... and that was gonna be it... lol we talked a bit, I found out he was a really nice guy, so it was fun :)
and bam! we started kissing again!
another no-anal thing (I didn't cum but he did, I guess it was too fast for me :P)
So he was like "well what do you want to do?"
he sort of implied before that he'd like "sleeping" with me, so I just proposed him that. And then I said "well is there a drugstore or sometU7$3that we can buy condoms?"
so we went out, bought condoms...
and obviously the first thing we did after that was sex!! lol
and anal sex!!!
and because his dick is small, it didn't hurt (it always hurts a bit, so that's why I hate bottoming...) but it felt oh so great!!! :3
he kept like this for a long time, and then bang! cummed on me, and then I came too...
what's really great is that exactly what I like to do with a guy, that's what he liked to "be done", and vice-versa. Like the way we touch, the way one does more action that the other, etc.
so we went sleeping, naked, hugging and kissing :3
when I usually sleep with another guy I always end up hugging the other guy and he doesn't touch me at all, which is boring... but as soon as I turned over and show him my back, he would instantly hug me :3 that was great!!! lol
and I could actually kiss him during his sleep, or touch his dick, etc. and he would let me instead of saying "oh, I want to sleep..." haha, he was horny and so I was :)
Step: lol 3 times in one night eh
that sounds about right
usually guys are too tired after the first, which is kinda boring
me: but in the end he was REALLY a super nice guy, I love talking to him, just doing nothing, and having sex!!! lol
Step: lol maybe you found your guy to have an open relationship with
me: yeah, usually one is the maximum :P I always try to do it twice...
haha, yeah, we talked about relationships, how boyfriends are assholes who always want attention! lol
Step: hah, depends I tend to suck the energy out of them
me: hahaha
good boy ;)
...
me: oh, we slept... we woke up, hmmm... we didd nothing because he had to go to work... and so I went back home... I think that was pretty much it :P We texted a bit at noon but now he just rejected me because he had too many things to do... REJECTED!!!! lol
me: but that's pretty much it... I kinda miss him and would like to have sex with him again NOW!!!!

I even wrote on my facebook how great it was, to which some of my friends started to think I might be hooking up or something... oh fuck you, ok? it's like my ex being such an asshole over this issue, as if it was so bad to hook up... anyway, at that same time, so this morning when I came back at like 7am, I wrote to some friends on facebook... and no reply yet... wtf, just answer me, ok? I really think I suck at making new friends, I don't know at all how to behave and I get it so messed up that they don't want to talk to me anymore... Like there's this guy who looks like a super friend, but he is oh so hard to get... I tried chatting on facebook but he doesn't really answer me today... :/ weird... am I doing too much? wtf... and he doesn't even answer to my mail... did I write something I shouldn't have? I talked about my hookup, but I don't think he would have felt offended or anything...

Anyway, there's this other super awesome friend, my idol in life... so the same morning she added me as a friend on her special facebook profile. I was like "oh yes!! I love you~~~" but she didn't answer my mail... I mean, it's fine, I don't mind, but it just sucks, especially since she's leaving soon and I wanted to get to know her better (as a friend, I'm not that bi...) datte douyatte ii ka zenzen wakannai yo... I can't find anything else to do but just wait for her or a friend of her to invite me somewhere... well, let's wait and see... :(

Then I feel like I want to have sex with anybody, just like her. I mean, just someone topping me so that I don't have to do anything but just have sex. Yeah, just having sex is for me sooo great that I don't mind not having fun at all. Most of the times I do, but it isn't what I'm looking for... I just like being with someone else, knowing other people, etc. So I guess I'm just having sex because I don't have enough friends... kinda sad... I couls spend more time with my friends, but at the same time I'm not really that sociable... I like having sex, talking dirty or lovely, and that's it. I don't want to go out with my friends, I don't like spending too much time with them, etc. And so that was the problem with my ex that he brought up on skype tonight... he wants to remain a friend that is as close as a boyfriend... but wtf, I can't do that man, I don't really spend that much time with any of my friend anyway, I'm not gonna spend two hours a day for you, sorry...

So, in priority, 1) sex, 2) friends, 3) love. And actually I'm not looking for love at all, but just as "affectionate love" I could get from hookups or friends... And today, or at least after 7am, I got no sex, didn't get replies to my friends, and well obviously only got affectionate love from my friends... Thanks Stephen! I love you!! :D

Edit (02/10/11): This priority list seems kinda odd now. I'm not sure what it would be... Maybe something like 1) find this special friend/lover, 2) get to know more people like me, 3) go out, 4) make as many people as possible happy, 5) make world peace with my ideas. I'm definitely not looking for love or sex anymore... which is kinda weird lol anyway, I should think more about my priorities! :)

So in short, my life sucks. I don't like it the way it is... so I want to hook up more, I want this awesome guy to answer me and get to know him better, and I want these new friends to fucking answer me and invite me somewhere!!!

Goodbye!