I'm sexually attracted to asian people. Ok, that's cool, but not when it's mostly the only people you like...
I want to hook up? Well, I'll find an asian guy... I look at a white guy, no particular emotion. I look at an asian guy, I feel excited. Why?
So let's try to find out everything I had in relation with asian people since I was born. not many asians were at my school or around. I remember when I was 7yo my sister saying that I looked like a Chinese guy (maybe Bruce Lee?) to which I didn't want to associate. Then for me China was "at the other side of the world". But I don't think that's really what started it.
At 11yo, in 5th grade, I was friend with a Korean guy (probably South Korea since North wouldn't sell their kids...) I really liked him I think, not like a lover, but as a nice friend. Anyway, a friend like any I guess, I don't remember being that close, just playing together at school. But one day, we had to decide in which rooms we wanted to sleep for a school trip. Obviously, I didn't have much friends and no one really liked me... And he didn't want to include me. I was about to cry, being left alone and not being able to tell the teacher after he asked that I didn't have a room. This was probably one of the saddest moment of my life, seriously. And then all of a sudden he raised his hand and told the teacher to include me in his room. I was like "what? seriously?" and it took me some time to realize how grateful I was. That was the nicest guy I ever met in my life yet. Marc-Antoine, thank you!
So did my brain associated asian people (and "asian men" maybe) to nice people? maybe... I didn't really have anything relating asians afterwards, until a friend of my brother made him watch anime. And anime was cool, in, and awesome. So I thought right at the beginning that Japan was the best country in the world, that I wanted to live there, etc. So I guess I started looking on Internet about anime, and I saw pictures of Japanese people. Did I like them? Was I attracted? I'm not sure. I think I was impressed by their works, but I didn't really have any particular emotion or prejudice about them. I wasn't thinking that they were white, had small noses, small eyes, etc. I was just "oh, so that's the woman behind Chopper's voice!"
And then I guess I started looking at more Japanese people, in videos, movies, dramas, etc. I really wanted to think they were handsome, because I really wanted to like everything about Japan. I wanted to be part of the "Japanese Wave", be a professional of anime, and of Japan, know more than my friends, etc. I wanted to be able to identify myself to something for the first time of my life. And I did. Anime was my life, Japan was my goal. So I forced myself to like Japanese people, Japanese culture, and I would defend them on every occasion.
At that time I didn't know I was gay, so I don't think I really was thinking about living in Japan with a Japanese boyfriend or anything. But when I did realize I was gay, I was looking for a boyfriend (because that's what everyone does, right? jk) And in my mind, I was thinking about a Japanese boyfriend. It didn't happen, but anyway. I was like "next time it's gonna be a Japanese guy". And every next time I was looking for a boyfriend, it had to be someone asian, or with something asian in him. It just had, I couldn't do the same mistake as I did the first time. So now I was looking more for any Asian, and not necessarily Japanese. I was also more interested in Asia in general.
Then two years later I decided to change my major to East Asian Studies. I liked Asia and everything related to it, so why not study them? Then after that I decided my whole life would be related to Asia. I would have an asian boyfriend, I would live in Asia, I would learn every Asian language, etc.
And now what? I have difficulties to be sexually attracted to non-Asians. I guess I never really had any particular interest in any non-Asian country. But is it the same thing? I don't care if I like the country or not, I'm just looking at guys and girls and see that the only ones I'm really attracted to are mostly asians. And whenever I look at pictures of Asians, I feel so fucking sexually aroused. No matter if they're ugly (because I do want to believe they are good-looking). And so I've kept sleeping with asians, I rarely do others, and i feel sometimes bad about it, but some of my friends find it funny and encourage me to stay like this (i.e. they accept who I am and do with it) I don't really know what side is better, trying to change and like more different things, or being closed in my only-asian love... :/ But anyway, I guess I'm just myself... I don't really like being like this, but what can I change? It's a bit too late, and do I want to change it? I mean, asians are cute, why would I start not liking them anymore? :)
Like my professor said: "Asia has always been the center of the world."
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