私はこれから死のうと思います。ただ、私一人が死んでも、おそらく世界は死にきれず、断末魔の苦しみを続けることでしょう。
そこで私は、もう一人、誰かと一緒に死へと戻ろうと思うのです。
私は捨て石になります。まず、私が先陣を切ります。もし私の願いを自分の願いと感じて後に続いてくれる人たちが大勢現れれば、この世は真のありのままの姿を取り戻せるでしょう。ニセの生は消え、リアルで自然で本物の、死者たちの世界に帰れるでしょう。
-星野智幸
I'm heading off to die now. But my death alone won't stop the world from dying and writhing in agony.
I need someone else, another person with whom I can return to death.
I will lead the vanguard and sacrifice myself. If enough of you identify with my dream, we can really bring this world back to what it is truly meant to be. We can extinguish the phony world and return to the real, natural, and authentic world of the dead.
- Tomoyuki Hoshino
Sometimes I feel like I'm just weak not to be able to kill myself. It's not that I don't like this world, it's just that I think this world is just a big pile of shit. If every wrong soul would kill themselves, then the world would be a clean and nice place to live. I can't seem to find my place in this world. I can't seem to find anyone else like me, or not even just someone who put a name on it before on that state of mind I have. What is it exactly? I'm not nihilist. I do think we have to think over starting from scratch on every single things in this world, and so we need to go against every single norm, but it's not what defines me. I just believe a world without lies would be a world where people would enjoy being with themselves, would enjoy living together, etc. A world where norms, values, ideals, thoughts, opinions, etc. do not exist would make it better for everyone, would stop discrimination, racism, sexism, and wars. But even if everyone out there are looking for that peaceful world, no one is actually making it. Everyone lies, everyone believes in norms and values and ideals and thoughts and opinions and all that stuff. Everyone believes. And that's why this world is wrong in the first place. As soon as you believe in something, love, friendship or sex for example, you make yourself a rotten human being, one that needs to kill himself in order to let the good people live.
Yeah, I googled "Andy Long Hoang" and found out that this guy is more than just a guy... anyway, it might just be what they all do in fashion industry, but you know... I had a crush on this chinese guy, and he was he fact a hoax, so I don't think I want to like a model anymore... they suck, they're shit and blablabla... but Andy was a great guy... I should give him another chance, but I should forget about making him a boyfriend or whatever I wanted him to be in my life... My life's just hell anyway, and it's never gonna be good. I just can't live like this with everyone else. They're not like me at all. And seriously, I don't think anyone will ever think a little bit similarly to me. No. Everyone is the same. Everyone is shit. Everyone is dirty. Everyone should die. Someday I'll just kill everyone and leave the good ones. I mean, I'll leave those who are not that bad. Because there's just no good people at all. This world sucks.
Seriously, I'm thinking about killing myself right now. I might be drunk, but nothing good ever happened in my life. Seriously. All these "good" memories I have are just fake. What do I mean by fake? It's that they don't last, they're lost and will never happen again. I know a lot of people are stupid and can live with someone and love that person and be happy forever after. But no matter how I try, I'm different and can't do that. I did try. But now, I just can't be happy. I need to be sad, I need to hate this world, I need to feel like I don't belong here.
So what do I do in order to make me feel better? I have sex and I drink. These two things make me happy. Or at least I think so. I have to move tomorrow but I only think about killing myself. I'm glad I have no idea how to do that. So in the end I'm just gonna keep on living. But you know, it's fucking hard to keep on living in this world. FUCKING HARD. I don't think I want to do it anymore. So I'm drinking thinking that it's gonna kill me... but I know it won't. I might get to puke, but that's all. Then after puking I'll go sleep and everyone will be happy. Wait, who actually cares if I die? Seriously, don't tell me you like me or anything. Have you read my other posts? You clearly don't like me at all. No one can. I throw shit at people because I don't like them. So how can they like me in return?
Andy... :( You were my last chance. You were the only good thing happening in my life. And look at you now. Look at how you're impossible to reach. I know you're not interested in me. You want to be nice and polite, but you just don't give a damn about me. Who would do so anyway. I'm not the kind of guy people like. I'm these people who can't get along with other people. So please hate me. Please never talk to me. Please leave me alone. Please fucking live your life instead of thinking about me. Is that the message I want to show through my suicide? Maybe. Maybe I want to tell people that they're the worst kind of people ever and that they have a serious problem to solve if they want to live in a nice world. A nice world is a world with nice people. And seriously, there's none of these right now. Except me, but I'm gonna go kill myself. Yeah, I'm leaving all the shit you are behind, and I'm getting rid of the only thing that was clean. Good luck with making this world a better place. But it's impossible you know. because you're still alive and people like you make this world a mess. Please die, ok? Can you do it for me? Can you do it for all these nice people who wanted a nice world to live in?
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