So, I broke up with Eason. Well actually I don't even know if it was a breakup or just an email to say that we shouldn't meet again. Anyway, I don't really want to talk about it now, but since this is supposed to be a blog about my honest insights, well... I wanted to love him thinking that he was fit for me (since different) but I realized that there was no love between us and I could get it from someone else, so why bother with the distance and everything, while I could act as an adult for once and not make things complicated for both of us.
Done. Next topic please.
His name wasn't Hugo lol He speaks really fast so I heard that on his phone message, but it's Rodrigo. lol I met him again, after exchanging quite many texts during the week. It was another fun night. He fucked me twice, and every time my ass gets used more and more (i.e. the hole gets bigger lol) Anyway, the fucking part isn't what's really fun (well it is, but it's the same as with anyone else in some ways). I could go on and list all the great things I like about him (how he kisses, his awesome body, how nice he is to me and everyone else, etc.) but that's merely a result of the feeling I have: being in love.
Obviously, if you know me (and I know you don't, but it's okay), I'm trying to get this feeling aside. I mean, I might love him and everything, but he's 15 years older and probably expect an adult out of me, while I'm just a stupid teenager who can't do anything right. Khanh helped me a lot to make me more mature, but I'm still acting recklessly and say things without thinking. And that's probably not something this Rodrigo would like.
But on the other way, there's also this Yifan who's been really annoying about meeting me more and more. I mean, I fucked him last Thursday and he liked it so much (well, I liked it too) that he keeps asking for me. More? No, sorry, I don't have time for a 19yo kid who wants a bf who will do everything for him. I don't want to lose my time with teenage drama like I used to. And that's probably why I've been liking adult men more lately. I mean, a mature man is someone who is serious about life and his decisions, who is able to think more than just up to his nose, etc. And even though I said I wasn't an adult anymore, I don't think I'm a teenager anymore. Probably a young adult. Funny thing.
I mean, I've got to think about life and not just me. So instead of thinking what I want to study and what I want to do (e.g. start a game company), I have to think about what I should do with my life (e.g. finish my studies, pay my student debts, get enough money and experience to start a company, etc.) I suppose one of the reason I didn't want to think differently was because I didn't want to make choices. I mean, once you choose something, it's too late, you made the choice and have lost some time with it. You can try something else after it, but you're taking time and you've only got one life, so you have to hurry if you want to do anything.
I was looking at his profile on facebook... And someone wrote something on his wall, and it's about me! lmao
Ah mon beau Rodrigo!! Bonne fete mon bel homme!! Je peux juste dire combien je suis fier de tout ce que tu as pu accomplir ces dernieres années. Tu me sembles heureux et en parfaite santé, cette année jte souhaite un beau ptit garcon qui sera l'heureux chanceux de pouvoir faire partie de ta vie. Tu le mérites :) Pi si ten trouves pas, ben viarge on va slouer des films d'amour pi manger dla creme en glace à volonté en pleurant comme des beubés haha!! Love you mon ami xoxoxox
Hahaha, I hope I could be this "cute little boy who is gonna be the lucky one and be part of his life" :3 anyway, this is just a dream, I don't want to be too excited about it, since every time I'm in love it doesn't turn out in anything good lol
And cuz it's my favorite song of the week:
(I was listening to it before seeing Rodrigo last Friday, and... I had a good feeling ;) )
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
4/18 Sanmi Kawemara
Edit (8/12/11): I had to change her name since it was linked back to my blog. I think I will have to think carefully about not writing one's complete name...
Edit (11/21/11): This was reposted, the link to the previous article was still showing up on some search engine and I don't really want others to find it from the name of the person...
I think I need to write down about her. I mean, it's not what people think of. It is quite special actually.
When I first met her, it was during the placement test, to decide at which level I should go for my Japanese studies at McGill. Well, I didn't have any opinion of her at that time. I was asked if whether I wanted to be in level 1 or 2, because I did well in the test, but not that well. I answered that I should go for level 1 just to be sure, something I regretted later on.
I really liked Uesaka's classes, and I thought highly of her. She was a really sweet and dedicated person, and I learned a lot from her. She motivated me so much, and every time I went to her office I would go back home with a love for Japanese language. I thought she was the best Japanese teacher ever.
Then I went into level 2 a little bit before half of the first semester, since level 1 was way too easy for me. So I came to see Kawemara-sensei. I don't think I really had any impression or whatsoever of her. She was just a Japanese teacher. I couldn't switch to level 2, so I continued in level 1 and stopped going to the second level's classes. But it was okay, I mean, Uesaka-sensei was great, I loved her.
Then during the summer I started studying Japanese to be able to skip level 2. Why? Because I wanted, that way, to be with Uesaka-sensei again. I didn't want to learn Japanese with another teacher, and I wanted to be a really good student of Japanese, which I couldn't do since I decided not to skip level 1 (I had many occasions, but since I was lost in my educational path, I missed them). I took the placement test, and... well I came there really tired and couldn't remember some of the grammar patterns, so... they thought it wasn't appropriate for me to skip level 2, which they considered as the hardest to skip. So I had to be in level 2. So I couldn't be with Uesaka-sensei. So I had to be with Kawemara-sensei.
I think I got my first impression of Kawemara-sensei at that time. She was "the lady who didn't want me to skip level 2". Then she became this teacher who couldn't teach me anything new since I already learned all that stuff. And then she became an old lady who was not made to be a teacher anymore, and should learn from Uesaka-sensei. And so I started hating her. She was everything I didn't like about a teacher. She was, for me, a bad teacher. And all I could think of was the following year when I would have Uesaka-sensei again.
And so second level passed like this without any real change in my mind. The next year I was finally happy with Uesaka-sensei teaching level 3. I thought she was an awesome teacher, and I learned a bunch of stuff, with hard work but being rewarded by her teaching methods.
But I wanted to continue studying Japanese, so I had to have Kawemara-sensei again for level 4. And that was a pain for me. I didn't really like her. But I decided to try, and so I started the year with no bad thought of her. But it changed. Her exams were hard, her texts too, she wouldn't teach Japanese but talk about some "stupid" stuff. And so I started hating her.
Since I didn't have good grades at all, I wanted to improve my spoken skills, and so I asked Senoo-sensei to have some kind of weekly discussions. We had two of them, and it was great, but I didn't have enough time to continue... I think I could have done them with Kawemara-sensei, but since I didn't like her...
My exams were around 55-60%. And that's the kind of grades I would get. On the last summary I did, she wrote half a page saying that my way of thinking was wrong. I was getting desperate. I talked about it with a friend, saying that was she was doing was unacceptable. You can't give so bad grades to students all the time thinking that they will want to learn. You can't tell your students that they are thinking wrong. You can't make exams by thinking that the average should be around 60%. And you can't say that the highest score on any assignment is 85% just because it's an A. And so talking about it with my friend, I started to cry. I couldn't stand her anymore. I thought of denouncing her teaching to someone at McGill, but then since it was her last year, it wouldn't change anything. So I took all my courage and went to see her to tell her that something was wrong between me and her.
I was really nervous, and wasn't sure about what I was about to say. I wanted to tell her what I thought on how she teaches, but I just told her that I thought I was doing bad in the class since I was only having bad grades. And then she said "Oh no! You're doing really great!" And she wanted to know on which parts I had more difficulties. I said it was on the readings (on which we have to write summaries). She then asked me if I wanted to try to translate them in English to see if it could help me.
So I went back home with not so much settled. But at least I was feeling less stressed I guess. I still disliked her as a teacher, but I kept trying hard, even with all these 55-60% exams and summaries. She said in class that if we handed in every homework, then we would get at least a B. So I was aiming for that B I guess. I translated a text into English, and we went over it, which helped me a lot to understand the text. But I still couldn't get a good grade in the summary. Nor in the exams. I didn't have much time because of my work, but I did work a lot on the Japanese class, and I didn't think I was getting better at all at Japanese. I thought I didn't learn anything at all in level 4.
After the winter holidays, things changed. I came to know Adrienne from a class in fall, and I really loved her. She once said in class that Kawemara-sensei (and Uesaka-sensei too) was the best Japanese teacher out there, and that she loved her. At that time, I thought "uhhh, that's so not true! Kawemara-sensei is really not good at all, and nothing compared to Uesaka-sensei". But with another class with Adrienne, we were asked to do radio documentaries. And she had a special project, which was a documentary on Kawemara-sensei. She wanted to know who would be interested for it. At first, I was like "oh no, I'm just not doing this". But then, two things came to my mind: 1) I want to do something more challenging (since I know Adrienne pushes us out of motivation, which is really great), and 2) if Adrienne thinks she is so great, maybe I can give it a try. And so I volunteered for it.
For the documentary, I think I started with a pessimistic view on it. I thought it was useless to tell the life of someone who really did nothing much in her life. We went on to interview people around her, and it was all "she is so sweet, she is the best, she is saintly, you just want to hug her", etc. And even if I started to see that she was a "good" person, I still thought negatively of her. I mean, she was this animal-crazy old woman with too much politics in classes on what is good for humans and what is not. But I still wanted to make this documentary.
I wrote my speech contest about world peace and how beliefs made it impossible for real peace to happen. When I wrote it, I thought that she would hate it, just like anyone else would, but that it didn't matter, since I believed what I said was completely logical, and therefore right. She read and corrected it, and sent me an email saying that she disagreed with it. I was really happy she did! I came to see her and countered back her argument in her email. She couldn't reply to my answer, but I saw that she actually was thinking about it. She was trying to make sense of what I wrote, of what I thought. And then when I came to see her the same day to get my final version, so smiled telling me that the text was good now, but that she still disagreed with the contents.
I think this is exactly when I started having a different opinion of her. Whenever I talked about these things with other people, they would either change subject or say that I'm crazy. But she acted differently. She tried to understand me. And even if she couldn't, she didn't judge me for my ideas. I don't think she ever thought I was crazy at all. I think she was more interested in me than disgusted. I made Adrienne read my speech too, and she reacted in a similar way, but instead saying that it was awesome and that she agreed on all of it. I can't say this was true or not, but at least I don't think she was judging me either for my weird ideas.
So I did my speech. I didn't have time to memorize it, but felt like I wanted to say it anyway, I wanted to feel free and express my feelings to everyone. And I think this was these "free discussions" that Adrienne was talking about in an interview about Kawemara-sensei. With Sumi, you can say whatever you want, and you won't be judged. And in fact, she wants to know about other ways of thinking. She wants to learn from her students. Which is something she would repeat later on.
So I was starting to like her. We were working on the documentary, and was having some issues with a teammate about the contents of the documentary and the way it was presented. I think I wanted to do a serious documentary while she wanted to do a love homage to her. I tried to persuade my teammates that it wouldn't look good, but I gave up. And I started to really hate the documentary I was still working on, and I left all the creative ideas to my teammates, to the point where I told them "say whatever you want, but you will look stupid". They then made some minor changes, but in general the documentary was for me a failure.
I realized that I was getting closer to Kawemara-sensei. I learned about all of her life, I talked with her family, her close friends, her coworkers. I got to know almost everyone in the department. And I was reading texts in my Japanese classes on things that was important for her. And I came to find her discussions interesting. I went in her office with a hidden recorder and asked her questions about her anarchism and her view of the world, and also about her early life. We used that for the documentary. But what nobody knows is that I didn't do it for the documentary, but just because I wanted to know more about her. And I talked with her for more than 20 minutes, about other subjects too. We talked about nihilism, how a country can be anarchist, what it means to have nothing good or bad, what is the meaning of "pain", privileged people, etc. I felt like this was one of the best discussion I ever had in my life. And I still feel bad about this "lie" I made with my hidden recorder. I feel like I cheated on her honesty.
Then I did my oral presentation in Japanese on world peace again. This time I included much more information, and she helped me with my text. When I did it in class, there was a lot of contradictory opinions, which I found was great. At the end, Sanmi told me that I did great since everyone said something. But at the same time, I heard one of my friend (and probably more) thought I had a problem for thinking that way and that everyone was in disagreement with me. I think I saw in this the difference between a person who is open to other people's thoughts and someone who is not. But then again, it doesn't really matter I guess. I just thought it was really awesome for Sanmi to let me say whatever I thought and finding it interesting.
For the documentary, we wanted to include some words from everyone in the longest version. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't face it, nor can I even now. I still don't know how to talk to her as of now. I can't face her. How can you tell someone you love her when you hated her? How can she forgive me for the way I thought of her, without even knowing her? I'm still thinking she made me change much more than I can ever thank her. And I am so ashamed of myself for hating her. There's only a few people in my life I really hated, but she was one of them. She made me realize that I shouldn't judge people, and shouldn't hate them. Even if I think I know them. So I didn't include "final" words in the documentary, I did not write her anything for her retirement party, and I did not give her anything. And I just can't.
I worked really hard on the documentary and came to like it more. I still believe that it doesn't describe her at all, and that I could have done much better (alone), but I feel like my other teammates didn't know her that much, or didn't really understand her. I think now I have a really good idea of who she is. And I really love her. And so I finished the documentary thinking that it didn't describe her, but that since she isn't materialistic, she wouldn't think too much about this documentary. And that she wouldn't care so much if I didn't thanks her at all. Because I'm sure it doesn't matter for her what people have to say to her, or think of her.
I was really tired during the retirement party and so I don't remember exactly what she told me, but I don't think she said anything in particular. I actually don't think she ever thanked me for the documentary, but it might be the same as I never thanked her for everything that I'm writing right now.
On the day of the final exam, last Friday, something really special happened. We went to have dinner after the exam. She was saying that I eat a lot (because we ate together the Sunday before for the demonstration) and that it must be cold outside since I cut my hair. But when she said that, she laughed. And I've never seen her smiling that much. Never. And it was so beautiful. It's making me cry now... But I was so glad to see her so happy. I think to some point I did make her happy, even for all of these bad thoughts I had of her. And even if I never thanked her in any for all she did for me. She still loved me. With a smile I have never seen from her before. And since she was looking at me, I thought she was happy because of me. And that she probably loves me too.
Ok, sorry, need a small tissues pause here...
It's weird. I have this feeling that wants to be closer to her. I would like, for example, to be part of one of her tutorial she gave to students. I'd like to have discussions with her, spend time with her, and learn Japanese by discussions on issues on which we agree or disagree. I would like this, but I don't know how to ask her. I don't know how to ask her for more than she already gave to me. I think she did more than enough, and I just want to let her do what she wants without being a burden. It's the same thing with Adrienne, she changed me a lot and I would like to get closer, but I do not want to interfere in her life. Even if I think I could still learn much more from these two person.
So, well, that's where I am now. I think when you love someone you used to hate, your feelings are much stronger than when you love at first sight. Because the process of understanding that person and changing to see that she was in fact different from what you thought, is a much longer process than just loving that person the first time you meet. But anyway, it doesn't matter if I love her or not. What matters is that I've become a much better person, thanks to her. And I think staying on that track would be the best present I could ever give her.
Edit (11/21/11): This was reposted, the link to the previous article was still showing up on some search engine and I don't really want others to find it from the name of the person...
I think I need to write down about her. I mean, it's not what people think of. It is quite special actually.
When I first met her, it was during the placement test, to decide at which level I should go for my Japanese studies at McGill. Well, I didn't have any opinion of her at that time. I was asked if whether I wanted to be in level 1 or 2, because I did well in the test, but not that well. I answered that I should go for level 1 just to be sure, something I regretted later on.
I really liked Uesaka's classes, and I thought highly of her. She was a really sweet and dedicated person, and I learned a lot from her. She motivated me so much, and every time I went to her office I would go back home with a love for Japanese language. I thought she was the best Japanese teacher ever.
Then I went into level 2 a little bit before half of the first semester, since level 1 was way too easy for me. So I came to see Kawemara-sensei. I don't think I really had any impression or whatsoever of her. She was just a Japanese teacher. I couldn't switch to level 2, so I continued in level 1 and stopped going to the second level's classes. But it was okay, I mean, Uesaka-sensei was great, I loved her.
Then during the summer I started studying Japanese to be able to skip level 2. Why? Because I wanted, that way, to be with Uesaka-sensei again. I didn't want to learn Japanese with another teacher, and I wanted to be a really good student of Japanese, which I couldn't do since I decided not to skip level 1 (I had many occasions, but since I was lost in my educational path, I missed them). I took the placement test, and... well I came there really tired and couldn't remember some of the grammar patterns, so... they thought it wasn't appropriate for me to skip level 2, which they considered as the hardest to skip. So I had to be in level 2. So I couldn't be with Uesaka-sensei. So I had to be with Kawemara-sensei.
I think I got my first impression of Kawemara-sensei at that time. She was "the lady who didn't want me to skip level 2". Then she became this teacher who couldn't teach me anything new since I already learned all that stuff. And then she became an old lady who was not made to be a teacher anymore, and should learn from Uesaka-sensei. And so I started hating her. She was everything I didn't like about a teacher. She was, for me, a bad teacher. And all I could think of was the following year when I would have Uesaka-sensei again.
And so second level passed like this without any real change in my mind. The next year I was finally happy with Uesaka-sensei teaching level 3. I thought she was an awesome teacher, and I learned a bunch of stuff, with hard work but being rewarded by her teaching methods.
But I wanted to continue studying Japanese, so I had to have Kawemara-sensei again for level 4. And that was a pain for me. I didn't really like her. But I decided to try, and so I started the year with no bad thought of her. But it changed. Her exams were hard, her texts too, she wouldn't teach Japanese but talk about some "stupid" stuff. And so I started hating her.
Since I didn't have good grades at all, I wanted to improve my spoken skills, and so I asked Senoo-sensei to have some kind of weekly discussions. We had two of them, and it was great, but I didn't have enough time to continue... I think I could have done them with Kawemara-sensei, but since I didn't like her...
My exams were around 55-60%. And that's the kind of grades I would get. On the last summary I did, she wrote half a page saying that my way of thinking was wrong. I was getting desperate. I talked about it with a friend, saying that was she was doing was unacceptable. You can't give so bad grades to students all the time thinking that they will want to learn. You can't tell your students that they are thinking wrong. You can't make exams by thinking that the average should be around 60%. And you can't say that the highest score on any assignment is 85% just because it's an A. And so talking about it with my friend, I started to cry. I couldn't stand her anymore. I thought of denouncing her teaching to someone at McGill, but then since it was her last year, it wouldn't change anything. So I took all my courage and went to see her to tell her that something was wrong between me and her.
I was really nervous, and wasn't sure about what I was about to say. I wanted to tell her what I thought on how she teaches, but I just told her that I thought I was doing bad in the class since I was only having bad grades. And then she said "Oh no! You're doing really great!" And she wanted to know on which parts I had more difficulties. I said it was on the readings (on which we have to write summaries). She then asked me if I wanted to try to translate them in English to see if it could help me.
So I went back home with not so much settled. But at least I was feeling less stressed I guess. I still disliked her as a teacher, but I kept trying hard, even with all these 55-60% exams and summaries. She said in class that if we handed in every homework, then we would get at least a B. So I was aiming for that B I guess. I translated a text into English, and we went over it, which helped me a lot to understand the text. But I still couldn't get a good grade in the summary. Nor in the exams. I didn't have much time because of my work, but I did work a lot on the Japanese class, and I didn't think I was getting better at all at Japanese. I thought I didn't learn anything at all in level 4.
After the winter holidays, things changed. I came to know Adrienne from a class in fall, and I really loved her. She once said in class that Kawemara-sensei (and Uesaka-sensei too) was the best Japanese teacher out there, and that she loved her. At that time, I thought "uhhh, that's so not true! Kawemara-sensei is really not good at all, and nothing compared to Uesaka-sensei". But with another class with Adrienne, we were asked to do radio documentaries. And she had a special project, which was a documentary on Kawemara-sensei. She wanted to know who would be interested for it. At first, I was like "oh no, I'm just not doing this". But then, two things came to my mind: 1) I want to do something more challenging (since I know Adrienne pushes us out of motivation, which is really great), and 2) if Adrienne thinks she is so great, maybe I can give it a try. And so I volunteered for it.
For the documentary, I think I started with a pessimistic view on it. I thought it was useless to tell the life of someone who really did nothing much in her life. We went on to interview people around her, and it was all "she is so sweet, she is the best, she is saintly, you just want to hug her", etc. And even if I started to see that she was a "good" person, I still thought negatively of her. I mean, she was this animal-crazy old woman with too much politics in classes on what is good for humans and what is not. But I still wanted to make this documentary.
I wrote my speech contest about world peace and how beliefs made it impossible for real peace to happen. When I wrote it, I thought that she would hate it, just like anyone else would, but that it didn't matter, since I believed what I said was completely logical, and therefore right. She read and corrected it, and sent me an email saying that she disagreed with it. I was really happy she did! I came to see her and countered back her argument in her email. She couldn't reply to my answer, but I saw that she actually was thinking about it. She was trying to make sense of what I wrote, of what I thought. And then when I came to see her the same day to get my final version, so smiled telling me that the text was good now, but that she still disagreed with the contents.
I think this is exactly when I started having a different opinion of her. Whenever I talked about these things with other people, they would either change subject or say that I'm crazy. But she acted differently. She tried to understand me. And even if she couldn't, she didn't judge me for my ideas. I don't think she ever thought I was crazy at all. I think she was more interested in me than disgusted. I made Adrienne read my speech too, and she reacted in a similar way, but instead saying that it was awesome and that she agreed on all of it. I can't say this was true or not, but at least I don't think she was judging me either for my weird ideas.
So I did my speech. I didn't have time to memorize it, but felt like I wanted to say it anyway, I wanted to feel free and express my feelings to everyone. And I think this was these "free discussions" that Adrienne was talking about in an interview about Kawemara-sensei. With Sumi, you can say whatever you want, and you won't be judged. And in fact, she wants to know about other ways of thinking. She wants to learn from her students. Which is something she would repeat later on.
So I was starting to like her. We were working on the documentary, and was having some issues with a teammate about the contents of the documentary and the way it was presented. I think I wanted to do a serious documentary while she wanted to do a love homage to her. I tried to persuade my teammates that it wouldn't look good, but I gave up. And I started to really hate the documentary I was still working on, and I left all the creative ideas to my teammates, to the point where I told them "say whatever you want, but you will look stupid". They then made some minor changes, but in general the documentary was for me a failure.
I realized that I was getting closer to Kawemara-sensei. I learned about all of her life, I talked with her family, her close friends, her coworkers. I got to know almost everyone in the department. And I was reading texts in my Japanese classes on things that was important for her. And I came to find her discussions interesting. I went in her office with a hidden recorder and asked her questions about her anarchism and her view of the world, and also about her early life. We used that for the documentary. But what nobody knows is that I didn't do it for the documentary, but just because I wanted to know more about her. And I talked with her for more than 20 minutes, about other subjects too. We talked about nihilism, how a country can be anarchist, what it means to have nothing good or bad, what is the meaning of "pain", privileged people, etc. I felt like this was one of the best discussion I ever had in my life. And I still feel bad about this "lie" I made with my hidden recorder. I feel like I cheated on her honesty.
Then I did my oral presentation in Japanese on world peace again. This time I included much more information, and she helped me with my text. When I did it in class, there was a lot of contradictory opinions, which I found was great. At the end, Sanmi told me that I did great since everyone said something. But at the same time, I heard one of my friend (and probably more) thought I had a problem for thinking that way and that everyone was in disagreement with me. I think I saw in this the difference between a person who is open to other people's thoughts and someone who is not. But then again, it doesn't really matter I guess. I just thought it was really awesome for Sanmi to let me say whatever I thought and finding it interesting.
For the documentary, we wanted to include some words from everyone in the longest version. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't face it, nor can I even now. I still don't know how to talk to her as of now. I can't face her. How can you tell someone you love her when you hated her? How can she forgive me for the way I thought of her, without even knowing her? I'm still thinking she made me change much more than I can ever thank her. And I am so ashamed of myself for hating her. There's only a few people in my life I really hated, but she was one of them. She made me realize that I shouldn't judge people, and shouldn't hate them. Even if I think I know them. So I didn't include "final" words in the documentary, I did not write her anything for her retirement party, and I did not give her anything. And I just can't.
I worked really hard on the documentary and came to like it more. I still believe that it doesn't describe her at all, and that I could have done much better (alone), but I feel like my other teammates didn't know her that much, or didn't really understand her. I think now I have a really good idea of who she is. And I really love her. And so I finished the documentary thinking that it didn't describe her, but that since she isn't materialistic, she wouldn't think too much about this documentary. And that she wouldn't care so much if I didn't thanks her at all. Because I'm sure it doesn't matter for her what people have to say to her, or think of her.
I was really tired during the retirement party and so I don't remember exactly what she told me, but I don't think she said anything in particular. I actually don't think she ever thanked me for the documentary, but it might be the same as I never thanked her for everything that I'm writing right now.
On the day of the final exam, last Friday, something really special happened. We went to have dinner after the exam. She was saying that I eat a lot (because we ate together the Sunday before for the demonstration) and that it must be cold outside since I cut my hair. But when she said that, she laughed. And I've never seen her smiling that much. Never. And it was so beautiful. It's making me cry now... But I was so glad to see her so happy. I think to some point I did make her happy, even for all of these bad thoughts I had of her. And even if I never thanked her in any for all she did for me. She still loved me. With a smile I have never seen from her before. And since she was looking at me, I thought she was happy because of me. And that she probably loves me too.
Ok, sorry, need a small tissues pause here...
It's weird. I have this feeling that wants to be closer to her. I would like, for example, to be part of one of her tutorial she gave to students. I'd like to have discussions with her, spend time with her, and learn Japanese by discussions on issues on which we agree or disagree. I would like this, but I don't know how to ask her. I don't know how to ask her for more than she already gave to me. I think she did more than enough, and I just want to let her do what she wants without being a burden. It's the same thing with Adrienne, she changed me a lot and I would like to get closer, but I do not want to interfere in her life. Even if I think I could still learn much more from these two person.
So, well, that's where I am now. I think when you love someone you used to hate, your feelings are much stronger than when you love at first sight. Because the process of understanding that person and changing to see that she was in fact different from what you thought, is a much longer process than just loving that person the first time you meet. But anyway, it doesn't matter if I love her or not. What matters is that I've become a much better person, thanks to her. And I think staying on that track would be the best present I could ever give her.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
11/20 Email
So I got an email from my TA. Here it is:
Bonjour -me-,
Je n'ai pas encore reçu de fiches pour toi, ça devrait se faire dans le courant de la semaine prochaine, j'imagine. Pour les 5 premières que tu as envoyées, c'est généralement bien. Pour les prochaines fiches je te suggère d'élaborer un peu plus sur la description de l’article et la proposition, de donner des notices bibliographiques complètes et de surveiller un peu la syntaxe. J'ajoute aussi qu'il est préférable de consulter les fichiers power point des autres pour éviter de proposer des sources qui sont déjà intégrées (voir le travail de Vincent Primeau).
- à bientôt
Véronique
So, it really pissed me off, so I replied like this (I didn't get an answer):
Est-ce que tu sais s'il y a une façon d'obtenir les fichiers power point des autres ? Ils ne sont pas sur Studium et je ne les ai pas reçus par courriel.
And I need to complain a little bit more here, cuz, really, this email annoys me more than everything that happened during the weekend.
Je n'ai pas encore reçu de fiches pour toi, ça devrait se faire dans le courant de la semaine prochaine, j'imagine.
WTF!?!?! So what are these next sentences then if you haven't received any? Are you stupid or do you copy/paste the same sentence for everyone?
Pour les 5 premières que tu as envoyées, c'est généralement bien.
Oh, here, she received them...
Pour les prochaines fiches je te suggère d'élaborer un peu plus sur la description de l’article et la proposition, de donner des notices bibliographiques complètes et de surveiller un peu la syntaxe.
Killing sentence. Well, I didn't write enough stuff? And wtf? Who fucking cares if I didn't write a novel? Syntax? WWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? My syntax is awesome, and even if it wasn't, who are you to judge me like this? I means, all you do is telling me "well, you did a good job, but this sucks, that sucks, and this sucks too. In other words, you suck." Wow, great! Now I know why she is a TA... she likes to be mean to students. I mean, seriously? What does it give you to throw shit at your students? Do you feel like you are a better person? Or are you stupid enough to "just follow whatever rules the society tells you: to do everything perfectly, and find faults in everyone." Bitch.
J'ajoute aussi qu'il est préférable de consulter les fichiers power point des autres pour éviter de proposer des sources qui sont déjà intégrées (voir le travail de Vincent Primeau).
Well, fuck you again. I didn't have these! How could I have checked them? Is it my fault that the prof didn't send them? (well he never intended to do so) So yeah, you're completely lost, but don't start criticizing me for something you don't know! Bitch.
Still angry. I've got 3 more to do and... well, knowing that she corrects them, I just want to throw her what she deserves: shit.
Bonjour -me-,
Je n'ai pas encore reçu de fiches pour toi, ça devrait se faire dans le courant de la semaine prochaine, j'imagine. Pour les 5 premières que tu as envoyées, c'est généralement bien. Pour les prochaines fiches je te suggère d'élaborer un peu plus sur la description de l’article et la proposition, de donner des notices bibliographiques complètes et de surveiller un peu la syntaxe. J'ajoute aussi qu'il est préférable de consulter les fichiers power point des autres pour éviter de proposer des sources qui sont déjà intégrées (voir le travail de Vincent Primeau).
- à bientôt
Véronique
So, it really pissed me off, so I replied like this (I didn't get an answer):
Est-ce que tu sais s'il y a une façon d'obtenir les fichiers power point des autres ? Ils ne sont pas sur Studium et je ne les ai pas reçus par courriel.
And I need to complain a little bit more here, cuz, really, this email annoys me more than everything that happened during the weekend.
Je n'ai pas encore reçu de fiches pour toi, ça devrait se faire dans le courant de la semaine prochaine, j'imagine.
WTF!?!?! So what are these next sentences then if you haven't received any? Are you stupid or do you copy/paste the same sentence for everyone?
Pour les 5 premières que tu as envoyées, c'est généralement bien.
Oh, here, she received them...
Pour les prochaines fiches je te suggère d'élaborer un peu plus sur la description de l’article et la proposition, de donner des notices bibliographiques complètes et de surveiller un peu la syntaxe.
Killing sentence. Well, I didn't write enough stuff? And wtf? Who fucking cares if I didn't write a novel? Syntax? WWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? My syntax is awesome, and even if it wasn't, who are you to judge me like this? I means, all you do is telling me "well, you did a good job, but this sucks, that sucks, and this sucks too. In other words, you suck." Wow, great! Now I know why she is a TA... she likes to be mean to students. I mean, seriously? What does it give you to throw shit at your students? Do you feel like you are a better person? Or are you stupid enough to "just follow whatever rules the society tells you: to do everything perfectly, and find faults in everyone." Bitch.
J'ajoute aussi qu'il est préférable de consulter les fichiers power point des autres pour éviter de proposer des sources qui sont déjà intégrées (voir le travail de Vincent Primeau).
Well, fuck you again. I didn't have these! How could I have checked them? Is it my fault that the prof didn't send them? (well he never intended to do so) So yeah, you're completely lost, but don't start criticizing me for something you don't know! Bitch.
Still angry. I've got 3 more to do and... well, knowing that she corrects them, I just want to throw her what she deserves: shit.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
11/19 Stuff
I'm not sure why, but I feel fucking sad since a few days... wanna cry or something, but I don't have enough feelings, so I end up here...
Well, I started having sex a little bit lately. With Khanh on Halloween, then... oh yeah, an asian guy (cool guy, but he didn't reply to me tonight lol), then Monday morning with Lucca (the 60yo guy who gives me money!), then last night with this Hugo. It was actually a LOT of fun. We had sex 2 times and a half, talked a lot in the bed, and it was loving/passionate sex, which I haven't had in a while. He really liked me, so we'll probably see each other again, but anyway.
And then tonight I decided to go see a guy who gave me the wrong address on Thursday (and I waited for half an hour and surprisingly I think I was pissed off...) and... well, he was in a hurry, so all he wanted was for me to suck him... WTF!! You want me to suck you? And what do I get? Do I look like a prostitute? Where's my money? And, well, I did it, cuz there was nothing else to do... but I don't like sucking, and he didn't want to do anything else... oh shit, I hope he didn't enjoy it...
Anyway, I think I like somewhat older men, not because they're old, but because they're smarter than most people of my age. For example, Khanh is the smartest person I know, and then there's Adrienne for example. These people are really smart and I have fun with them because of that. People in my class are just a bunch of kids. They think they know everything but in fact I know everything about each of them. I remember everything they've said, everything they've done, and so I know everything they think. Even the most complicated people in my class are still average to figure out. I suppose the older people get around me and the harder it will be to understand them (see it as a tree that grows branches all the time, so there are more branches in an older tree).
Anyway, I think I hate people for being stupid. I suppose it's something like "well if I can be smart as I am, you can too, just start thinking instead of believing all the shit people say around you." Oh well...
I'm around 180lbs now, kinda cool considering I was 160 when school started. It's around 2lbs every week. I was wondering why I was working out, and I think it's some kind of achievement thing. My workout program was really descriptive and stuff, so I was motivated to follow it. But there's one week left and I don't have the motivation anymore lol
I think I miss being able to love someone and getting love back from that person. I need a lover. Eason? Well, he's away, haven't seen him for two months, and he's not sure he's coming for Christmas (because of work and because his uncle and aunt want him for Christmas... lol fuck you...) Spending Christmas alone (with my family) is a huge disappointment, just like last year, and now I'm getting stressed out about it again :( I suppose I don't want to go back alone. Omg, just thinking about it makes me super stressed out, so I should stop... :/
As for school, I don't know what to do. It's getting really boring, I'm really losing my time and I don't like it. And plus, it's stressful. I mean, all the projects/homework we have to do, and none are actually useful, they're just a waste of time... it's all stupid... So what should I do? Keep doing something I don't like for a few months until I have a diploma that might help me? Start looking for a job and stop my studies? Or stop studying and start my company. Anyway, I have a debt I can't forget, since I can't start a company without money... And all that shit. it's scaring me out.
So uh, yeah... I need a sugar daddy. Or I need money. And sadly that means I need to work in a company... which I don't really want to do... :(
urgh... I hate life.
and that's it, gonna go back to these stupid homework...
Well, I started having sex a little bit lately. With Khanh on Halloween, then... oh yeah, an asian guy (cool guy, but he didn't reply to me tonight lol), then Monday morning with Lucca (the 60yo guy who gives me money!), then last night with this Hugo. It was actually a LOT of fun. We had sex 2 times and a half, talked a lot in the bed, and it was loving/passionate sex, which I haven't had in a while. He really liked me, so we'll probably see each other again, but anyway.
And then tonight I decided to go see a guy who gave me the wrong address on Thursday (and I waited for half an hour and surprisingly I think I was pissed off...) and... well, he was in a hurry, so all he wanted was for me to suck him... WTF!! You want me to suck you? And what do I get? Do I look like a prostitute? Where's my money? And, well, I did it, cuz there was nothing else to do... but I don't like sucking, and he didn't want to do anything else... oh shit, I hope he didn't enjoy it...
Anyway, I think I like somewhat older men, not because they're old, but because they're smarter than most people of my age. For example, Khanh is the smartest person I know, and then there's Adrienne for example. These people are really smart and I have fun with them because of that. People in my class are just a bunch of kids. They think they know everything but in fact I know everything about each of them. I remember everything they've said, everything they've done, and so I know everything they think. Even the most complicated people in my class are still average to figure out. I suppose the older people get around me and the harder it will be to understand them (see it as a tree that grows branches all the time, so there are more branches in an older tree).
Anyway, I think I hate people for being stupid. I suppose it's something like "well if I can be smart as I am, you can too, just start thinking instead of believing all the shit people say around you." Oh well...
I'm around 180lbs now, kinda cool considering I was 160 when school started. It's around 2lbs every week. I was wondering why I was working out, and I think it's some kind of achievement thing. My workout program was really descriptive and stuff, so I was motivated to follow it. But there's one week left and I don't have the motivation anymore lol
I think I miss being able to love someone and getting love back from that person. I need a lover. Eason? Well, he's away, haven't seen him for two months, and he's not sure he's coming for Christmas (because of work and because his uncle and aunt want him for Christmas... lol fuck you...) Spending Christmas alone (with my family) is a huge disappointment, just like last year, and now I'm getting stressed out about it again :( I suppose I don't want to go back alone. Omg, just thinking about it makes me super stressed out, so I should stop... :/
As for school, I don't know what to do. It's getting really boring, I'm really losing my time and I don't like it. And plus, it's stressful. I mean, all the projects/homework we have to do, and none are actually useful, they're just a waste of time... it's all stupid... So what should I do? Keep doing something I don't like for a few months until I have a diploma that might help me? Start looking for a job and stop my studies? Or stop studying and start my company. Anyway, I have a debt I can't forget, since I can't start a company without money... And all that shit. it's scaring me out.
So uh, yeah... I need a sugar daddy. Or I need money. And sadly that means I need to work in a company... which I don't really want to do... :(
urgh... I hate life.
and that's it, gonna go back to these stupid homework...
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
11/2 I Miss Libertarian Education
It's been a while since I last posted. The reason is simple: I don't have time to talk about my life. A lot has happened, as always, but I suppose I'm gonna have to skip a few important things.
When I compare the way people respond to my ideas, from Adrienne to other people, I see a clear difference: Adrienne is a pure libertarian and others make it seem like they are but just aren't. What I mean by that is the following: When I (or someone else) talks about an idea, people's first reaction is to find faults to it, to criticize it and tell me what they think would be a better answer. In fact, we use what has been done for a long time, a false libertarianism. On the surface, people let others say the things they want to say, and then they answer by saying whatever they want (since they also have freedom of expression). But this isn't what is happening exactly. When people respond, they correct what the first person said by arguing that they know more or that what they know is better. I suppose I do not have to say that except for mathematics or languages, nothing else is known for sure (and it isn't because we can observe something that it is true; that's called Logic 101). Hence their arguing is completely useless, but they think it's okay to do so since they have freedom of expression.
The problem with that is that this arguing makes the first person feel bad about this thing. His idea was an IDEA, not a truth, and the first reaction of others is to destroy his idea with another one (which isn't a truth either). And how do one react to this? Well, the person is pissed off. He will start to believe his idea is right and he needs to protect it (since he has been attacked), or he will just listen to the other persons and believe what they say, or he will just forget all about it. (there might be other options, but I don't really have any idea in mind.) But the individual liberty here is not respected. It is actually completely shut off. When you answer "Shut up! You're wrong, I know the truth!" you tell the other person that his way of thinking and expressing himself is wrong, and obviously you force that person to take a position on what was an idea. So you might transform an idea into a belief.
Now, to go back to Adrienne. What she would say after one has said anything would be a positive response. She would praise the person, saying things like "You guys are so smart!" And what does this create? It creates a real libertarian space to talk about whatever one wants with complete freedom of expression. And in Adrienne's courses it was the first and only time I saw something like that. Now, with my current courses, I really miss Adrienne.
I think it is similar to prejudices. For example, when someone says he does not have prejudices, this is just a belief the person has. Whether that person really has prejudices or not depends on much more. But the person wants to defend the idea that "not having prejudices is right", hence there is already a contradiction. Why do people feel the need to express what isn't a truth nor an idea, but just "what everyone says is right"? Prejudices have been perceived as the worst thing ever, and even if some people say they have prejudices, they all know it is "bad" to. And it's that part I hate because it just doesn't make sense at all. Having prejudices has been considered a bad thing, and you will get criticized as soon as you say one, and this criticism will force you to either believe they really are bad or that you are the one who is right and they are wrong. (sorry if it took me time to get to this lol I think I'm really tired and my brain isn't all there, but it's still logical :) )
When someone says something that doesn't make sense at all or is out of the conventional, I get thrilled. Why? Because that person doesn't fear the stupid criticism he will get in no time. That person really is using his freedom of expression. But for how long? How long will it take before he falls in the conventional? It's hard to be one against everyone. And so instead of criticizing others, why not praise them for having ideas, and praise them even more for having "crazy" ideas that make no sense? Only then we will have individual liberty.
And before I get criticized for not thinking too much, I will add that even if someone seems to be arguing over something doesn't necessarily means that he thinks what has been said is wrong or anything, but maybe he only wants to add something to advance the idea to a further level. I do not say this is not a good way to learn, but still, it's like saying "look, you got part of it, here is what you forgot". But what that person doesn't mean is "Oh, you're idea is so great, I love it! I also thought about this other thing that is similar, what do you think?" But then again, said in the wrong way, it might influence a positive response ("yes! that's also a really good idea!" while the other person didn't actually have time to think much about it but was influenced by the words of praise given...) This example raises many more examples, but hopefully if we stop trying to argue about our ideas and just listen to what others have to say and praise them for having ideas, I think these problems might not occur.
And it's getting really late so I should work a little bit on homework or stuff :)
When I compare the way people respond to my ideas, from Adrienne to other people, I see a clear difference: Adrienne is a pure libertarian and others make it seem like they are but just aren't. What I mean by that is the following: When I (or someone else) talks about an idea, people's first reaction is to find faults to it, to criticize it and tell me what they think would be a better answer. In fact, we use what has been done for a long time, a false libertarianism. On the surface, people let others say the things they want to say, and then they answer by saying whatever they want (since they also have freedom of expression). But this isn't what is happening exactly. When people respond, they correct what the first person said by arguing that they know more or that what they know is better. I suppose I do not have to say that except for mathematics or languages, nothing else is known for sure (and it isn't because we can observe something that it is true; that's called Logic 101). Hence their arguing is completely useless, but they think it's okay to do so since they have freedom of expression.
The problem with that is that this arguing makes the first person feel bad about this thing. His idea was an IDEA, not a truth, and the first reaction of others is to destroy his idea with another one (which isn't a truth either). And how do one react to this? Well, the person is pissed off. He will start to believe his idea is right and he needs to protect it (since he has been attacked), or he will just listen to the other persons and believe what they say, or he will just forget all about it. (there might be other options, but I don't really have any idea in mind.) But the individual liberty here is not respected. It is actually completely shut off. When you answer "Shut up! You're wrong, I know the truth!" you tell the other person that his way of thinking and expressing himself is wrong, and obviously you force that person to take a position on what was an idea. So you might transform an idea into a belief.
Now, to go back to Adrienne. What she would say after one has said anything would be a positive response. She would praise the person, saying things like "You guys are so smart!" And what does this create? It creates a real libertarian space to talk about whatever one wants with complete freedom of expression. And in Adrienne's courses it was the first and only time I saw something like that. Now, with my current courses, I really miss Adrienne.
I think it is similar to prejudices. For example, when someone says he does not have prejudices, this is just a belief the person has. Whether that person really has prejudices or not depends on much more. But the person wants to defend the idea that "not having prejudices is right", hence there is already a contradiction. Why do people feel the need to express what isn't a truth nor an idea, but just "what everyone says is right"? Prejudices have been perceived as the worst thing ever, and even if some people say they have prejudices, they all know it is "bad" to. And it's that part I hate because it just doesn't make sense at all. Having prejudices has been considered a bad thing, and you will get criticized as soon as you say one, and this criticism will force you to either believe they really are bad or that you are the one who is right and they are wrong. (sorry if it took me time to get to this lol I think I'm really tired and my brain isn't all there, but it's still logical :) )
When someone says something that doesn't make sense at all or is out of the conventional, I get thrilled. Why? Because that person doesn't fear the stupid criticism he will get in no time. That person really is using his freedom of expression. But for how long? How long will it take before he falls in the conventional? It's hard to be one against everyone. And so instead of criticizing others, why not praise them for having ideas, and praise them even more for having "crazy" ideas that make no sense? Only then we will have individual liberty.
And before I get criticized for not thinking too much, I will add that even if someone seems to be arguing over something doesn't necessarily means that he thinks what has been said is wrong or anything, but maybe he only wants to add something to advance the idea to a further level. I do not say this is not a good way to learn, but still, it's like saying "look, you got part of it, here is what you forgot". But what that person doesn't mean is "Oh, you're idea is so great, I love it! I also thought about this other thing that is similar, what do you think?" But then again, said in the wrong way, it might influence a positive response ("yes! that's also a really good idea!" while the other person didn't actually have time to think much about it but was influenced by the words of praise given...) This example raises many more examples, but hopefully if we stop trying to argue about our ideas and just listen to what others have to say and praise them for having ideas, I think these problems might not occur.
And it's getting really late so I should work a little bit on homework or stuff :)
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