Edit (8/12/11): I had to change her name since it was linked back to my blog. I think I will have to think carefully about not writing one's complete name...
Edit (11/21/11): This was reposted, the link to the previous article was still showing up on some search engine and I don't really want others to find it from the name of the person...
I think I need to write down about her. I mean, it's not what people think of. It is quite special actually.
When I first met her, it was during the placement test, to decide at which level I should go for my Japanese studies at McGill. Well, I didn't have any opinion of her at that time. I was asked if whether I wanted to be in level 1 or 2, because I did well in the test, but not that well. I answered that I should go for level 1 just to be sure, something I regretted later on.
I really liked Uesaka's classes, and I thought highly of her. She was a really sweet and dedicated person, and I learned a lot from her. She motivated me so much, and every time I went to her office I would go back home with a love for Japanese language. I thought she was the best Japanese teacher ever.
Then I went into level 2 a little bit before half of the first semester, since level 1 was way too easy for me. So I came to see Kawemara-sensei. I don't think I really had any impression or whatsoever of her. She was just a Japanese teacher. I couldn't switch to level 2, so I continued in level 1 and stopped going to the second level's classes. But it was okay, I mean, Uesaka-sensei was great, I loved her.
Then during the summer I started studying Japanese to be able to skip level 2. Why? Because I wanted, that way, to be with Uesaka-sensei again. I didn't want to learn Japanese with another teacher, and I wanted to be a really good student of Japanese, which I couldn't do since I decided not to skip level 1 (I had many occasions, but since I was lost in my educational path, I missed them). I took the placement test, and... well I came there really tired and couldn't remember some of the grammar patterns, so... they thought it wasn't appropriate for me to skip level 2, which they considered as the hardest to skip. So I had to be in level 2. So I couldn't be with Uesaka-sensei. So I had to be with Kawemara-sensei.
I think I got my first impression of Kawemara-sensei at that time. She was "the lady who didn't want me to skip level 2". Then she became this teacher who couldn't teach me anything new since I already learned all that stuff. And then she became an old lady who was not made to be a teacher anymore, and should learn from Uesaka-sensei. And so I started hating her. She was everything I didn't like about a teacher. She was, for me, a bad teacher. And all I could think of was the following year when I would have Uesaka-sensei again.
And so second level passed like this without any real change in my mind. The next year I was finally happy with Uesaka-sensei teaching level 3. I thought she was an awesome teacher, and I learned a bunch of stuff, with hard work but being rewarded by her teaching methods.
But I wanted to continue studying Japanese, so I had to have Kawemara-sensei again for level 4. And that was a pain for me. I didn't really like her. But I decided to try, and so I started the year with no bad thought of her. But it changed. Her exams were hard, her texts too, she wouldn't teach Japanese but talk about some "stupid" stuff. And so I started hating her.
Since I didn't have good grades at all, I wanted to improve my spoken skills, and so I asked Senoo-sensei to have some kind of weekly discussions. We had two of them, and it was great, but I didn't have enough time to continue... I think I could have done them with Kawemara-sensei, but since I didn't like her...
My exams were around 55-60%. And that's the kind of grades I would get. On the last summary I did, she wrote half a page saying that my way of thinking was wrong. I was getting desperate. I talked about it with a friend, saying that was she was doing was unacceptable. You can't give so bad grades to students all the time thinking that they will want to learn. You can't tell your students that they are thinking wrong. You can't make exams by thinking that the average should be around 60%. And you can't say that the highest score on any assignment is 85% just because it's an A. And so talking about it with my friend, I started to cry. I couldn't stand her anymore. I thought of denouncing her teaching to someone at McGill, but then since it was her last year, it wouldn't change anything. So I took all my courage and went to see her to tell her that something was wrong between me and her.
I was really nervous, and wasn't sure about what I was about to say. I wanted to tell her what I thought on how she teaches, but I just told her that I thought I was doing bad in the class since I was only having bad grades. And then she said "Oh no! You're doing really great!" And she wanted to know on which parts I had more difficulties. I said it was on the readings (on which we have to write summaries). She then asked me if I wanted to try to translate them in English to see if it could help me.
So I went back home with not so much settled. But at least I was feeling less stressed I guess. I still disliked her as a teacher, but I kept trying hard, even with all these 55-60% exams and summaries. She said in class that if we handed in every homework, then we would get at least a B. So I was aiming for that B I guess. I translated a text into English, and we went over it, which helped me a lot to understand the text. But I still couldn't get a good grade in the summary. Nor in the exams. I didn't have much time because of my work, but I did work a lot on the Japanese class, and I didn't think I was getting better at all at Japanese. I thought I didn't learn anything at all in level 4.
After the winter holidays, things changed. I came to know Adrienne from a class in fall, and I really loved her. She once said in class that Kawemara-sensei (and Uesaka-sensei too) was the best Japanese teacher out there, and that she loved her. At that time, I thought "uhhh, that's so not true! Kawemara-sensei is really not good at all, and nothing compared to Uesaka-sensei". But with another class with Adrienne, we were asked to do radio documentaries. And she had a special project, which was a documentary on Kawemara-sensei. She wanted to know who would be interested for it. At first, I was like "oh no, I'm just not doing this". But then, two things came to my mind: 1) I want to do something more challenging (since I know Adrienne pushes us out of motivation, which is really great), and 2) if Adrienne thinks she is so great, maybe I can give it a try. And so I volunteered for it.
For the documentary, I think I started with a pessimistic view on it. I thought it was useless to tell the life of someone who really did nothing much in her life. We went on to interview people around her, and it was all "she is so sweet, she is the best, she is saintly, you just want to hug her", etc. And even if I started to see that she was a "good" person, I still thought negatively of her. I mean, she was this animal-crazy old woman with too much politics in classes on what is good for humans and what is not. But I still wanted to make this documentary.
I wrote my speech contest about world peace and how beliefs made it impossible for real peace to happen. When I wrote it, I thought that she would hate it, just like anyone else would, but that it didn't matter, since I believed what I said was completely logical, and therefore right. She read and corrected it, and sent me an email saying that she disagreed with it. I was really happy she did! I came to see her and countered back her argument in her email. She couldn't reply to my answer, but I saw that she actually was thinking about it. She was trying to make sense of what I wrote, of what I thought. And then when I came to see her the same day to get my final version, so smiled telling me that the text was good now, but that she still disagreed with the contents.
I think this is exactly when I started having a different opinion of her. Whenever I talked about these things with other people, they would either change subject or say that I'm crazy. But she acted differently. She tried to understand me. And even if she couldn't, she didn't judge me for my ideas. I don't think she ever thought I was crazy at all. I think she was more interested in me than disgusted. I made Adrienne read my speech too, and she reacted in a similar way, but instead saying that it was awesome and that she agreed on all of it. I can't say this was true or not, but at least I don't think she was judging me either for my weird ideas.
So I did my speech. I didn't have time to memorize it, but felt like I wanted to say it anyway, I wanted to feel free and express my feelings to everyone. And I think this was these "free discussions" that Adrienne was talking about in an interview about Kawemara-sensei. With Sumi, you can say whatever you want, and you won't be judged. And in fact, she wants to know about other ways of thinking. She wants to learn from her students. Which is something she would repeat later on.
So I was starting to like her. We were working on the documentary, and was having some issues with a teammate about the contents of the documentary and the way it was presented. I think I wanted to do a serious documentary while she wanted to do a love homage to her. I tried to persuade my teammates that it wouldn't look good, but I gave up. And I started to really hate the documentary I was still working on, and I left all the creative ideas to my teammates, to the point where I told them "say whatever you want, but you will look stupid". They then made some minor changes, but in general the documentary was for me a failure.
I realized that I was getting closer to Kawemara-sensei. I learned about all of her life, I talked with her family, her close friends, her coworkers. I got to know almost everyone in the department. And I was reading texts in my Japanese classes on things that was important for her. And I came to find her discussions interesting. I went in her office with a hidden recorder and asked her questions about her anarchism and her view of the world, and also about her early life. We used that for the documentary. But what nobody knows is that I didn't do it for the documentary, but just because I wanted to know more about her. And I talked with her for more than 20 minutes, about other subjects too. We talked about nihilism, how a country can be anarchist, what it means to have nothing good or bad, what is the meaning of "pain", privileged people, etc. I felt like this was one of the best discussion I ever had in my life. And I still feel bad about this "lie" I made with my hidden recorder. I feel like I cheated on her honesty.
Then I did my oral presentation in Japanese on world peace again. This time I included much more information, and she helped me with my text. When I did it in class, there was a lot of contradictory opinions, which I found was great. At the end, Sanmi told me that I did great since everyone said something. But at the same time, I heard one of my friend (and probably more) thought I had a problem for thinking that way and that everyone was in disagreement with me. I think I saw in this the difference between a person who is open to other people's thoughts and someone who is not. But then again, it doesn't really matter I guess. I just thought it was really awesome for Sanmi to let me say whatever I thought and finding it interesting.
For the documentary, we wanted to include some words from everyone in the longest version. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't face it, nor can I even now. I still don't know how to talk to her as of now. I can't face her. How can you tell someone you love her when you hated her? How can she forgive me for the way I thought of her, without even knowing her? I'm still thinking she made me change much more than I can ever thank her. And I am so ashamed of myself for hating her. There's only a few people in my life I really hated, but she was one of them. She made me realize that I shouldn't judge people, and shouldn't hate them. Even if I think I know them. So I didn't include "final" words in the documentary, I did not write her anything for her retirement party, and I did not give her anything. And I just can't.
I worked really hard on the documentary and came to like it more. I still believe that it doesn't describe her at all, and that I could have done much better (alone), but I feel like my other teammates didn't know her that much, or didn't really understand her. I think now I have a really good idea of who she is. And I really love her. And so I finished the documentary thinking that it didn't describe her, but that since she isn't materialistic, she wouldn't think too much about this documentary. And that she wouldn't care so much if I didn't thanks her at all. Because I'm sure it doesn't matter for her what people have to say to her, or think of her.
I was really tired during the retirement party and so I don't remember exactly what she told me, but I don't think she said anything in particular. I actually don't think she ever thanked me for the documentary, but it might be the same as I never thanked her for everything that I'm writing right now.
On the day of the final exam, last Friday, something really special happened. We went to have dinner after the exam. She was saying that I eat a lot (because we ate together the Sunday before for the demonstration) and that it must be cold outside since I cut my hair. But when she said that, she laughed. And I've never seen her smiling that much. Never. And it was so beautiful. It's making me cry now... But I was so glad to see her so happy. I think to some point I did make her happy, even for all of these bad thoughts I had of her. And even if I never thanked her in any for all she did for me. She still loved me. With a smile I have never seen from her before. And since she was looking at me, I thought she was happy because of me. And that she probably loves me too.
Ok, sorry, need a small tissues pause here...
It's weird. I have this feeling that wants to be closer to her. I would like, for example, to be part of one of her tutorial she gave to students. I'd like to have discussions with her, spend time with her, and learn Japanese by discussions on issues on which we agree or disagree. I would like this, but I don't know how to ask her. I don't know how to ask her for more than she already gave to me. I think she did more than enough, and I just want to let her do what she wants without being a burden. It's the same thing with Adrienne, she changed me a lot and I would like to get closer, but I do not want to interfere in her life. Even if I think I could still learn much more from these two person.
So, well, that's where I am now. I think when you love someone you used to hate, your feelings are much stronger than when you love at first sight. Because the process of understanding that person and changing to see that she was in fact different from what you thought, is a much longer process than just loving that person the first time you meet. But anyway, it doesn't matter if I love her or not. What matters is that I've become a much better person, thanks to her. And I think staying on that track would be the best present I could ever give her.
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