3/27 Update

So I think it's time for a little update on my life... A lot happened in the last month, so it's gonna take forever...

First, Daishi came. I thought it would be awesome, that we'd have a real great time, but it didn't happen. He was still pissed off by me, and was expecting me to behave as a "host" (someone who brings him everywhere and takes care of him all the time). Well, I tried as much as I could, but it didn't work out. Obviously my tendency to think that nothing is good or wrong makes other people uncomfortable and drives them crazy... for example, he started hitting me, which I wrote on facebook:

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Honesty Brings Violence

So I decided I wanted feedback and so here I am, writing on facebook... anyway...

Today someome hit me (like in punching). I knew that person had some kind of violent behaviour, but I didn't know that people could actually hate me to a point they had to hit me. Not really knowing what to do, I pushed the person and made him sit down. He started crying and without knowing what to say to his accusations, he decided to leave, which is something I actually believed would be good for both of us.

So what caused that? Well, a simple thing but everything at the same time. I said to that person he was racist, as much as I say it to everyone else (because even if one considers themselves as non-racist, everyone is racist about something in the end). What was his reaction? Well, after hitting me multiple times and being seated, he started saying that I was always saying stuff without thinking about other people's feelings and that they always had to be true for me (as in "I believe everything I say is true").

Now, how much of what he said is true? Well, some parts definitely are. I say what I think without thinking about how people will feel, not because I want to hurt them, but because by hiding it, it is a lie and it will hurt the other person some way or another in the future. And I'm sorry for being like this, for not being able to lie about what I think, and for saying things that might hurt people. But if you can't take criticism, if you can't take a friend's remark, if you believe you are not racist and someone tells you you are and it makes you want to hate that person, well, I'm sorry but I think you have a problem. It's called "don't touch my little person" and it's based on the society model of "I possess things that are better than yours therefore I am a better person".

Those who know me know that I don't hate egocentric or capitalist people. Well I don't hate anyone. I am open to be their friends as anyone else. I don't hate people who disagree with my ideas and say I'm the worst person on earth (I actually encourage people to say these things to me as I have a strong personality and it helps to get your frustration out).

Well, what I say is always true because it contains thoughts I have at the momment that are not biased by lies. And here I am not saying that I believe in such or such idea. No no no. I am saying that when I text you saying that I am sick and don't want to go out, it is because I am really sick and really don't want to go out. If I make a speech saying that beliefs bring wars, it is because it is logical in my head and I've thought about it through many different angles and analyzed different situations to come to that conclusion. I think much more than I talk. But sometimes I feel like I have to say it because it is so true and I should share this to other people as it might help them. When I say you are racist, I don't want you to kill yourself, I want you to think over it. Because yes, in my head, there is a logical thought that you are racist, and not telling you would be hiding it, lying about it, and not making you learn anything.

Now here it gets complicated. I forgive people. Anyone. But... today violence was used. And I don't want to forgive people who use violence to express themselves. And to some extent, I am the one who made that violence happen. So logically, by saying what I think, I make violence happen. And I thought being honest would bring peace, not war.

Anyway, I should probably not care too much about it. It is just another example of my theory about world peace (I'll post it on facebook in the following days). Yet it has been a really long time since anyone used violence against me, and I still don't know how to react. Am I supposed to consider physical violence like anything else and forgive the one who did it? Or should I wait or ask that person to apologize? Or should I stop frequenting people with violent behaviours? Or should I learn from it that violence is the key to solve any problem? (haha, that's a nice idea!) And as much as I am looking forward to a world without violence, how do I make that person understand that violence hurts people? (and therefore is wrong, if right and wrong actually do exist...) And what about my honesty bringing violence?

Stephen: We can't go running off our mouths about what we think of people. That just invites disasters to happen. We have the americans as example. The best feedback are the ones where people want to hear.

me: oh, now I get it! that makes a whole bunch of sense, thanks! :) But not so many like criticism, so how are they gonna learn about bad things they do/think/etc? Anyway, I guess they'll never know... :(

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Then I did my speech contest, it was about world peace and that world peace can only be achieved if everyone throw away their beliefs (see my previous post on this). Here is my speech:

世界平和

私の姉が７歳ぐらいの時、自分の誕生日に「世界平和が欲しい」ということを祈りました。私はその時はじめてその言葉を聞いて、『「世界平和」ってなに？』と聞きました。みんなは「世界平和というのは世界中のどこにも戦争がないことだよ。」と答えました。でも、世界平和をもたらすのは、ただ戦争をやめることですか。そうしたら、本当に世界が平和になるでしょうか。

辞書で平和の定義は「一般には国民の状態が戦争や内乱、騒乱などで乱れていないこと」です。他の辞書での定義は「世界中の非暴力の状態」、「人々が敵愾心を持っていない状態」。つまり、定義がどこでも曖昧です。一般的には戦争がなく世界中の人々が幸せな状態でしょう。それができるかどうか、今から話してみます。

世界平和をもたらすための考えはいろいろあります。例えば、全世界が民主主義になるとか、資本主義になるとか、グローバリゼーションや自由貿易などできるようになったら、世界が平和になるという理論もあります。他の考えは孤立主義と内政不干渉の原則で平和になると考える人もいます。戦争が起きたら、互いに原爆で同時に相手を完全に破壊すれば世界が平和になるという極端な考えさえあります。でもそれで本当に戦争をしなくなるか、人々を幸せにするか、疑問です。

全部の考えの基本は政府が戦争をやめるということです。でも、戦争が起こることは政府だけのせいではありません。政府から影響を受けた国民も、戦争がしたくなるのです。全部の戦争は人の集団が他の集団に対して心理的、物質的に上に立とうとするものです。人々が宗教心があるとか、ある国が世界一という信念を持つのは、戦争を作る原因です。だから、こういう人々の信念が今世界に平和がない理由です。

例えば、みんなは宗教の信念を持つことは何も危険はないと思っているかもしれないけれど、二つの宗教があったら、二つの集団が戦争をする可能性が高くなります。ほとんどの宗教は愛と平和を説いているけれど、それを信じる人がいて、自分の宗教のために他の人の宗教を批判する人もいるから、自分の宗教が一番いいと言うために相手と戦うことになります。

宗教ではなく、ナショナリズムを持つ人がいることも戦争が起きる原因です。国民が自分の国の政治を信じて他の国に違う考え方があったら、自分の国の考え方が一番いいことを見せたい国が戦争を始める可能性もあります。政府は国民にその国の信念を伝えるからです。全ての戦争の原因は人々が何かの信念を持つことです。自分で考えてください。

世界に平和をもたらす方法は何でしょうか。それは簡単なことです。全部の信念を捨てることです。それだけ。信念を捨てたら、戦争をする理由がなくなるから、世界は平和になります。「信念を捨てる」というのはどういう意味でしょうか。どうするのでしょうか。信念を捨てるやさしい方法はありません。意志で信念を捨てたいなら、捨てます。宗教の信念を捨てたいなら、捨てます。ナショナリズムを捨てたいなら、捨てます。そうすれば世界に平和がくるでしょう。でもみんなが何もしなかったら、世界が平和にならない理由は信念を持つみんなのせいです。

I made a longer version with slides for my Japanese class, which I presented last Friday. It was much better, but anyway, I think this short one is better since shorter :) People in my class were mostly shocked by my presentation, and were trying to find counter-arguments (Some of them were pretty good: what if I'm a pacifist and don't do anything when someone attacks me? What is different with children's quarrels? If you think you can make peace that way, isn't it a belief? (no, it's a thought, not a belief, but yeah, it's a good point), peace can be achieved if there are no more weapons, etc.) When I came back home, I heard from Fan that Bianca didn't like my presentation, and that I had a problem... oh well, whatever. I think you can judge by yourself looking at my blog if that doesn't make sense... And I don't believe in my speech, it is just an idea I have for now and which I can't find anything that contradicts it, so for me it is a truth now.

Going back with Daishi, we went to different places in Montreal. It was cool, but then every time we would walk too much, he would be pissed off by me making him walk too much... So it got on my nerves quickly... anyway... Then he would stay in (my) bed all day long because he was sick/depressed/sad/I-don't-know. The night he fought with me, I slept in Guillaume's bed, and he ate all Tylenols (some pills), after I told him a few days before that some people try to kill themselves by eating these... So I tried to take care of him all day long, but I was stressed because of my speech contest (the following day) so I asked Anais to come here to help me out if she wanted to. Later that day I had a talk with Daishi and we were good, I think. Then Anais cam and bang! He was super happy and everything was normal! Problem solved!

Another night (he was sick again), he would breath super fast and loud to make me feel like I need to take care of him. When I went to bed, I was really tired, but he wanted to talk, and so we talked about the same things over and over again... like how he could never be my friend anymore, how I should fake being his friend for the next few days, etc. When I stopped him to be able to sleep (it was 3-4am) he started this loud breathing, and since I couldn't sleep and didn't care, I decided to wake up, I turned on the light, and desperate and tired, I fetched Guillaume's help. As soon as I did that, Daishi was under his bed sheets and calm... So I went sleeping in the living room... Guillaume told me the next day that what I did was stupid and irresponsible, which I agree it was.

I think when there is a problem I always want to get someone for help, I can't solve it myself. Well, I mean, at least that's what I do sometimes, but I need to find ways on my own, even if they are not "the best solutions" ever.

And so then the following days he stayed home in bed, sick... He left on Sunday early morning (I went with him to the airport, we woke up at 5am, with the time back of one hour... @_@ ) At that time he wasn't so "annoying" anymore. I did sleep hugging him all night, because I did know I was gonna miss him, like I am now. I don't understand why exactly. I think he was the only person to really love me. And I loved him in return. I really did. But we didn't get along well, just because of me being nihilist and him being more capitalist (in thought, if you can say so...) So now he is back in Japan in his hometown, and I think things are going well.

Some days before he left, Fan was over-texting me... up to 3am... I was really pissed off, since he couldn't stop at all no matter what I told him, so I wrote this on facebook:

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Altruism vs Selfishness

I am an altruist person. If you have a problem, if you say something to me, if you come to me to talk, I will answer you, I will take time and I will try to help as much as I can. But there is something I just cannot do, it is to satisfy the selfishness of people.

Some people wanted to be in a relationship with me. Now I know that I cannot make this happen because what they want is a selfish relationship, and I can only give an altruist relationship. Some friends wanted me as their selfish "best friend" or something, but I cannot do that because I do not consider one person as better than another.

What has come to my mind lately was that some people want me to be selfish for them. They want me to believe they are more important than anyone else. I get asked "Am I more important to you than any other friend?" or I get a jealousy crisis every time I talk on the phone in presence of this friend...

Seriously, I am pissed off. These people know exactly how I think and what I think about them. I told them all this stuff already. I try to treat them like everyone else, but they ask for more, they want me to focus my life on them. It would be awesome if I was as selfish as them, but I am not at all and will never be.

So to these people: screw off! You want to possess me? Well, I don't want to possess you in return, nor do I actually want anyone to possess me. And no, it is not because I don't like you or anything, it is just because you are fucking annoying, I'm trying to get a life but all you want is for me to stop it and make it yours. And as much as I think you are an amazing person, I will never selfishly love you like you want me to. And since my altruist love is not what you are looking for with your probably capitalist-influenced mind, you should start thinking about giving up on me as something else than a friend.

So, just to make it clear: If you want to be more than just a friend of mine, you need to be as altruist as I am, or else you're only gonna be annoying. I am sorry you don't like it but it is just how my brain behaves. I have to treat everyone around me the same. I am an altruist person and I cannot help you in your selfishness.

Keum-Yeo and Jacqueline (my brother's girlfriend) liked it, and Keum-Yeo wrote "AMEN!". This makes me remind that Keum-Yeo has a close way of thinking to me, like for example this altruism she has and which she has difficulty with.

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Fan was still texting me, and so one day (Thursday after Daishi left), I decided I would let him come at my place. He definitely wanted sex, so in the end I just gave him what he wanted. I didn't like it (I don't want to have sex anymore) but he came and I did. Then I was like "ok, you got what you wanted, now you can leave and let me work on my assignments". He was really pissed off when I said that (and I know why! lol) but anyway, I didn't care. I didn't want him here in the first place, I just wanted to be left alone. So he left after me forcing him to do so...

He still texts me from time to time, but I always so I don't want him to come here...

The earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Well as much as I don't think I've been that much affected, the fact that Adrienne canceled all her classes and assignments probably did. I spent the whole week playing video games, not being able to do any work. I was thinking a lot about Daishi, Fan and Andy. For example, last week, I didn't sleep much. Just like now, I can't really fall asleep (i.e. I don't want to sleep). I've been crying a lot. Tonight I got Andy telling me that he is seeing someone. Well, he did tell me before, but I didn't understand it. Now I do, it means: sorry, I don't like you anymore and can't have sex with you, so don't lose your time with me anymore." Oh well, at least now I'm settled. It's the same with Fan and Daishi, it's a no and never. Good. Now I should stop loving them...

Then what else... I still haven't got an answer from my master's program... I'm currently playing FFXIII and a bit of FFXI, with Minecraft, and I'm watching some videos on nikoniko on Pokemon blue with only Pikachus. It's funny :P And I'm trying to study a little bit.

What I'd really like to do is to stop everything, buy a plane for Japan, and without telling anyone, just go live there, on my own. I could either become a Buddhist and work at a temple, or find someone to sleep with (there is a guy actually, xiaoyu, who wants me to come live at his place! lol) and find work in Japan to get a visa. I think the second option is less reckless, but I think I would still try to work in a temple, it sounds like it could help me out.

Oh, and there is also Meriadec who was really close-minded last week, and me and Julie were both telling him that what he said was stupid. I don't remember what it was exactly, but I was really pissed off knowing that some people think that narrowed way... But I guess we did make him think a little bit...

Well, I guess that's all... it's a long post but an important one I think. I don't know what is gonna happen next, but there isn't much. Well, actually, I have no plan in my life at any point... What should I do? I guess I have all doors open in front of me. Which way am I gonna take?

3/20 What's this shit all about

So, what's this shit all about? What's this blog all about? Why do I keep being down? Why am I not motivated for anything?

I suppose this blog is a search for myself. While most people take things as granted, I have to find everything on my own. I think the most difficult one is about love.

What is love? I still have no clue. People seem to be able to have it, yet I doubt love is different from affection even in their cases. Is it because I've never experienced it, or can't experience it, or is it that I'm smarter than most people and know love doesn't really exist? As much as I'd like to say that the answer is the latter, I think I have to define myself in relation with others.

So I am myself. That I've got proof of it. Being myself, the world (and mine) revolves around me and my life. It is myself only who has power of my life. My life is good, anyone else who is not me is doing something wrong. There are good people, people who don't do bad things too often, and bad people, those who do bad things all the time.

What is good and bad? Well, nothing. Hence saying that one person is good over someone else is irrational. But... I do feel like some people are better than others. Yeah, I know, I suck...

For example, my roommate's girlfriend, Anais, had a problem with her laptop. So she was really stressed out and would call Guillaume, my roommate, and would cry that her laptop was not working and that she was desperate. That kind of attitude, I don't like it. I believe there are many more important things in the world than your own little life having a stupid problem. And I believe people like this are part of a category of "bad people".

Obviously, everyone is egocentric at one point or another. The problem is when that person's egocentrism is an inherent quality (性質). And people with this kind of personality are, from my point of view, hurting feelings of other people.

It might sound stupid, but when I feel bad, I know it is because something IS bad. For example, when two people fight, when Daishi hit me, when Anais is pissed off because of Guillaume's funny comment, I feel bad inside. I feel like I don't want to be there anymore. I feel like this is not a place I should be, I'm encountering something that doesn't fit me. I want to leave, I want all of that to stop, but I can't do anything. All I do in these situations is escape. I always try to avoid drama. Why? Because drama is bad. I know it is. I mean, drama is about creating something bad out of nothing, just for the fun of it. Well, it isn't fun, and it isn't good since it is bad. Hence drama is bad (lol).

Christian was making a lot of drama all the time. I broke up. Daishi was making drama when I told him I wanted to have sex with others, I broke up. Fan made drama all the time, and even if it wasn't related to me (he would let me do whatever I want without saying anything), I know causing drama like this isn't good. But this is not why I broke up. I don't actually remember why I broke up with Fan. Because he was too present in my life and I needed some time for myself? I think that's it...

Why do I need a boyfriend? WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED OR WANT A BOYFRIEND??? Seriously, I have no clue at all. To have someone to hug, kiss? Well, I can do that super quickly on Manhunt. To have someone you can share everything with? Well, I think so. That's probably what I'm looking for... right? So then, I am looking for that person who is gonna read my blog and understand all of it and will be interested in me? lol don't give me crap, it's 1) never gonna happen and 2) a stupid idea I have. I should get back to Earth... So I should say goodbye Andy and forget all about him... well I can't really forget stuff, but I can tell myself that there's no way it's gonna work out...

I'm currently having a long discussion with Brent, a friend from school. I should probably copy/past it here! :)

me: hmmm... trying to answer questions about myself... have you ever had a boyfriend?

brent: Meh, sort of, but it was always long-distance and we only met after we broke up
But I'm pretty keen about thinking about people and personalities

me: lol, what can you say about me?

brent: I don't know you well enough, francis
Depends on the question though

me: hahaha
but I don't know... I feel like the only use for me to have a boyfriend would be to have someone who would understand me, but the only way for someone to "understand" me would be for me to talk about who I am, which is stupid since I can do that with anyone (but I don't lol)
so, Brent, why do you want or not want to have a boyfriend?

brent: Isn't that a narrow way of seeing things?
I can understanding not liking to talk about one self, but I don't buy that you are incapable of it
not for a second

me: no no, I am capable, I just don't want to do it

brent: The question is are you thinking about yourself and who you are?
In that case, I think you're running from an amazing potential to grow up

me: hmm, not sure I get what you're saying...

brent: I thought I was pretty clear
Do you self-reflect?
if you're brooding this much about who you are, I suppose you do XD

me: yeah lol so it's a bad thing? how am I supposed to grow up by not doing so?

brent: I think talking about who you are is important as a way of verbalizing your thoughts. If you find people are willing to talk about it, I think you gain amazing insight
I think adulthood is mostly about having an awareness of how you affect others, really
self-reflection about who are you, what you like, and what you want to do i think is integral to that
talking about that with others just helps speed things up
As for why I want a boyfriend? besides amazing sex, it's probably a growth thing, too. I want to feel needed and wanted, but I also want to see the ways I can affect that person postively, because I know I have a lot to offer
the mechanisms behind being understood aren't hard. It's just that it's sometimes hard to find people who have enough experiences that allow them to tap into the same wavelength as you

me: yeah, I think I have people around me who I can talk about my "life problems" and I learn from them (with extreme care, I know speech transforms good ideas into somewhat not so good ones...) But then I don't see why I need someone else than my friends...
as for relationships, I do not want to be needed and I can have sex all the time...

brent: If only all of us could be so lucky! lol

me: hahaha, I got bored of sex
I can't do it anymore, seriously... all I do is lay down and wait...

brent: lol
Lay down and wait?
lol to cum?
or what
meh, i can understand being bored of bad sex, but I think with passion, love, and devotion, it's hard to get too tired of

me: yeah, well I feel like I have to cum since the other person is waiting for me to do something lol but I don't do it out of pleasure... so I stopped having sex and don't feel like it...
hmmm... I don't think I believe in (selfish) love, so it's gonna be hard for me lol

brent: selfish love?

me: like "not altruist" love
love to only one person and not everyone...

brent: Francis sometimes your world view is so strange to me XD

me: hahaha

brent: I try my best to be an altruist, but I don't believe romantic love necessarily negates that
Romantic love is just a different color of love, with a different intensity

me: I do believe in love, but you know, I love you Brent as much as I love my mom and all the boyfriends I had, and my dogs, and my socks and the alien in the next galaxy... so I probably don't love anyone since I don't have any difference of feeling for anyone...
And adding romance to it makes me think it is fake... since it's only an emotion, it is not a fact, so it is not true... (omg, I'm starting to be emotionless...)

brent: Yikes, Francis how did you start thinking in such dogmatic terms XD
I still don't understand how you got the conclusion of sekai heiwa either
And I haven't done anything to earn the love you have for your mother. That should be up there
wayyy above any love you have for me

me: hahahahaha, seriously it is not. when I think about my mom I have the same feeling of when I think about you (i.e. both are nice person I like talking to sometimes, don't other times, like to learn from, don't like some of the things they do, etc. etc.) Maybe that's not considered as love, but I just want to hug my mom and you for no other reason that I am glad you both are part of my life. And I could say the same thing for anyone (or at least most of my friends)
I love you Brent!!! lol

brent: lol, love you too francis XD
Now suck my coxx!
kidding! lool

me: But I'm starting to be more and more nihilist... which isn't a good or a bad thing, just an understanding of my way of thinking...
haha, no sex please~~ lol

brent: I suppose. by nature I reject nihilism completely, but that's mostly because I haven't bothered to laern about it

me: haha

brent: for someone who's preaching that we give up belief, you sure sound like a hardliner XD

me: I suppose my point of view is closer to moral nihilism, but sometimes I don't really know what's the difference
I think moral nihilism is about not being influenced by opinions in general and being able to see that events happening in life are neither good nor bad since they are only events and do not bear any emotion...

brent: Oh, I see, I sort of get why you said what you did then
and exactly why Hasegawa sensei totally disagrees

me: but my speech isn't nihilist, I'm not completely nihilist (yet).

brent: Why do you want to be one?
You make it sound like it's some sort of membership club that you long to join

me: well when a friend told me that "I've always been a little bit nihilist" some ten years ago, I couldn't care less. I've been trying to have a normal life like everyone else, but seriously, I have been unable to do so. I mean, I would lie to myself, saying stuff that were not true, just so that I could make myself in society, kind of... I think most people do that without realizing it, and believe it is good since it is what everyone does (e.g. rape is bad so we shouldn't do it because it is bad and no other reason). So I decided to just be truthful to myself and not be influenced by other people (I did have some kind of "traumatizing" experience I guess...) Anyway, in the end, the more I think about the way I think and things I did in the past, I realize it coincides exactly with nihilism. So I'm like "oh, so I was doing something nihilist without even knowing it!"
and so now most of what I do/think can be related to nihilism, so I'm thinking I might just be nihilist in the end. That's more simple that way. But there is a contradiction for a nihilist to say he is a nihilist, so I can't say either I am one or not

brent: Meh
What's with the return to your past actions though?
Then again, maybe I think I have a clue.

me:oh, it's just thinking back about stuff I did

brent: people tend to regress and think about their past, if not identify and idealize with their past selves usually as a result of some sort of trauma
it's a form of navigation of that trauma. A good deal of people stay in that past though and never grow. that's the more unfortunate outcome, but if you can work out your trauma, it can be good
Again, I suppose we'll disagree on what's "good", but I'm going from the psychoanalytical viewpoint here

me: hmmm, I'd say it's more looking at my past to know more about the actions I did and be able not to make the same mistakes, so be a better person in the future
I think I always get into a better person, so I don't think of my past as something I want to go back in
but anyway, tell me if you have to go study or get sleep!!

brent: I'm okies, still working
Hrm, you just confused me
didn't you just say you looked back in your past and said that those actions were nihilistic?
And if your mistakes were tied to your nihilism, wouldn't it be better to move away from that?

me: no no, it's like I kept saying "I love you" to my first bf, but I didn't love him (or at least not with that kind of love), and I realize I was being nihilist of not loving him but yet wasn't truthful to him, so now I can be (more nihilist) and stop telling people that I "love" them when it isn't necessarily true
like I've always thought almost like a nihilist, but I didn't act as one. Now that I look back on these situations, I realize the difference between my thoughts and my actions, and see that I was nihilist in mind but not in physical life. Now I can learn from that and be completely nihilist... or is it what I want? do I have a choice since it is who I am? should I lie to myself and all others in order to be "normal" and have a normal life?

brent: Hrm
Well, Francis, I suppose it's alright to be a nihilist if that's what you want
I'm such an emotional person that I can't imagine thinking that way
How about Christina? You wrote an entire long essay how about much you love her?
I don't see you incapable of love at all

me: haha, I'm still a bit emotional I guess But I could write that for anyone... the more I know someone, the more I spend time with that person, and the more stuff I can say, but it doesn't mean I love her more than you (so don't be jealous! lol)
well it's this kind of altruist love...

brent: Lol, I'm not particularly jealous

me: (but it's not that I necessarily want to be nihilist, it's just that it's who I mostly am, and I want to be myself, not a product of other people)

brent: Is your nihilism a defense mechanism against something?

me: maybe

brent: I'll go ahead and say probably XD

me: I never thought of it that way, so I can't really answer...
hmmm... I'll have to investigate! thanks Brent for bringing that up

brent: also ironic is the fact that Nihilism is also a product of other people
The thing about a lot of teens who get interested in Nihilism and Ayn-Rand-ism is that they are often looking for a simple way of looking at life so they can defend themselves from both the beauty and complexity of human interaction

me: I think nihilism is not about making things simple, but about looking at them from every angle and do not believe it is more one thing than another. In my case, it is something fucking hard and long to do...
but no matter what people tell me, it doesn't make any sense to me until I really start thinking about it from different perspectives...

brent: don't you just have too much free time then! XD
I'm kidding. I like to look at different perspectives, too, but I suppose I still trust my gut feeling

me: maybe I don't have guts...?

brent: lol

me: maybe that's all my problem!

brent: Hrm, have you ever talked to a therapist before, Francis?

me: yeah, 3 times I think... about some stupid suicide I tried to do when I was 10...

brent: I wouldn't suggest "counselors", because they suck. I learned a lot from Psychotherapists because they teach you a lot
Meh, I considered the whole suicide thing a crazy number of times before when I was younger. Still unraveling why that impulse was so strong

me: are you saying I have a problem? but I'd prefer just read a book on psychology or talk to a friend about a specific point than have to tell all the long story of my life just to understand stuff that all my friends can tell me if I ask them (just like you did tonight). I'm writing a personal blog with all this stuff, it keeps record of it and makes me see progress (well I hope so )
well at that time my suicide thing was just to get some attention (hard when you're one of five kids and don't have many friends...)

brent: Yeah, it was the same case here
Meh, to be honest I think we all have problems
to varying degrees. I just tend to like talk therapy and talking about feelings and drives
I talk and process my feelings a lot, though, so traditional talk therapy wasn't as useful for me. but if you don't like to/don't have the opportunity to talk about your feelings and beliefs with a lot of people, a psychotherapist can help

me: well I'm writing this blog, if I ever go see a therapist s/he would have to read all my blog first!

brent: some will
traditional treatment is about 6months to a year, if not longer, so they have time to learn about you

me: but I really do think I am smart enough to answer my questions by myself and the stuff I get from other people around me. I'm not saying a therapist wouldn't help, it would but at the same time just talking to you for an hour and a half (already lol) is as useful, but much more practical!

3/17 Who I Am

I think I have reached a point where I have no other choice but to write down exactly who I think I am. It's been some time since I wanted to write this, and it might just bring me more into a depressed state, and it might take a really long time, but let's try.

So I am a French Canadian who was born and raised in a relatively nonwealthy family. My parents not having many friends (if not any), I have been influenced into a family-oriented closed relationship. Values were about equality of my siblings, acceptance of others differences, interest for scientific truth, playing together as five children, importance of family but liberty to dislike someone, rationality, some kind of atheism, environmental awareness, and freedom of choice.

As a kid, it was really difficult for me to make choices. For example, going to a buffet restaurant, we could use which ice cream to eat, but in the end, I didn't know which flavor (or color) I preferred. I would end up trying any or many in the same bowl. I much preferred when my parents (usually my mom) would choose for me. I think my dad would have been in the same dilemma when he had to choose for me, as he would never decide himself but would try to make me think about which one I "really" wanted. But honestly, green ice cream or red ice cream, I couldn't care less, and I don't think I really was starving for ice cream anyway. It was hard for me to say "I love this!" and still is. So in the end I could say that I am someone who doesn't like to choose because I do not hold any preference. Does it apply to everything, I don't think so, but it definitely holds true for most of the things.

I constantly change. I hate stability. When I was young my mom would say she wants change in the house, and she would do whatever she can to make it happen. My dad, on the other hand, liked to keep things stable as much as possible. I am not sure why, but at that time I decided to believe that my mom was right and not my dad. We were talking on the table, my mom and the kids, and she would say that dad doesn't want to change the house, but she wanted to renovate the basement. This is the only occurrence I remember of my mom taking a leader role in front of all of us, and giving her opinion about something. I might have just been influenced by her speech and brainwashed that she was right. And so I had to hold with my beliefs that my dad (that I probably didn't like that much at that time since he wasn't home too often, just like he wasn't home that night) was wrong in believing in stability, while my mom was right in believing in change. I am glad this kind of talk only happened once, but still it influenced my life way too much. Now I could say I would prefer change and not stationarity. I will try not to believe in this anymore, but I have been heavily influenced by my mom at that time.

I am also an altruist person, and not selfish. Even if I put myself first, it is because someone wants me and I do not want to be selfish with that person, hence I am selfish by asking that person to go. Being altruist only works out with other altruist people, or else it looks like it is a selfish behavior. I treat people equally, but more than that, I cannot spend too much time with the same person or else I feel like it is not fair for other. So maybe in the end I spend more time alone because of that. And it definitely comes from my childhood (my father would get a ruler to separate in perfectly equal parts the food we ate). Everyone needs to be equal, which means that no one can have a special treatment, I cannot love someone more than I love anyone else. And my altruist love makes me a selfish person from a selfish point of view.

As for sex, I was super interested in it, probably because it was something we were told not to do at a young age, yet we could look at books on it, while being teased. And drawings made it even more intriguing. If I had Internet at a younger age I would probably have been able to see more earlier and wouldn't have a need for more all the time. And obviously, I've never thought that sex was good or bad, yet I might have been trying to do/talk about it just to show people how they were stupid in the end. Because if it is neither good nor bad, why do people still try to hide it, and not talk about it freely?

Well I suppose it makes me a nihilist. Or I am a nihilist from the beginning and this description of me just show it. Here is a video which explain pretty well what is nihilism (well, moral nihilism to be exact). It is I think a bit hard to follow, but the concept itself is simple and logical.



So, in the end, who am I? I still haven't really answered the question, did I? Well, there is only one word that describes me best: nihilism. I could say I like video games, but it would be a lie. I could say I like music, but same problem. I don't like nor dislike anything in life. I enjoy different things, but I cannot choose one that specifically makes them special to me to the point that they define me in some ways. So what defines me are probably just a bunch of facts...

I am 6 feet, have black hair, black eyes, wear glasses, have few body hair except on legs, penis of 6 inches or a bit more, thin body but working out to make it bigger. I am studying at McGill University in East Asian Studies, I am waiting for my admission answer to study video game design, which I want to use to work in the video game industry. I like to listen to music all the time, or else I find there is something missing, as much as I don't like to "lose" my time to do "nothing", but prefer my head to be constantly challenged. I sexually prefer Asian people yet I enjoy any body. And some other things about me are on this blog. But at the same time, this description or this whole blog don't describe me at all. In less than a year it will all be expired, since I will already be "someone else", have different thoughts on the world, yet what will stay is this longing for difference.

Now I don't really know how a nihilist is supposed to live in a non-nihilist world... it is absolutely hard, and I hope this blog shows it to you.