I think I have reached a point where I have no other choice but to write down exactly who I think I am. It's been some time since I wanted to write this, and it might just bring me more into a depressed state, and it might take a really long time, but let's try.
So I am a French Canadian who was born and raised in a relatively nonwealthy family. My parents not having many friends (if not any), I have been influenced into a family-oriented closed relationship. Values were about equality of my siblings, acceptance of others differences, interest for scientific truth, playing together as five children, importance of family but liberty to dislike someone, rationality, some kind of atheism, environmental awareness, and freedom of choice.
As a kid, it was really difficult for me to make choices. For example, going to a buffet restaurant, we could use which ice cream to eat, but in the end, I didn't know which flavor (or color) I preferred. I would end up trying any or many in the same bowl. I much preferred when my parents (usually my mom) would choose for me. I think my dad would have been in the same dilemma when he had to choose for me, as he would never decide himself but would try to make me think about which one I "really" wanted. But honestly, green ice cream or red ice cream, I couldn't care less, and I don't think I really was starving for ice cream anyway. It was hard for me to say "I love this!" and still is. So in the end I could say that I am someone who doesn't like to choose because I do not hold any preference. Does it apply to everything, I don't think so, but it definitely holds true for most of the things.
I constantly change. I hate stability. When I was young my mom would say she wants change in the house, and she would do whatever she can to make it happen. My dad, on the other hand, liked to keep things stable as much as possible. I am not sure why, but at that time I decided to believe that my mom was right and not my dad. We were talking on the table, my mom and the kids, and she would say that dad doesn't want to change the house, but she wanted to renovate the basement. This is the only occurrence I remember of my mom taking a leader role in front of all of us, and giving her opinion about something. I might have just been influenced by her speech and brainwashed that she was right. And so I had to hold with my beliefs that my dad (that I probably didn't like that much at that time since he wasn't home too often, just like he wasn't home that night) was wrong in believing in stability, while my mom was right in believing in change. I am glad this kind of talk only happened once, but still it influenced my life way too much. Now I could say I would prefer change and not stationarity. I will try not to believe in this anymore, but I have been heavily influenced by my mom at that time.
I am also an altruist person, and not selfish. Even if I put myself first, it is because someone wants me and I do not want to be selfish with that person, hence I am selfish by asking that person to go. Being altruist only works out with other altruist people, or else it looks like it is a selfish behavior. I treat people equally, but more than that, I cannot spend too much time with the same person or else I feel like it is not fair for other. So maybe in the end I spend more time alone because of that. And it definitely comes from my childhood (my father would get a ruler to separate in perfectly equal parts the food we ate). Everyone needs to be equal, which means that no one can have a special treatment, I cannot love someone more than I love anyone else. And my altruist love makes me a selfish person from a selfish point of view.
As for sex, I was super interested in it, probably because it was something we were told not to do at a young age, yet we could look at books on it, while being teased. And drawings made it even more intriguing. If I had Internet at a younger age I would probably have been able to see more earlier and wouldn't have a need for more all the time. And obviously, I've never thought that sex was good or bad, yet I might have been trying to do/talk about it just to show people how they were stupid in the end. Because if it is neither good nor bad, why do people still try to hide it, and not talk about it freely?
Well I suppose it makes me a nihilist. Or I am a nihilist from the beginning and this description of me just show it. Here is a video which explain pretty well what is nihilism (well, moral nihilism to be exact). It is I think a bit hard to follow, but the concept itself is simple and logical.
So, in the end, who am I? I still haven't really answered the question, did I? Well, there is only one word that describes me best: nihilism. I could say I like video games, but it would be a lie. I could say I like music, but same problem. I don't like nor dislike anything in life. I enjoy different things, but I cannot choose one that specifically makes them special to me to the point that they define me in some ways. So what defines me are probably just a bunch of facts...
I am 6 feet, have black hair, black eyes, wear glasses, have few body hair except on legs, penis of 6 inches or a bit more, thin body but working out to make it bigger. I am studying at McGill University in East Asian Studies, I am waiting for my admission answer to study video game design, which I want to use to work in the video game industry. I like to listen to music all the time, or else I find there is something missing, as much as I don't like to "lose" my time to do "nothing", but prefer my head to be constantly challenged. I sexually prefer Asian people yet I enjoy any body. And some other things about me are on this blog. But at the same time, this description or this whole blog don't describe me at all. In less than a year it will all be expired, since I will already be "someone else", have different thoughts on the world, yet what will stay is this longing for difference.
Now I don't really know how a nihilist is supposed to live in a non-nihilist world... it is absolutely hard, and I hope this blog shows it to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment