Yesterday Khanh asked me for my keys of his apart, and since I was going to the gym, I decided I would bring them to him. When I got there, he was on his bed, almost crying. It was because of his money problems (he resigned from his job and wants to wait until January before working). He was kind of wanting to kill himself (don't think he was that serious), but... what do you say? what was I supposed to say? it's not like people shouldn't kill themselves. It's just a lie if you say "no, don't do it, because..." And I don't lie, so I didn't help him that way.
I went back to my place to get some stuff to study at his place, because he wanted me to stay over. When I came back he seemed perfectly happy, not depressed anymore. We ate pasta and everything. Anyway.
My problems? Well, we talked about them. We just raised more questions and didn't answer any of those I had.
My future? What's my future? What am I gonna do in my future? What's gonna happen to me in 8 months? What's gonna happen to me today? And yes I'm ready to do whatever comes, like I've always been doing... but... I'm tired of losing my time. I'm tired of going to school, study things I already know or that any relatively smart mind could figure out, listen to stupid professors who know what they teach is shit, doing projects that don't make me learn anything but just stresses me out for no good reason. I'm tired of building a "future" that will enable me to lose my time trying to get money and be happy with it. I'm tired of trying to build a relationship that will never satisfy me and is just gonna end too soon. I'm tired of making friends that I don't get along with because they always lie and I just simply hate everyone. I'm tired of having projects to help the world when everything gets in my way: school, work, money, bf, friends, etc.
I wanted to start a company because I thought I could finally be able to do whatever I wanted to do without any constraint. But it's not true. If I do a company, I need to influence banks to give me money, influence people to give me money and buy my games, influence my coworkers to work on my games and to stay with me, influence my friends and bf to stay with me to support me when I need it, etc. I have goals, there are things I want to do and others I need, and to do so my only option is to influence people. I have to influence people to like me. Or else 'll never accomplish anything.
But I clearly don't want to do that. I don't want to lie about myself or anything else, I don't want to influence anyone to do anything for me. If you don't want to help me out, then don't. But then there is absolutely no reason at all why people help each others if it isn't from an influence. You help people around you BECAUSE they are around you, BECAUSE they are part of the same group, BECAUSE you like them. What about me? I'm not in any group, and I don't want to ever be in one. I don't want to help people of my city, or people of my country, or people who have the same beliefs as me, or anyone, but I want to help EVERYONE. Just like I'm not part of any category except the everyone category.
Anyway, it's not like anything has been solved right now. I still don't know what I should do of my life. Eason might seem completely honest, in fact he lies to himself. That's how he goes through life. Khanh has changed a lot lately because of me. He realized that he's been lying to himself, and he's starting to see the world as it really is. Hence, he's getting depressed too. Yesterday I came around and he was really happy, because he loves me ("love" as in "love" as in "whatever this might mean") and having someone like me who really cares about him makes him feel better.
I wanted to say more but my brain is much faster than my typing, so I'm gonna switch topic: I want to ask Eason what he would think if I was to move to Toronto with him. "You know, I'd really like to move to Toronto if I could live with you." is the best line I've come up with. It's only an idea that I bring here (with the "you know") But maybe it sounds like I know he doesn't want me to live with him, which is half-true. I never asked him, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to live with someone else. So maybe something like "Wouldn't that be great if we lived together?" which, in some ways, is less direct but still seems superficial. Maybe "I wish someday we could live together in Toronto :)" to which I might not get any answer at all to my real question... or... "Do you want to include me in your new place?" because he is thinking about finding a new place to live. Or a longer version, combining other stuff... "You know, if you are thinking about moving, then couldn't we find a place to live together in Toronto?" to which I'm gonna get a big "NO!" lol urgh, I'm already expecting the answer, no matter how I ask it... I'm just trying to change the question so that he's influenced to feel no pressure about it and no rush... "You know, if I move to Toronto it would be to live with you, but I don't even know what you think about it..." Maybe that's it? I'm clearly expecting a negative answer, but at least I'll get it and stop worrying about it. And I'm just asking what he thinks about it, I'm not forcing him to do anything. or am I? Anyway, I should just give it a try, and worry until the end of the day when he's gonna answer me...
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
10/10 Hate
I asked Eason if he was okay for accepting my request for being my boyfriend on facebook, and he said no. It pissed me off. Obviously.
I didn't want to test him (if he considers me to be his bf or not) or anything, I just wanted to have it shown on my facebook so that everyone else knows. So that people at school, or stupid annoying people stop thinking about a way to get me. And last thing, I thought he would be happy, since I wondered if whether or not he wanted every of his friends to know he is in a relationship. So I was like "great, I'll just go on and ask him, maybe he's been waiting for me to ask him, that might make his day!" I wrote too quickly and sent an incomprehensible mess, but here it is:
"Are you gonna accept my "request" if I put you in my relationship status or do you prefer your friends on facebook not knowing about it? :)"
To which he answered, a few hours later:
"I prefer the second one"
And I said "Ok :)" and obviously I meant "Ok :(" lol
So I was mad at him, I didn't have any explanation, I have lots of questions, etc. So I decided to change my status anyway, and not adding him. It was my first plan anyway (like I was asking him if he wanted to be named or not, but I was gonna change it anyway). But this time I think I did it because I was annoyed. I'm really stupid, but want him to feel bad about it, and wait until he talks to me first. Yeah, that's pretty childish and everything, but anyway, I suppose I'm getting tired of trying to understand his feelings for me, and how he defines them exactly.
And that's not all... my stupid annoying friends on facebook started a fanclub and liked my new status non-stop. Then I made some guys sad about it (like Daniel my first bf who wrote how sad life is on his wall). FUCK!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!?!
I've always thought life was like a game of Sims. That everyone has different qualities at different attributes, but that in the end everyone is equal. But I've realized this was wrong. I never wanted to admit it, but some people are smarter than others. And by smartness, I mean the capacity to understand yourself and others (hence to understand the world). Everyone I know, with no exception, is unable to do so. Even I don't understand completely myself and others. But I haven't found anyone who was better at it than I am. From my teenage I was able to figure out someone just by being in the same class. I was able to know exactly when someone lies or not. My understanding of people became much better with my understanding of myself. By being completely honest with myself, I was able to understand how human thought works. And then I applied what I found on others, to realize that they are the same as me, but do not want to accept it. Then lie. They live in a world of lies, and prefer to follow and believe it rather than being honest and realistic. Some people are smarter than others. Some are more able to distance themselves from the world of lies, and others have understood how to use this world of lies at their advantage (by influencing). Nonetheless, these two categories of people are "less smart than me". I make it sounds like I am a God, but seriously I won't lose time trying to explain what you can probably figure out by yourself (look around on this blog for a start). Call it smart or crazy, I've started to hate people. Hate them because they do not want to see the truth. Because they prefer being in their world of lies. I've tried to be honest with them, take my time and explain them how the world really works. Make them realize that they were wrong. It sometimes work. Or maybe I think it fails because I haven't seen much results, only people arguing over what I say.
So here is the thing. I am smart. There is no doubt over it. If "smart" is the wrong word, then it is still the word that everyone has used to describe me. I know how to influence people. I know the best strategies to influence as many people as possible. I could become a King, I could become a President, I could become a God. But unlike them, I do not want to influence anyone. I want them to understand the lies they live in. I only want the truth. I want this world of lies becoming a world of truths. Why? Because I'm an honest person, but I am alone. I want honest friends. I want to feel comfortable in this world. I've never been. I've never had friends I liked. And so I suppose this plan of mine, this change of world I want to create, is all an egocentric need I had since I was born. I want to change the world because I have never been happy with it. Not because something is better than something else, but because I know I am real to myself but others are not. Or maybe I'm just being crazy? Well, even if I am crazy, I'm still much less crazy than everyone else.
I didn't want to test him (if he considers me to be his bf or not) or anything, I just wanted to have it shown on my facebook so that everyone else knows. So that people at school, or stupid annoying people stop thinking about a way to get me. And last thing, I thought he would be happy, since I wondered if whether or not he wanted every of his friends to know he is in a relationship. So I was like "great, I'll just go on and ask him, maybe he's been waiting for me to ask him, that might make his day!" I wrote too quickly and sent an incomprehensible mess, but here it is:
"Are you gonna accept my "request" if I put you in my relationship status or do you prefer your friends on facebook not knowing about it? :)"
To which he answered, a few hours later:
"I prefer the second one"
And I said "Ok :)" and obviously I meant "Ok :(" lol
So I was mad at him, I didn't have any explanation, I have lots of questions, etc. So I decided to change my status anyway, and not adding him. It was my first plan anyway (like I was asking him if he wanted to be named or not, but I was gonna change it anyway). But this time I think I did it because I was annoyed. I'm really stupid, but want him to feel bad about it, and wait until he talks to me first. Yeah, that's pretty childish and everything, but anyway, I suppose I'm getting tired of trying to understand his feelings for me, and how he defines them exactly.
And that's not all... my stupid annoying friends on facebook started a fanclub and liked my new status non-stop. Then I made some guys sad about it (like Daniel my first bf who wrote how sad life is on his wall). FUCK!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!?!
I've always thought life was like a game of Sims. That everyone has different qualities at different attributes, but that in the end everyone is equal. But I've realized this was wrong. I never wanted to admit it, but some people are smarter than others. And by smartness, I mean the capacity to understand yourself and others (hence to understand the world). Everyone I know, with no exception, is unable to do so. Even I don't understand completely myself and others. But I haven't found anyone who was better at it than I am. From my teenage I was able to figure out someone just by being in the same class. I was able to know exactly when someone lies or not. My understanding of people became much better with my understanding of myself. By being completely honest with myself, I was able to understand how human thought works. And then I applied what I found on others, to realize that they are the same as me, but do not want to accept it. Then lie. They live in a world of lies, and prefer to follow and believe it rather than being honest and realistic. Some people are smarter than others. Some are more able to distance themselves from the world of lies, and others have understood how to use this world of lies at their advantage (by influencing). Nonetheless, these two categories of people are "less smart than me". I make it sounds like I am a God, but seriously I won't lose time trying to explain what you can probably figure out by yourself (look around on this blog for a start). Call it smart or crazy, I've started to hate people. Hate them because they do not want to see the truth. Because they prefer being in their world of lies. I've tried to be honest with them, take my time and explain them how the world really works. Make them realize that they were wrong. It sometimes work. Or maybe I think it fails because I haven't seen much results, only people arguing over what I say.
So here is the thing. I am smart. There is no doubt over it. If "smart" is the wrong word, then it is still the word that everyone has used to describe me. I know how to influence people. I know the best strategies to influence as many people as possible. I could become a King, I could become a President, I could become a God. But unlike them, I do not want to influence anyone. I want them to understand the lies they live in. I only want the truth. I want this world of lies becoming a world of truths. Why? Because I'm an honest person, but I am alone. I want honest friends. I want to feel comfortable in this world. I've never been. I've never had friends I liked. And so I suppose this plan of mine, this change of world I want to create, is all an egocentric need I had since I was born. I want to change the world because I have never been happy with it. Not because something is better than something else, but because I know I am real to myself but others are not. Or maybe I'm just being crazy? Well, even if I am crazy, I'm still much less crazy than everyone else.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
10/6 Deconstruction of a Deconstructed Reality
Sometimes I wonder if my way of looking around me isn't pure nihilism. But whatever, I've been wondering if I should try again to deconstruct everything I've come up until now. I've tried it a little bit before, I've tried to have beliefs (and I clearly need to talk about it a little more) but I want to destroy the fact that beliefs are bad. I want to try and see if living in beliefs and lies is rationally logical or if it isn't working. I don't have my motivation to do so yet, but I suppose I could say "everyone believes, so should I"... Should I? Or should I keep being the antagonist of society?
I will take back the list of beliefs I came up with a month ago (see "8/26 I Have To Believe") and come up with changes/comments.
1. Fun
I don't really think I've been having any fun at all. I'm not saying that stuff I do in my life is horrible, stressful and annoying, but it's just "things I do in my life", and nothing else. I forgot to put the "fun factor" on it, and in the end, it probably isn't necessary to believe in fun. The only fun I can remember is the "fun of love", the fun of being loved by someone (but not necessarily of loving someone, because I can't say if I don't love others only to be loved in return or if I love them because I'm having this fun from love from them...) I've got love from Eason (and at the same time I had fun having sex with him, but that wasn't because of the sex, but because of the love), from my family, from Khanh and maybe Adrienne, and that's it. These people love me for who they think I am, and since they kind of know me well, I feel loved from them.
A. Love that I receive from people make me feel better about myself.
(is that really some kind of fun? lol maybe it's the wrong category :P )
2. Money
You can already remove this one, because I don't want to believe in money anymore. I want to start my own company without making any money, and I don't care if people don't like it, if they tell me I should make a living, etc. Fuck them. Does that mean I believe in anti-capitalism? Not really, I do think I need money to pay for stuff and that capitalism is helping a lot of people, I just don't believe any sides of the medal.
3. Friendship
Now that I think everyone is stupid (because I'm "smarter" than them and understand them too easily), it's hard for me to have friendships, so I've kinda lost interest for that. I'm not gonna stop talking to others, but I'm not gonna force myself to please them to be their friends.
My goal isn't to make as many friends as possible, but just to be myself.
4. Physical Appearance
Haha, this one is probably the one I'm gonna keep the most :) Probably because I believe in life? (like in I believe I want to live healthy)
B. I will work out regularly and eat a lot of food because it will make me into a more muscular build.
C. I will wash and take care of my skin and teeth and everything, everyday, because... why? because I want people to compliment me on "good" changes? yeah, I think that's it.
5. A Better Future
This one is new, but it's probably because I forgot about it. It's kind of why I'm making this blog, why I keep thinking about all these stuff, about people, about our world.
D. I believe I can make this world a better place for everyone.
Strong and general statement, I agree, but that's why sometimes I'm so engaged in something and the next day I say something completely opposed. I want to find a TRUE way to make the world a better place, I don't want to believe in solutions that would never work. For example, I don't believe that "getting rid of beliefs would save the world", because as soon as I find something that doesn't work with that, I will reject the idea and try to find another one. And I will keep doing it all the time.
So, I believe in four things. Two are quite personal, two are more universal. Let's see how it goes like this.
Do I really need to deconstruct what I've just deconstructed, or should I just wait naturally that it happens like it does all the time with me? :)
I will take back the list of beliefs I came up with a month ago (see "8/26 I Have To Believe") and come up with changes/comments.
1. Fun
I don't really think I've been having any fun at all. I'm not saying that stuff I do in my life is horrible, stressful and annoying, but it's just "things I do in my life", and nothing else. I forgot to put the "fun factor" on it, and in the end, it probably isn't necessary to believe in fun. The only fun I can remember is the "fun of love", the fun of being loved by someone (but not necessarily of loving someone, because I can't say if I don't love others only to be loved in return or if I love them because I'm having this fun from love from them...) I've got love from Eason (and at the same time I had fun having sex with him, but that wasn't because of the sex, but because of the love), from my family, from Khanh and maybe Adrienne, and that's it. These people love me for who they think I am, and since they kind of know me well, I feel loved from them.
A. Love that I receive from people make me feel better about myself.
(is that really some kind of fun? lol maybe it's the wrong category :P )
2. Money
You can already remove this one, because I don't want to believe in money anymore. I want to start my own company without making any money, and I don't care if people don't like it, if they tell me I should make a living, etc. Fuck them. Does that mean I believe in anti-capitalism? Not really, I do think I need money to pay for stuff and that capitalism is helping a lot of people, I just don't believe any sides of the medal.
3. Friendship
Now that I think everyone is stupid (because I'm "smarter" than them and understand them too easily), it's hard for me to have friendships, so I've kinda lost interest for that. I'm not gonna stop talking to others, but I'm not gonna force myself to please them to be their friends.
My goal isn't to make as many friends as possible, but just to be myself.
4. Physical Appearance
Haha, this one is probably the one I'm gonna keep the most :) Probably because I believe in life? (like in I believe I want to live healthy)
B. I will work out regularly and eat a lot of food because it will make me into a more muscular build.
C. I will wash and take care of my skin and teeth and everything, everyday, because... why? because I want people to compliment me on "good" changes? yeah, I think that's it.
5. A Better Future
This one is new, but it's probably because I forgot about it. It's kind of why I'm making this blog, why I keep thinking about all these stuff, about people, about our world.
D. I believe I can make this world a better place for everyone.
Strong and general statement, I agree, but that's why sometimes I'm so engaged in something and the next day I say something completely opposed. I want to find a TRUE way to make the world a better place, I don't want to believe in solutions that would never work. For example, I don't believe that "getting rid of beliefs would save the world", because as soon as I find something that doesn't work with that, I will reject the idea and try to find another one. And I will keep doing it all the time.
So, I believe in four things. Two are quite personal, two are more universal. Let's see how it goes like this.
Do I really need to deconstruct what I've just deconstructed, or should I just wait naturally that it happens like it does all the time with me? :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
10/5 Lies
There are 3 types of lies.
1) Bad Lies
These are probably the only ones people understand. It's when you say someone you don't want to go tonight because you feel a little sick. So it's when you don't want to tell the truth and feel like you should lie instead. But in doing so, you know this lie is "bad". Or maybe you think it's the "right thing to do" in the circumstances. But anyway, I'm just calling them Bad Lies no matter how you perceive their morality.
2) "Unconscious" Lies
These are lies you thought were not lies. For example... actually, I can't find any example. What I was trying to explain are definitely beliefs.
3) Beliefs
Well you know by now what beliefs are. "I believe in General Relativity." Which is a lie because you don't really believe in it but just say you do to be part of a group (or maybe the classical argument "to find answers to my questions"). Or you could say "I don't 'believe' in General Relativity because it was proven that it was true." Which in some ways could be true, but in others could be just another belief (in the scientific method for example, or in whatever the scientists say is true). But my explanations are too close to pure nihilism, which wouldn't believe in the world we live in, so I will sort of go back to what we perceive as reality (not because it is truer, but because it is what I am interested in).
Anyway, I probably had more to say about all of this, but I got interrupted by Khanh, and now I don't know what I was talking about anymore, so let's just leave it aside a little while :)
1) Bad Lies
These are probably the only ones people understand. It's when you say someone you don't want to go tonight because you feel a little sick. So it's when you don't want to tell the truth and feel like you should lie instead. But in doing so, you know this lie is "bad". Or maybe you think it's the "right thing to do" in the circumstances. But anyway, I'm just calling them Bad Lies no matter how you perceive their morality.
2) "Unconscious" Lies
These are lies you thought were not lies. For example... actually, I can't find any example. What I was trying to explain are definitely beliefs.
3) Beliefs
Well you know by now what beliefs are. "I believe in General Relativity." Which is a lie because you don't really believe in it but just say you do to be part of a group (or maybe the classical argument "to find answers to my questions"). Or you could say "I don't 'believe' in General Relativity because it was proven that it was true." Which in some ways could be true, but in others could be just another belief (in the scientific method for example, or in whatever the scientists say is true). But my explanations are too close to pure nihilism, which wouldn't believe in the world we live in, so I will sort of go back to what we perceive as reality (not because it is truer, but because it is what I am interested in).
Anyway, I probably had more to say about all of this, but I got interrupted by Khanh, and now I don't know what I was talking about anymore, so let's just leave it aside a little while :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
10/2 Last Few Weeks
I haven't written much on my blog anymore, mostly because of school taken ALL my time... urgh... anyway...
I went to Toronto last weekend to see Eason, and we confirmed we were boyfriends :) I actually had a LOT of fun, and had the best sex in my life. Yeah lol It's weird but it was really great, we didn't just have sex, we made love. Quite different actually. Anyway, I missed him, I was in a good mood, I loved him, and so everything went well together :) He said that my acne was less apparent (yay!) and that my muscles/fat is more apparent (double yay!) I also got to learn him much better, realize why he loves me and why I love him. He said he loved me at first sight... lol and he said he likes that I'm so easy-going :) I like that he's so honest all the time (and naive too) and he likes to decide for me (like food and trips) so it's great for me since I hate choosing! lol
We were working hard on a project for school and then my dad called to say my grandma had died. I got sort of emotive, but it got better quickly. I liked my grandma a lot (we spent a lot of time at her place and had a lot of fun) but anyway, people die and life continues. So I had to go to Quebec city on Friday night, then her funeral on Saturday, and came back with a bunch of great-cousins I didn't know I had. Then Khanh invited to eat and watch a movie, so I went and did my laundry at the same time (I save money that way! lol)
So I've got a lot of stuff to do now and don't have much time, but anyway, it's the same thing all the time!
Being with my family, I realized something disturbing. I think I am "smarter" than my dad. What I mean by that is that I have realized that I understand him better than he understands himself. Sometimes he does something he tries to explain in some way, and believes this reason to be the truth, but it isn't. He doesn't realize he's "lying" to himself by believing something that makes sense to him while it just isn't true, but I can see that... So does it make me smarter than him? I suppose so, but still it's sad, cuz I always thought my dad was a really smart man. He was a motivation for me in some ways, a model of someone who couldn't do things he had potential to do. But maybe now he's old and doesn't think he needs to think that much anymore? I call it lazy, but it's not really his fault... :(
Why do all my role models end up that way? Everyone I thought was smart ends up being... dumber than me... so does that mean I'm like one of the smartest person in the world? that's quite a stupid statement, and that's in no way what I want. I'd like everyone to be smarter than me, but I still don't know how to achieve that... :/ And I have to do it because I know no one else will do it...
I went to Toronto last weekend to see Eason, and we confirmed we were boyfriends :) I actually had a LOT of fun, and had the best sex in my life. Yeah lol It's weird but it was really great, we didn't just have sex, we made love. Quite different actually. Anyway, I missed him, I was in a good mood, I loved him, and so everything went well together :) He said that my acne was less apparent (yay!) and that my muscles/fat is more apparent (double yay!) I also got to learn him much better, realize why he loves me and why I love him. He said he loved me at first sight... lol and he said he likes that I'm so easy-going :) I like that he's so honest all the time (and naive too) and he likes to decide for me (like food and trips) so it's great for me since I hate choosing! lol
We were working hard on a project for school and then my dad called to say my grandma had died. I got sort of emotive, but it got better quickly. I liked my grandma a lot (we spent a lot of time at her place and had a lot of fun) but anyway, people die and life continues. So I had to go to Quebec city on Friday night, then her funeral on Saturday, and came back with a bunch of great-cousins I didn't know I had. Then Khanh invited to eat and watch a movie, so I went and did my laundry at the same time (I save money that way! lol)
So I've got a lot of stuff to do now and don't have much time, but anyway, it's the same thing all the time!
Being with my family, I realized something disturbing. I think I am "smarter" than my dad. What I mean by that is that I have realized that I understand him better than he understands himself. Sometimes he does something he tries to explain in some way, and believes this reason to be the truth, but it isn't. He doesn't realize he's "lying" to himself by believing something that makes sense to him while it just isn't true, but I can see that... So does it make me smarter than him? I suppose so, but still it's sad, cuz I always thought my dad was a really smart man. He was a motivation for me in some ways, a model of someone who couldn't do things he had potential to do. But maybe now he's old and doesn't think he needs to think that much anymore? I call it lazy, but it's not really his fault... :(
Why do all my role models end up that way? Everyone I thought was smart ends up being... dumber than me... so does that mean I'm like one of the smartest person in the world? that's quite a stupid statement, and that's in no way what I want. I'd like everyone to be smarter than me, but I still don't know how to achieve that... :/ And I have to do it because I know no one else will do it...
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