2/12 I Want To Be Strong, But I Am Weak

I was discussing this with Khanh last night (I slept at his place because I was too tired), but the reason why I am trying to grow muscles is because I want to look stronger. Why? Because I think that a man is supposed to be strong, and if he is not, then there is something wrong.

Ugh, I wanted to say more about this but I'm really tired right now (didn't sleep so well...) so I might just finish my oatmeal and go back to sleep!

2/8 Not Answering

After yesterday's post, I've been thinking about this issue a bit more.

First thing, sometimes when I talk to someone I don't get any answer. That usually means that they don't want to talk to me anymore. Which is weird since they used to talk to me much more. So why is that? Well, I'm not entirely sure. But it is true that sometimes I stop talking to some people (well I tell them that I'm not interested anymore) because I realized that I did not like them. For example, there is Yifan, who I thought was a cool guy, but who was in reality a really stupid person. Well I told him I was only interested in being friends, and that's what happened. Well, if he talks to me, I will always answer. And if he wants to meet me, well I'll have to say no, because I have other things to do and hanging out with my friends is not that important right now. And then, after some time that I haven't seen one of my friend, we start not being friends anymore, and that stops there. But it seems like these people who don't answer me want to stop their friendship right away, just like this. Oh well, I suppose it's just that they are not really honest and do not understand that they are not interested in me anymore... Does it suck for them? No. Does it suck for me? Oh yes. :(

I suppose I'm really scared of being rejected. Maybe that's because I've been rejected so much when I was a kid. And now I want a "normal life", so I want people to like me. For example, I was a really shy person, so I tried to become more sociable, and I think I did it. I talk much more now, I'm not scared of meeting people I don't know, of saying what I think, etc. People thought I had a weak body so I worked out to show them that I could be strong. People like good looking people, so I've taken care of my appearance. Etc. All the time, I want people to like me. Is it working? I don't think so. Maybe...

Oh, and Ricardo finally answered me. He's talking in a friendly way, which I wasn't expecting at all. Well, that's cool! :)

Second thing, I need a lot of attention. That's probably because I don't have many friends or not close friends or whatever. But when I meet someone, I keep texting that person over and over again. And so, naturally, they get tired of me I suppose... :S Not a good thing when I want people to like me... Oh well, I suppose I'll find a way to text a bit less, or at least I should try :)

ok, that's it for today! gonna go back to my stuff!

2/7 Always Have To Do Everything

Ugh... I had insomnia last night, again... I took the two last pills, but they don't seem to work anymore... So I woke up to drink milk, and that probably did it... I also texted Ricardo at 1am, told him that I would just go away if we didn't meet more often (it's been two weeks) and I read his answer when I woke up, he said that he's sorry, he doesn't have time for dating... wow, what a great way to start a day.

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I really am completely lost. I really think I want a bf, someone to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. I want someone to spend good time with. But all I get are people too busy with their lives or people I'm not interested in. Am I difficult? I'm not asking for Mr. Perfect, not at all, yet all those Mr. Good = Mr. Busy... wtf is wrong?

I always have to do everything. And it never works out. If I want a friend to talk to me, I have to talk to them first. I'm always the first one to text, the first one to chat, etc. Does it show how much people like me? Well sure it does. So why don't people like me? I have no idea. I'm definitely not perfect, but I also think I'm a great person.

Maybe I'm no fun... I mean, I don't really believe in fun anymore, so any activity has become quite boring for me. Well in fact, I don't like to go out anymore. I don't like to party, I don't like to spend time with my friends, etc. That's probably why people don't like me lol No wait, that isn't funny. :(

Well I suppose what I want is have a friend or boyfriend who I like and who likes me. For now, I have one: Khanh. Well, I'm glad, but I want more... Because I really feel lonely...

:(

But I'm so tired of looking for someone like that. Why don't they find me instead? Why can't I just relax a little bit?

I'm so tired of all the shit happening to me... :(

1/31 Found It!

So I think I finally found the solution to this problem...

Rodrigo didn't know what he was looking for. So when he met me, he thought I was what he wanted, he thought I was one of the best guy he spent time with. But then, after some time, he realized that I wasn't what he was looking for. So he wanted to stop it.

When I came back to see him, he wanted me to stay, because he felt like I was who he wanted to be with. But then he came to realize I was not, and so he asked me to leave. He didn't know about this (about his not-knowing of what kind of guys he likes), so he didn't know how to react to me, who was still trying to spend time with him.

So it resolves to saying that he didn't think about this stuff in detail. So it's almost saying that he cannot think too much, hence that he isn't smart... An answer I don't really like. But let's just say he has been thinking about other stuff while other people, like me, have been thinking about the kind of people they want in a relationship.

I suppose now that I've found this I should be able to sleep well now. And I suppose I forgive him. He was not lying to me, he just didn't know.

Well, let's see how long this theory will last!

1/29 The End

Yeah, I know, I was supposed to wait more... but I texted Rodrigo, just asking him how he was doing. I got no answer.

Hence it is my answer.

He is too coward to tell me that he's over with me.

Man, he sucks.

I mean, I used to be like that before, but... he's 38yo for christ's sake. And I'm more mature than him?

Wow.

At least now I know that I'm more mature than I thought I was.

Does that mean it's the end of this story? Does that mean I should move on and get over him?

Well, I suppose so. At least now I know he doesn't like me.

And it's not like it's the first time something like this has happened to me. So hopefully I'll get over it quite quickly. Now that I finally figured him out.

1/28 Asexuality

Wow, I'm writing a lot lately. It might mean I'm getting better... though I really feel like I'm still really depressed... anyway...

Khanh said something some time ago, at the end of the summer I think. He said that I could be asexual. Obviously I thought it was a funny idea, and I thought it would be cool if I was (cuz you know, I always want to be different from what is considered to be "normal"). But because of my reaction last night, and some more thoughts, I realized that I don't actually enjoy having sex. There are a few instances where I've like it.

For example, cuming in someone's mouth. This is something that really excites me, but not for sexual reasons. I find it exciting because it is dangerous, it is unprotected sex, I could make the other guy sick, etc. One could think that this is pure anarchism: I like to go against the rules. While it is true, I never force the guys I sleep with to do anything. I always ask before. And when they actually swallow my cum, it's because they've asked me before. So I do it because they like it. And I like it at the same time because it's dangerous, it could make the guy sick, it is "wrong", etc.

Another thing I like... well, you probably saw it coming... yeah, bareback! Well I have penetrated only one guy and only once without a condom, and it was Eason (it's described somewhere here on my blog...) I felt so excited doing it, until the smell was too much and I had to stop... And the next day I felt bad about it, because I already knew it was not healthy (hence "bad") to do. But the fact is, I liked doing it.

And then with Rodrigo, same thing happened. Well, no, it was different. But after he penetrated me bareback, I started thinking that it was really serious between us. Something like "well if he did it bareback it means he trusts me and wants to keep sleeping with me and no one else". dammit. I keep thinking about him again... :(

Anyway, other than that, I don't remember so much instances that made me thrill when I had sex. I like to have an orgasm, I like my penis to be masturbated, I like when my prostate is touched, but other than that, what I like in sex is not related to physical pleasure. Well what I like about sex is making my partner happy. It doesn't matter if I don't like it, as long as they do, I'll be satisfied. So it's like an acting, I try to do my best for the guy to like it. And all I gain from it is the satisfaction to have pleased my partner. Yup, that's how I have sex.

So, does that make me asexual? Well I have no idea. I won't just go and start saying I'm asexual or something. It's just an interesting idea to look at, and that's what I've started to do.

1/28 Dang

Dang! I'm still thinking about him. I mean all the time. I'm like trying to find the best way to try again with him. Well I talked to him on facebook last week, so it's been a week since we talked, and I was planning on waiting a little bit longer to make him miss me, then probably call him and ask him if he wanted to meet somewhere, like for coffee or a restaurant, just to talk about what's been happening in our lives, and at the same time trick him into remembering how much he missed me, how great I am, etc. etc. And if he refuses to meet, well at least on the phone I'll have him say that it's over, even if he's a coward and doesn't want to say it... So maybe that will help me understand it really is over.

I know comparing two people isn't considered to be the best solution when in love, and the last time I did that was over Daishi and Kenny, I liked Kenny more but he didn't like me so I ended up with Daishi... Anyway, that's kind of what I'm doing right now. I'm comparing Rodrigo to Ricardo. Well, both have a lot of similarities, they are latino, older than me, have larger bodies than me, are nice and blablabla. And even if I doubt there is any chance with Rodrigo, and a lot with Ricardo, I still prefer Rodrigo. If I could choose between the two, I'd go for Rodrigo for sure. But I can't choose. I'm stuck with the second option. How awesome is that...

I'm not trying to say Ricardo is a bad person, honestly I don't know him that well yet, but he seems like a fantastic guy. It's just that I'm not over Rodrigo yet, so he keeps popping in my head all the time. And yes, it's as if I wanted my next boyfriend to be exactly like Rodrigo, hence why both are so much similar (that's because that's what I was looking for).

Well, what should I do? I should probably get a straight answer from Rodrigo. Or wait a little bit more to see how things go.

lol I just went to look at his profile... it seems like last time he logged in was yesterday. So he's probably looking for a guy on the website... someone to replace me I suppose. Well, maybe he did sleep with some other guy, so maybe I should stop worrying and leave him alone.

But it's just so hard after all he did to me, all I'm sure was honest. It's really shitty to be rejected from someone you love. Dang.