1/28 Asexuality

Wow, I'm writing a lot lately. It might mean I'm getting better... though I really feel like I'm still really depressed... anyway...

Khanh said something some time ago, at the end of the summer I think. He said that I could be asexual. Obviously I thought it was a funny idea, and I thought it would be cool if I was (cuz you know, I always want to be different from what is considered to be "normal"). But because of my reaction last night, and some more thoughts, I realized that I don't actually enjoy having sex. There are a few instances where I've like it.

For example, cuming in someone's mouth. This is something that really excites me, but not for sexual reasons. I find it exciting because it is dangerous, it is unprotected sex, I could make the other guy sick, etc. One could think that this is pure anarchism: I like to go against the rules. While it is true, I never force the guys I sleep with to do anything. I always ask before. And when they actually swallow my cum, it's because they've asked me before. So I do it because they like it. And I like it at the same time because it's dangerous, it could make the guy sick, it is "wrong", etc.

Another thing I like... well, you probably saw it coming... yeah, bareback! Well I have penetrated only one guy and only once without a condom, and it was Eason (it's described somewhere here on my blog...) I felt so excited doing it, until the smell was too much and I had to stop... And the next day I felt bad about it, because I already knew it was not healthy (hence "bad") to do. But the fact is, I liked doing it.

And then with Rodrigo, same thing happened. Well, no, it was different. But after he penetrated me bareback, I started thinking that it was really serious between us. Something like "well if he did it bareback it means he trusts me and wants to keep sleeping with me and no one else". dammit. I keep thinking about him again... :(

Anyway, other than that, I don't remember so much instances that made me thrill when I had sex. I like to have an orgasm, I like my penis to be masturbated, I like when my prostate is touched, but other than that, what I like in sex is not related to physical pleasure. Well what I like about sex is making my partner happy. It doesn't matter if I don't like it, as long as they do, I'll be satisfied. So it's like an acting, I try to do my best for the guy to like it. And all I gain from it is the satisfaction to have pleased my partner. Yup, that's how I have sex.

So, does that make me asexual? Well I have no idea. I won't just go and start saying I'm asexual or something. It's just an interesting idea to look at, and that's what I've started to do.