12/29 All Alone

Ugh, I know it sounds pathetic, but anyway, most of the stuff here is all like this lol

I really miss Rodrigo. Just on the radio they asked "If you could kiss anyone in the world on New Year's Eve, who would it be?" Lol Who do you think I would like to kiss?

And then I remembered the time we watched a movie together. I'd like to think all he wanted from me was sex, but hey... it's clearly illogical. So I guess he was looking for sex and time with someone else.

Well, here's the thing: I'm all alone. Just like I've always been.

:'(

12/27 Inconsistency

From all the shit that's been happening in my life lately, I am made to use my trump card: inconsistency. Beware of angry Francis, and don't be sad if I hurt you. You deserved it.

12/26 WTF!?

So I went to see my family (well only my dad and siblings) and I wasn't so much sick, and since I had a pump for asthma, I got back pretty well :)

So I came back yesterday, felt really lonely for Christmas, so I decided I should hookup, ended up really far from town to a guy's place. The guy was really... well, he was "dumb", though I don;t mean it in a bad way or anything. He didn't talk much an had a poker face, but he liked a lot lol we slept together, and that's pretty much it. He made a really good peanut butter sandwich for breakfast lol He was really a cool guy, the kind of people there was in my high school classes, so it was cool. I ended up back to my place pretty tired from lack of sleep, and tried to sleep but couldn't since the neighbors had kids and were making so much noise lol

Tonight I was supposed to hookup with a black muscled guy who's a drug addict, so I thought I could try at the same time, but he didn't answer me yet, so I'm guessing I'll stay here tonight (and I'm pretty tired...)

Anyway, then I went on manhunt and guess who looked at my profile? Yeah, that fucking bastard... e hasn't answered my latest texts, he just doesn't care about me at all, but he looks at my profile. No, I don't think that's the worst part, the fact that he is online on that website means a lot... probably looking for another boy who is just gonna be a fuckfriend and won't start loving him... or maybe he will and he'll be a hypocrite like he was with me... oh shit I really hate him now... yet I'm still sad and clearly not over this.

I swore to myself I wouldn't fall in love with anyone starting from now, so at least I learned something from the bitch.

12/23 So Tired

Well, first, I really have to give up on Rodrigo. He doesn't answer me, and it's just because he doesn't have guts to tell me what he really thinks of me. Anyway, I'll just leave him alone, and stop trying.

I'm gonna go see Khanh in an hour or so, it kinda stresses me out a little bit, but it should be fine. We're gonna go to a Japanese non-sushi restaurant, so it should be good! I'll bring him some cookies I made :)

Yifan kept texting me the other night, before he left for China for two weeks. Well, everyone is leaving in the next few days, so I'm gonna be all alone lol But anyway, I don't really like him, but I still liked having sex, so that's what I miss from him, nothing else...

Tomorrow I'm going to my hometown to see my family (I probably won't see my mom, but anyway...) so I need to wake up pretty early (7am). Then I'll be sick, won't be able to breath normally, I'll go sleep at my older brother's place, and back in the morning to my dad's place and then leaving at noon back here!

Kinda weird, for some reasons I want to see my family but for others I don't want to. I don't want to go there and be sick, but I don't have a choice :( anyway...

Then with school... ugh... I got put into possibly the worst team ever... So I'm gonna have to do a game next semester with people who are really really dumb (well, all except one...) Not sure I really want to. If all this gives is a game for my portfolio... well, I can do something much better without 4 other names on it... so yeah, I'm thinking about making my own portfolio during the break, and then look intensively for a job, and stop school when I get one.

So yeah, I'm really really tired since yesterday, I still can't pee properly (it hurts so much... :S ) and everything seems to be going so bad... seriously I just want to cry right now... I'm so tired of my life...

12/20 French

I'm correcting the parts of my teammates... they wrote in French, but it's plainly disgusting... I mean, if that's the kind of papers they hand in, no wonder why I get so many good grades... What they write is not even logical, it's just a shitty argumentation from high school... ugh... and obviously I am supposed to put all this mess together and make it sound better? lol

12/19 Wait For Life to Make Me

So I guess in the end I didn't lose Khanh... that's great! lol But I'm not really in the mood for celebration. I think it showed us how we don't get along well sometimes... not sure what it might mean, but anyway... let's just keep living and see what happens.

I wish the same would happen for Rodrigo... like he texts me and asks if I want to come over... lol not sure this will happen... he is super busy until the 25th, so... maybe afterwards, but I kinda doubt it :( anyway, until then I don't think I should do much... just wait.

There are some who jump into life to get what they want... but I suppose all I can do now is wait for life to make me... kinda sad :(

And I was listening to Hung Up by Madonna... lol the lyrics are just about my life :)

12/19 Good Luck!

Khanh invited me for dinner this week, before I leave and before he does. He seemed okay, but not necessarily so much enthusiastic. Anyway, that's it. I'm off to write these papers. I finished writing my parts in one (but didn't review it), and I have around 3 pages (out of 10) of the other... At the speed I'm going, it seems like I won't finish in time lol

Good luck to myself!

12/18 Hate School

I'm never gonna make it... I have so much left to do and only two-three days left... I don't even have inspiration anymore to write anything... Ugh... The school system really is stupid... I hate it.

And obviously Rodrigo doesn't answer, Khanh doesn't say anything... seriously, when school is finished, I don't think I'll have much motivation for anything... I feel like I'm just a plastic bag drifting through the wind (lol Katy Perry). I just do what I'm supposed to do, but don't find any interest in it...

shitty life...

12/18 My Body is in Pain

Rodrigo said the typical "I'm really good, and you?"... well yeah, I answered, I asked him "you're working tomorrow?" since he usually doesn't work on mondays and wrote on his facebook he do... anyways...

My skin really is itchy... yesterday was on my legs, now it's on my legs and chest... :/ but my ass and my penis are really hurting lots... I can't pee without feeling pain... this morning I woke up to pee and I just couldn't. I couldn't relax my muscles to let it flow... kinda scary. i waited and it worked a few minutes later. but i had difficulty another time today... yeah, i need sleep...

i have school until wednesday... @_@ that's way too much... ive started a paper (only 10 pages) that is due for tuesday, i have no idea if i will make it, but don't have any other choice... lol

12/18 Just Can't Stop

So I finally sent Rodrigo a text (a simple one, just how are you). Obviously since he didn't answer my text from Thursday, I doubt he will answer this one either... And it's not like I didn't get what he meant by his polite "screw off"... Now I'm just being the annoying guy who can't accept that he isn't loved...

Ugh...

12/17 One Year - Sex, Friends, Love

So my blog celebrates its first year of existence. I will not do a really long retrospective right now, I will probably do it another time (when school is over). But I wanted to talk about the 3 main topics of this blog, which is also the title of my first post: Sex, Friends, Love.

Those are three things I have completely lost through the year...

I've had a lot of sex. I've had sex all the time. I've got tons of people asking me for sex, I've been a prostitute, I've been a cam model, I hooked up with random people in clubs, on Internet, I've had sex with my friends, I've had sex with my exes, I've watched any form of porn (from animal to children), etc. And where did it bring me? I'm tired of sex. Yeah, I can't even masturbate, my ass hurts like hell, I don't want to meet random people who I don't like or who don't like me, and I don't get enough money to help me with life. So, in the last few months I've lost my appetite for sex. I am not looking for sex anymore. I'd like to have sex with only one person, and not all the time, just a few times, if that person needs it (because I don't).

I've lost many many friends during the year. I didn't try to make so many though. Nor did I try to keep them working. In fact, I didn't do much since this summer. I've left my friends behind and they did the same. I've lost countless of them, and I think it's forever. But instead I made this really great friend, Khanh. I've never liked someone like that before. He was great, even if we didn't always get along well. But we did have a lot of fun and I learned a great deal from him. He was helping me when I most needed it. I'm using past tense here, because it's all past. I've lost him too. I think I can count three friends that still care a little bit about me: Guillaume, Marie-France and Ariane. That's it. I've lost everyone else...

And love... I've tried so many times this year to have someone who would love me. I've loved countless times. I tried so hard for getting where I am now: nothing. No one loves me. Just a few days ago I was sure Rodrigo was gonna be different, but no, he is no different. He doesn't love me and I've been blinded by his lies. Hence, no love for me. Never.

But there is something I can learn from losing all of these. Maybe I'm trying something that is impossible? Maybe it is impossible for someone like me (hence a nihilist/anarchist/inconsistent/crazy person) to actually have sex, friends or love. (well I could have sex, but I mean "to like having sex") I know, it sounds illogical, and it is. But what I mean by that is that maybe I spent so much time trying to get these three, while I clearly am bad to handle them. So why losing so much time on this? Why did I spend a whole year only to fail? Can't I just try to do something else which would give me something?

I don't know what this might be. I don't know what I'm looking for in my future. But at least I know what I don't want to spend energy on anymore: Sex, Friends, Love.

12/17 Dad

I'm gonna be the greatest dad ever. I'm gonna bring joy in every life that is sad in this world. I will protect humanity against every sin. That is all I will do.

12/17 Ugh

Ugh... I just woke up and already depressed... And then I called my mom, she's moving with her boyfriend and so I can't stay at her place for Christmas, and so my only place is my older brother, which I need to call...

Ugh... I'm really wondering if I should go to my hometown for Christmas or not. Sometimes I feel it would be so much better to just stay here and try to relax... alone.

Anyway...

12/16 Nobody Likes Me

Urgh... This is probably one of the worst time of my life... and I mean it seriously.

First, Khanh is really mad at me, he told me to "fuck off" this morning, which meant "stop talking to me I don't care about you anymore". Hence, our friendship has never been worst, not even when he told me to go away from his place last summer. I actually have no idea at all where it's gonna get. It's either that I've just lost my best friend, or that he's gonna apologize in a few days. And it might take more than just a few days.

He's probably waiting for me to apologize, but I think he's been pretty harsh, much more than me. The only reason he was mad at me was because I "lied" about Rodrigo being in love with me, and the next day I said he wasn't. The confusion here is that even if I never said he was in love with me, I did say he had feelings for me, more than just those of a friend, but Khanh thought I said he was in love for me. Same thing with me being in love with him. In some ways, Khanh thought we were kind of in a relationship but we were not, we were merely seeing each other and STARTING something more, which he didn't get. Then, two days ago when I talked with Rodrigo I realized that he didn't have as many feelings as I thought he had for me, which I told Khanh, and that's when he exploded, because it was "illogical with what I said before"...

It's not the first time Khanh gets upset about a problem of communication between the two of us. He really expects me to be perfect, to always say things that are completely 100% accurate, and tries to find out any illogical word that comes out of my mouth. As much as I think it's okay, it's not that he gets angry about it. You shouldn't be angry when someone behaves differently than you. It's not like the world should behave the way he wants...

So this morning after he told me that he didn't care [about me], I said that he should stop playing video games and focus on his life if he wants to be less stressed out. He then said to "fuck off" and not dare giving him advice about his life... yeah, right. As if friends couldn't give advice anymore just because you're stubborn about how perfect you are and can't accept that the world doesn't work like you think it does...

Anyway, I'm gonna wait for him to say something if he wants to still be my friend, but I won't go apologize first or anything. I'll wait until he comes back from his vacation to contact him again. Because seriously, he needs vacations, he needs to take out some stress, because it's making him a really violent person...

So, about Rodrigo... well, we talked a lot about stuff. In some ways he seemed happy to see me, but I finally understood that it's kind of a lie. I mean, it's just like me when I get to sleep with a guy. I make it sound like I'm really having fun and everything, but in fact I'm never in love or anything. I just like to be with people. Same for him. He likes to take care of me, spend nice time with me, but then, he's not gonna fall in love or anything.

I made him say that we can still see each other, but he really wanted to stop it. He said it was "for me", since he is really (really, really, really -> note here the exaggeration that implies something he doesn't want to say) busy and will "always be busy like that". Anyway, he was politely telling me to stop it, but I didn't give up, and he didn't know what to say (he probably thought "I don't like you and don't want to spend time with you anymore").

Then he made me come closer to him, it was nice like usual... Then he asked me if I wanted to stay, and I didn't really want to stay because I wasn't prepared for this and I knew he wanted to sleep early and everything. So he was gonna go take a shower, but he came back and asked me if it was okay if I leave... Hence here you can see the "no, I really don't want to spend time with this guy anymore tonight, it's gonna be too hard to lie to him that I love him and it'd be much better if he just left..."

And so I left.

Next morning I asked him how was his yoga class. No answer since then.

Last night he posted on facebook "jai vraiment une belle vie :)))))" which wouldn't make sense if he really hated me and wanted me gone...

Anyway, it's really fucking confusing, I'll just keep it like this and wait to see what happens.

So, in short, I've lost the two people I loved the most. Will I ever get them back? Are some others gonna replace them? I have no idea at all and I don't want to think about it. But it's sad that I'm back to phase 1. Hence, I'm all alone. Nobody likes me.

12/15

So Khanh is mad at me because I "keep lying"... I don't want to get into drama, but every time I say something he tries to see if I lie or not and as soon as he sees a lie he gets super mad at me... he never tries to understand or believe me, he just jumps to conclusion. Tonight when he said I was lying I told him to calm down. Seriously, he's way too stressed out and it affects him a lot... :( I think he's stressed about not having a job and no money, which anyone would stress for, but he keeps playing Diablo. I mean, it's a good stress reliever, but if he keeps playing it's really not gonna help him get rid of his stress... And I don't really know what to do, but I'll tell him next time I see him that he has to stop playing...

So, I went to Khanh's place last night. I was still really depressed and sad, and I wanted some help from him, but instead he started getting mad at me, saying that I'm a coward and that I never do anything for the people I "love", that he doesn't know how I'm treating him (like who I think he is, since he still thinks that there could be love between us), and that my birthday letter I gave him was all lies, only one side of the story and that I haven't changed at all...

So he shouted that I should just go and see Rodrigo, and that's what I did, I left him after hugging him and after he mumbled something.

I really hate when people get angry. I know they get their stress out, but I'm always scared. I mean, what is my way to get stress out? Have sex? Masturbate? Think? Write on this blog? Why don't I ever get angry when I'm stressed out and others do? :/

So I went at Rodrigo's place. I was kinda stressed out, since I didn't know if he was gonna be there (it was 9:30), if his roommate would be, so what I should say on the intercom, what I should say anyway, etc.

I went into his street and then I was like "oh, that car might actually be his and he'd see me walking lol" but it was a woman :P So I kept going, saw a man and a dog, and then I saw him on the street. He stopped, I waved at him, walked, he looked at me as if he was really confused about me being there (but in fact he just couldn't see me from that far). Then when I was close enough he said "oh it's you" and blablabla. Anyway, I got into his place, he he obviously didn't expect me and was really tired from another long day, but he took some time to talk to me.

So, first he said that the reason he wanted to stop was that he doesn't have time for me, and that I would be sad

oh shit, im feeling so tired right now, ill go to bed and try to continue this another time...

12/14 Quick Note

So quickly, I will explain in more details tomorrow (got an exam tomorrow...) but I went to see Khanh, he got mad and told me to see Rodrigo, I went to see him and it went fairly well, he texted me from stress and with not much thinking, and he said other stuff about why he is being nice to me and that it doesn't feel like he wants a relationship now (it didn't come to his mind with me).

12/14 Heartbroken

Last time I was heartbroken was with my first relationship, which was with Daniel and was strictly on Internet. I was stupid at that time, so for me loving someone was so important. But he wasn't present in my life, so I decided to break up because it made me sad. I was really sad about it. Which was stupid, but anyway. I've grown up.

Now it's probably the first time I spend so much time with someone and HE ditches me. It has always been me, or it wasn't so serious, so I feel really... heartbroken.

When you meet someone for the first few times, you can always expect the other to stop texting you, and so you understand that the "relationship" is over. But with Rodrigo... we were beyond that. I did not fear that he would just let me go like this. Especially not during a day when he was so eager to see me. I mean, I think yesterday he sent me like 30 texts, and HE was the one wanting to see me. He was clearly happy, he was looking forward to it so much.

Khanh tells me that he's been lying. That I should open my eyes. That I'm stubborn. But seriously, it doesn't make sense. He can't have been lying. This really is illogical. You want a proof? Ok, here are what he wrote me yesterday:

R: Hey bon matin mon bo bonhomme ca va?
Me: Ouais ça va et toi? Je viens de terminer maa dernière présentation de la session!! :)
R:Congrats mister
Me: Merci :) comment se passe ta première journée de la semaine?
R: Gym now
Toi
Me: Ah, tu commences tard aujourd'hui? :)
Je suis encore en cours lol pogné à l'école encore pour plus d'une heure :P
Mais comme je suis intelligent, je vais au gym au lieu d'aller à mon cours de l'après-midi! Lol
R: Pfffffff tu vas etre muscle mais ignorant lollll
Me: Haha, je suis déjà superr ultra méga intelligent :P il me reste juste à être musclé pour être l'homme parfait! Lol
R: Mmmmmm
Jai hate de voir ha ha
Me: Haha, mon entraîneur m'a dit que ça prendrait 3 ans :P faudra que tu sois patient! Lol
R: Dans 3 ans ma avoir 41 tu voudras pu de moi loll
Me: Haha, dans trois and je vais avoir 26 donc mes goûts vont être plus... matures lol
R: C justement a cet age la quon commence a aimer les pti jeunes ha ha ha
Me: Haha tu seras toujours jeune si tu conserves ton coeur d'enfant :P
C'est aussi à l'âge où on fait des bébés pour avoir l'air d'avoir une vie plus jeune :)
R: Tu viens tu me faire des bebes c soir?
Pis dormir avec ton gros animal wraaaaarrrrr
Me: Lol si tu promets de ne pas me manger :P tu penses finir vers quelle heure?
Tu ne réponds jamais quand je te demande quand tu finnis! Lol je peux aller t'attendre au salon vers 8h si tu veux :)

And then I got what I posted yesterday...

R: Hey suis vraiment desole mais je veux arreter ca la
Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine
Pis jaime mieux en rester la
Jespere tu men voudras pas trop
Desole :(
Me: Heu... Ok... J'ai manqué un bout, il y a un problème ? :S
R: No pass du tout suis desole
Me: Ok, je comprends pas vraiment et je veux pas te forcer à expliquer... Mais oui, je suis complètement perdu lol
R: Je men excuse vraiment
Me: Scuse moi de pas m'arrêter, mais c'est un problème avec nos âges? (réponds pas si tu veux pas!)

So yeah, try to figure it out and please tell me when you find the solution to the problem. Cuz I don't get it... and it's killing me.

I just deactivated my facebook account. I think it's gonna help me to disconnect with the world for a little while. I was thinking about deactivating it for some time, but I just kept it because we use it for school (to chat about projects and share documents, etc.) Since it's the end of the semester and we only have three more team projects, it might be okay not to have it anymore.

Oh, and I asked my friends on facebook to text/call me yesterday, and that stupid ex-roommate (I even forgot his name lol) wrote me something like "oh, you've got a lot of finals, eh? oh wait, do you even have finals?" omg, you really are annoying...

Anyway, I ate a sandwich for lunch, I'm still hungry but doesn't feel like eating anything. But I guess I'm getting better, although I'm pretty completely down. I'd like to just crawl in my bed, but I guess I'm gonna study for my exam tomorrow... I was gonna cry on the metro on my way back home, and I did when I arrived, and I am right now... can't believe this is happening. It just doesn't make any sense at all... :(

12/14 Explanations

So I've been thinking a lot. About why he said these things to me. First, here is what he said:

Hey suis vraiment desole mais je veux arreter ca la
Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine
Pis jaime mieux en rester la
Jespere tu men voudras pas trop
Desole :(
Me: Heu... Ok... J'ai manqué un bout, il y a un problème ? :S
No pass du tout suis desole
Me: Ok, je comprends pas vraiment et je veux pas te forcer à expliquer... Mais oui, je suis complètement perdu lol
Je men excuse vraiment
Me: Scuse moi de pas m'arrêter, mais c'est un problème avec nos âges? (réponds pas si tu veux pas!)

And that's it.

The sentence I don't get is "Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine". Does it means he doesn't feel good about telling me that he wants to "break up" or does it mean that he doesn't feel good about how things could go between us (and he doesn't want me to be sad if it gets serious).

So yeah, here's my hypothesis, which I think is the one working best with what I understand of it all: He doesn't want me to love a man 15 years older. We actually talked about it during the day, how in 3 years he would be 41 and I wouldn't love him anymore, but I would start loving younger guys instead... So he probably realized that someday it would suck for me, and so he prefers putting an end to it.

Second hypothesis is that he didn't really like me (even if he really enjoyed spending time with me and showed it many times that he liked me a lot) and thought it would be best to end the sex thing, since I started having feelings for him. It's weird cuz knowing him, he really had feelings for me, so for this to be a big lie is quite impossible imo.

The last hypothesis is that something happened in his life and he doesn't want to tell me, but it's affecting him too much and he can't think about a relationship or something with me anymore.

Anyway, I don't know. It's probably because of my age... which seriously I don't see as a problem right now, but yeah, I don't deny that it couldn't cause a problem in the future... problem that I would try to solve if I had been with a guy for so long lol But yeah, maybe not, I don't know, I haven't really thought about it that much.

I said I liked older men, and that's true. It's kind of comforting to have someone who is stable in his life. And it brings something quite different, it's a new experience (which is something I like). There is some kind of adventure. And I was looking at all the good points about it. But yeah, there are gonna be bad points too. I suppose I have to think about these really seriously before anything else. Like, am I gonna be happy in ten years if I am still with him? 20 years when he's gonna be 60 and me 45? There's a really high chance that he dies before me, so what am I gonna do after that? Or should I stop thinking so far in the future because every time I do it ends up shitty, and instead just be happy with the present moment?

Well, I ain't happy right now. He's gone...

And I was so happy all day long, it was gonna be such a wonderful evening... I was supposed to sleep with him all night. I thought of it all day, since Sunday. I even took a shower, I was ready to go, I was just waiting his text to say "ok, I'm finished now, you can come". And instead I got these texts that just destroyed everything.

I really don't know what to do :(

All I want to do is text him and tell him that I really don't care if he's older, that I've known since the beginning and that still I was trying to get something more serious because I really like him.

But I don't even know if it's because of that...

Should I wait for tomorrow? Probably. It's already 1am and it would probably annoy him more than anything. Should I wait until when he's back from his Holiday vacations? I don't know. That was my plan earlier tonight, but I don't think I could wait until that long.

And yeah, I really don't know what to do. I've asked help from my friends, Ariane answered but it turned out just like I thought it would (bad), Khanh didn't get that he didn't ditch me for the night but forever, and I didn't answer when my dad called. So I'm pretty much all alone once more...

I'm an adult, right? I should behave like one, right? Well, I just want someone to help me a little bit, because I'm a weak adult... Rodrigo helped me a lot, and it was great. I was much more happy with him around. I know Khanh is here, but tonight he was with a friend, and I keep annoying him with all my teenage girl problems... And then, there is no one else who could or would help me. So I'm all alone...

I wanna die.

12/13 That's It

Rodrigo just sent me a bunch of texts saying he was sorry to stop it. So he just ditched me. After a day where we texted a lot and were supposed to meet and sleep together tonight. After spending a lot of days together and having a lot of fun. After making me so happy every day. I really thought I was loved by someone. And honest love. That was a first for me. And he ditched me and I don't know why.

Age? Maybe. I don't know. He said he didn't care, but I guess he thinks about me and think it would be bad for me...

Urgh, seriously I don't know what to think about it. I'm really confused, shocked and everything. I'm still not that sad though. It's gonna come soon... :( I just wanna cry a fucking lot, but it seems like I still can't believe it... Everything was so perfect until now... what the fuck happened in a few hours? :S

:'(

It's weird but I wanna kill myself... yeah really...

12/10 Hurt

It's great to think/speak/write in English, I don't have so much the occasion lately cuz my school is all French, my friends mostly all speak French, etc. But most of the time I think in English, which is cool cuz I think English is much faster as a language (French gets complicated for nothing... it might be more poetic, but I'm rational, so English fits me better).

So I've been starting this new workout program by Khanh, and I hurt myself this week. Wednesday I think. Well, Monday I hurt my forearm after my workout, but it wasn't so bad afterwards. Then Wednesday I hurt all of my right arm (from forearm to shoulder) and even if I had a rest day on Thursday, when I went to the gym today, I had to give up because it was hurting too bad :(

It may seem really pathetic, but I'm really sad about it. I really wanted to work out and I just can't. I really wanted to give my best at this and I have to stop everything. :( Khanh said that it should take a week to heal, and that in the meanwhile I should just work on my legs (cuz seriously I can't do anything that's on my upper body...)

It really really sucks. Not only because I can't work out as much as I hoped, but because I feel like I failed. It's like I made a big mistake and now I can't do anything about it. I have to let it go. Wait... Do nothing... that's not really the kind of person I am...

And every time I use my right hand it starts hurting... :(

Really sucks...

12/5 insomnia ftw

i can't sleep, once again. it's been like this all week, i dont know whats wrong. i thought it was because i dont workout anymore, so im not getting tired enough wheen i go to bed, but i think its also becuse of stress from school, the shitty things that happen in my life, and all the stuff coming (christmas for example).

anyway, im just tired of everyone. i mean, nobody loves me, they never did. its like "no, its not right, everybody loves you" but hey... where is everyone? my family loves me? no way, they just like me, and like "when everyone is all reunited"... my friends? they just like when im useful to them (hence i dont spend much time with my friends cuz they dont need me lol)

ayway, im tired, should go back to sleep and cry some more... or jerk off again... urgh, stupid life....

12/4 I'm Sad

It's funny. But I'm kind of sad. Friday night Rodrigo didn't want to meet since he was too busy at work. Then Saturday night he wanted to be alone and just relax. And then today (he doesn't work on Sundays and Mondays) we planned to do something, and one or two hours before, he said friends came for his birthday, and so he was sorry...

I know he wasn't expecting this and is probably sad that he couldn't see me, but I really feel sad. I was so much expecting to see him, it's been a few days, I've been expecting to see him for three days in a row, and none worked out... And it's all this feeling of joy that comes during the day "oh, I'm gonna see him tonight and it's gonna be fantastic as it's always!" which turns into "oh... ok..."

Kinda sad. Not that I blame him, but I do sort of blame him for not being "healthy" enough to send time with me for the past two days. I mean, if someone invites me for something, and if I want to go, then no matter if I'm tired or if I've had a really long and stressful day, I'm gonna go. For example, if he texts me right now and say "oh, it's okay, you can come now" then of course I'm just gonna stop whatever I was doing and just go to see him. Maybe it's just some kind of "youth" that I have and that he has lost. Though I'm taking a guess here that it's probably just laziness and lack of motivation to jump in life and an egocentric point of view where your own happiness is more important than making someone happy. Yeah, that's what you guys call getting old. But I wouldn't want to be such a lazy old man in the future, I'd prefer being an energetic and joyful old man! :)

Anyway, I'm working on school stuff instead, which is really depressing when I think about the cool night I could have had.

Damn.

Oh, and if he texts right now, it's already 9pm, so it's gonna be around 10pm when get there, so it's gonna be too late anyway, and he's gonna be tired of spending time with his friends, so at this point it's sure he's not gonna invite me. Damn. Again. Gotta go watch porn to feel better.

12/2 Being Rejected

In some ways I don't know if I hate being rejected or if I'm okay with it. It sounds weird, so I'm gonna get deeper into it.

I get rejected all the time. Just tonight, as I was supposed to go to Rodrigo's place, he said he had to stay at work a bit longer... so... I assume he wouldn't have time for me tonight. Well, it's okay, it's all part of life, he has his obligations, and is not always in the mood to spend time with me. And for that, I am understandable.

Where it gets sad is afterwards. Right now, I feel sad about being home alone. I guess I was expecting more tonight. I don't even want to do anything, because all I want is something good to happen to me. What I mean is that I will not try to talk to Rodrigo until he talks to me back, tomorrow or the day after or any other day. I feel like I have been rejected completely and that the only way to not feel rejected is for him to come back at me. Like if you didn't reject me then show it.

I know it's completely absurd, but I can't get away from that feeling. I don't mind if people don't like me, but if they do, then they have to show me. Looking at the hype cycle ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hype_cycle ), I'm at the "Trough of Disillusionment" phase. I was expecting so much but now realized it wouldn't be happening. Hence, I'm sad, want to give up everything, and just waiting for things to settle down to the next phase. Lame.

I just finished watching Witness: Disaster in Japan about the March 11th earthquake and tsunami. Quite interesting (if you forget the cheesy background soundtrack). I think I was just has disturbed by it than I am right now thinking about it. I mean, it didn't necessarily affect me personally, yet I do understand (read feel) how hard it was for the people there, or everyone related to these incidents.

I remember when Adrienne cancelled her classes, it made me really panic. Most of the time I'm looking at things really rationally, and I wanted to continue my life as it was, talking about what happened in Japan with a rational point of view. Butt she brought chaos by cancelling her classes and everything. Anyway, she had teach-ins instead, which were much more useful than stupid classes, but still it made me a bit more confused than what I already was.

It's kinda weird, but most of the time I feel bad about making myself happy. I just don't like to be happy. Why can I be happy if so many people are suffering? Yet, when something "happy" comes into my life (e.g. love) I just want it all mine. Weird.

I was talking about it last week with Sumi, but when I was young I was bullied quite a lot. I could never play with others because they didn't want me in their teams. I actually don't know why. I was shy, so I wasn't really popular I guess. And I suppose the fact that no other family was poorer than mine has something to do with it. Anyway, it's complicated, my mind is getting tired, so I think I will stop here.

I wanna cry but I'm too tired to do so. And I don't want to feel like I'm crying because I've been rejected once more. I thought I didn't mind being rejected by others, that I was being used to it, and that I knew that everyone is different so it's normal for someone to not like me. But I'm still getting tired of it. And that's probably why I want someone to love me, to NOT reject me.

I'm watching Peanuts, and Lucie is always bullying others. Like one said in a youtube comment, "she's a bitch". Well, yeah, she is. And there is nothing fun in it. It isn't fun to be bullied.

It's just like my theory of groups, where I've never been part of a group before because I was not accepted in them, but then I started not wanting to be part of a group, because I couldn't be myself anymore. Hence I found out that being in a group is not a good thing since it makes you believe in the group beliefs, and you then lose your rationality. And I think my force lies in this wanting to be all by myself and not have anyone decide on me.

I wonder, am I crazy or am I so smart that I found all the social problems of the world? In some ways, this blog is for people (and me) to realize that I am not crazy. or maybe I can't even realize that what I'm writing down here is made by a crazy brain. It might looks completely logical to me, and to most people, but maybe some psychologist will be able to find my mental disease that makes me unable to see the mistakes in my way of thinking. Anyway, I want to be extremely honest in here so that these people will decide for whatever mental disease I might have. If not, then what I wrote here is so honest that it is true. I do make mistakes, even in my most honest moments, but as I read back my posts I add "edit notes". So is it that I don't have the knowledge to understand what I'm talking about? Or is it that I keep repeating the fucking same ideas from oh so many different perspective and all in so much honesty that there needs to be at least someone else to recognize that this isn't bullshit but fucking plain truth about our world and our societies?

Is someone gonna recognize me? Well, a few have. But many more think I'm crazy and say bullshit all the time. And from a rational point of view, if I'm diagnosed crazy by so many people, then it has to mean something.

12/1 My Man

Last night I slept at Rodrigo's place again. I went to his workplace, then we went to his place, had bareback sex, then we ate spaghetti that he did, watched a movie (Black Swan) and then slept together :) I couldn't sleep much, mostly because of stress, no gym this week, and he was snoring, but in the end, it was another magical night :)

Holy motherfucker, I'm in love!! But with a difference, he loves me back! And I mean he seriously fucking loves me. I'm not gonna write down every little hint I have that would show that, cuz it's damn fucking obvious. Shit, he's just an amazing guy, I can't say how much I want to be in his arms again right now, or just hear his delightful voice, or kiss him, or everything else.

Anyway, it's awesome. I've been smiling much more lately. Just like I was smiling at that kid in the subway and he kept looking at me and smiling back :D man I love kids.

I'm also feeling less frightened at going back to see my family for Christmas. I mean, I'm always getting sick, and you can see in this blog from last year that I was really stressed out, but I think things are getting better in my life, so it looks less stressful. School is almost over and I've been working hard, I have the best friend ever (Khanh), and now someone really loves me (Rodrigo).

I don't know for how long it will last, but I'll just enjoy every second of it :) Oh, I was interrupted by a text from him :)

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. Well, there's a lot more I want to say about it, but I'm keeping it in my head and I'm not sharing it here :P