Urgh... This is probably one of the worst time of my life... and I mean it seriously.
First, Khanh is really mad at me, he told me to "fuck off" this morning, which meant "stop talking to me I don't care about you anymore". Hence, our friendship has never been worst, not even when he told me to go away from his place last summer. I actually have no idea at all where it's gonna get. It's either that I've just lost my best friend, or that he's gonna apologize in a few days. And it might take more than just a few days.
He's probably waiting for me to apologize, but I think he's been pretty harsh, much more than me. The only reason he was mad at me was because I "lied" about Rodrigo being in love with me, and the next day I said he wasn't. The confusion here is that even if I never said he was in love with me, I did say he had feelings for me, more than just those of a friend, but Khanh thought I said he was in love for me. Same thing with me being in love with him. In some ways, Khanh thought we were kind of in a relationship but we were not, we were merely seeing each other and STARTING something more, which he didn't get. Then, two days ago when I talked with Rodrigo I realized that he didn't have as many feelings as I thought he had for me, which I told Khanh, and that's when he exploded, because it was "illogical with what I said before"...
It's not the first time Khanh gets upset about a problem of communication between the two of us. He really expects me to be perfect, to always say things that are completely 100% accurate, and tries to find out any illogical word that comes out of my mouth. As much as I think it's okay, it's not that he gets angry about it. You shouldn't be angry when someone behaves differently than you. It's not like the world should behave the way he wants...
So this morning after he told me that he didn't care [about me], I said that he should stop playing video games and focus on his life if he wants to be less stressed out. He then said to "fuck off" and not dare giving him advice about his life... yeah, right. As if friends couldn't give advice anymore just because you're stubborn about how perfect you are and can't accept that the world doesn't work like you think it does...
Anyway, I'm gonna wait for him to say something if he wants to still be my friend, but I won't go apologize first or anything. I'll wait until he comes back from his vacation to contact him again. Because seriously, he needs vacations, he needs to take out some stress, because it's making him a really violent person...
So, about Rodrigo... well, we talked a lot about stuff. In some ways he seemed happy to see me, but I finally understood that it's kind of a lie. I mean, it's just like me when I get to sleep with a guy. I make it sound like I'm really having fun and everything, but in fact I'm never in love or anything. I just like to be with people. Same for him. He likes to take care of me, spend nice time with me, but then, he's not gonna fall in love or anything.
I made him say that we can still see each other, but he really wanted to stop it. He said it was "for me", since he is really (really, really, really -> note here the exaggeration that implies something he doesn't want to say) busy and will "always be busy like that". Anyway, he was politely telling me to stop it, but I didn't give up, and he didn't know what to say (he probably thought "I don't like you and don't want to spend time with you anymore").
Then he made me come closer to him, it was nice like usual... Then he asked me if I wanted to stay, and I didn't really want to stay because I wasn't prepared for this and I knew he wanted to sleep early and everything. So he was gonna go take a shower, but he came back and asked me if it was okay if I leave... Hence here you can see the "no, I really don't want to spend time with this guy anymore tonight, it's gonna be too hard to lie to him that I love him and it'd be much better if he just left..."
And so I left.
Next morning I asked him how was his yoga class. No answer since then.
Last night he posted on facebook "jai vraiment une belle vie :)))))" which wouldn't make sense if he really hated me and wanted me gone...
Anyway, it's really fucking confusing, I'll just keep it like this and wait to see what happens.
So, in short, I've lost the two people I loved the most. Will I ever get them back? Are some others gonna replace them? I have no idea at all and I don't want to think about it. But it's sad that I'm back to phase 1. Hence, I'm all alone. Nobody likes me.
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