12/14 Explanations

So I've been thinking a lot. About why he said these things to me. First, here is what he said:

Hey suis vraiment desole mais je veux arreter ca la
Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine
Pis jaime mieux en rester la
Jespere tu men voudras pas trop
Desole :(
Me: Heu... Ok... J'ai manqué un bout, il y a un problème ? :S
No pass du tout suis desole
Me: Ok, je comprends pas vraiment et je veux pas te forcer à expliquer... Mais oui, je suis complètement perdu lol
Je men excuse vraiment
Me: Scuse moi de pas m'arrêter, mais c'est un problème avec nos âges? (réponds pas si tu veux pas!)

And that's it.

The sentence I don't get is "Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine". Does it means he doesn't feel good about telling me that he wants to "break up" or does it mean that he doesn't feel good about how things could go between us (and he doesn't want me to be sad if it gets serious).

So yeah, here's my hypothesis, which I think is the one working best with what I understand of it all: He doesn't want me to love a man 15 years older. We actually talked about it during the day, how in 3 years he would be 41 and I wouldn't love him anymore, but I would start loving younger guys instead... So he probably realized that someday it would suck for me, and so he prefers putting an end to it.

Second hypothesis is that he didn't really like me (even if he really enjoyed spending time with me and showed it many times that he liked me a lot) and thought it would be best to end the sex thing, since I started having feelings for him. It's weird cuz knowing him, he really had feelings for me, so for this to be a big lie is quite impossible imo.

The last hypothesis is that something happened in his life and he doesn't want to tell me, but it's affecting him too much and he can't think about a relationship or something with me anymore.

Anyway, I don't know. It's probably because of my age... which seriously I don't see as a problem right now, but yeah, I don't deny that it couldn't cause a problem in the future... problem that I would try to solve if I had been with a guy for so long lol But yeah, maybe not, I don't know, I haven't really thought about it that much.

I said I liked older men, and that's true. It's kind of comforting to have someone who is stable in his life. And it brings something quite different, it's a new experience (which is something I like). There is some kind of adventure. And I was looking at all the good points about it. But yeah, there are gonna be bad points too. I suppose I have to think about these really seriously before anything else. Like, am I gonna be happy in ten years if I am still with him? 20 years when he's gonna be 60 and me 45? There's a really high chance that he dies before me, so what am I gonna do after that? Or should I stop thinking so far in the future because every time I do it ends up shitty, and instead just be happy with the present moment?

Well, I ain't happy right now. He's gone...

And I was so happy all day long, it was gonna be such a wonderful evening... I was supposed to sleep with him all night. I thought of it all day, since Sunday. I even took a shower, I was ready to go, I was just waiting his text to say "ok, I'm finished now, you can come". And instead I got these texts that just destroyed everything.

I really don't know what to do :(

All I want to do is text him and tell him that I really don't care if he's older, that I've known since the beginning and that still I was trying to get something more serious because I really like him.

But I don't even know if it's because of that...

Should I wait for tomorrow? Probably. It's already 1am and it would probably annoy him more than anything. Should I wait until when he's back from his Holiday vacations? I don't know. That was my plan earlier tonight, but I don't think I could wait until that long.

And yeah, I really don't know what to do. I've asked help from my friends, Ariane answered but it turned out just like I thought it would (bad), Khanh didn't get that he didn't ditch me for the night but forever, and I didn't answer when my dad called. So I'm pretty much all alone once more...

I'm an adult, right? I should behave like one, right? Well, I just want someone to help me a little bit, because I'm a weak adult... Rodrigo helped me a lot, and it was great. I was much more happy with him around. I know Khanh is here, but tonight he was with a friend, and I keep annoying him with all my teenage girl problems... And then, there is no one else who could or would help me. So I'm all alone...

I wanna die.