So my blog celebrates its first year of existence. I will not do a really long retrospective right now, I will probably do it another time (when school is over). But I wanted to talk about the 3 main topics of this blog, which is also the title of my first post: Sex, Friends, Love.
Those are three things I have completely lost through the year...
I've had a lot of sex. I've had sex all the time. I've got tons of people asking me for sex, I've been a prostitute, I've been a cam model, I hooked up with random people in clubs, on Internet, I've had sex with my friends, I've had sex with my exes, I've watched any form of porn (from animal to children), etc. And where did it bring me? I'm tired of sex. Yeah, I can't even masturbate, my ass hurts like hell, I don't want to meet random people who I don't like or who don't like me, and I don't get enough money to help me with life. So, in the last few months I've lost my appetite for sex. I am not looking for sex anymore. I'd like to have sex with only one person, and not all the time, just a few times, if that person needs it (because I don't).
I've lost many many friends during the year. I didn't try to make so many though. Nor did I try to keep them working. In fact, I didn't do much since this summer. I've left my friends behind and they did the same. I've lost countless of them, and I think it's forever. But instead I made this really great friend, Khanh. I've never liked someone like that before. He was great, even if we didn't always get along well. But we did have a lot of fun and I learned a great deal from him. He was helping me when I most needed it. I'm using past tense here, because it's all past. I've lost him too. I think I can count three friends that still care a little bit about me: Guillaume, Marie-France and Ariane. That's it. I've lost everyone else...
And love... I've tried so many times this year to have someone who would love me. I've loved countless times. I tried so hard for getting where I am now: nothing. No one loves me. Just a few days ago I was sure Rodrigo was gonna be different, but no, he is no different. He doesn't love me and I've been blinded by his lies. Hence, no love for me. Never.
But there is something I can learn from losing all of these. Maybe I'm trying something that is impossible? Maybe it is impossible for someone like me (hence a nihilist/anarchist/inconsistent/crazy person) to actually have sex, friends or love. (well I could have sex, but I mean "to like having sex") I know, it sounds illogical, and it is. But what I mean by that is that maybe I spent so much time trying to get these three, while I clearly am bad to handle them. So why losing so much time on this? Why did I spend a whole year only to fail? Can't I just try to do something else which would give me something?
I don't know what this might be. I don't know what I'm looking for in my future. But at least I know what I don't want to spend energy on anymore: Sex, Friends, Love.
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