So in the end I wrote an email to Daishi, and he answered. Here is our discussion:
Me:
Ok, I'm gonna ask you to apologize. I know you hate me, I know you think I'm the worst person ever, and no matter what I do, you want to think it's wrong just because you're stubborn. Fine, I don't mind. Then I understand that when someone is deeply in hate with someone else, he might keep on hurting the other person's feelings. Ok, good. I'm a really strong person and I've got through much harder than what you may think. So it's fine with me if you want to keep on throwing shit at me. Seriously it is, I know sometimes we get frustrated by life and it's making us feel better to release it, so you can release it on me instead of someone else, especially since I am a strong person.
You told me some time ago that you would try (to forgive me). And seriously, I haven't seen any change since then. You still don't answer my messages, keep it short and emotionless when you really have to answer me, and don't even try to talk to someone you're gonna spend two weeks with in the same room. Now I'm not talking about love, friendship or anything. If you don't want to give me anything, fine. But please, I think I deserve some respect. Because I think I do respect you.
I'm not writing you this email because of what you just texted me, but because of your general attitude towards me, and the fact that I don't think I want a pessimistic person around me for two weeks. Even if I anticipated you would be down, I still want to be happy with you and have a good time before you leave for Japan, as I have no idea if we will ever spend time together after that. We can have an awesome time together, and that's the mood I'm prepared for. But no, I'm not prepared for someone who is down AND doesn't want to cheer up AND throws shit at me all the time. I am prepared for someone who wants to try to forgive people who cares about him, who wants to respect his friends, and who is cheerful when he needs to (i.e. when he is spending time with friends).
So tell me which one you're gonna be on Sunday so that I can act accordingly. I was planning to be really excited about seeing you and have a lot of fun with you, but if it's not gonna happen, then I will behave accordingly. And seriously, if you can't cheer up, I don't think I'll want to spend two weeks with you. I'm a nice person and accept hardships as they come, but I have a life too and don't want to have too much useless pressure.
And you're the one who told me people should always be positive. So take your courage and please apologize.
Thank you!
Francis
P.S.: I am sorry if this email is written in a somewhat harsh way, but as you can see I am definitely a bit pissed off...
Daishi:
I'm sorry that you felt like that, I've been busy lately.
By no means I am intentionally trying to hurt you or anything, and I do respond to your messages.
To be honest, yes, I've lost a lot of respect for you, but I'm not hating on you because of that. I think I'm rather moving on.
If we don't get along, it's neither of our fault. I haven't seen you in so long, so we'll see how things go. I could try to book a hostel if you'd like me to, because I obviously can't change my flights.
Daishi
Me:
Ok, sorry if I overreacted for nothing. I guess I want you as the friend you once were, but it might not be possible anymore. Anyway, like you said, we'll see how things go. I'd like if you could stay at my place, so that way we would spend as much time together as possible! :)
Anyway, thanks! :) Have a good night!
Francis
And so I guess that ends it. My email was kind of stupid now that I think about it. Anyway, Daishi is coming tomorrow, and I guess everything will be fine. I'm in a kind of really hateful mood, so I don't think it's gonna be so awesome or anything, but anyway, it has to happen...
So I tried to talk to Andy again, but he just doesn't answer. I guess I should stop trying, but at the same time I don't see why I should not try... It's kind of hurting me, but there's no one else who I am in "love" anyway. I hate everyone else (well, that includes Andy actually...) And for a good reason.
Everyone believes in something. A religion, a state, a company, a capitalist product, love, someone, etc. And obviously since everyone else believes in it, or at least a lot of people do, then it is a good thing. Well, this is the worst idea ever, it's called being a sheep who only follows others without being able to think by itself. Because no, "I believe in God" does not come from your own "opinion" or "divination" or "spirituality" or whatever. It comes from your feeling to do like people around you, to be part of a group that seems right to you. And there is an enormous difference between thinking that a religion is good and believing in it. It is easy for me to think a video game is good, but if I start to believe in it, I will try to protect it, to tell other people about how it is better than other games, etc. I could have stopped with the "I like this game" but I decided to be part of it, I wanted to associate with it, and so as soon as someone told me about it, or told me they didn't like it, I will do everything to protect this game that I liked. Why? Because I don't know anything about video games. I don't know many, so of course I think the one I played was the best one, because it was a good one. If I look around much more, I will find out that out of all these video games, there's a whole bunch of different ones, and a lot of good ones. Which one is the best? Well, there is no best game, there're all good, they're all equal in itself, and we shouldn't try to make one better.
Why? Because it creates war. Believe in your video game and you will find someone else who believes in a different one. You will go to war against that person. War of words, maybe, but war anyway. And that's the first step to war between countries or ideologies. Because you think believing in something is a good thing since everyone else does it. But here I tell you, believing in anything is bad. It only causes harm, it doesn't even help you or your group of people. It shuts you down to only one thing when you could have experienced more. You make your country believing that it is the best one in the world when obviously everyone is equal.
So how do you stop to believe in anything? Well, it is pretty simple. But extremely hard at the same time. Simple because all you have to do is stop believing. You have a religious belief? Well, just remove it. You believe in love? Well, just stop believing it. And yes, it is extremely easy to do, since you don't have to change anyone else in the process but only you, and your brain is much smarter than you may think.
Now the difficult part. Even if beliefs are bad, not everyone knows it (or "believes" it; note here that you cannot believe that beliefs are bad, just like you cannot believe in knowledge) so it makes you alone around believers. And yes, it is hard, I can tell you personally. You will have to distance yourself from your friends, not because they are bad people, but because the interests (beliefs) you shared with them are not compatible anymore since you do not have them anymore. And so you have to find friends who do not hold beliefs, or as few as possible, and it is something really hard to do. And to find someone who does not hold any belief is still impossible. Maybe some day it will come, but don't wait for it. But at the same time, you do not want friends, you want peace, and so what is being alone while you make this world a better place for everyone?
Beliefs bring wars. This is now knowledge.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
1/25 I AM PISSED OFF
Ok, this doesn't happen to me normally, I'm a calm and rational person, but... this was too much...
So today I decided it was time to change my profile picture on facebook. Instead of a stupid picture of me, I wanted to be original, but couldn't find anything good. Anyway, later on I was looking at Daishi's blog and I really like a picture he took of a bridge in NYC. So I guess you see where I'm going with this. I decided it would be cool to use this picture for my profile, and so I did. I wrote down "Picture stolen from my boo! :)" because I consider Daishi as my really good friend (we used to say "boo" at that time, or at least kind of). Anyway, this was some kind of honor to him, since I really like him and thought it was nice. I didn't say who it was from or anything at all, but just knowing that other people would see it would make me happy, even if they wouldn't understand at all.
But guess what? Yeah, I got a text at 1am from Daishi. "Can you NOT steal my picture from my blog?"
Wow. Great. Awesome. Fabulous. Amazing.
No, seriously, wtf is wrong? First, I get to know that he's stalking on my profile even if he removed me and blocked me from seeing his profile. Anyway, I guess I don't mind that much about that (I mean, I'd like to see how he's doing, but I guess he doesn't want me to...) But then, he uses that to tell me what to change on my profile, as if "all of what I do is wrong"... no, seriously, how stupid can that be? I know Daishi, I devastated your life, I made it all a mess and it's all my fault, but seriously, WAKE UP!!!! Fuck, are you gonna stay like this all your life? Depressed and hating me? You think it's gonna help you? I'm not trying to make you happy or anything, I want to do it because that's the way I act towards people. I know you feel lonely and you want help, you want someone to take care of you, to be there for you. But if you say no to that person "because that person is wrong", then obviously you're not gonna get anything. You can't get what you want by being pessimistic. Try to get positive and look into what life gives you, instead of crying about what life has taken away from you...
I'm not asking for you to try to understand me. No one does, it would be way too complex for anyone. But just think twice before saying something that hurt me. And you've said a lot of shit to me in the past months. What about me? I haven't done anything bad to you except 1) trying to make feel happier, 2) trying to make you realize that I'm not a bad person and 3) hanging off a conversation we had on Skype in January when I was really pissed off and couldn't keep it anymore. And all the times you've been throwing shit at me and which I was keeping cool and trying to make you understand you were acting harshly, you still continue doing that? You still haven't learned that throwing shit at someone is not gonna make people happy?
Urgh... I changed my profile picture to a song in Japanese and English about world peace and how slow people were at making it happen. Yes, it's about you not being able to see what is good and that you make everyone else behind because of your egocentrism. Anyway, you probably don't care...
Ok, I think I need to write him an email. Cuz he's coming here in two days and I don't feel like this is gonna fun at all...
So today I decided it was time to change my profile picture on facebook. Instead of a stupid picture of me, I wanted to be original, but couldn't find anything good. Anyway, later on I was looking at Daishi's blog and I really like a picture he took of a bridge in NYC. So I guess you see where I'm going with this. I decided it would be cool to use this picture for my profile, and so I did. I wrote down "Picture stolen from my boo! :)" because I consider Daishi as my really good friend (we used to say "boo" at that time, or at least kind of). Anyway, this was some kind of honor to him, since I really like him and thought it was nice. I didn't say who it was from or anything at all, but just knowing that other people would see it would make me happy, even if they wouldn't understand at all.
But guess what? Yeah, I got a text at 1am from Daishi. "Can you NOT steal my picture from my blog?"
Wow. Great. Awesome. Fabulous. Amazing.
No, seriously, wtf is wrong? First, I get to know that he's stalking on my profile even if he removed me and blocked me from seeing his profile. Anyway, I guess I don't mind that much about that (I mean, I'd like to see how he's doing, but I guess he doesn't want me to...) But then, he uses that to tell me what to change on my profile, as if "all of what I do is wrong"... no, seriously, how stupid can that be? I know Daishi, I devastated your life, I made it all a mess and it's all my fault, but seriously, WAKE UP!!!! Fuck, are you gonna stay like this all your life? Depressed and hating me? You think it's gonna help you? I'm not trying to make you happy or anything, I want to do it because that's the way I act towards people. I know you feel lonely and you want help, you want someone to take care of you, to be there for you. But if you say no to that person "because that person is wrong", then obviously you're not gonna get anything. You can't get what you want by being pessimistic. Try to get positive and look into what life gives you, instead of crying about what life has taken away from you...
I'm not asking for you to try to understand me. No one does, it would be way too complex for anyone. But just think twice before saying something that hurt me. And you've said a lot of shit to me in the past months. What about me? I haven't done anything bad to you except 1) trying to make feel happier, 2) trying to make you realize that I'm not a bad person and 3) hanging off a conversation we had on Skype in January when I was really pissed off and couldn't keep it anymore. And all the times you've been throwing shit at me and which I was keeping cool and trying to make you understand you were acting harshly, you still continue doing that? You still haven't learned that throwing shit at someone is not gonna make people happy?
Urgh... I changed my profile picture to a song in Japanese and English about world peace and how slow people were at making it happen. Yes, it's about you not being able to see what is good and that you make everyone else behind because of your egocentrism. Anyway, you probably don't care...
Ok, I think I need to write him an email. Cuz he's coming here in two days and I don't feel like this is gonna fun at all...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
2/24 Admiration for Andy
All I want is to sleep with Andy. Hug him. Feel him. That's it. Why does it make me cry right now? What is so special about him? Because I don't think he is anything special. He is just a random guy like anyone else.
For example, Eason was super nice. One of the nicest guy I've known. And sex was great with him. And hanging out with him was awesome too. But maybe I wasn't admiring him so much. I didn't think of him as someone smarter than me or better in average. He was just an awesome guy.
So it comes back to this admiration. Why do I admire Andy? I'm not so sure. But seriously I do admire him a lot. I guess he is what I would like to be in some ways, and in others he is different from me and this is what I like, I do not want to be like him, just to observe what he does. Wait, to observe. It is an important concept.
I think I want to look at him, I want to see what happens in his life, I want to know more about him, I want to see things I have never seen from someone else. And yes, I am and have always been an observer. I observe people around me. That's all I do. I guess this passive role will transform into an active role, one I have been slowly starting by thinking how to bring world peace in this world. And I think he is really different from other average people, so that's why he is my research subject, why I have admiration for him, and why I love him.
For example, Eason was super nice. One of the nicest guy I've known. And sex was great with him. And hanging out with him was awesome too. But maybe I wasn't admiring him so much. I didn't think of him as someone smarter than me or better in average. He was just an awesome guy.
So it comes back to this admiration. Why do I admire Andy? I'm not so sure. But seriously I do admire him a lot. I guess he is what I would like to be in some ways, and in others he is different from me and this is what I like, I do not want to be like him, just to observe what he does. Wait, to observe. It is an important concept.
I think I want to look at him, I want to see what happens in his life, I want to know more about him, I want to see things I have never seen from someone else. And yes, I am and have always been an observer. I observe people around me. That's all I do. I guess this passive role will transform into an active role, one I have been slowly starting by thinking how to bring world peace in this world. And I think he is really different from other average people, so that's why he is my research subject, why I have admiration for him, and why I love him.
2/24 Going Brown Again
So I decided to listen to The Flashbulb again, and... it made me remind of Andy so much... not that I forgot him, but he didn't answer to my texts, so I did give up a little bit. But I guess I had to try again, so I texted him again today, with no answer. Then I saw him on facebook and we talked a little bit. He can make me happy so easily, and I don't think it's forced at all. I really miss him. I realize he's the one and probably only one who can really make me happy, who is able to get me out of my depression-like state.
Two days ago Fan came to my place (he wanted sex but didn't say it) and in the end I didn't give him sex, I just hugged him for really long and told him that we should only be friends and not even fuck friends. He was really glad about it, and I was too. I've been liking sex less and less, so even if he insisted I didn't want to have sex. Yesterday this "Kliente" guy (Fritz is his real name, according to my good stalking skills!) made me go to his place. We had a long talk and I didn't want to have sex with him, but we slept together and we did have a little sex... Anyway, I think it arrived at the right moment since Sunday Daishi is coming over!
Daishi... I think I want to do the same thing I did with Fan. I want to give him a big hug, like I've never hugged anyone before, and show him all the love I have for him and that he doesn't think anyone has for him. I want to make him realize that he is special and loved, and that he doesn't need to feel depressed because of that. And maybe make him see who I am, that I am still the same person he used to like, and so that way he wouldn't hate me anymore. I don't really mind what he thinks about me, but I do mind about him being sad because of what he thinks of me.
But yet in all of these good friends, why is Andy so special? Why do I want him to recognize me? Just because he is hard to get? Why am I thinking about not having sex with anyone but him, but yet I can't give that promise to any other guy who wants to be in a relationship with me? Because I think his way of thinking is similar to mine, and so everything, except sex, would work perfectly? So I would be ready to compromise for him, especially since I've been bored of sex with strangers? I don't know, this is weird... but I'm getting all brown again. Which is good I guess, because it makes me think about someone I love...
Monday, February 21, 2011
2/21 Love
1) Well, first, what is love?
From passages on Wikipedia, this is what it is:
---
Love is a universal concept related to affinity, with different interpretations depending on the point of view taken (personal, philosophic, artistic, religious, scientific). In the Western World, love is considered an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. In some religious contexts, love is not just a virtue, but the basis for all being, as in the Christian phrase, “God is love” or Agape in the Canonical gospels. Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion. Or as actions towards others based on affection.
This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
Buddhism sets attachment and desire as negative emotions that release anger and cause suffering; love and ego are incompatible. In the buddhist philosophy, true love is compassionate love.[7] For pure altruism (unconditional love for one's neighbor), there is nothing to trade with; social relationships are not competitive, but collaborative: one seeks others' well-being and others seek one's; that's also the philosophy of human relationships preached by Jesus Christ (“love your neighbor as yourself”). Pure altruism is also Gottfried Leibniz's conception of love; he states that “to love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another”.
The above conception (pure altruism) is diametrically opposed to the conception of capitalism, which promotes the so called inherent selfishness of the human being, and on which it's supported. Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari consider that capitalism produces a perversion of the natural concept of love, by placing the human being as a part of a production machine, and thus destructing the concepts of body and soul. Ayn Rand, on the other side, states that selfishness is in essence a noble feeling (one should be responsible for his own happiness, and not others'). In the same line, Sigmund Freud thinks that unconditional love leads to perpetual dissatisfaction: “When you were incontestably the favorite child of your mother, you keep during your lifetime this victor feeling, you keep feeling sure of success, which in reality seldom doesn’t fulfill”.
Science defines what could be understood as love as an evolved state of the survival instinct, primarily used to keep human beings together against menaces and to facilitate the continuation of the species through reproduction.
---
What does this all say? Well, it says that love is defined either as altruist or selfish. Which one is yours? Well, you probably believe in selfish love, or capitalist love, like almost everyone else. Why is that? Well, I think it is quite simple, the society makes us believe that this is the right defintion for love, and it has been part of the culture all your life (e.g. Disney movies) and so you believe it is right since it is true that it is adopted everywhere.
Now you may have guessed that I do not believe in selfish love but altruist love. If you do not want me to use my definition of love, then let's say that I only consider everyone as equal, and I have the same feelings for everyone. So I "love" my closest friends as much as I "love" the complete stranger living in a different country that I have never met or heard of before.
TBC (I am too sick right now...)
From passages on Wikipedia, this is what it is:
---
Love is a universal concept related to affinity, with different interpretations depending on the point of view taken (personal, philosophic, artistic, religious, scientific). In the Western World, love is considered an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. In some religious contexts, love is not just a virtue, but the basis for all being, as in the Christian phrase, “God is love” or Agape in the Canonical gospels. Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion. Or as actions towards others based on affection.
This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
Buddhism sets attachment and desire as negative emotions that release anger and cause suffering; love and ego are incompatible. In the buddhist philosophy, true love is compassionate love.[7] For pure altruism (unconditional love for one's neighbor), there is nothing to trade with; social relationships are not competitive, but collaborative: one seeks others' well-being and others seek one's; that's also the philosophy of human relationships preached by Jesus Christ (“love your neighbor as yourself”). Pure altruism is also Gottfried Leibniz's conception of love; he states that “to love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another”.
The above conception (pure altruism) is diametrically opposed to the conception of capitalism, which promotes the so called inherent selfishness of the human being, and on which it's supported. Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari consider that capitalism produces a perversion of the natural concept of love, by placing the human being as a part of a production machine, and thus destructing the concepts of body and soul. Ayn Rand, on the other side, states that selfishness is in essence a noble feeling (one should be responsible for his own happiness, and not others'). In the same line, Sigmund Freud thinks that unconditional love leads to perpetual dissatisfaction: “When you were incontestably the favorite child of your mother, you keep during your lifetime this victor feeling, you keep feeling sure of success, which in reality seldom doesn’t fulfill”.
Science defines what could be understood as love as an evolved state of the survival instinct, primarily used to keep human beings together against menaces and to facilitate the continuation of the species through reproduction.
---
What does this all say? Well, it says that love is defined either as altruist or selfish. Which one is yours? Well, you probably believe in selfish love, or capitalist love, like almost everyone else. Why is that? Well, I think it is quite simple, the society makes us believe that this is the right defintion for love, and it has been part of the culture all your life (e.g. Disney movies) and so you believe it is right since it is true that it is adopted everywhere.
Now you may have guessed that I do not believe in selfish love but altruist love. If you do not want me to use my definition of love, then let's say that I only consider everyone as equal, and I have the same feelings for everyone. So I "love" my closest friends as much as I "love" the complete stranger living in a different country that I have never met or heard of before.
TBC (I am too sick right now...)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
2/15 Daishi
It's kind weird... Daishi is coming soon (in less than two weeks) and I'm really excited about him coming here. I know it's gonna be a lot of fun, even if he comes here with a bad mood, cuz I like him and I'll make him happy :)
But at the same time I'm stressed out a bit... we're probably gonna fight, I'll do and say things that will make him sad, etc. And I don't know what to do. It's the last time I'll see him before he goes to Japan, and it's really sad... I think I said it before, but I still have really strong feelings for him and I know he did too. But just because I'm nihilist it can't work out :(
Anyway, if I keep thinking about it I'm gonna start to cry...
But at the same time I'm stressed out a bit... we're probably gonna fight, I'll do and say things that will make him sad, etc. And I don't know what to do. It's the last time I'll see him before he goes to Japan, and it's really sad... I think I said it before, but I still have really strong feelings for him and I know he did too. But just because I'm nihilist it can't work out :(
Anyway, if I keep thinking about it I'm gonna start to cry...
Monday, February 14, 2011
2/14 Email to Fan
So today I decided to write an email to Fan, since he didn't want to meet me at school (he was supposed to hand me back $40 from last weekend...) So here it is:
---
Hey!
You asked me why I wanted to break up, and I never really answered you. I actually think you should know why, because it doesn't have anything to do with you, but only me.
You know, you really are an awesome guy, super open-minded, interested in others and worried about your friends, funny and talkative, but also you're a lovely smiling person, a smart guy with a really impressive memory, and you are super cute :)
But even with all of this, the problem is that I cannot be in a relationship. A contemporary relationship is for me the capitalist possession of a human being, and even if I try to behave like everyone around me, I feel really sick and need to get out of it. I was looking for an open relationship so that this possession wouldn't happen, but I realized it did, and I had to stop it. I know I hurt you by breaking up, and I feel really bad about both the break up and all the relationship, because I should have thought before that it wouldn't have worked out with my weird concepts of life. Now make me promise that I will never be in a relationship!
You probably think I don't love you anymore, but it isn't true. I still love you (maybe like I love my family or my close friends, but anyway, that's the only love I've been able to give/feel to anyone). I wanted to see you today not for the money, but just to see you, because I still have feelings for you. I'm not sure exactly what I was looking for in this short meeting, but I guess just seeing you smiling would have been enough. Anyway, it's fine if you don't want to see me again, you can keep the money, I really don't mind. I don't think I really deserve to ask you for something after what I did to you, and how I wasn't supportive. I guess I was just afraid of having to tell you the truth, and thought that by not saying anything you would feel better. Not sure if this email can make you feel better or something, but at least now you know why I decided to break up.
I'd like if you could still be my friend. Like a good and close friend of mine. You obviously don't have to, and I would understand if you didn't want to. If you think I'm an idiot, if you hate me, if you disagree or anything, just tell me, cuz that's what friends do! :)
And even if I'm not your boyfriend anymore, I still love you and wish you a happy Valentine's Day! :)
<3
Take care!
---
Then he came here to my place, and he definitely wanted to have sex, but I stopped him from it, and he went away after 30 minutes. I had to study for my exam, but anyway... and need to get back to it! :)
---
Hey!
You asked me why I wanted to break up, and I never really answered you. I actually think you should know why, because it doesn't have anything to do with you, but only me.
You know, you really are an awesome guy, super open-minded, interested in others and worried about your friends, funny and talkative, but also you're a lovely smiling person, a smart guy with a really impressive memory, and you are super cute :)
But even with all of this, the problem is that I cannot be in a relationship. A contemporary relationship is for me the capitalist possession of a human being, and even if I try to behave like everyone around me, I feel really sick and need to get out of it. I was looking for an open relationship so that this possession wouldn't happen, but I realized it did, and I had to stop it. I know I hurt you by breaking up, and I feel really bad about both the break up and all the relationship, because I should have thought before that it wouldn't have worked out with my weird concepts of life. Now make me promise that I will never be in a relationship!
You probably think I don't love you anymore, but it isn't true. I still love you (maybe like I love my family or my close friends, but anyway, that's the only love I've been able to give/feel to anyone). I wanted to see you today not for the money, but just to see you, because I still have feelings for you. I'm not sure exactly what I was looking for in this short meeting, but I guess just seeing you smiling would have been enough. Anyway, it's fine if you don't want to see me again, you can keep the money, I really don't mind. I don't think I really deserve to ask you for something after what I did to you, and how I wasn't supportive. I guess I was just afraid of having to tell you the truth, and thought that by not saying anything you would feel better. Not sure if this email can make you feel better or something, but at least now you know why I decided to break up.
I'd like if you could still be my friend. Like a good and close friend of mine. You obviously don't have to, and I would understand if you didn't want to. If you think I'm an idiot, if you hate me, if you disagree or anything, just tell me, cuz that's what friends do! :)
And even if I'm not your boyfriend anymore, I still love you and wish you a happy Valentine's Day! :)
<3
Take care!
---
Then he came here to my place, and he definitely wanted to have sex, but I stopped him from it, and he went away after 30 minutes. I had to study for my exam, but anyway... and need to get back to it! :)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
2/11 - 2/12 Yesterday
So yesterday and today were pretty intense days, and so I need to talk about them here!
I woke up at 8am for school (noteworthy is that I didn't sleep much for the past two days since I am thinking too much about all the stuff written on my blog), had an interview for my project, then went to my class, had lunch, went to the gym (I took a shower there for the first time! lol), had another interview later on, got some Japanese books from my teacher, learned about the resignation of Mubarak, etc.
Then, I went with Fan to this place at McGill where they sell beers at $1 or $1.50, and we got three each (which made him completely drunk), then we went back to my place, he bought some sake, and we tried having anal sex, but it was hurting him too much... it's like every time he says it's my fault for not being hard enough, and now it's like my fault too for "making him bleed" (he was definitely not bleeding, but just wanted to make me feel like it was my fault if it was not working...) After that he fucked me, but I was sort of pissed off, so I just said I wanted to go to pee, and we didn't finish having sex.
Then we slept a bit, and thought about going to Stereo later on. I didn't think it was a good idea to go with him, but at the same time, I just thought why not? So we went, the music was good (it felt a bit cheesy at some points, but at least the speakers were good and the place was awesome :) The problem? the guy with me... He seemed bored, and was being really annoying. He would try to go down the stairs and not being able to walk properly, just so that I feel bad, help him and decide to go back with him. But I clearly told him before that I would stay longer. And so I did, and he left (well he went to sleep at my place).
I have to say at this point I was really pissed off. I realized how much I actually don't like being with him at all, and that I've never liked it. I wanted to try something different, but actually that's not what I wanted I guess. I thought difference would interest me, but I was wrong. Anyway, at this point, I was ready to tell him I wanted to break up. So a bit later, when I realized it wasn't fun to be at Stereo when you don't know anyone, I came back home, and just slept, even if he was in the same bed. I was really dead so whenever he wanted to touch me I would say no. He wanted me to turn around so that he could hug me... But I wanted to SLEEP, not have sex... and so he was pissed off and he left. Good for him.
Later on after I woke up I sent him a text saying I wanted to break up, and he called me back and asked why and all the usual stuff. I don't answer to these questions, mostly because it is so stupid. I broke up three times, and every time the guys want to know exactly why so that they hate me and feel better. But I don't answer them, cuz I don't think that's the good way to do it. Anyway, he's still texting me and all the stuff...
I guess it made me realize some stuff. First, I don't know if I want a relationship or not. I surely want friends, and I seem to want sex (even if I'm not sure anymore), but as for a gf/bf? don't know. What's the use of it? Well, I guess if Andy asked me, I would probably say yes and it wouldn't be an open relationship, but idk... It's not like it's gonna happen or work out! lol
But I guess what I like about someone is not that person being different from me. It is this person being different from the average society, and thinking differently. I like anarchists and nihilists and that kind of people. And that's why I think I like Andy, because he doesn't follow the rules given by the society, or at least that's what I think. Fan, as much as he seems "wild", is actually a good boy who doesn't think more than a monkey. And these people, I have never really liked them. So it's not about being wild or not, being different from me or not, being interesting or not, but about being radical and sharing beliefs I have. That's the kind of people I like. And I should probably look towards this in the future instead!
Hmmm, it's probably gonna be super difficult, but I have numerous years in front of me! And I don't have to find anyone, I guess I could remain single!
Ok, time to go work! or maybe play a little bit of FFXIII? (since it's been a long time and I want to see what the graphics look like on the super HD screen! :) )
I woke up at 8am for school (noteworthy is that I didn't sleep much for the past two days since I am thinking too much about all the stuff written on my blog), had an interview for my project, then went to my class, had lunch, went to the gym (I took a shower there for the first time! lol), had another interview later on, got some Japanese books from my teacher, learned about the resignation of Mubarak, etc.
Then, I went with Fan to this place at McGill where they sell beers at $1 or $1.50, and we got three each (which made him completely drunk), then we went back to my place, he bought some sake, and we tried having anal sex, but it was hurting him too much... it's like every time he says it's my fault for not being hard enough, and now it's like my fault too for "making him bleed" (he was definitely not bleeding, but just wanted to make me feel like it was my fault if it was not working...) After that he fucked me, but I was sort of pissed off, so I just said I wanted to go to pee, and we didn't finish having sex.
Then we slept a bit, and thought about going to Stereo later on. I didn't think it was a good idea to go with him, but at the same time, I just thought why not? So we went, the music was good (it felt a bit cheesy at some points, but at least the speakers were good and the place was awesome :) The problem? the guy with me... He seemed bored, and was being really annoying. He would try to go down the stairs and not being able to walk properly, just so that I feel bad, help him and decide to go back with him. But I clearly told him before that I would stay longer. And so I did, and he left (well he went to sleep at my place).
I have to say at this point I was really pissed off. I realized how much I actually don't like being with him at all, and that I've never liked it. I wanted to try something different, but actually that's not what I wanted I guess. I thought difference would interest me, but I was wrong. Anyway, at this point, I was ready to tell him I wanted to break up. So a bit later, when I realized it wasn't fun to be at Stereo when you don't know anyone, I came back home, and just slept, even if he was in the same bed. I was really dead so whenever he wanted to touch me I would say no. He wanted me to turn around so that he could hug me... But I wanted to SLEEP, not have sex... and so he was pissed off and he left. Good for him.
Later on after I woke up I sent him a text saying I wanted to break up, and he called me back and asked why and all the usual stuff. I don't answer to these questions, mostly because it is so stupid. I broke up three times, and every time the guys want to know exactly why so that they hate me and feel better. But I don't answer them, cuz I don't think that's the good way to do it. Anyway, he's still texting me and all the stuff...
I guess it made me realize some stuff. First, I don't know if I want a relationship or not. I surely want friends, and I seem to want sex (even if I'm not sure anymore), but as for a gf/bf? don't know. What's the use of it? Well, I guess if Andy asked me, I would probably say yes and it wouldn't be an open relationship, but idk... It's not like it's gonna happen or work out! lol
But I guess what I like about someone is not that person being different from me. It is this person being different from the average society, and thinking differently. I like anarchists and nihilists and that kind of people. And that's why I think I like Andy, because he doesn't follow the rules given by the society, or at least that's what I think. Fan, as much as he seems "wild", is actually a good boy who doesn't think more than a monkey. And these people, I have never really liked them. So it's not about being wild or not, being different from me or not, being interesting or not, but about being radical and sharing beliefs I have. That's the kind of people I like. And I should probably look towards this in the future instead!
Hmmm, it's probably gonna be super difficult, but I have numerous years in front of me! And I don't have to find anyone, I guess I could remain single!
Ok, time to go work! or maybe play a little bit of FFXIII? (since it's been a long time and I want to see what the graphics look like on the super HD screen! :) )
Thursday, February 10, 2011
2/10 Interest Disorder
Guillaume, my best friend and roommate, told me about something interesting. He made a comparison with a song. Why do I keep listening to a same song when I already know it? Well, because I like it I guess. Well, why do I like that song? Because I have an interest for it.
But I do not want to listen to the same song over and over again anymore. For example, even if I did like some pop songs, I don't listen to them anymore cuz I don't want to listen to the same thing over and over again. I want to hear new sounds, new voices, etc. The world is immense and I want to have a piece of everything. I like to come back at what I don't remember just so that I refresh my memory when I don't remember it. But it is just because I want to have it clear in my head. When I fully know a song by heart, with all its details, I skip to another one. And when I listened to a same style too much, when I get to know how it's made, I skip to the next one. I might come back to it later on, but just quickly and not necessarily because I like it a lot, since I always end up not liking things in the end. For example, right now I like this tune from The Flashbulb, but I know for sure that in two months I won't anymore. It's part of life, my tastes change really quickly. I can't like the same thing for too long.
And I think that is my main problem. I think most people can like the same things over and over again, without being sick of it. Well, I can't. I need change. I always need change. I can't stand doing the same thing everyday. Every single of my days have to be different. Or else I get sick and depressed. I have to learn new things, in different ways, with different people, at different places, etc. If I can't do that, I will get depressed. And is it a bad thing? Probably not.
But it also means I can't stand living with the same person all of my life. I can't stand doing the same job all of my life. I can't stand having the same friends all of my life. It sounds probably stupid and over-reacting, but it is so true. I've tried long term relationships, and I just can't do it at all, no matter how good they are or not. But because I want to see both sides, I will go on trying to find in my life some interests that I have been keeping for some years now.
Guillaume, who I know for 6 years now I think, have been a good friend of mine since the beginning. Why? Maybe because he changes a lot too. We share a lot of things together, and even if we don't like the same things at priori, we try to get to know different things all the time. So in that way, he is similar to me, he wants to discover new things all the time, so I guess that's why I'm still interested in him being my friend.
Video games are all different, and I try to play many different styles, so I guess it doesn't really count. Films and every media is the same I guess.
Asia? Well, I don't know if I really am interested in Asia. I would like to think I am not anymore, or not as much. I guess I am just because I have a lot of knowledge on Asia because of my major, but I don't think I have such a passion for it anymore. I'd like to live there, it's true, but I think it's just because I'd like to perfect the languages I have learned for so long.
Sex. lol. But seriously, I've liked sex for a really long time, and I still do. It changed forms sometimes (from straight porn, to gay porn, to hookups) but in the end I still like watching any porn and experience sex. It sounds crazy, but it is probably my biggest passion!
I was looking on Wikipedia at mental disorders. I don't think I have any, seriously. I'm just smarter than everyone else and so that's why I'm considered crazy? lol anyway, I don't know what's my problem, I'll try to keep looking for it! I have an interest disorder! lol
But I do not want to listen to the same song over and over again anymore. For example, even if I did like some pop songs, I don't listen to them anymore cuz I don't want to listen to the same thing over and over again. I want to hear new sounds, new voices, etc. The world is immense and I want to have a piece of everything. I like to come back at what I don't remember just so that I refresh my memory when I don't remember it. But it is just because I want to have it clear in my head. When I fully know a song by heart, with all its details, I skip to another one. And when I listened to a same style too much, when I get to know how it's made, I skip to the next one. I might come back to it later on, but just quickly and not necessarily because I like it a lot, since I always end up not liking things in the end. For example, right now I like this tune from The Flashbulb, but I know for sure that in two months I won't anymore. It's part of life, my tastes change really quickly. I can't like the same thing for too long.
And I think that is my main problem. I think most people can like the same things over and over again, without being sick of it. Well, I can't. I need change. I always need change. I can't stand doing the same thing everyday. Every single of my days have to be different. Or else I get sick and depressed. I have to learn new things, in different ways, with different people, at different places, etc. If I can't do that, I will get depressed. And is it a bad thing? Probably not.
But it also means I can't stand living with the same person all of my life. I can't stand doing the same job all of my life. I can't stand having the same friends all of my life. It sounds probably stupid and over-reacting, but it is so true. I've tried long term relationships, and I just can't do it at all, no matter how good they are or not. But because I want to see both sides, I will go on trying to find in my life some interests that I have been keeping for some years now.
Guillaume, who I know for 6 years now I think, have been a good friend of mine since the beginning. Why? Maybe because he changes a lot too. We share a lot of things together, and even if we don't like the same things at priori, we try to get to know different things all the time. So in that way, he is similar to me, he wants to discover new things all the time, so I guess that's why I'm still interested in him being my friend.
Video games are all different, and I try to play many different styles, so I guess it doesn't really count. Films and every media is the same I guess.
Asia? Well, I don't know if I really am interested in Asia. I would like to think I am not anymore, or not as much. I guess I am just because I have a lot of knowledge on Asia because of my major, but I don't think I have such a passion for it anymore. I'd like to live there, it's true, but I think it's just because I'd like to perfect the languages I have learned for so long.
Sex. lol. But seriously, I've liked sex for a really long time, and I still do. It changed forms sometimes (from straight porn, to gay porn, to hookups) but in the end I still like watching any porn and experience sex. It sounds crazy, but it is probably my biggest passion!
I was looking on Wikipedia at mental disorders. I don't think I have any, seriously. I'm just smarter than everyone else and so that's why I'm considered crazy? lol anyway, I don't know what's my problem, I'll try to keep looking for it! I have an interest disorder! lol
2/10 Love and Reading of my Blog
So I've been reading all of my blog, so that I find what has changed and what didn't.
I found that my priorities changed. In my first post, I was looking for 1) sex, 2) friends, 3) love, and now I'm not really sure, but it looks like something like this: 1) find this special friend/lover, 2) get to know more people like me, 3) go out, 4) make as many people as possible happy, 5) make world peace with my ideas. I have to think more about it before I can say this is right, but but I indeed do not think about having sex anymore, which is weird... anyway...
And then by reading another post, I realized that I started a relationship with Fan so that he would "make me bad". I think that's pretty much it. I want to be a bad guy. And Fan is not making me feel that way. He is not extreme enough for me. I think I should break up, that would be something bad. And try to get back with Andy? I just texted him, about the clothing stuff, and since he hasn't replied yet, I assume it's a big no...
And I don't want to go to my class, so I'm skipping Adrienne's class... I'll probably just send her my translation that I finished at 5:30am this morning...
Oh, Andy's text... Oh, that was a yes in the end... for next weekend. I've always had to go for him since he would not do the first steps. But that's mostly what I always do anyway with everyone. I guess it's not because no one is interested in me, but more because I do like it that way (since no one would try to get to me anyway lol)
I just posted lots of new pictures on facebook, old ones, and the first one for my webcam model application (I have clothes on this one lol) Guess people are gonna react badly like they always do... but it's just that I'm tired of my previous pics and that's the only recent one I can find :P
I'm reading what I think is the most important post on all of my blog (1/13/11; or at least the most dramatic) and some thoughts about love come to me. I don't know about other people, but I think for me love is admiration. I love someone who is different from me because I admire that person. I always knew I liked people who were completely different, and who I could never finish to know about that person, but maybe it's just some kind of admiration I have on that person. I want to know more and more about her/him because s/he is smarter than me. And maybe that is what I feel with Alex and Andy. I am in a kind of love because I admire the person they are and would like to know much more about them. It makes sense to some degrees in every relationship I guess, but I'll just say it is only my case so that I don't think about other people too much (lol, I'm so egocentric! :P )
I think the same thing happened with Daishi for example. I would admire him for the person he was, and then when I get to know him more, I realized he was not so worth my admiration, and so I wasn't in love with him anymore. And then Fan too. I was in admiration for his eccentricity, and I wanted to know more about him, so that was what made me fall in love with him. But like I said, I realized he was not so different from anyone else, so I ended up not in love anymore. I think the person I need to find should be a really crazy guy who would never be settled down, so that there would always be something to get from him, so that I would always admire that person. For example, as much as I love my professor Adrienne, it is only because I have admiration for her. I am in love because I see in her someone who is different from others, and so she interests me. And when you are a kid, you are in love with your parents, and then your teacher, etc. for the same reasons, because they feel so smart from your point of view that you are in admiration with them. And what happens when you realize you are at the same level as your parents? You don't love them anymore. Or at least I don't, sorry, I guess people still love their parents and still love their bf/gf, but I don't. A last example could be my love for Asians, as I have a lot of admiration for them.
So I finished reading all of my blog. Took me some hours! What should I do next? Break up on Fan and try to get Andy? That might be hard, but motivating, right? I don't know, should I just wait a little bit and see, for example during the study break? Well, I don't have much choice anyway...
I found that my priorities changed. In my first post, I was looking for 1) sex, 2) friends, 3) love, and now I'm not really sure, but it looks like something like this: 1) find this special friend/lover, 2) get to know more people like me, 3) go out, 4) make as many people as possible happy, 5) make world peace with my ideas. I have to think more about it before I can say this is right, but but I indeed do not think about having sex anymore, which is weird... anyway...
And then by reading another post, I realized that I started a relationship with Fan so that he would "make me bad". I think that's pretty much it. I want to be a bad guy. And Fan is not making me feel that way. He is not extreme enough for me. I think I should break up, that would be something bad. And try to get back with Andy? I just texted him, about the clothing stuff, and since he hasn't replied yet, I assume it's a big no...
And I don't want to go to my class, so I'm skipping Adrienne's class... I'll probably just send her my translation that I finished at 5:30am this morning...
Oh, Andy's text... Oh, that was a yes in the end... for next weekend. I've always had to go for him since he would not do the first steps. But that's mostly what I always do anyway with everyone. I guess it's not because no one is interested in me, but more because I do like it that way (since no one would try to get to me anyway lol)
I just posted lots of new pictures on facebook, old ones, and the first one for my webcam model application (I have clothes on this one lol) Guess people are gonna react badly like they always do... but it's just that I'm tired of my previous pics and that's the only recent one I can find :P
I'm reading what I think is the most important post on all of my blog (1/13/11; or at least the most dramatic) and some thoughts about love come to me. I don't know about other people, but I think for me love is admiration. I love someone who is different from me because I admire that person. I always knew I liked people who were completely different, and who I could never finish to know about that person, but maybe it's just some kind of admiration I have on that person. I want to know more and more about her/him because s/he is smarter than me. And maybe that is what I feel with Alex and Andy. I am in a kind of love because I admire the person they are and would like to know much more about them. It makes sense to some degrees in every relationship I guess, but I'll just say it is only my case so that I don't think about other people too much (lol, I'm so egocentric! :P )
I think the same thing happened with Daishi for example. I would admire him for the person he was, and then when I get to know him more, I realized he was not so worth my admiration, and so I wasn't in love with him anymore. And then Fan too. I was in admiration for his eccentricity, and I wanted to know more about him, so that was what made me fall in love with him. But like I said, I realized he was not so different from anyone else, so I ended up not in love anymore. I think the person I need to find should be a really crazy guy who would never be settled down, so that there would always be something to get from him, so that I would always admire that person. For example, as much as I love my professor Adrienne, it is only because I have admiration for her. I am in love because I see in her someone who is different from others, and so she interests me. And when you are a kid, you are in love with your parents, and then your teacher, etc. for the same reasons, because they feel so smart from your point of view that you are in admiration with them. And what happens when you realize you are at the same level as your parents? You don't love them anymore. Or at least I don't, sorry, I guess people still love their parents and still love their bf/gf, but I don't. A last example could be my love for Asians, as I have a lot of admiration for them.
So I finished reading all of my blog. Took me some hours! What should I do next? Break up on Fan and try to get Andy? That might be hard, but motivating, right? I don't know, should I just wait a little bit and see, for example during the study break? Well, I don't have much choice anyway...
2/10 I'm in love
Fourth post today (well, it's past midnight...)
I just realized, or to be more accurate I've thought about it a lot, but...
I'm in love. Yep. And guess with who?
Yeah, Andy.
He started this blog actually. And I miss him. Do I need to believe that it is never going to work and just move on? Or should I try to be really good friends, as I am only looking for love (as friendship) and not necessarily sex.
We'll... see... :( I guess... but I miss him. seriously... :(
I just realized, or to be more accurate I've thought about it a lot, but...
I'm in love. Yep. And guess with who?
Yeah, Andy.
He started this blog actually. And I miss him. Do I need to believe that it is never going to work and just move on? Or should I try to be really good friends, as I am only looking for love (as friendship) and not necessarily sex.
We'll... see... :( I guess... but I miss him. seriously... :(
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
2/9 Sergei
I made this blog a secret from everyone I knew, mostly because I don't want them to know what I write here. Some people know some parts of it, and I don't talk about everything since I expect how they would react and I'm not looking for drama.
I thought my best friend and now roommate could some day read my blog. But I realized he sometimes act like everyone else, i.e. he tells me that some of the things I do are wrong. And I've been thinking about someone else who might be worth reading my blog, and couldn't find anyone.
But I have to say I'm ashamed I forgot Sergei. Sergei is like a brother to me, he's been around my life and helping me out for 4 years now I think. He's that sexy 小黑 guy who I could keep on talking with forever. And I never met him yet, but I'm sure it's gonna happen some day.
Anyway, I think if Sergei was to read my blog, he would try to understand me, what I'm going through, and would help me by going further in my thoughts, giving me suggestions, etc. But he wouldn't tell me what to do or be disgusted by things I do.
Thanks bro~ Love ya! xxx
I thought my best friend and now roommate could some day read my blog. But I realized he sometimes act like everyone else, i.e. he tells me that some of the things I do are wrong. And I've been thinking about someone else who might be worth reading my blog, and couldn't find anyone.
But I have to say I'm ashamed I forgot Sergei. Sergei is like a brother to me, he's been around my life and helping me out for 4 years now I think. He's that sexy 小黑 guy who I could keep on talking with forever. And I never met him yet, but I'm sure it's gonna happen some day.
Anyway, I think if Sergei was to read my blog, he would try to understand me, what I'm going through, and would help me by going further in my thoughts, giving me suggestions, etc. But he wouldn't tell me what to do or be disgusted by things I do.
Thanks bro~ Love ya! xxx
2/9 Zettai ni daijoubu yo!
But why should I worry about the future? Let's just enjoy the present and have fun! :) We'll see what happens and I'll just have to be myself to handle any situation!
Oh, and I really want to ask Andy if he wants to buy with/for me new clothes that are better than mine! :) I probably will need some money, but if I do well on webcam, I might get some! :)
Oh, and I really want to ask Andy if he wants to buy with/for me new clothes that are better than mine! :) I probably will need some money, but if I do well on webcam, I might get some! :)
2/9 Study break
So, a lot of things are coming soon. I don't really know how to handle them...
First, I got a job at a webcam modelling agency, I am waiting for them to process, but they say 2 to 4 weeks before I can start... Oh well, it will give me a small break :)
Then there's stupid Valentine's day next Monday. I have no idea what to give to Fan, and the more I think about it, the less I actually want to give him something. He told me I didn't have to, and he might be sincere, so I guess I should just be myself and not give him anything. And only spend some time with him? Yeah, we'll see....
Eason is coming on the weekend of 19th-21st. I actually kind of miss him, maybe because I was too drunk to actually remember that he was not so great, but it might be fun to spend the weekend with him, specially since it's gonna be the beginning of the study break! :)
Then there's Fan's birthday on Feb 25th. Urgh... I HAVE to buy something, right? But I don't fucking want to... >_< He's probably gonna be super excited about doing something together and blablabla. Oh, and he wants me to fuck him before he gets 22, which I don't really like doing... (you know I don't like sex that much... or at least I don't wanna be top...) Anyway, we'll see, that's not what's worrying me the most...
Daishi will be coming here on Feb 27th for two weeks... Not that I don't want to, but it's gonna be hard to have a life... especially since I still have feelings for him and everything :/ and there will be Fan, and school, and maybe even my new work, and the speech contest, and all the stuff. How am I supposed to "take care of him" while he stays here? And he wants to go to Toronto, which I also want to do, but maybe I should stay here instead... it would give me some time to relax I guess.
And on a bright side, Stephen wants to go to Stereo someday soon, so it's gonna be fun! :) I obviously need to go buy some more clothes, I might ask Fan to go shopping this weekend! lol Can you keep me more busy? :P
Anyway, I don't know how the next weeks are gonna be. Wish me luck! @_@
First, I got a job at a webcam modelling agency, I am waiting for them to process, but they say 2 to 4 weeks before I can start... Oh well, it will give me a small break :)
Then there's stupid Valentine's day next Monday. I have no idea what to give to Fan, and the more I think about it, the less I actually want to give him something. He told me I didn't have to, and he might be sincere, so I guess I should just be myself and not give him anything. And only spend some time with him? Yeah, we'll see....
Eason is coming on the weekend of 19th-21st. I actually kind of miss him, maybe because I was too drunk to actually remember that he was not so great, but it might be fun to spend the weekend with him, specially since it's gonna be the beginning of the study break! :)
Then there's Fan's birthday on Feb 25th. Urgh... I HAVE to buy something, right? But I don't fucking want to... >_< He's probably gonna be super excited about doing something together and blablabla. Oh, and he wants me to fuck him before he gets 22, which I don't really like doing... (you know I don't like sex that much... or at least I don't wanna be top...) Anyway, we'll see, that's not what's worrying me the most...
Daishi will be coming here on Feb 27th for two weeks... Not that I don't want to, but it's gonna be hard to have a life... especially since I still have feelings for him and everything :/ and there will be Fan, and school, and maybe even my new work, and the speech contest, and all the stuff. How am I supposed to "take care of him" while he stays here? And he wants to go to Toronto, which I also want to do, but maybe I should stay here instead... it would give me some time to relax I guess.
And on a bright side, Stephen wants to go to Stereo someday soon, so it's gonna be fun! :) I obviously need to go buy some more clothes, I might ask Fan to go shopping this weekend! lol Can you keep me more busy? :P
Anyway, I don't know how the next weeks are gonna be. Wish me luck! @_@
Sunday, February 6, 2011
2/6 Pedophilia
So, am I a pedophile? I have to say when I was younger (18yo or so), I did download and enjoyed watching pedophile porn. I read later on that it was just because I was still young, and that it is normal to do so. I haven't downloaded or watched anything like it thereafter, but I wanted to be sure if I was sexually attracted to children or not, so I was gonna download some pedophile porn, but the downloads were too slow and I gave up.
Now I think pedophilia is not only about being sexually attracted to children (which I think I am, since I'm attracted to pretty much anything seriously), but also about having an obsession and having the desire to have sex with a child. I do not think I have any of this feeling, as I believe if a 14 yo boy was asking me to have sex with him, I would just tell him that he can watch porn instead of doing it for real, as it is much safer (I got tested and am negative, but who knows since I'm a whore!)
I'm talking about that because today I went out (and had sex, was not intended) with a 18yo guy. Well, I was not 18 when I was in high school, so I suspect he might not have been 18, but less. It reminds me last summer I was talking to a guy who was 16 (he wrote on his profile he was 19, but he told me the truth?) So obviously if an underage guy wants to join that kind of website he'll put another age. The guy I had sex with might just be underage too, who knows? But I really did like being with him, he's quite funny and has a really nice body :) But did I just have sex with a kid? And does that make me a pedophile since I liked it and would like to do it again? I guess no, but at the same time it sure does. Being pedophile is just a matter of society norms, once again. Society decided what was considered to be underage and that anyone who liked underage children was a bad person who needs to go in prison... lol
Anyway, Daishi is coming here in three weeks, and I've got Fan all over all the time, so I'm really thinking about at least a temporary break up. I don't know, there's still a lot I don't know about Fan, but it's actually hard to get for nothing and not so interesting :P And Jorge (the Filipino guy I met today) was much less annoying and much nicer than Fan. Yup, I'm doing comparisons... and I definitely shouldn't!
Anyway, I really need to work my ass out to finish my application for my graduate diploma. I'm really tired, but have no other choice but to do it!
Now I think pedophilia is not only about being sexually attracted to children (which I think I am, since I'm attracted to pretty much anything seriously), but also about having an obsession and having the desire to have sex with a child. I do not think I have any of this feeling, as I believe if a 14 yo boy was asking me to have sex with him, I would just tell him that he can watch porn instead of doing it for real, as it is much safer (I got tested and am negative, but who knows since I'm a whore!)
I'm talking about that because today I went out (and had sex, was not intended) with a 18yo guy. Well, I was not 18 when I was in high school, so I suspect he might not have been 18, but less. It reminds me last summer I was talking to a guy who was 16 (he wrote on his profile he was 19, but he told me the truth?) So obviously if an underage guy wants to join that kind of website he'll put another age. The guy I had sex with might just be underage too, who knows? But I really did like being with him, he's quite funny and has a really nice body :) But did I just have sex with a kid? And does that make me a pedophile since I liked it and would like to do it again? I guess no, but at the same time it sure does. Being pedophile is just a matter of society norms, once again. Society decided what was considered to be underage and that anyone who liked underage children was a bad person who needs to go in prison... lol
Anyway, Daishi is coming here in three weeks, and I've got Fan all over all the time, so I'm really thinking about at least a temporary break up. I don't know, there's still a lot I don't know about Fan, but it's actually hard to get for nothing and not so interesting :P And Jorge (the Filipino guy I met today) was much less annoying and much nicer than Fan. Yup, I'm doing comparisons... and I definitely shouldn't!
Anyway, I really need to work my ass out to finish my application for my graduate diploma. I'm really tired, but have no other choice but to do it!
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