So yesterday and today were pretty intense days, and so I need to talk about them here!
I woke up at 8am for school (noteworthy is that I didn't sleep much for the past two days since I am thinking too much about all the stuff written on my blog), had an interview for my project, then went to my class, had lunch, went to the gym (I took a shower there for the first time! lol), had another interview later on, got some Japanese books from my teacher, learned about the resignation of Mubarak, etc.
Then, I went with Fan to this place at McGill where they sell beers at $1 or $1.50, and we got three each (which made him completely drunk), then we went back to my place, he bought some sake, and we tried having anal sex, but it was hurting him too much... it's like every time he says it's my fault for not being hard enough, and now it's like my fault too for "making him bleed" (he was definitely not bleeding, but just wanted to make me feel like it was my fault if it was not working...) After that he fucked me, but I was sort of pissed off, so I just said I wanted to go to pee, and we didn't finish having sex.
Then we slept a bit, and thought about going to Stereo later on. I didn't think it was a good idea to go with him, but at the same time, I just thought why not? So we went, the music was good (it felt a bit cheesy at some points, but at least the speakers were good and the place was awesome :) The problem? the guy with me... He seemed bored, and was being really annoying. He would try to go down the stairs and not being able to walk properly, just so that I feel bad, help him and decide to go back with him. But I clearly told him before that I would stay longer. And so I did, and he left (well he went to sleep at my place).
I have to say at this point I was really pissed off. I realized how much I actually don't like being with him at all, and that I've never liked it. I wanted to try something different, but actually that's not what I wanted I guess. I thought difference would interest me, but I was wrong. Anyway, at this point, I was ready to tell him I wanted to break up. So a bit later, when I realized it wasn't fun to be at Stereo when you don't know anyone, I came back home, and just slept, even if he was in the same bed. I was really dead so whenever he wanted to touch me I would say no. He wanted me to turn around so that he could hug me... But I wanted to SLEEP, not have sex... and so he was pissed off and he left. Good for him.
Later on after I woke up I sent him a text saying I wanted to break up, and he called me back and asked why and all the usual stuff. I don't answer to these questions, mostly because it is so stupid. I broke up three times, and every time the guys want to know exactly why so that they hate me and feel better. But I don't answer them, cuz I don't think that's the good way to do it. Anyway, he's still texting me and all the stuff...
I guess it made me realize some stuff. First, I don't know if I want a relationship or not. I surely want friends, and I seem to want sex (even if I'm not sure anymore), but as for a gf/bf? don't know. What's the use of it? Well, I guess if Andy asked me, I would probably say yes and it wouldn't be an open relationship, but idk... It's not like it's gonna happen or work out! lol
But I guess what I like about someone is not that person being different from me. It is this person being different from the average society, and thinking differently. I like anarchists and nihilists and that kind of people. And that's why I think I like Andy, because he doesn't follow the rules given by the society, or at least that's what I think. Fan, as much as he seems "wild", is actually a good boy who doesn't think more than a monkey. And these people, I have never really liked them. So it's not about being wild or not, being different from me or not, being interesting or not, but about being radical and sharing beliefs I have. That's the kind of people I like. And I should probably look towards this in the future instead!
Hmmm, it's probably gonna be super difficult, but I have numerous years in front of me! And I don't have to find anyone, I guess I could remain single!
Ok, time to go work! or maybe play a little bit of FFXIII? (since it's been a long time and I want to see what the graphics look like on the super HD screen! :) )
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