So in the end I wrote an email to Daishi, and he answered. Here is our discussion:
Me:
Ok, I'm gonna ask you to apologize. I know you hate me, I know you think I'm the worst person ever, and no matter what I do, you want to think it's wrong just because you're stubborn. Fine, I don't mind. Then I understand that when someone is deeply in hate with someone else, he might keep on hurting the other person's feelings. Ok, good. I'm a really strong person and I've got through much harder than what you may think. So it's fine with me if you want to keep on throwing shit at me. Seriously it is, I know sometimes we get frustrated by life and it's making us feel better to release it, so you can release it on me instead of someone else, especially since I am a strong person.
You told me some time ago that you would try (to forgive me). And seriously, I haven't seen any change since then. You still don't answer my messages, keep it short and emotionless when you really have to answer me, and don't even try to talk to someone you're gonna spend two weeks with in the same room. Now I'm not talking about love, friendship or anything. If you don't want to give me anything, fine. But please, I think I deserve some respect. Because I think I do respect you.
I'm not writing you this email because of what you just texted me, but because of your general attitude towards me, and the fact that I don't think I want a pessimistic person around me for two weeks. Even if I anticipated you would be down, I still want to be happy with you and have a good time before you leave for Japan, as I have no idea if we will ever spend time together after that. We can have an awesome time together, and that's the mood I'm prepared for. But no, I'm not prepared for someone who is down AND doesn't want to cheer up AND throws shit at me all the time. I am prepared for someone who wants to try to forgive people who cares about him, who wants to respect his friends, and who is cheerful when he needs to (i.e. when he is spending time with friends).
So tell me which one you're gonna be on Sunday so that I can act accordingly. I was planning to be really excited about seeing you and have a lot of fun with you, but if it's not gonna happen, then I will behave accordingly. And seriously, if you can't cheer up, I don't think I'll want to spend two weeks with you. I'm a nice person and accept hardships as they come, but I have a life too and don't want to have too much useless pressure.
And you're the one who told me people should always be positive. So take your courage and please apologize.
Thank you!
Francis
P.S.: I am sorry if this email is written in a somewhat harsh way, but as you can see I am definitely a bit pissed off...
Daishi:
I'm sorry that you felt like that, I've been busy lately.
By no means I am intentionally trying to hurt you or anything, and I do respond to your messages.
To be honest, yes, I've lost a lot of respect for you, but I'm not hating on you because of that. I think I'm rather moving on.
If we don't get along, it's neither of our fault. I haven't seen you in so long, so we'll see how things go. I could try to book a hostel if you'd like me to, because I obviously can't change my flights.
Daishi
Me:
Ok, sorry if I overreacted for nothing. I guess I want you as the friend you once were, but it might not be possible anymore. Anyway, like you said, we'll see how things go. I'd like if you could stay at my place, so that way we would spend as much time together as possible! :)
Anyway, thanks! :) Have a good night!
Francis
And so I guess that ends it. My email was kind of stupid now that I think about it. Anyway, Daishi is coming tomorrow, and I guess everything will be fine. I'm in a kind of really hateful mood, so I don't think it's gonna be so awesome or anything, but anyway, it has to happen...
So I tried to talk to Andy again, but he just doesn't answer. I guess I should stop trying, but at the same time I don't see why I should not try... It's kind of hurting me, but there's no one else who I am in "love" anyway. I hate everyone else (well, that includes Andy actually...) And for a good reason.
Everyone believes in something. A religion, a state, a company, a capitalist product, love, someone, etc. And obviously since everyone else believes in it, or at least a lot of people do, then it is a good thing. Well, this is the worst idea ever, it's called being a sheep who only follows others without being able to think by itself. Because no, "I believe in God" does not come from your own "opinion" or "divination" or "spirituality" or whatever. It comes from your feeling to do like people around you, to be part of a group that seems right to you. And there is an enormous difference between thinking that a religion is good and believing in it. It is easy for me to think a video game is good, but if I start to believe in it, I will try to protect it, to tell other people about how it is better than other games, etc. I could have stopped with the "I like this game" but I decided to be part of it, I wanted to associate with it, and so as soon as someone told me about it, or told me they didn't like it, I will do everything to protect this game that I liked. Why? Because I don't know anything about video games. I don't know many, so of course I think the one I played was the best one, because it was a good one. If I look around much more, I will find out that out of all these video games, there's a whole bunch of different ones, and a lot of good ones. Which one is the best? Well, there is no best game, there're all good, they're all equal in itself, and we shouldn't try to make one better.
Why? Because it creates war. Believe in your video game and you will find someone else who believes in a different one. You will go to war against that person. War of words, maybe, but war anyway. And that's the first step to war between countries or ideologies. Because you think believing in something is a good thing since everyone else does it. But here I tell you, believing in anything is bad. It only causes harm, it doesn't even help you or your group of people. It shuts you down to only one thing when you could have experienced more. You make your country believing that it is the best one in the world when obviously everyone is equal.
So how do you stop to believe in anything? Well, it is pretty simple. But extremely hard at the same time. Simple because all you have to do is stop believing. You have a religious belief? Well, just remove it. You believe in love? Well, just stop believing it. And yes, it is extremely easy to do, since you don't have to change anyone else in the process but only you, and your brain is much smarter than you may think.
Now the difficult part. Even if beliefs are bad, not everyone knows it (or "believes" it; note here that you cannot believe that beliefs are bad, just like you cannot believe in knowledge) so it makes you alone around believers. And yes, it is hard, I can tell you personally. You will have to distance yourself from your friends, not because they are bad people, but because the interests (beliefs) you shared with them are not compatible anymore since you do not have them anymore. And so you have to find friends who do not hold beliefs, or as few as possible, and it is something really hard to do. And to find someone who does not hold any belief is still impossible. Maybe some day it will come, but don't wait for it. But at the same time, you do not want friends, you want peace, and so what is being alone while you make this world a better place for everyone?
Beliefs bring wars. This is now knowledge.
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