2/10 Love and Reading of my Blog

So I've been reading all of my blog, so that I find what has changed and what didn't.

I found that my priorities changed. In my first post, I was looking for 1) sex, 2) friends, 3) love, and now I'm not really sure, but it looks like something like this: 1) find this special friend/lover, 2) get to know more people like me, 3) go out, 4) make as many people as possible happy, 5) make world peace with my ideas. I have to think more about it before I can say this is right, but but I indeed do not think about having sex anymore, which is weird... anyway...

And then by reading another post, I realized that I started a relationship with Fan so that he would "make me bad". I think that's pretty much it. I want to be a bad guy. And Fan is not making me feel that way. He is not extreme enough for me. I think I should break up, that would be something bad. And try to get back with Andy? I just texted him, about the clothing stuff, and since he hasn't replied yet, I assume it's a big no...

And I don't want to go to my class, so I'm skipping Adrienne's class... I'll probably just send her my translation that I finished at 5:30am this morning...

Oh, Andy's text... Oh, that was a yes in the end... for next weekend. I've always had to go for him since he would not do the first steps. But that's mostly what I always do anyway with everyone. I guess it's not because no one is interested in me, but more because I do like it that way (since no one would try to get to me anyway lol)

I just posted lots of new pictures on facebook, old ones, and the first one for my webcam model application (I have clothes on this one lol) Guess people are gonna react badly like they always do... but it's just that I'm tired of my previous pics and that's the only recent one I can find :P

I'm reading what I think is the most important post on all of my blog (1/13/11; or at least the most dramatic) and some thoughts about love come to me. I don't know about other people, but I think for me love is admiration. I love someone who is different from me because I admire that person. I always knew I liked people who were completely different, and who I could never finish to know about that person, but maybe it's just some kind of admiration I have on that person. I want to know more and more about her/him because s/he is smarter than me. And maybe that is what I feel with Alex and Andy. I am in a kind of love because I admire the person they are and would like to know much more about them. It makes sense to some degrees in every relationship I guess, but I'll just say it is only my case so that I don't think about other people too much (lol, I'm so egocentric! :P )

I think the same thing happened with Daishi for example. I would admire him for the person he was, and then when I get to know him more, I realized he was not so worth my admiration, and so I wasn't in love with him anymore. And then Fan too. I was in admiration for his eccentricity, and I wanted to know more about him, so that was what made me fall in love with him. But like I said, I realized he was not so different from anyone else, so I ended up not in love anymore. I think the person I need to find should be a really crazy guy who would never be settled down, so that there would always be something to get from him, so that I would always admire that person. For example, as much as I love my professor Adrienne, it is only because I have admiration for her. I am in love because I see in her someone who is different from others, and so she interests me. And when you are a kid, you are in love with your parents, and then your teacher, etc. for the same reasons, because they feel so smart from your point of view that you are in admiration with them. And what happens when you realize you are at the same level as your parents? You don't love them anymore. Or at least I don't, sorry, I guess people still love their parents and still love their bf/gf, but I don't. A last example could be my love for Asians, as I have a lot of admiration for them.

So I finished reading all of my blog. Took me some hours! What should I do next? Break up on Fan and try to get Andy? That might be hard, but motivating, right? I don't know, should I just wait a little bit and see, for example during the study break? Well, I don't have much choice anyway...