2/24 Going Brown Again

So I decided to listen to The Flashbulb again, and... it made me remind of Andy so much... not that I forgot him, but he didn't answer to my texts, so I did give up a little bit. But I guess I had to try again, so I texted him again today, with no answer. Then I saw him on facebook and we talked a little bit. He can make me happy so easily, and I don't think it's forced at all. I really miss him. I realize he's the one and probably only one who can really make me happy, who is able to get me out of my depression-like state.



Two days ago Fan came to my place (he wanted sex but didn't say it) and in the end I didn't give him sex, I just hugged him for really long and told him that we should only be friends and not even fuck friends. He was really glad about it, and I was too. I've been liking sex less and less, so even if he insisted I didn't want to have sex. Yesterday this "Kliente" guy (Fritz is his real name, according to my good stalking skills!) made me go to his place. We had a long talk and I didn't want to have sex with him, but we slept together and we did have a little sex... Anyway, I think it arrived at the right moment since Sunday Daishi is coming over!

Daishi... I think I want to do the same thing I did with Fan. I want to give him a big hug, like I've never hugged anyone before, and show him all the love I have for him and that he doesn't think anyone has for him. I want to make him realize that he is special and loved, and that he doesn't need to feel depressed because of that. And maybe make him see who I am, that I am still the same person he used to like, and so that way he wouldn't hate me anymore. I don't really mind what he thinks about me, but I do mind about him being sad because of what he thinks of me.



But yet in all of these good friends, why is Andy so special? Why do I want him to recognize me? Just because he is hard to get? Why am I thinking about not having sex with anyone but him, but yet I can't give that promise to any other guy who wants to be in a relationship with me? Because I think his way of thinking is similar to mine, and so everything, except sex, would work perfectly? So I would be ready to compromise for him, especially since I've been bored of sex with strangers? I don't know, this is weird... but I'm getting all brown again. Which is good I guess, because it makes me think about someone I love...