In some ways, beliefs are just lies. When someone says "I believe in God", it's just a fucking lie. They know they can't "believe" in God because God doesn't exist, but they are made by others around them to lie in order to fit in society or the group around them. So it's a lie. They know from rational inner thought that God doesn't exist, but they can't say so. They end up saying they believe it. But they don't.
So in some ways the problem isn't that they believe in something or something else (because they don't believe in anything) but that they lie. They keep telling lies about everything.
Now is the next question: How do you stop people from lying?
That should keep me busy for some time. But open-governments, lack of privacy and destruction of capitalism are probably some interesting solutions. And they are on their way.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
8/30 Don't Give Up
So I got this unexpected text from Khanh today:
"Eventhough you're not pretty [we were joking about how pretty I am] I still think you're beautiful inside... More beautiful than you can imagine!!!
That's more important than skin deep beauty"
Well people say these kind of things all the time, but the difference here is that Khanh is completely honest. So it kind of means a lot to me.
I don't think I'm grown up yet, I still have lots of things to figure out. But I think I'm quite different from others. I can be rational on everything because I am free of beliefs/influences. It is a strong statement and anyone could argue it is not true, and they would be right. It is just a state I have been trying to reach but I gave up. See my previous post.
And then Victor on facebook said "Enjoy, Francis! You will do well." referring to my new school term. A comment from him is always a good thing for me, for some reason I have already talked about in a previous post (see the "Longest Day" or something like that, and maybe others about Adrienne...? sorry I'm too lazy to get it back for you! lol)
These comments make me feel like I shouldn't give up. Maybe what I have been trying to achieve will eventually result in something good for humanity. Maybe if I keep suffering then I will finally find the truth? Well, I already have some kind of "truth" about how this world works (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read all of my posts! lol or look at those tagged "important" ;) ) It is highly complicated so I would need much more time to have it written down (about ten years?), but no one wants me to tell them "what I think the truth is". Many refuse to accept it, for many different reasons. And that is exactly what I did in my last post. I sort of refused that this truth could work in this world.
But you know what? I'll try again. Yes I will "force myself to believe" in the stuff I wrote in my last post, but that is because I need to survive in this fucked up society. I don't like being part of a group, but this is one I can't avoid. But on the other side, this is just to make me survive longer in this society. It's to keep me healthy and wealthy. In some ways, it's like a game, an act. I will have two personalities. One will be the rational/nihilist/realist person I have always been, and the other will be the same person, but with a so-called "positive attitude" towards everything. I will keep the true me here on this blog, but if you meet me or talk to me I will have to behave as the positive one, because you are expecting me to act that way...
Maybe I should work on that special blog/project I was talking about. Maybe there is some hope in it. At least that's what I got from some encouragements I got today! So let's just half give up. Because some people are relying on me to change this world, because they couldn't.
And yes, it could seem pretentious, but then again, if you read my blog and try to understand me, you'll see it isn't.
"Eventhough you're not pretty [we were joking about how pretty I am] I still think you're beautiful inside... More beautiful than you can imagine!!!
That's more important than skin deep beauty"
Well people say these kind of things all the time, but the difference here is that Khanh is completely honest. So it kind of means a lot to me.
I don't think I'm grown up yet, I still have lots of things to figure out. But I think I'm quite different from others. I can be rational on everything because I am free of beliefs/influences. It is a strong statement and anyone could argue it is not true, and they would be right. It is just a state I have been trying to reach but I gave up. See my previous post.
And then Victor on facebook said "Enjoy, Francis! You will do well." referring to my new school term. A comment from him is always a good thing for me, for some reason I have already talked about in a previous post (see the "Longest Day" or something like that, and maybe others about Adrienne...? sorry I'm too lazy to get it back for you! lol)
These comments make me feel like I shouldn't give up. Maybe what I have been trying to achieve will eventually result in something good for humanity. Maybe if I keep suffering then I will finally find the truth? Well, I already have some kind of "truth" about how this world works (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read all of my posts! lol or look at those tagged "important" ;) ) It is highly complicated so I would need much more time to have it written down (about ten years?), but no one wants me to tell them "what I think the truth is". Many refuse to accept it, for many different reasons. And that is exactly what I did in my last post. I sort of refused that this truth could work in this world.
But you know what? I'll try again. Yes I will "force myself to believe" in the stuff I wrote in my last post, but that is because I need to survive in this fucked up society. I don't like being part of a group, but this is one I can't avoid. But on the other side, this is just to make me survive longer in this society. It's to keep me healthy and wealthy. In some ways, it's like a game, an act. I will have two personalities. One will be the rational/nihilist/realist person I have always been, and the other will be the same person, but with a so-called "positive attitude" towards everything. I will keep the true me here on this blog, but if you meet me or talk to me I will have to behave as the positive one, because you are expecting me to act that way...
Maybe I should work on that special blog/project I was talking about. Maybe there is some hope in it. At least that's what I got from some encouragements I got today! So let's just half give up. Because some people are relying on me to change this world, because they couldn't.
And yes, it could seem pretentious, but then again, if you read my blog and try to understand me, you'll see it isn't.
Friday, August 26, 2011
8/26 I Have To Believe
So I've got through that other depression/thingy. The problem is that even if these are cool and I learn a lot from them, I also realized that the only way to not have them is to believe. For example, if you believe that money will make you happy (i.e. you believe in capitalism AND fun), then you might work hard to achieve this goal.
Anyway, school is starting, and to some extent I believe in a good future for me, and so in order for that to happen, I will have to create a few other beliefs for, at least, the next few months. We'll see afterwards, but for my next school year, I want to force myself to believe in these. Hence, I'm gonna lie to myself. Or maybe I won't because I know these are just lies. But that's the only way I found to make it through my life.
1. Fun
I will believe in fun. Fun as in "doing a funny activity makes one happy". That was probably my major "problem" lately, as I've been incapable of doing anything that would bring me fun, because I wasn't thinking it would actually bring me fun.
A. I will play video games thinking that playing video games is great and will make me so much happy.
B. I will cook food thinking that cooking is the most amazing experience one can have.
C. I will study thinking that it is fun and that the results of my studies will create even more fun. (e.g. that studying a language will bring me fun speaking it with friends)
D. I will have sex thinking that sleeping with someone is like the best thing that could ever happen to me.
E. I will hang out with friends thinking that spending time with someone else is so much funnier than being all alone.
F. I will go to bed thinking that sleeping will relax my body and make it ready for when I have to wake up because I will have a lot of fun the next day.
2. Money
This one is hard too. I didn't really want to include it on this list, but since I'm doing my studies to get money, and since I have debts and everything, I guess I don't really have a choice to believe that money is good in our society and for me who is part of this society.
C. I will study as hard as I can because the better my grades are and the better my salary will be.
G. I will find work and work as hard as possible because I need money to buy all these things that I want and that will make me happy.
3. Friendship
I suppose I don't really care too much about my friends... :/ I mean, I do care about them, but I don't force them to have fun with me, I just let them do whatever they want, and that makes me happy. So maybe I have to think that "friendship" is great and that I should get better bonds with my friends.
H. I will go talk and smile to people I don't know because they could be my friends and that would be great.
I. I will keep in touch with my friends regularly because it would be sad to lose them.
J. I will try to have as many friends as possible because it looks cool on facebook.
E. I will hang out more often with my friends because hanging out is fun and having fun with someone else is creating a deeper friendship.
K. I will think that even if a friend pisses me off, lies to me, hurts me or others, that this friend is still good and that I should be happy to know someone good like this.
L. I will seem to believe and nod and smile to any shit that a friend could say and will only argue about it if I am asked for my opinion.
M. I will be happy even if I cannot hang out with a friend who is far away because I know that we will have fun together in the future.
N. I will not tell my friends about my problems (except on this blog) because no one wants to know about someone else problems.
4. Physical Appearance
I think everyone is ugly and beautiful at the same time. In fact, I fucking don't care what a person looks like. But others don't. So if I want to please to some, I need to take care of my body... oh shit that looks superficial! lol IT IS!!! Not sure I'll be able to make it, but... I have to believe in it!
O. I will work out regularly and eat a lot of food because it will make me into a more muscular build.
P. I will wash and take care of my skin and teeth and everything, everyday, because I will feel better and be proud of what I look like when superficial people are gonna look at me.
Q. I will shop regularly because I want people to praise my clothes because it will make me feel better than others. (and it will be a way to spend my money and feel like I need more money, always more)
Hopefully these are enough. That's 17. Yes, you will probably think that some of them are quite stupid, but you know what? They are ALL stupid. So if I have to believe in one of these stupid ideas, then why not do all of them? I believe I can believe in these stupid beliefs. At least for some time. Let's see how it goes!
Anyway, school is starting, and to some extent I believe in a good future for me, and so in order for that to happen, I will have to create a few other beliefs for, at least, the next few months. We'll see afterwards, but for my next school year, I want to force myself to believe in these. Hence, I'm gonna lie to myself. Or maybe I won't because I know these are just lies. But that's the only way I found to make it through my life.
1. Fun
I will believe in fun. Fun as in "doing a funny activity makes one happy". That was probably my major "problem" lately, as I've been incapable of doing anything that would bring me fun, because I wasn't thinking it would actually bring me fun.
A. I will play video games thinking that playing video games is great and will make me so much happy.
B. I will cook food thinking that cooking is the most amazing experience one can have.
C. I will study thinking that it is fun and that the results of my studies will create even more fun. (e.g. that studying a language will bring me fun speaking it with friends)
D. I will have sex thinking that sleeping with someone is like the best thing that could ever happen to me.
E. I will hang out with friends thinking that spending time with someone else is so much funnier than being all alone.
F. I will go to bed thinking that sleeping will relax my body and make it ready for when I have to wake up because I will have a lot of fun the next day.
2. Money
This one is hard too. I didn't really want to include it on this list, but since I'm doing my studies to get money, and since I have debts and everything, I guess I don't really have a choice to believe that money is good in our society and for me who is part of this society.
C. I will study as hard as I can because the better my grades are and the better my salary will be.
G. I will find work and work as hard as possible because I need money to buy all these things that I want and that will make me happy.
3. Friendship
I suppose I don't really care too much about my friends... :/ I mean, I do care about them, but I don't force them to have fun with me, I just let them do whatever they want, and that makes me happy. So maybe I have to think that "friendship" is great and that I should get better bonds with my friends.
H. I will go talk and smile to people I don't know because they could be my friends and that would be great.
I. I will keep in touch with my friends regularly because it would be sad to lose them.
J. I will try to have as many friends as possible because it looks cool on facebook.
E. I will hang out more often with my friends because hanging out is fun and having fun with someone else is creating a deeper friendship.
K. I will think that even if a friend pisses me off, lies to me, hurts me or others, that this friend is still good and that I should be happy to know someone good like this.
L. I will seem to believe and nod and smile to any shit that a friend could say and will only argue about it if I am asked for my opinion.
M. I will be happy even if I cannot hang out with a friend who is far away because I know that we will have fun together in the future.
N. I will not tell my friends about my problems (except on this blog) because no one wants to know about someone else problems.
4. Physical Appearance
I think everyone is ugly and beautiful at the same time. In fact, I fucking don't care what a person looks like. But others don't. So if I want to please to some, I need to take care of my body... oh shit that looks superficial! lol IT IS!!! Not sure I'll be able to make it, but... I have to believe in it!
O. I will work out regularly and eat a lot of food because it will make me into a more muscular build.
P. I will wash and take care of my skin and teeth and everything, everyday, because I will feel better and be proud of what I look like when superficial people are gonna look at me.
Q. I will shop regularly because I want people to praise my clothes because it will make me feel better than others. (and it will be a way to spend my money and feel like I need more money, always more)
Hopefully these are enough. That's 17. Yes, you will probably think that some of them are quite stupid, but you know what? They are ALL stupid. So if I have to believe in one of these stupid ideas, then why not do all of them? I believe I can believe in these stupid beliefs. At least for some time. Let's see how it goes!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
8/25 I Hate To Be Loved
Notice: I'm tired, like said at the end, this post is purely crap, please do not read it. I would need to put much more order in it and try to think more, which I might do in the future, but I can't say I really want to talk about these stupid things ever again, so instead of removing it completely I will just post it anyway.
But seriously, don't read it... Most of it are lies... cuz being tired makes you write stuff without thinking...
I'm not gonna lie. Being recognized as a great person by both Sumi and Adrienne is something that I never could have imagined before. Sumi really likes me because of the documentary, and now every time she sees me she smiles so sweetly like if I was the best thing that ever happened in the last ten years. Adrienne calls me her son and have grown somehow close to me, telling me that I am special (an extremely good person) and have potential, and she even put a sky picture on her personal blog because of the happiness I added to her life.
Being able to say that both are like family (Adrienne my mom and Sumi my grandmother!) is something I am proud of. I remember Keum-Yeo or Brent being close to them in different ways, and I suppose I was kinda jealous. Now I can show them: Hey, I did it better than you!
But obviously I think that's stupid. That's acting like a spoiled child. I love both, and sometimes I have a certain need to express this love out of myself, but because I don't want to make anyone jealous, I don't do it. So I only talk about it on this blog or to some friends who don't know her. When I'm talking to friends who know her, I try to avoid talking about how close we are. For example I was talking to Melissa about Adrienne, and I was careful to hide that I knew her a lot, because I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't be appreciated by Adrienne like if she was a mom.
The truth is sad. Melissa won't. If they both like me that much, it's because of my rationality, my nihilism, but also my calm attitude and my problematic life. They do like almost everybody, but there is more that connects me and Sumi and Adrienne than other students.
That's sad. If someone who needs love could have their love instead of me, I'd be much happier. Because I hate to be loved. I like to think that no one likes me. It motivates me to work hard, to find my way.
Urgh, I'm tired of writing this shit... let's stop it here... anyway, this is probably the most inconsistent and erroneous post I've ever written. I probably shouldn't post it, and stop writing when I'm too tired...
But seriously, don't read it... Most of it are lies... cuz being tired makes you write stuff without thinking...
I'm not gonna lie. Being recognized as a great person by both Sumi and Adrienne is something that I never could have imagined before. Sumi really likes me because of the documentary, and now every time she sees me she smiles so sweetly like if I was the best thing that ever happened in the last ten years. Adrienne calls me her son and have grown somehow close to me, telling me that I am special (an extremely good person) and have potential, and she even put a sky picture on her personal blog because of the happiness I added to her life.
Being able to say that both are like family (Adrienne my mom and Sumi my grandmother!) is something I am proud of. I remember Keum-Yeo or Brent being close to them in different ways, and I suppose I was kinda jealous. Now I can show them: Hey, I did it better than you!
But obviously I think that's stupid. That's acting like a spoiled child. I love both, and sometimes I have a certain need to express this love out of myself, but because I don't want to make anyone jealous, I don't do it. So I only talk about it on this blog or to some friends who don't know her. When I'm talking to friends who know her, I try to avoid talking about how close we are. For example I was talking to Melissa about Adrienne, and I was careful to hide that I knew her a lot, because I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't be appreciated by Adrienne like if she was a mom.
The truth is sad. Melissa won't. If they both like me that much, it's because of my rationality, my nihilism, but also my calm attitude and my problematic life. They do like almost everybody, but there is more that connects me and Sumi and Adrienne than other students.
That's sad. If someone who needs love could have their love instead of me, I'd be much happier. Because I hate to be loved. I like to think that no one likes me. It motivates me to work hard, to find my way.
Urgh, I'm tired of writing this shit... let's stop it here... anyway, this is probably the most inconsistent and erroneous post I've ever written. I probably shouldn't post it, and stop writing when I'm too tired...
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
8/24 Wow, That's a Lot of Work!
I just realized that I'm working around 85 hours a week, which is 12 hours a day every day. No wonder I get burned out so often... but at the same time it's exactly the same amount of time I would spend for a school term, so there isn't much difference... And I'm being paid 2300 for 3 months and a half, which makes... 1.93/hr. Oh great! lol I should make ten times more in 8 months! :)
I got an email today from Sumi, she was asking me where I wanted to do the tutorials... Uh... wo bu zhidao... Here are my choices: Udem, McGill, my place, her place. Well, I'm not sure for both schools as she might not want to go back to Udem where she was fired (but she went for the speech contest and stuff, right?) and McGill since she just retired from there, so maybe she doesn't really want to go back (and I'm not a student anymore, it might be hard to get a room... :/ ) As for my place an her place, well... I'd prefer going to her place because I don't really want an 65 woman to take public transportation every week just for me... So in the end I'd prefer going to her place just so that I don't make her lose her time. I don't know if she wants someone like me to go there, but I guess I'll just tell her these options. In Japanese... @_@ urgh...
Oh, and I've got two boners while I was doing abs today... and I jerked off twice cuz I couldn't bear it... kinda weird :/ it happened to me before to have boners while working out, but that was when I was still 21! lol I'm old now, shouldn't happen anymore :P
Haha, or maybe it's because I did a lot of bike yesterday :) Anyway, let's get back to WORK!!! I was supposed to finish my translation today, but it's just taking me forever... :S
I got an email today from Sumi, she was asking me where I wanted to do the tutorials... Uh... wo bu zhidao... Here are my choices: Udem, McGill, my place, her place. Well, I'm not sure for both schools as she might not want to go back to Udem where she was fired (but she went for the speech contest and stuff, right?) and McGill since she just retired from there, so maybe she doesn't really want to go back (and I'm not a student anymore, it might be hard to get a room... :/ ) As for my place an her place, well... I'd prefer going to her place because I don't really want an 65 woman to take public transportation every week just for me... So in the end I'd prefer going to her place just so that I don't make her lose her time. I don't know if she wants someone like me to go there, but I guess I'll just tell her these options. In Japanese... @_@ urgh...
Oh, and I've got two boners while I was doing abs today... and I jerked off twice cuz I couldn't bear it... kinda weird :/ it happened to me before to have boners while working out, but that was when I was still 21! lol I'm old now, shouldn't happen anymore :P
Haha, or maybe it's because I did a lot of bike yesterday :) Anyway, let's get back to WORK!!! I was supposed to finish my translation today, but it's just taking me forever... :S
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
8/23 I Lied To Myself
I'm not sure if I lied or not on this blog, but I think so. It is highly complicated and I do not understand it completely myself. It's about what I thought about Eason before June.
Urgh, I can't really find it anymore... lol Maybe I didn't write it down but just thought about it. Anyway, I told someone and Eason. What I said is that looking back at my posts on my blog, I realized that I had feelings for him.
Well, that's a lie. I never found anything that could make me think I had feelings for him. Well, yes, I thought he was a good person, an interesting and cute guy, but...
First, I didn't think he was good-looking. When I entered the hotel room the first time he came to Montreal to see me, I felt like: "Gosh, don't tell me I have to sleep with that thing... :/" It was on my mind the following time, though I don't remember if I actually thought about it after looking at him (I actually don't think so, if I remember correctly I was like "Oh, he's not that bad!")
Second, as much as I had fun with him, I wasn't in love or anything. Maybe the idea "oh, I wonder what would happen if we were in a relationship" went through my head for a small moment, but nothing else. The fact that I missed him when he left was only that I was back alone after a whole weekend with someone else. I am sure that I was thinking of him as a "maybe", but was quick to come back to reality: he didn't love me. And so with time I would always come to forget about him...
When I was with him, I was treating him like any other guy I sleep with. I watched a few videos yesterday, and even if I look really affectionate and everything, I was thinking "this guy is shit" like I used to always think with any guy.
Anyway, it's a pretty boring story... lol All I wanted to say is that I didn't find any love in my blog before June. I was just mentioning him like I mentioned almost everybody I had sex with. Just to have a list...
On a side note, I think my hero is Son Goku. I've always been in love with that character, and he's pretty much what I've always wanted to be. I'll talk more about him another time if I want to, but every time I think about my ideals, it's his that come up! Oh, how a manga can influence your life :P
Urgh, I can't really find it anymore... lol Maybe I didn't write it down but just thought about it. Anyway, I told someone and Eason. What I said is that looking back at my posts on my blog, I realized that I had feelings for him.
Well, that's a lie. I never found anything that could make me think I had feelings for him. Well, yes, I thought he was a good person, an interesting and cute guy, but...
First, I didn't think he was good-looking. When I entered the hotel room the first time he came to Montreal to see me, I felt like: "Gosh, don't tell me I have to sleep with that thing... :/" It was on my mind the following time, though I don't remember if I actually thought about it after looking at him (I actually don't think so, if I remember correctly I was like "Oh, he's not that bad!")
Second, as much as I had fun with him, I wasn't in love or anything. Maybe the idea "oh, I wonder what would happen if we were in a relationship" went through my head for a small moment, but nothing else. The fact that I missed him when he left was only that I was back alone after a whole weekend with someone else. I am sure that I was thinking of him as a "maybe", but was quick to come back to reality: he didn't love me. And so with time I would always come to forget about him...
When I was with him, I was treating him like any other guy I sleep with. I watched a few videos yesterday, and even if I look really affectionate and everything, I was thinking "this guy is shit" like I used to always think with any guy.
Anyway, it's a pretty boring story... lol All I wanted to say is that I didn't find any love in my blog before June. I was just mentioning him like I mentioned almost everybody I had sex with. Just to have a list...
On a side note, I think my hero is Son Goku. I've always been in love with that character, and he's pretty much what I've always wanted to be. I'll talk more about him another time if I want to, but every time I think about my ideals, it's his that come up! Oh, how a manga can influence your life :P
8/23 Video Memories
I've put this Google Analytics thing and... now I know about everyone who looks at my blog! lol I was kinda testing it yesterday with my last post being on my facebook, and I got someone who clicked on it! And considering it came from Montreal, I can only assume who it was :P Mwahaha, I'm being creepy!
I've been watching some of the videos I've recorded in the previous months. Mostly to see Eason, cuz he's actually the one I recorded the most, even before having any real feeling for him. I have this 20 minutes-long conversation about random things, and it is so fucking awesome! :D
But I'm not sure how much I should watch these. I mean, I don't think I will miss him more or anything, but I don't want to remember EVERYTHING about what we talked about. I mean, I don't want to remember every of his words and start to define him according to these. People change, and so I cannot consider what I recorded as a truth. It might be a fact that he said this and that, or that he looked that way and acted like this, but the present actual and real Eason is quite different. Anyway, at least I know that, I might not get manipulated by my own self! :)
Also, something I noticed and which really surprised me (or maybe I was just really tired at 2am...) is that when he was talking to me in the videos, he would look at me in the video, and not to the camera. Because of that, I felt really weird. I mean, he IS talking to me, but at the same time he is talking to "someone else", who is me... When you watch a movie and this same thing happen, you definitely are not really inside the movie (i.e. the person isn't really talking to you but to someone else). But because it was me, because we were only two, and because I know how I thing and would guess what I would say, I had this really strange feeling.
Then again, I was probably just tired and couldn't concentrate on disassociating the reality of the video to my own life...
I have been seriously brainstorming on my new blog, and I might start in the next few weeks (well maybe actually next weekend). I'm really excited about this new blog because it will not be a bunch of personal and random things, but a really serious type of writing. In fact I think that it might get popular. Or at least I have ideas to make it popular. And, well, since nothing like it exists before, and since it will be about a unified general reality, I don't see why it wouldn't be something big! :)
Oh, and no, I will not post any link to it, nor will I say the name or anything. For privacy reasons I do not want links to come back here on this blog... It happened already, now if you look for the name of one of my professor on Google you will find a page that links to my blog... and so I had to change the name of that person on my blog so that it doesn't happen. Anyway, you probably don't care much, and wouldn't notice the change anyway, so it's all good! :)
Oh, and I realized I had my first name on this blog at a few places... :/ Might not be so good... but on the other hand I don't really care that much about being anonymous, it's just that I find it more instructive for readers to not have anything to judge me from. The less you know me and the more my words are true! :)
I've been watching some of the videos I've recorded in the previous months. Mostly to see Eason, cuz he's actually the one I recorded the most, even before having any real feeling for him. I have this 20 minutes-long conversation about random things, and it is so fucking awesome! :D
But I'm not sure how much I should watch these. I mean, I don't think I will miss him more or anything, but I don't want to remember EVERYTHING about what we talked about. I mean, I don't want to remember every of his words and start to define him according to these. People change, and so I cannot consider what I recorded as a truth. It might be a fact that he said this and that, or that he looked that way and acted like this, but the present actual and real Eason is quite different. Anyway, at least I know that, I might not get manipulated by my own self! :)
Also, something I noticed and which really surprised me (or maybe I was just really tired at 2am...) is that when he was talking to me in the videos, he would look at me in the video, and not to the camera. Because of that, I felt really weird. I mean, he IS talking to me, but at the same time he is talking to "someone else", who is me... When you watch a movie and this same thing happen, you definitely are not really inside the movie (i.e. the person isn't really talking to you but to someone else). But because it was me, because we were only two, and because I know how I thing and would guess what I would say, I had this really strange feeling.
Then again, I was probably just tired and couldn't concentrate on disassociating the reality of the video to my own life...
I have been seriously brainstorming on my new blog, and I might start in the next few weeks (well maybe actually next weekend). I'm really excited about this new blog because it will not be a bunch of personal and random things, but a really serious type of writing. In fact I think that it might get popular. Or at least I have ideas to make it popular. And, well, since nothing like it exists before, and since it will be about a unified general reality, I don't see why it wouldn't be something big! :)
Oh, and no, I will not post any link to it, nor will I say the name or anything. For privacy reasons I do not want links to come back here on this blog... It happened already, now if you look for the name of one of my professor on Google you will find a page that links to my blog... and so I had to change the name of that person on my blog so that it doesn't happen. Anyway, you probably don't care much, and wouldn't notice the change anyway, so it's all good! :)
Oh, and I realized I had my first name on this blog at a few places... :/ Might not be so good... but on the other hand I don't really care that much about being anonymous, it's just that I find it more instructive for readers to not have anything to judge me from. The less you know me and the more my words are true! :)
Monday, August 22, 2011
8/22 Burned Out -> Change in Life?
So I was on gay411 and that old guy asked me and had money, but I just deleted the message. I mean, I don't mind doing prostitution and whatever, but... :/ I don't wanna have sex anymore... just leave me alone!
I miss Eason a lot (hence I don't work as much as I should to "forget" him lol) and I have yet to understand exactly why the fact that I am in love makes me so distant from sex. Maybe I feel like I don't have such great sex with Eason because I'm too tired from sex with others... But that's not exactly true. I mean, last time I was tired of sex anyway, but I didn't have much in the last month...
Maybe I'm just tired in my whole life. Yeah, I'm probably over burned out.
I've always put the blame on my existential crisis or something, but I feel like I'm just tired. I need a break. I need to go on vacation, to travel, to go away from here. That's what I wanted to do at the beginning of the summer and I suppose that's what I still want. I want something completely new in my life.
That would explain me shopping on chinese online shop (taobao) for new clothes for the new school term. Maybe getting new clothes, having a new appearance, will make me feel like I'm a new person?
I changed my facebook profile a lot, removing all the stupid people I didn't know, changing my name and giving my info to all of my friends. Maybe that will make me feel like I'm a new person?
I want to make friends with everyone in my class when school starts. Maybe that will make me feel like I'm a new person?
Why do I need so much change? Why am I so bored with my current life? Why do I need change to get motivation to keep going? Where's my motivation and why does it constantly change? How can I possibly do anything if I change my goals every week?
Lots of questions, I might not need to find answers soon. But still, I think I'm a little bit burned out. Burned out of all my life. I want to change it, to change myself. So I buy clothes and change my facebook! lol Pretty stupid :)
But who said I was smart? :D
I miss Eason a lot (hence I don't work as much as I should to "forget" him lol) and I have yet to understand exactly why the fact that I am in love makes me so distant from sex. Maybe I feel like I don't have such great sex with Eason because I'm too tired from sex with others... But that's not exactly true. I mean, last time I was tired of sex anyway, but I didn't have much in the last month...
Maybe I'm just tired in my whole life. Yeah, I'm probably over burned out.
I've always put the blame on my existential crisis or something, but I feel like I'm just tired. I need a break. I need to go on vacation, to travel, to go away from here. That's what I wanted to do at the beginning of the summer and I suppose that's what I still want. I want something completely new in my life.
That would explain me shopping on chinese online shop (taobao) for new clothes for the new school term. Maybe getting new clothes, having a new appearance, will make me feel like I'm a new person?
I changed my facebook profile a lot, removing all the stupid people I didn't know, changing my name and giving my info to all of my friends. Maybe that will make me feel like I'm a new person?
I want to make friends with everyone in my class when school starts. Maybe that will make me feel like I'm a new person?
Why do I need so much change? Why am I so bored with my current life? Why do I need change to get motivation to keep going? Where's my motivation and why does it constantly change? How can I possibly do anything if I change my goals every week?
Lots of questions, I might not need to find answers soon. But still, I think I'm a little bit burned out. Burned out of all my life. I want to change it, to change myself. So I buy clothes and change my facebook! lol Pretty stupid :)
But who said I was smart? :D
Saturday, August 20, 2011
8/20 No Money
So I've always been broke. Since I started studying.
But this summer I got even broker. Why? Various reasons I suppose. Just go read my old posts in May (or maybe April too) and you'll understand.
I just realized that 5.7% of 2,000 is 114. Which means that... wait a second...
It's an annual rate... Oh fuck I'm so stupid... I got 1.07 for 400 two months ago, so I suppose it won't be so expensive... though I don't really understand anything about how it works...
lol
I'm never gonna understand money. I'll just throw all my money matters to Eason :P
But this summer I got even broker. Why? Various reasons I suppose. Just go read my old posts in May (or maybe April too) and you'll understand.
I just realized that 5.7% of 2,000 is 114. Which means that... wait a second...
It's an annual rate... Oh fuck I'm so stupid... I got 1.07 for 400 two months ago, so I suppose it won't be so expensive... though I don't really understand anything about how it works...
lol
I'm never gonna understand money. I'll just throw all my money matters to Eason :P
8/20 100th Post, Insomnia, Sadness and Happiness, and Sex
Yay! That's my 100th post! :D It's been around 9 months, so that means I only post 11 times a month... which isn't much :P Anyway, I'm thinking of creating a less personal blog (on tmblr), I've got ideas of articles to write, on how to write them, what kind of community I want to create, but I'm still stuck trying to find a title... lol Anyway, I probably won't post the link or info about it, since I wouldn't want people to link it with me, but I might talk about its development! :)
I've been starting to have insomnia a lot lately.. Well, I had insomnia on Wednesday night, and then the following nights I just decided to stay awake late to work instead losing my time trying to sleep! The only problem is that I've become super tired and highly emotional...
I'm always stressed out when I send a text to Eason. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. My theory is that I always say the things that come to my mind and am honest with them, so if there is something that he doesn't like and it makes him hate me forever, well... it's better to find it out now than in twenty years! Well, I'm sure no such a thing would ever happen (because, you know, Eason is fucking open-minded).
At the same point, I suppose I'm happy in my life. I don't need sex anymore, I've sorta found out my way of thinking and how I can use it to help people, and etc. Anyway, my life could be much worse. Like it was at the beginning of the summer I suppose!
I've been on gay411 and manhunt yesterday... I stayed because some guy was talking to me (he didn't want to have sex) and it was fun. Guess I don't have of a social life lately! lol And then Khanh came online and talked to me, and accused me of lying by lowering my age limit... wtf!! And he kept insisting that "he knew" I was lying... WTF, SERIOUSLY? I fucking hate that. Can you stop defining me? Well you can think whatever about me, but don't tell me! You are who you are, not what others say about you. So help everyone and just fucking stop saying shit about other people.
Ok, that's my big rant of the day! Now I'll be super mad and I hope will work well under that stress. Oh, and Eason didn't answer when I asked him if he was coming to see me in two weeks, so... I don't know what to think... it's just making me worry a lot... :/
I've been starting to have insomnia a lot lately.. Well, I had insomnia on Wednesday night, and then the following nights I just decided to stay awake late to work instead losing my time trying to sleep! The only problem is that I've become super tired and highly emotional...
I'm always stressed out when I send a text to Eason. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. My theory is that I always say the things that come to my mind and am honest with them, so if there is something that he doesn't like and it makes him hate me forever, well... it's better to find it out now than in twenty years! Well, I'm sure no such a thing would ever happen (because, you know, Eason is fucking open-minded).
At the same point, I suppose I'm happy in my life. I don't need sex anymore, I've sorta found out my way of thinking and how I can use it to help people, and etc. Anyway, my life could be much worse. Like it was at the beginning of the summer I suppose!
I've been on gay411 and manhunt yesterday... I stayed because some guy was talking to me (he didn't want to have sex) and it was fun. Guess I don't have of a social life lately! lol And then Khanh came online and talked to me, and accused me of lying by lowering my age limit... wtf!! And he kept insisting that "he knew" I was lying... WTF, SERIOUSLY? I fucking hate that. Can you stop defining me? Well you can think whatever about me, but don't tell me! You are who you are, not what others say about you. So help everyone and just fucking stop saying shit about other people.
Ok, that's my big rant of the day! Now I'll be super mad and I hope will work well under that stress. Oh, and Eason didn't answer when I asked him if he was coming to see me in two weeks, so... I don't know what to think... it's just making me worry a lot... :/
Friday, August 19, 2011
8/19 "You're Not Bi, You're Gay!"
That's what a gay friend of mine (Khanh) keeps telling me. Well, I understand why he would do such a thing. I like guys, we talk about guys sometimes, I don't talk about girls to him, and that's it. He then assumes from this that I don't like girls.
Well, that's fine, he can think whatever he wants. But something here isn't right: He gives himself the right to describe me and establish that I am gay and completely gay and not bi at all.
Now what? Of course it keeps popping in my head. Maybe I'm psychologically weak, maybe I think too much, maybe I don't know... But anyway, now every time I see a girl, I have to think of her as a sexual object. Why? Because I have to insert deep in my brain that I am attracted to girls, because I need to keep making sexual comments about them, I need to show everyone that I am completely bisexual, just because that's the only way Khanh will be able to see I am bi.
wtf
Yeah...
And I'm quite 100% sure that everyone does the same thing. Well actually I keep talking about the same thing all over again and there is nothing new in this post at all, but I figured it would still be nice to have another example of beliefs and groups.
On bisexuality, I am acting like a kid. Here is the thing: I watch and enjoy female porn as much as gay porn (in fact for the past few months - maybe year - I have been more into straight porn because I can find more easily!) Hence, I am bi. Wait, I never had sex with a woman before! Does that mean I don't want to? I'm fucking dreaming about undressing a girl, touching her boobs, her butt, licking her pussy, putting my fingers in it, and then fuck her. Yup. I need to get laid. I'm dreaming about doing it. I'm seriously thinking about finding some kind of website (cuz I'm a relatively shy person and don't like losing time in bars or stuff... lol)
Does that make me bi? Well no. I AM ALREADY BISEXUAL. No need to become it or anything. Will I know when I try a few times? No, no, no! It's not about knowing if I'm straight, gay, bi, or anything, it's just about being myself and living free. Free of whatever other people might think of me.
When I look in the streets at other people, I never look at how beautiful or anything they are. In fact, I don't know what beauty is. So in other words everyone is beautiful for me. When I look at people, I find them all interesting. I want to know more about their lives. So I try to guess, I look at how they dress, how they walk, how they look around, how they talk, etc. I find it extremely interesting to get to know people. That way, or in any other way.
But when I'm with a friend and they ask me: "What do you think of that guy or that chick?" FUCK YOU!! I don't care what they look like, and I don't want to judge them on their appearance! That's clearly disgusting and almost sick...
Everyone is different and that's what makes them beautiful. The fat 60 yo man, or the transvestite. The transfigured black lady or the homeless man missing a leg. They're all interesting for me. And sexually is the same. I'd say yes if any of these asked me. (though I am not really looking for sex lately... not have done any since Simon two weeks ago!)
So, back to the problem. I am bi, but I am doubting it. Why? Because one person is completely sure that I am wrong. I could not care about what he says and thinks, but fuck I do... >_< I mean, now every time I look at a woman, I need to ask myself "Do I find her sexy?" I want to believe I am bi. But I rationally know that I shouldn't do that. I should stop listening to the shit people say about me. I should stop worrying about my sexuality and what people think of it. I should just be as free as I want to be.
But Khanh is a good friend and I care about the stuff he says. So it's getting into me... Without my consent. I need to work on that. Because that's how people were able to manipulate me in the past.
Well, that's fine, he can think whatever he wants. But something here isn't right: He gives himself the right to describe me and establish that I am gay and completely gay and not bi at all.
Now what? Of course it keeps popping in my head. Maybe I'm psychologically weak, maybe I think too much, maybe I don't know... But anyway, now every time I see a girl, I have to think of her as a sexual object. Why? Because I have to insert deep in my brain that I am attracted to girls, because I need to keep making sexual comments about them, I need to show everyone that I am completely bisexual, just because that's the only way Khanh will be able to see I am bi.
wtf
Yeah...
And I'm quite 100% sure that everyone does the same thing. Well actually I keep talking about the same thing all over again and there is nothing new in this post at all, but I figured it would still be nice to have another example of beliefs and groups.
On bisexuality, I am acting like a kid. Here is the thing: I watch and enjoy female porn as much as gay porn (in fact for the past few months - maybe year - I have been more into straight porn because I can find more easily!) Hence, I am bi. Wait, I never had sex with a woman before! Does that mean I don't want to? I'm fucking dreaming about undressing a girl, touching her boobs, her butt, licking her pussy, putting my fingers in it, and then fuck her. Yup. I need to get laid. I'm dreaming about doing it. I'm seriously thinking about finding some kind of website (cuz I'm a relatively shy person and don't like losing time in bars or stuff... lol)
Does that make me bi? Well no. I AM ALREADY BISEXUAL. No need to become it or anything. Will I know when I try a few times? No, no, no! It's not about knowing if I'm straight, gay, bi, or anything, it's just about being myself and living free. Free of whatever other people might think of me.
When I look in the streets at other people, I never look at how beautiful or anything they are. In fact, I don't know what beauty is. So in other words everyone is beautiful for me. When I look at people, I find them all interesting. I want to know more about their lives. So I try to guess, I look at how they dress, how they walk, how they look around, how they talk, etc. I find it extremely interesting to get to know people. That way, or in any other way.
But when I'm with a friend and they ask me: "What do you think of that guy or that chick?" FUCK YOU!! I don't care what they look like, and I don't want to judge them on their appearance! That's clearly disgusting and almost sick...
Everyone is different and that's what makes them beautiful. The fat 60 yo man, or the transvestite. The transfigured black lady or the homeless man missing a leg. They're all interesting for me. And sexually is the same. I'd say yes if any of these asked me. (though I am not really looking for sex lately... not have done any since Simon two weeks ago!)
So, back to the problem. I am bi, but I am doubting it. Why? Because one person is completely sure that I am wrong. I could not care about what he says and thinks, but fuck I do... >_< I mean, now every time I look at a woman, I need to ask myself "Do I find her sexy?" I want to believe I am bi. But I rationally know that I shouldn't do that. I should stop listening to the shit people say about me. I should stop worrying about my sexuality and what people think of it. I should just be as free as I want to be.
But Khanh is a good friend and I care about the stuff he says. So it's getting into me... Without my consent. I need to work on that. Because that's how people were able to manipulate me in the past.
8/19 Would You Like Your Son to Be Gay?
So I was talking with Khanh the other day, and he asked me if I would like my son to be gay. Well, that's not my problem, I don't really give a shit. But what he was asking is that if I had a choice for my son to be straight (normal) or gay, what would I choose? Well I'm not the one to choose! lol But he answered he'd prefer him to be straight.
Why? Because being different is "bad" for a kid. Like the boy will have a troubled childhood or something. So he'd preferred if his son would be like everyone else...
Doesn't that show that Khanh doesn't like being gay? That he'd prefer not to have been through all of this and be normal like everyone else instead? Well yes.
But I'd like to go a step further here. When you think something is good or bad (he thinks being gay is bad) then when you are in one of the situation (he is on the "bad" side since he is gay), you get to believe you are indeed gay. So let me explain again: Think you are gay + gay is bad -> think you are in the bad category -> believe you are gay.
I am not saying this out of nowhere, I can easily see this psychological reaction from many other situations. Anyway, this is why I keep saying, with no rational proof, that beliefs are creating false ideas. Khanh believes he is gay. But he isn't. He just doesn't want to get detached from his belief that he is stuck in the bad category of people, the gay people. He has an attachment to this group of people. He believes he is "stuck" in a minority group, and has to live with it all his life. But in fact he is free of his decisions. He is free to like women just as much as men. But that would require losing faith in something that he proudly realized in his identity crisis.
So in some ways the only way to keep away from beliefs is probably to keep being critical about everything. And by doing that you realize much more about this world. And it does not only help yourself as a person, it helps others. It lets other people be free of being whoever they want. Just like there should be freedom of sexual choice for teenagers, and acceptance and encouragement of it by their parents.
Why? Because being different is "bad" for a kid. Like the boy will have a troubled childhood or something. So he'd preferred if his son would be like everyone else...
Doesn't that show that Khanh doesn't like being gay? That he'd prefer not to have been through all of this and be normal like everyone else instead? Well yes.
But I'd like to go a step further here. When you think something is good or bad (he thinks being gay is bad) then when you are in one of the situation (he is on the "bad" side since he is gay), you get to believe you are indeed gay. So let me explain again: Think you are gay + gay is bad -> think you are in the bad category -> believe you are gay.
I am not saying this out of nowhere, I can easily see this psychological reaction from many other situations. Anyway, this is why I keep saying, with no rational proof, that beliefs are creating false ideas. Khanh believes he is gay. But he isn't. He just doesn't want to get detached from his belief that he is stuck in the bad category of people, the gay people. He has an attachment to this group of people. He believes he is "stuck" in a minority group, and has to live with it all his life. But in fact he is free of his decisions. He is free to like women just as much as men. But that would require losing faith in something that he proudly realized in his identity crisis.
So in some ways the only way to keep away from beliefs is probably to keep being critical about everything. And by doing that you realize much more about this world. And it does not only help yourself as a person, it helps others. It lets other people be free of being whoever they want. Just like there should be freedom of sexual choice for teenagers, and acceptance and encouragement of it by their parents.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
8/17 WO FUCKING XIANG NI
And you'd better come here at the end of the month or else I'm gonna cry and be the saddest person in the world!!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
8/16 Friends
I've been telling myself that I've got lots of friends and a few good friends, and that my social life was extremely enjoyable. Was that I lie to myself? Maybe. Let's figure this out.
My facebook is full of people I don't know. But it's also full of people I know. I'm not sure what is the difference, as I treat them all equally. I think I could put my friends in somewhat 4 different categories:
People I Don't Know: I might have talked to them or not, but I don't really care. I will leave them there and might from time to time like something on their wall. It's cool. I'm interested in them. I'm curious about their lives. I'd probably say yes if they invited me somewhere, because I almost always say yes. So in shot if they want to be closer to me, then I'll give them that chance. If they don't ask for anything, I won't do anything and eventually nothing will ever happen between us.
Forgotten Friends: These friends from high school or just from my hometown. Even if I see them again, I don't know if I want to spend time with them again. I mean, I KNEW them, I don't know them anymore. We've all changed and we are mostly living in different cities, so we all know it's better if we don't talk at all. Which we do.
Friends: Those I keep talking to regularly. Can't say I go out with them that much, though I have not been going out so much lately. These people are mostly people I like to be around, but don't really talk much about me. I tend to hate the way they think (and therefore I suppose I hate them at the same time) so I wonder if I really consider them as friends. And similarly, they probably don't really like me that much because they don't show it.
Good friends: These are the friends I can talk about stuff happening in my life. I used to say everything to everyone, but I think I really changed. I don't tend to talk about my personal life and my thoughts (well, what's here on this blog) to everybody, just to these good friends. And actually I don't really talk to them about these, I just write it on my blog and wait to see if they read it if they want to. I think they are more open-minded than most people, since they don't seem to judge people so easily, or at least me. They read this blog and don't have anything to say (so I suppose they don't think I'm crazy), while if I shared this with my other normal friends, they would try to help me out, tell me that I'm doing things in a wrong way, etc. But I don't really hang out with my good friends. Sometimes, but really not often. Well, most of them are not in Montreal, so maybe that's why...
So what is a friend for me? I don't know. I'd like to say it's someone you hang out with, spend time together, talk about stuff, etc. Well, none of my friends are "friends" then. I definitely feel like I don't have many friends right now (hence this post), but I wonder if I really want to have more, or spend more time with those I already have. I mean, I will say yes if they ask me, but they're not, so I'm staying all alone in front of my computer all day. Well, not that it isn't fun, just that it feels lonely sometimes.
Well I don't have much money right now. Actually, I have $30,000 of debts. Most without interest, but a part with. So I try to spend as less as possible, staying home eating ramen. Yet I know I won't be able to pay back my debts this year, so why should I care? I could just borrow more and more money and be happy, right? I don't know. Will I be happy to hang out with friends I don't really like? Or should I spend money hanging out with my good friends? Well, what for? I don't need to hang out with them. Their "use" is for talking and exchanging ideas, not to have fun. I mean, I already feel good knowing they are there when I need them, so why should I spend money and time to have fun with them?
Anyway, I guess I just don't like people in general. Because they aren't honest to others, and aren't honest to themselves. And the last part is hard, because I can't even do it myself. My blog is proof of that.
I'm gonna start school in two weeks. So I'm gonna spend 20 hours a week with the same bunch of guys (yeah, they're gonna be guys, my program is sexist...) So obviously, they're gonna be my friends and everything. And that's cool. So maybe I will feel less lonely by then.
For now, I like to spend time with Khanh, who I might soon give access to my blog. I miss Christina a lot, when are you coming back!?!?! :D And I suppose I'll see Guillaume once every two months or so. Same thing for Eason (cuz he's gonna be super busy... :/ ) And maybe Adrienne from time to time...
Anyway, this didn't help much :P I might have a lot of friends, I still feel fucking alone! lol
My facebook is full of people I don't know. But it's also full of people I know. I'm not sure what is the difference, as I treat them all equally. I think I could put my friends in somewhat 4 different categories:
People I Don't Know: I might have talked to them or not, but I don't really care. I will leave them there and might from time to time like something on their wall. It's cool. I'm interested in them. I'm curious about their lives. I'd probably say yes if they invited me somewhere, because I almost always say yes. So in shot if they want to be closer to me, then I'll give them that chance. If they don't ask for anything, I won't do anything and eventually nothing will ever happen between us.
Forgotten Friends: These friends from high school or just from my hometown. Even if I see them again, I don't know if I want to spend time with them again. I mean, I KNEW them, I don't know them anymore. We've all changed and we are mostly living in different cities, so we all know it's better if we don't talk at all. Which we do.
Friends: Those I keep talking to regularly. Can't say I go out with them that much, though I have not been going out so much lately. These people are mostly people I like to be around, but don't really talk much about me. I tend to hate the way they think (and therefore I suppose I hate them at the same time) so I wonder if I really consider them as friends. And similarly, they probably don't really like me that much because they don't show it.
Good friends: These are the friends I can talk about stuff happening in my life. I used to say everything to everyone, but I think I really changed. I don't tend to talk about my personal life and my thoughts (well, what's here on this blog) to everybody, just to these good friends. And actually I don't really talk to them about these, I just write it on my blog and wait to see if they read it if they want to. I think they are more open-minded than most people, since they don't seem to judge people so easily, or at least me. They read this blog and don't have anything to say (so I suppose they don't think I'm crazy), while if I shared this with my other normal friends, they would try to help me out, tell me that I'm doing things in a wrong way, etc. But I don't really hang out with my good friends. Sometimes, but really not often. Well, most of them are not in Montreal, so maybe that's why...
So what is a friend for me? I don't know. I'd like to say it's someone you hang out with, spend time together, talk about stuff, etc. Well, none of my friends are "friends" then. I definitely feel like I don't have many friends right now (hence this post), but I wonder if I really want to have more, or spend more time with those I already have. I mean, I will say yes if they ask me, but they're not, so I'm staying all alone in front of my computer all day. Well, not that it isn't fun, just that it feels lonely sometimes.
Well I don't have much money right now. Actually, I have $30,000 of debts. Most without interest, but a part with. So I try to spend as less as possible, staying home eating ramen. Yet I know I won't be able to pay back my debts this year, so why should I care? I could just borrow more and more money and be happy, right? I don't know. Will I be happy to hang out with friends I don't really like? Or should I spend money hanging out with my good friends? Well, what for? I don't need to hang out with them. Their "use" is for talking and exchanging ideas, not to have fun. I mean, I already feel good knowing they are there when I need them, so why should I spend money and time to have fun with them?
Anyway, I guess I just don't like people in general. Because they aren't honest to others, and aren't honest to themselves. And the last part is hard, because I can't even do it myself. My blog is proof of that.
I'm gonna start school in two weeks. So I'm gonna spend 20 hours a week with the same bunch of guys (yeah, they're gonna be guys, my program is sexist...) So obviously, they're gonna be my friends and everything. And that's cool. So maybe I will feel less lonely by then.
For now, I like to spend time with Khanh, who I might soon give access to my blog. I miss Christina a lot, when are you coming back!?!?! :D And I suppose I'll see Guillaume once every two months or so. Same thing for Eason (cuz he's gonna be super busy... :/ ) And maybe Adrienne from time to time...
Anyway, this didn't help much :P I might have a lot of friends, I still feel fucking alone! lol
Sunday, August 14, 2011
8/14 Love, Really?
I don't think I've ever been in "love". In fact, I don't believe in love. It's just some kind of stupid idea we decided to create in order to feel better... I've had relationships and tried to give as much affection as possible to the other person, and felt like these people were great persons. Then I did whatever you are supposed to do in a relationship, being romantic and loving and whatever. I definitely wasn't the best at it, but anyway. I didn't really care cuz I would break up a few months later and feel so good about destroying their entire lives! Hehe, I'm a bad person :P
I've had a fucking huge bunch of guys in love with me... I always hate that. "Hello darling, how are you today?" WTF! I've never met you before and you think my name is Johann! So I have to explain to each of these desperate people how things work in a rational way and etc. And then they say "Oh, you are right!" And they keep trying later on, until they get tired of it... and so all this whole process makes me really pisseed off about love in general.
I'm a quite rational person. Which means that I know quickly when something is not making sense, or for example that a relationship is not gonna work out. Still, I've had a few relationship with an idea in mind: nothing is perfect. Before every of my relationships, I've knew that it was not gonna work out, but still I gave it a try, telling myself that it didn't really matter. But I guess it did.
So yeah, I don't believe in love. But you know what? I'm in love. Right now. Fuck I don't understand a thing about this...
I'm not gonna go into details (cuz I'm not a teenage girl anymore! uh, wait, I still am...) but the circumstances in which we met made it possible for me not to think about being in a relationship with that guy. And it took me 6 months to realize he liked me. So for the first six months, I didn't have to think about any love between me and him. Instead, we just spent time together. Good time.
Then out of nowhere I finally noticed he loved me. And with rational thinking I loved him too. And in my brain: "Francis, you have to find something wrong about this guy, you know you can't be in a relationship with him, cuz relationships are stupid." And yet the opposite happens: I get to love him more and more...
urgh... I don't get it...
So I went up with this theory from a friend: Love is just some kind of security. Security that there is someone for you when you need it. Security that you have someone to share your thoughts with. Security that you are not alone in this world. Well, I think it makes a lot of sense. But I don't think I've really needed any security before. Did it change? Do I feel like I need some kind of social security now, and this is why my brain finally wants to be "in love"? I'm not so sure about that. I don't think my independance changed that much in the last few months. And I don't really think I want that kind of "security" from a relationship. Yet, what is great is that this guy doesn't give me any "security". I'm still completely by myself and that's awesome! :)
So what is this feeling I have that people call love? Why do I consider this person as special compared to others? I have no fucking idea. I've had this theory that he reminds me of my family, or that we think in a similar way (and he really is the first!)
Anyway, let's just wait and see... and love :)
Edit: I wrote this with the intention of putting it on my facebook, but I changed my mind, so that's why I didn't name anyone... anyway, who cares, really.
I've had a fucking huge bunch of guys in love with me... I always hate that. "Hello darling, how are you today?" WTF! I've never met you before and you think my name is Johann! So I have to explain to each of these desperate people how things work in a rational way and etc. And then they say "Oh, you are right!" And they keep trying later on, until they get tired of it... and so all this whole process makes me really pisseed off about love in general.
I'm a quite rational person. Which means that I know quickly when something is not making sense, or for example that a relationship is not gonna work out. Still, I've had a few relationship with an idea in mind: nothing is perfect. Before every of my relationships, I've knew that it was not gonna work out, but still I gave it a try, telling myself that it didn't really matter. But I guess it did.
So yeah, I don't believe in love. But you know what? I'm in love. Right now. Fuck I don't understand a thing about this...
I'm not gonna go into details (cuz I'm not a teenage girl anymore! uh, wait, I still am...) but the circumstances in which we met made it possible for me not to think about being in a relationship with that guy. And it took me 6 months to realize he liked me. So for the first six months, I didn't have to think about any love between me and him. Instead, we just spent time together. Good time.
Then out of nowhere I finally noticed he loved me. And with rational thinking I loved him too. And in my brain: "Francis, you have to find something wrong about this guy, you know you can't be in a relationship with him, cuz relationships are stupid." And yet the opposite happens: I get to love him more and more...
urgh... I don't get it...
So I went up with this theory from a friend: Love is just some kind of security. Security that there is someone for you when you need it. Security that you have someone to share your thoughts with. Security that you are not alone in this world. Well, I think it makes a lot of sense. But I don't think I've really needed any security before. Did it change? Do I feel like I need some kind of social security now, and this is why my brain finally wants to be "in love"? I'm not so sure about that. I don't think my independance changed that much in the last few months. And I don't really think I want that kind of "security" from a relationship. Yet, what is great is that this guy doesn't give me any "security". I'm still completely by myself and that's awesome! :)
So what is this feeling I have that people call love? Why do I consider this person as special compared to others? I have no fucking idea. I've had this theory that he reminds me of my family, or that we think in a similar way (and he really is the first!)
Anyway, let's just wait and see... and love :)
Edit: I wrote this with the intention of putting it on my facebook, but I changed my mind, so that's why I didn't name anyone... anyway, who cares, really.
8/14 Memories
I was listening to this song. It reminds me of my home. And me going back trying to find myself, but not being able to. Yet I keep having all my memories about this place. But I'm different now, and the place is different too. It's sad.
It also remind me of my second home, in Coaticook/Dixville. This is where I spent my summers with my family and this another family. Quite easily the best memories of my childhood. I need to go back there one day. For the same reasons.
Eason told me that on New Year's Eve I gave him my phone number, but I thought I gave him my email address. (I did give him my phone number first, then I gave him my email in a text! lol) So I just wanted to be sure (since I've started having a really bad memory lately... :/ I forget everything...) and so I looked for the first email he sent me on January 4th:
Hi Francis,
I’m back Toronto now. It was so nice and exciting to meet you in Montreal on the new year eve. I had the best kissing ever with you. I really want to come back again to meet you, can I? J You are such a sweet and kind guy that I have been thinking about all the time these days. I would never forget such special day from 2010 to 2011.
You are also welcome to Toronto and visit me. I wish it would be coming soon.
All the best to you and your family in 2011.
Cheers,
Eason
===
Hey Eason! Nice to hear from you! :)
Yeah it'd be nice to meet again! But I don't think I'll go in Toronto (I'm still a student so I don't have that much money or time...) So if you come back in Montreal, just don't forget to tell me in advance so that I can find some time! :)
Talk to you later!
Francis
===
Hey Francis,
Great to hear you back. When would you usually have more free time during your school term? I will try to come when you are not that busy (don’t want to disturb your study too much J). Are you on the Face book or MSN?
Take care,
Eason
===
And we kept talking on facebook, I pretty much said stupid things while he really liked me... :/ Anyway, I was quite stupid not noticing that he liked me... That was probably because I was with Fan at that time so I wasn't really thinking about being in love with other guys... But seriously I didn't notice he was in love with me. It took me 6 whole months to realize it!!! lol
Anyway, these memories about Eason keep popping all the time. And I keep having this weird feeling of "love" or whatever it is. I love him. I really do. That's weird, because I wouldn't have really said that with another person before. Or at least I wouldn't mean it completely. But yet, I don't understand what love is. Why do I say I am in love with him if I don't want to believe in love? Is it proof that love is a true feeling?
I love you Eason :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
8/12 Sacrifices Are Needed For Global Welfare
So I was reading this from our east306 blog: http://east306.wordpress.com/2011/08/01/fill-up-the-square-square-the-circle/#more-1676
I think it is a really interesting article. But the same problem is there again. The same fucking problem I've been seeing all the time. I'm gonna curse again, but I can't calm down anymore. Fuck with these emotional thoughts thinking that their way of thinking is better than others. Fuck them and fuck those who agree or go against them. Fuck everyone with opinions.
Why am I saying that? Well, isn't obvious? The author tries to explain how to solve a problem by arguing that she is right since she is rational. But she isn't rational. She is just trying to be rational. You cannot be rational if you have a goal behind it, something you will gain profit from. Here, this author wants to influence people that her opinion is right. And that is clearly out of any rationality.
Well, you could say that I am acting in the exact same way. And it would be almost true. I write things here in order to influence with my thoughts. Or not. Who reads this blog? Who reads my thoughts? No one, or almost no one. Why? Because I know I am not completely rational, and I do not want to get people in my irrational thoughts. I want, instead, to be rational to myself (this blog is for myself) in order to find the truth instead of shitting opinions all over. It is easy to poo on the carpet to show your parents you want to evacuate, but it is much better if you keep it for yourself and the toilet. It's not because you want to defecate that you need to tell everyone. (okay, my example is completely stupid and irresponsible, but I have to say I'm writing this really late and I am kind of pissed off by the article I just read).
The problem with nuclear energy? Well, is there really a problem? We know nuclear energy is economically wonderful, and therefore helps raise the standards of living. Now, it also makes people sick, so if we consider human's health to be our first priority (which I do not necessarily agree on), then yes, nuclear energy is more dangerous than other safer energy resources. If human lives is the most important thing on your mind, then yes, we should "turn off" nuclear power plants. That isn't really that difficult.
Whose fault is it? Why don't the government do anything for its people? Why do they keep telling lies? What do they make us believe? Why don't we all go against them? etc. etc. Stupid questions. All fucking stupid questions. Democracy? No, this isn't about democracy and the right to protest. It's about rationality and the right to think before doing or saying anything stupid.
By trying to put all the blame on the government, those who protest are missing something. They want to have their opinion heard, but politicians already know all the have to say. In fact, they know much more and have to take decisions based on that. Even if hundreds of angry citizen protest against nuclear power plants, should you stop all nuclear energy and put your country in the lowest economical state of the world? Obviously not. Aren't lives of citizen more important than profit? Well, we live in a capitalist society: money -> welfare. This is a truth, and we have to deal with it (or change completely our societies). If lives are the most important thing, then we need money. And we also need to have as few people around nuclear power plants as possible. You want to save as many lives as possible? Well, you need to sacrifice some. You want a lot of energy? Well, you need to risk numerous lives.
All opinions against the government's decisions make total sense. But accusing the government just to release a personal rage from emotions on death of some people is just childish. We do not want to kill. We do not want to die. That is true. But we are not yet in a world where we can attain a high level of welfare without sacrifices. Instead of accusing other people for this fact, why not try to find solutions to increase world welfare? That is what the governments have mostly been struggling for, and its citizens just slow them down. Sure, governments sometimes test their theories and make mistakes, but that is part of their job. At least they are doing much more than most people. At least they are trying to find ways to increase welfare. While protesters are trying to find way to slow down this welfare, to go back to the middle ages.
I think it is a really interesting article. But the same problem is there again. The same fucking problem I've been seeing all the time. I'm gonna curse again, but I can't calm down anymore. Fuck with these emotional thoughts thinking that their way of thinking is better than others. Fuck them and fuck those who agree or go against them. Fuck everyone with opinions.
Why am I saying that? Well, isn't obvious? The author tries to explain how to solve a problem by arguing that she is right since she is rational. But she isn't rational. She is just trying to be rational. You cannot be rational if you have a goal behind it, something you will gain profit from. Here, this author wants to influence people that her opinion is right. And that is clearly out of any rationality.
Well, you could say that I am acting in the exact same way. And it would be almost true. I write things here in order to influence with my thoughts. Or not. Who reads this blog? Who reads my thoughts? No one, or almost no one. Why? Because I know I am not completely rational, and I do not want to get people in my irrational thoughts. I want, instead, to be rational to myself (this blog is for myself) in order to find the truth instead of shitting opinions all over. It is easy to poo on the carpet to show your parents you want to evacuate, but it is much better if you keep it for yourself and the toilet. It's not because you want to defecate that you need to tell everyone. (okay, my example is completely stupid and irresponsible, but I have to say I'm writing this really late and I am kind of pissed off by the article I just read).
The problem with nuclear energy? Well, is there really a problem? We know nuclear energy is economically wonderful, and therefore helps raise the standards of living. Now, it also makes people sick, so if we consider human's health to be our first priority (which I do not necessarily agree on), then yes, nuclear energy is more dangerous than other safer energy resources. If human lives is the most important thing on your mind, then yes, we should "turn off" nuclear power plants. That isn't really that difficult.
Whose fault is it? Why don't the government do anything for its people? Why do they keep telling lies? What do they make us believe? Why don't we all go against them? etc. etc. Stupid questions. All fucking stupid questions. Democracy? No, this isn't about democracy and the right to protest. It's about rationality and the right to think before doing or saying anything stupid.
By trying to put all the blame on the government, those who protest are missing something. They want to have their opinion heard, but politicians already know all the have to say. In fact, they know much more and have to take decisions based on that. Even if hundreds of angry citizen protest against nuclear power plants, should you stop all nuclear energy and put your country in the lowest economical state of the world? Obviously not. Aren't lives of citizen more important than profit? Well, we live in a capitalist society: money -> welfare. This is a truth, and we have to deal with it (or change completely our societies). If lives are the most important thing, then we need money. And we also need to have as few people around nuclear power plants as possible. You want to save as many lives as possible? Well, you need to sacrifice some. You want a lot of energy? Well, you need to risk numerous lives.
All opinions against the government's decisions make total sense. But accusing the government just to release a personal rage from emotions on death of some people is just childish. We do not want to kill. We do not want to die. That is true. But we are not yet in a world where we can attain a high level of welfare without sacrifices. Instead of accusing other people for this fact, why not try to find solutions to increase world welfare? That is what the governments have mostly been struggling for, and its citizens just slow them down. Sure, governments sometimes test their theories and make mistakes, but that is part of their job. At least they are doing much more than most people. At least they are trying to find ways to increase welfare. While protesters are trying to find way to slow down this welfare, to go back to the middle ages.
8/10 Hanebashi
So I was reading back my texts from my third year course of Japanese. Every time we had to read one, we also had to write some kind of opinion about it. In this one, hanebashi, I remember I wrote a bunch of stupid stuff and got a really good grade and a lot of good comments from my professor. Reading it back, I find it completely amazing what this whole story is about.
In the story, a baron is about to go away and tells his wife to stay in the castle while he is away. She wanted to see her lover, so she went out on her own, crossing the castle bridge. On her way back, there was a madman with a sword blocking the bridge, so she couldn't get in fearing to get killed. She went to ask the boatman to help her cross the water, but he was asking for money she didn't have. She then went to see a friend who refused to give her money because it was what she deserved. After all this, she goes back to the castle and as soon as she puts a foot on the bridge, the madman kills her.
The question was: Who is responsible for her death. The baron, the baron's wife, the lover, the madman, the boatman, or the friend? My answer was as simple as I could think of: the madamn, because he is the one who killed her, so he is essentially responsible. In my written opinion, since I usually don't do well, I decided to write a bunch of stupid stuff. I said that it was the society's fault for letting a crazy man with a sword out there. So her death is our responsibility for not taking care of crazy people. So yes, I had a unique answer to the question, and that is probably why I got a good grade.
The problem is that I've never been able to answer the question. Who is responsible for her death? But first, why is there a need to have someone responsible of her death? For me, she was killed, and it doesn't make sense to start blaming someone or something. SHE WAS KILLED. Here, you have a fact. She was killed by the madman following a series of events. Another fact. The story is a whole fact. And I assume what it tells is all true. Even if it wasn't, my conclusion remains the same. There is a killer, for a fact (the madman), but that's all there is to her death.
We are made to react in some situations with "emotions". To make it clearer, I will call these "fake emotions". When someone close to us is killed by someone, we have this fake emotion of revenge. This fake emotion was created by society, by people who think revenge is a good thing, and who made this fake emotion shared between people. Why do I say it is a fake emotion? Because we do not need revenge. We do not need to feel like we want to get revenge on the ones who killed those we loved. Of course, we are made to believe in revenge, but we do not have to believe in it, since the truth is that even if people show they believe in revenge, they, like everyone, don't really believe in it.
I was asked before: What would you do if someone killed your parents? Well, nothing. The person who asked me said he would try to get revenge and everything. And he didn't believe me I wouldn't want to do anything. Well, my parents are killed by someone else. So what? They're dead, they're not in my life anymore, I won't be able to talk to them anymore, etc. These are all facts. Do I need to feel anything towards these facts? Do I need to feel anything towards their death? their killer? Or could I just be rational and accept the fact that they are killed and not create any fake emotion of revenge in my head?
So who is responsible for the death of the baron's wife? No one is. Because we do not need to put responsibility on someone. We do it because we believe it is the right thing to do. But this way of thinking is completely wrong. Instead, we should realize that her death is a simple fact, like many other things, and that there is no need to put an emotion on this fact.
This story and its question were therefore completely useless. In fact, they made people in my class believe that there should be someone responsible for every murder. Because the goal of this activity was to find the one responsible, without first trying to find out if there should be someone responsible for it or not. The question assumed that there had to be someone responsible, and that is what I'm describing as a fake emotion created by society. The society (our class in my example) has been told by the professor that we had to find a culprit, without first asking ourselves if we had to do this. Well obviously we had to do this, because it was part of an activity she wanted us to do. I had to write something to get my grade, and my classmatess also had to. We were stuck in the society and had to do like everyone else. And so we did, and at the same time made everyone believe that we believed in revenge and in responsibility over a death.
What did I learn from this retrospective? Well, actually, I'm doing it all the time. Deconstruct the obvious. Disbelieve. Recreate a rational world from scratch. What I didn't do though was to explain this. I only realized at the end of last March that I had to say what I really think. Before then, when asked for my opinion, I would throw a bunch of stupid stuff just to make the listener happy. That was my mistake. Now, when someone asks me my opinion on something, my answer is probably going to surprise them. Because having an opinion on something is stupid. I've always thought that way, but never said it. I've always did like everyone else, or tried to, but never succeeded. Now I don't have to try anymore.
If someone doesn't like the way I do or think, well, I don't care. I am honest. That's what is important in order to understand how the world works. If we keep doing like everyone else, we'll end up with the need of revenge every time someone is killed, as if it was a normal human emotion and reaction. If we think rationally before getting emotional and doing anything, then we'll see that revenge is not how the world works. But we keep it part of our society. We keep talking about it like it was needed and part of our world. No, revenge is a human creation. It is a fake emotion. We can get rid of it if we want to. But we have to do something. I'm doing my part, in disbelieving the generally accepted. If we stopped asking other people their opinions and instead tried to find the truth about things, we could be much further in understanding our society and living better with each other.
In the story, a baron is about to go away and tells his wife to stay in the castle while he is away. She wanted to see her lover, so she went out on her own, crossing the castle bridge. On her way back, there was a madman with a sword blocking the bridge, so she couldn't get in fearing to get killed. She went to ask the boatman to help her cross the water, but he was asking for money she didn't have. She then went to see a friend who refused to give her money because it was what she deserved. After all this, she goes back to the castle and as soon as she puts a foot on the bridge, the madman kills her.
The question was: Who is responsible for her death. The baron, the baron's wife, the lover, the madman, the boatman, or the friend? My answer was as simple as I could think of: the madamn, because he is the one who killed her, so he is essentially responsible. In my written opinion, since I usually don't do well, I decided to write a bunch of stupid stuff. I said that it was the society's fault for letting a crazy man with a sword out there. So her death is our responsibility for not taking care of crazy people. So yes, I had a unique answer to the question, and that is probably why I got a good grade.
The problem is that I've never been able to answer the question. Who is responsible for her death? But first, why is there a need to have someone responsible of her death? For me, she was killed, and it doesn't make sense to start blaming someone or something. SHE WAS KILLED. Here, you have a fact. She was killed by the madman following a series of events. Another fact. The story is a whole fact. And I assume what it tells is all true. Even if it wasn't, my conclusion remains the same. There is a killer, for a fact (the madman), but that's all there is to her death.
We are made to react in some situations with "emotions". To make it clearer, I will call these "fake emotions". When someone close to us is killed by someone, we have this fake emotion of revenge. This fake emotion was created by society, by people who think revenge is a good thing, and who made this fake emotion shared between people. Why do I say it is a fake emotion? Because we do not need revenge. We do not need to feel like we want to get revenge on the ones who killed those we loved. Of course, we are made to believe in revenge, but we do not have to believe in it, since the truth is that even if people show they believe in revenge, they, like everyone, don't really believe in it.
I was asked before: What would you do if someone killed your parents? Well, nothing. The person who asked me said he would try to get revenge and everything. And he didn't believe me I wouldn't want to do anything. Well, my parents are killed by someone else. So what? They're dead, they're not in my life anymore, I won't be able to talk to them anymore, etc. These are all facts. Do I need to feel anything towards these facts? Do I need to feel anything towards their death? their killer? Or could I just be rational and accept the fact that they are killed and not create any fake emotion of revenge in my head?
So who is responsible for the death of the baron's wife? No one is. Because we do not need to put responsibility on someone. We do it because we believe it is the right thing to do. But this way of thinking is completely wrong. Instead, we should realize that her death is a simple fact, like many other things, and that there is no need to put an emotion on this fact.
This story and its question were therefore completely useless. In fact, they made people in my class believe that there should be someone responsible for every murder. Because the goal of this activity was to find the one responsible, without first trying to find out if there should be someone responsible for it or not. The question assumed that there had to be someone responsible, and that is what I'm describing as a fake emotion created by society. The society (our class in my example) has been told by the professor that we had to find a culprit, without first asking ourselves if we had to do this. Well obviously we had to do this, because it was part of an activity she wanted us to do. I had to write something to get my grade, and my classmatess also had to. We were stuck in the society and had to do like everyone else. And so we did, and at the same time made everyone believe that we believed in revenge and in responsibility over a death.
What did I learn from this retrospective? Well, actually, I'm doing it all the time. Deconstruct the obvious. Disbelieve. Recreate a rational world from scratch. What I didn't do though was to explain this. I only realized at the end of last March that I had to say what I really think. Before then, when asked for my opinion, I would throw a bunch of stupid stuff just to make the listener happy. That was my mistake. Now, when someone asks me my opinion on something, my answer is probably going to surprise them. Because having an opinion on something is stupid. I've always thought that way, but never said it. I've always did like everyone else, or tried to, but never succeeded. Now I don't have to try anymore.
If someone doesn't like the way I do or think, well, I don't care. I am honest. That's what is important in order to understand how the world works. If we keep doing like everyone else, we'll end up with the need of revenge every time someone is killed, as if it was a normal human emotion and reaction. If we think rationally before getting emotional and doing anything, then we'll see that revenge is not how the world works. But we keep it part of our society. We keep talking about it like it was needed and part of our world. No, revenge is a human creation. It is a fake emotion. We can get rid of it if we want to. But we have to do something. I'm doing my part, in disbelieving the generally accepted. If we stopped asking other people their opinions and instead tried to find the truth about things, we could be much further in understanding our society and living better with each other.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
8/5-8/6 My Love in Toronto
So I went to Toronto from July 29 to August 1st. It was awesome. But it wasn't really the trip, the vacation or anything that was this fun, it was Eason. Obviously.
So quickly, here is what we do: On Friday evening, we went to a Japanese restaurant, then we headed to his place, had sex, and went with a friend, Justin Chen (not the same Justin as last time), to a gay bar, and went back and had sex again. The next day, we went to a dim-sum (I need to find how to spell this word... lol) then wandered around the city, went shopping a little bit, returned home, had sex (I think.. lol), wandered again in the city, and went to that restaurant. Then we headed back home to sleep early cuz we were tired. But obviously we had sex (we always have sex lol). Sunday, we got a car, went to Niagara Falls, put our stuff in the hotel room, went shopping, went to the falls, talked about relationships, came back to eat at a restaurant, came back to our hotel room, had sex in the jackuzi, went to bed and talked for a long time. Next day, waking up early and without much sleep, we went back to Toronto, had sex at his place, went shopping a little bit, then wandered around until 5pm, when we went eating in a Korean restaurant with Justin. Then they came with me to the bus station, I waited 45 minutes in the heat of buses and summer, and got on the way back to Montreal.
Yup, that's what we did. I think that's a lot! :P 6 times sex in 3 days! :)
As for Justin Chen, he's the guy I sleept with during the New Year's Eve foursome. He was the guy I found super sexy, the bald guy who didn't want to join us. Well thee reason for this was that it was his second time having sex, and even if he was drunk, he wasn't really expecting this. He is kinda afraid of sex, and feels like no one likes him, so during the weekend he texted Eason about looking gay when he's drunk, and etc. I reassured him I liked him, and that he shouldn't worry too muchh about it. Then I also tried to give him advices as to how to have sex with guys who could like him, instead of trying to get them on the streets (bars and clubs), like on Internet or in a sauna. Anyway, Justin is a really funny guy, with an active behavior (haha, that's the best I can describe :P ), and he kind of remind me of when I was younger (before I started having sex often). Anyway, he's a great guy and I got his phone number so now he's my friend! :P
Okay, I need to get back to cleaning my apartment, I will continue later on with the most important part: Eason! :)
Ok, back to this. I had sex with Simon tonight, but... I really didn't like it... anyway, that's another story and I don't think I have time or want to talk about it, so let's just forget it...
What I like about Eason is that he's not expecting me to do anything. He lets me do/think whatever I want. I mean, we're not in a relationship, so he shouldn't care, right? Well, it changed. He cares about me. He told me I was special. And by that he doesn't mean anything weird, he means that he loves me. Like he told me, he doesn't want a LTR, and he's probably not ready right now for any relationship anyway. He's busy with work and... probably some other reasons I can only guess.
Ok, I don't have much time, I want to go buy stuff and go back to my place (I slept at Khanh's place) so here is a part of what I wrote in an email to Adrienne:
My trip to Toronto actually changed me a lot. I'm probably starting another of what I call "phases in my life". I went to Toronto to see Eason, a friend who I've known since January. We've seen each other a few times (around once a month) and I really liked spending time with him, but I was only thinking of him as a guy I had sex with (I can't believe I'm talking about my sexual life to my mom!! :P ) It's only when he came here last month that I realized he had feelings for me, and, at the same time, I had feelings for him too. I started to think of him as someone "special" (and he used the same word for me), but I wasn't sure what I found so special about him. I finally understood last weekend: he's just like me. Well, we have different lives, but we fairly think the same way. I have yet to see one thing he believes in, he doesn't judge people, he's ready to be open-minded, he's honest, etc. I did give up on finding someone who would be similar to me, but he was right in front of me and it took me a long time to figure it out. Anyway, I'm in love with him. We're not in a relationship or anything, because we don't live in the same city, but we've talked about it and I think he's looking for the same kind of relationship I am (which is some kind of no-rules relationship). Anyway, knowing someone who thinks the same way as me is quite inspirational, and so it's motivating me to work harder :) Haha, for someone who doesn't believe in love, I wonder why I think I'm in love... human beings are so complicated! :P
So quickly, here is what we do: On Friday evening, we went to a Japanese restaurant, then we headed to his place, had sex, and went with a friend, Justin Chen (not the same Justin as last time), to a gay bar, and went back and had sex again. The next day, we went to a dim-sum (I need to find how to spell this word... lol) then wandered around the city, went shopping a little bit, returned home, had sex (I think.. lol), wandered again in the city, and went to that restaurant. Then we headed back home to sleep early cuz we were tired. But obviously we had sex (we always have sex lol). Sunday, we got a car, went to Niagara Falls, put our stuff in the hotel room, went shopping, went to the falls, talked about relationships, came back to eat at a restaurant, came back to our hotel room, had sex in the jackuzi, went to bed and talked for a long time. Next day, waking up early and without much sleep, we went back to Toronto, had sex at his place, went shopping a little bit, then wandered around until 5pm, when we went eating in a Korean restaurant with Justin. Then they came with me to the bus station, I waited 45 minutes in the heat of buses and summer, and got on the way back to Montreal.
Yup, that's what we did. I think that's a lot! :P 6 times sex in 3 days! :)
As for Justin Chen, he's the guy I sleept with during the New Year's Eve foursome. He was the guy I found super sexy, the bald guy who didn't want to join us. Well thee reason for this was that it was his second time having sex, and even if he was drunk, he wasn't really expecting this. He is kinda afraid of sex, and feels like no one likes him, so during the weekend he texted Eason about looking gay when he's drunk, and etc. I reassured him I liked him, and that he shouldn't worry too muchh about it. Then I also tried to give him advices as to how to have sex with guys who could like him, instead of trying to get them on the streets (bars and clubs), like on Internet or in a sauna. Anyway, Justin is a really funny guy, with an active behavior (haha, that's the best I can describe :P ), and he kind of remind me of when I was younger (before I started having sex often). Anyway, he's a great guy and I got his phone number so now he's my friend! :P
Okay, I need to get back to cleaning my apartment, I will continue later on with the most important part: Eason! :)
Ok, back to this. I had sex with Simon tonight, but... I really didn't like it... anyway, that's another story and I don't think I have time or want to talk about it, so let's just forget it...
What I like about Eason is that he's not expecting me to do anything. He lets me do/think whatever I want. I mean, we're not in a relationship, so he shouldn't care, right? Well, it changed. He cares about me. He told me I was special. And by that he doesn't mean anything weird, he means that he loves me. Like he told me, he doesn't want a LTR, and he's probably not ready right now for any relationship anyway. He's busy with work and... probably some other reasons I can only guess.
Ok, I don't have much time, I want to go buy stuff and go back to my place (I slept at Khanh's place) so here is a part of what I wrote in an email to Adrienne:
My trip to Toronto actually changed me a lot. I'm probably starting another of what I call "phases in my life". I went to Toronto to see Eason, a friend who I've known since January. We've seen each other a few times (around once a month) and I really liked spending time with him, but I was only thinking of him as a guy I had sex with (I can't believe I'm talking about my sexual life to my mom!! :P ) It's only when he came here last month that I realized he had feelings for me, and, at the same time, I had feelings for him too. I started to think of him as someone "special" (and he used the same word for me), but I wasn't sure what I found so special about him. I finally understood last weekend: he's just like me. Well, we have different lives, but we fairly think the same way. I have yet to see one thing he believes in, he doesn't judge people, he's ready to be open-minded, he's honest, etc. I did give up on finding someone who would be similar to me, but he was right in front of me and it took me a long time to figure it out. Anyway, I'm in love with him. We're not in a relationship or anything, because we don't live in the same city, but we've talked about it and I think he's looking for the same kind of relationship I am (which is some kind of no-rules relationship). Anyway, knowing someone who thinks the same way as me is quite inspirational, and so it's motivating me to work harder :) Haha, for someone who doesn't believe in love, I wonder why I think I'm in love... human beings are so complicated! :P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)