8/30 Don't Give Up

So I got this unexpected text from Khanh today:

"Eventhough you're not pretty [we were joking about how pretty I am] I still think you're beautiful inside... More beautiful than you can imagine!!!
That's more important than skin deep beauty"

Well people say these kind of things all the time, but the difference here is that Khanh is completely honest. So it kind of means a lot to me.

I don't think I'm grown up yet, I still have lots of things to figure out. But I think I'm quite different from others. I can be rational on everything because I am free of beliefs/influences. It is a strong statement and anyone could argue it is not true, and they would be right. It is just a state I have been trying to reach but I gave up. See my previous post.

And then Victor on facebook said "Enjoy, Francis! You will do well." referring to my new school term. A comment from him is always a good thing for me, for some reason I have already talked about in a previous post (see the "Longest Day" or something like that, and maybe others about Adrienne...? sorry I'm too lazy to get it back for you! lol)

These comments make me feel like I shouldn't give up. Maybe what I have been trying to achieve will eventually result in something good for humanity. Maybe if I keep suffering then I will finally find the truth? Well, I already have some kind of "truth" about how this world works (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read all of my posts! lol or look at those tagged "important" ;) ) It is highly complicated so I would need much more time to have it written down (about ten years?), but no one wants me to tell them "what I think the truth is". Many refuse to accept it, for many different reasons. And that is exactly what I did in my last post. I sort of refused that this truth could work in this world.

But you know what? I'll try again. Yes I will "force myself to believe" in the stuff I wrote in my last post, but that is because I need to survive in this fucked up society. I don't like being part of a group, but this is one I can't avoid. But on the other side, this is just to make me survive longer in this society. It's to keep me healthy and wealthy. In some ways, it's like a game, an act. I will have two personalities. One will be the rational/nihilist/realist person I have always been, and the other will be the same person, but with a so-called "positive attitude" towards everything. I will keep the true me here on this blog, but if you meet me or talk to me I will have to behave as the positive one, because you are expecting me to act that way...

Maybe I should work on that special blog/project I was talking about. Maybe there is some hope in it. At least that's what I got from some encouragements I got today! So let's just half give up. Because some people are relying on me to change this world, because they couldn't.

And yes, it could seem pretentious, but then again, if you read my blog and try to understand me, you'll see it isn't.