Notice: I'm tired, like said at the end, this post is purely crap, please do not read it. I would need to put much more order in it and try to think more, which I might do in the future, but I can't say I really want to talk about these stupid things ever again, so instead of removing it completely I will just post it anyway.
But seriously, don't read it... Most of it are lies... cuz being tired makes you write stuff without thinking...
I'm not gonna lie. Being recognized as a great person by both Sumi and Adrienne is something that I never could have imagined before. Sumi really likes me because of the documentary, and now every time she sees me she smiles so sweetly like if I was the best thing that ever happened in the last ten years. Adrienne calls me her son and have grown somehow close to me, telling me that I am special (an extremely good person) and have potential, and she even put a sky picture on her personal blog because of the happiness I added to her life.
Being able to say that both are like family (Adrienne my mom and Sumi my grandmother!) is something I am proud of. I remember Keum-Yeo or Brent being close to them in different ways, and I suppose I was kinda jealous. Now I can show them: Hey, I did it better than you!
But obviously I think that's stupid. That's acting like a spoiled child. I love both, and sometimes I have a certain need to express this love out of myself, but because I don't want to make anyone jealous, I don't do it. So I only talk about it on this blog or to some friends who don't know her. When I'm talking to friends who know her, I try to avoid talking about how close we are. For example I was talking to Melissa about Adrienne, and I was careful to hide that I knew her a lot, because I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't be appreciated by Adrienne like if she was a mom.
The truth is sad. Melissa won't. If they both like me that much, it's because of my rationality, my nihilism, but also my calm attitude and my problematic life. They do like almost everybody, but there is more that connects me and Sumi and Adrienne than other students.
That's sad. If someone who needs love could have their love instead of me, I'd be much happier. Because I hate to be loved. I like to think that no one likes me. It motivates me to work hard, to find my way.
Urgh, I'm tired of writing this shit... let's stop it here... anyway, this is probably the most inconsistent and erroneous post I've ever written. I probably shouldn't post it, and stop writing when I'm too tired...
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