That's what a gay friend of mine (Khanh) keeps telling me. Well, I understand why he would do such a thing. I like guys, we talk about guys sometimes, I don't talk about girls to him, and that's it. He then assumes from this that I don't like girls.
Well, that's fine, he can think whatever he wants. But something here isn't right: He gives himself the right to describe me and establish that I am gay and completely gay and not bi at all.
Now what? Of course it keeps popping in my head. Maybe I'm psychologically weak, maybe I think too much, maybe I don't know... But anyway, now every time I see a girl, I have to think of her as a sexual object. Why? Because I have to insert deep in my brain that I am attracted to girls, because I need to keep making sexual comments about them, I need to show everyone that I am completely bisexual, just because that's the only way Khanh will be able to see I am bi.
wtf
Yeah...
And I'm quite 100% sure that everyone does the same thing. Well actually I keep talking about the same thing all over again and there is nothing new in this post at all, but I figured it would still be nice to have another example of beliefs and groups.
On bisexuality, I am acting like a kid. Here is the thing: I watch and enjoy female porn as much as gay porn (in fact for the past few months - maybe year - I have been more into straight porn because I can find more easily!) Hence, I am bi. Wait, I never had sex with a woman before! Does that mean I don't want to? I'm fucking dreaming about undressing a girl, touching her boobs, her butt, licking her pussy, putting my fingers in it, and then fuck her. Yup. I need to get laid. I'm dreaming about doing it. I'm seriously thinking about finding some kind of website (cuz I'm a relatively shy person and don't like losing time in bars or stuff... lol)
Does that make me bi? Well no. I AM ALREADY BISEXUAL. No need to become it or anything. Will I know when I try a few times? No, no, no! It's not about knowing if I'm straight, gay, bi, or anything, it's just about being myself and living free. Free of whatever other people might think of me.
When I look in the streets at other people, I never look at how beautiful or anything they are. In fact, I don't know what beauty is. So in other words everyone is beautiful for me. When I look at people, I find them all interesting. I want to know more about their lives. So I try to guess, I look at how they dress, how they walk, how they look around, how they talk, etc. I find it extremely interesting to get to know people. That way, or in any other way.
But when I'm with a friend and they ask me: "What do you think of that guy or that chick?" FUCK YOU!! I don't care what they look like, and I don't want to judge them on their appearance! That's clearly disgusting and almost sick...
Everyone is different and that's what makes them beautiful. The fat 60 yo man, or the transvestite. The transfigured black lady or the homeless man missing a leg. They're all interesting for me. And sexually is the same. I'd say yes if any of these asked me. (though I am not really looking for sex lately... not have done any since Simon two weeks ago!)
So, back to the problem. I am bi, but I am doubting it. Why? Because one person is completely sure that I am wrong. I could not care about what he says and thinks, but fuck I do... >_< I mean, now every time I look at a woman, I need to ask myself "Do I find her sexy?" I want to believe I am bi. But I rationally know that I shouldn't do that. I should stop listening to the shit people say about me. I should stop worrying about my sexuality and what people think of it. I should just be as free as I want to be.
But Khanh is a good friend and I care about the stuff he says. So it's getting into me... Without my consent. I need to work on that. Because that's how people were able to manipulate me in the past.
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