8/14 Love, Really?

I don't think I've ever been in "love". In fact, I don't believe in love. It's just some kind of stupid idea we decided to create in order to feel better... I've had relationships and tried to give as much affection as possible to the other person, and felt like these people were great persons. Then I did whatever you are supposed to do in a relationship, being romantic and loving and whatever. I definitely wasn't the best at it, but anyway. I didn't really care cuz I would break up a few months later and feel so good about destroying their entire lives! Hehe, I'm a bad person :P

I've had a fucking huge bunch of guys in love with me... I always hate that. "Hello darling, how are you today?" WTF! I've never met you before and you think my name is Johann! So I have to explain to each of these desperate people how things work in a rational way and etc. And then they say "Oh, you are right!" And they keep trying later on, until they get tired of it... and so all this whole process makes me really pisseed off about love in general.

I'm a quite rational person. Which means that I know quickly when something is not making sense, or for example that a relationship is not gonna work out. Still, I've had a few relationship with an idea in mind: nothing is perfect. Before every of my relationships, I've knew that it was not gonna work out, but still I gave it a try, telling myself that it didn't really matter. But I guess it did.

So yeah, I don't believe in love. But you know what? I'm in love. Right now. Fuck I don't understand a thing about this...

I'm not gonna go into details (cuz I'm not a teenage girl anymore! uh, wait, I still am...) but the circumstances in which we met made it possible for me not to think about being in a relationship with that guy. And it took me 6 months to realize he liked me. So for the first six months, I didn't have to think about any love between me and him. Instead, we just spent time together. Good time.

Then out of nowhere I finally noticed he loved me. And with rational thinking I loved him too. And in my brain: "Francis, you have to find something wrong about this guy, you know you can't be in a relationship with him, cuz relationships are stupid." And yet the opposite happens: I get to love him more and more...

urgh... I don't get it...

So I went up with this theory from a friend: Love is just some kind of security. Security that there is someone for you when you need it. Security that you have someone to share your thoughts with. Security that you are not alone in this world. Well, I think it makes a lot of sense. But I don't think I've really needed any security before. Did it change? Do I feel like I need some kind of social security now, and this is why my brain finally wants to be "in love"? I'm not so sure about that. I don't think my independance changed that much in the last few months. And I don't really think I want that kind of "security" from a relationship. Yet, what is great is that this guy doesn't give me any "security". I'm still completely by myself and that's awesome! :)

So what is this feeling I have that people call love? Why do I consider this person as special compared to others? I have no fucking idea. I've had this theory that he reminds me of my family, or that we think in a similar way (and he really is the first!)

Anyway, let's just wait and see... and love :)

Edit: I wrote this with the intention of putting it on my facebook, but I changed my mind, so that's why I didn't name anyone... anyway, who cares, really.