I've been telling myself that I've got lots of friends and a few good friends, and that my social life was extremely enjoyable. Was that I lie to myself? Maybe. Let's figure this out.
My facebook is full of people I don't know. But it's also full of people I know. I'm not sure what is the difference, as I treat them all equally. I think I could put my friends in somewhat 4 different categories:
People I Don't Know: I might have talked to them or not, but I don't really care. I will leave them there and might from time to time like something on their wall. It's cool. I'm interested in them. I'm curious about their lives. I'd probably say yes if they invited me somewhere, because I almost always say yes. So in shot if they want to be closer to me, then I'll give them that chance. If they don't ask for anything, I won't do anything and eventually nothing will ever happen between us.
Forgotten Friends: These friends from high school or just from my hometown. Even if I see them again, I don't know if I want to spend time with them again. I mean, I KNEW them, I don't know them anymore. We've all changed and we are mostly living in different cities, so we all know it's better if we don't talk at all. Which we do.
Friends: Those I keep talking to regularly. Can't say I go out with them that much, though I have not been going out so much lately. These people are mostly people I like to be around, but don't really talk much about me. I tend to hate the way they think (and therefore I suppose I hate them at the same time) so I wonder if I really consider them as friends. And similarly, they probably don't really like me that much because they don't show it.
Good friends: These are the friends I can talk about stuff happening in my life. I used to say everything to everyone, but I think I really changed. I don't tend to talk about my personal life and my thoughts (well, what's here on this blog) to everybody, just to these good friends. And actually I don't really talk to them about these, I just write it on my blog and wait to see if they read it if they want to. I think they are more open-minded than most people, since they don't seem to judge people so easily, or at least me. They read this blog and don't have anything to say (so I suppose they don't think I'm crazy), while if I shared this with my other normal friends, they would try to help me out, tell me that I'm doing things in a wrong way, etc. But I don't really hang out with my good friends. Sometimes, but really not often. Well, most of them are not in Montreal, so maybe that's why...
So what is a friend for me? I don't know. I'd like to say it's someone you hang out with, spend time together, talk about stuff, etc. Well, none of my friends are "friends" then. I definitely feel like I don't have many friends right now (hence this post), but I wonder if I really want to have more, or spend more time with those I already have. I mean, I will say yes if they ask me, but they're not, so I'm staying all alone in front of my computer all day. Well, not that it isn't fun, just that it feels lonely sometimes.
Well I don't have much money right now. Actually, I have $30,000 of debts. Most without interest, but a part with. So I try to spend as less as possible, staying home eating ramen. Yet I know I won't be able to pay back my debts this year, so why should I care? I could just borrow more and more money and be happy, right? I don't know. Will I be happy to hang out with friends I don't really like? Or should I spend money hanging out with my good friends? Well, what for? I don't need to hang out with them. Their "use" is for talking and exchanging ideas, not to have fun. I mean, I already feel good knowing they are there when I need them, so why should I spend money and time to have fun with them?
Anyway, I guess I just don't like people in general. Because they aren't honest to others, and aren't honest to themselves. And the last part is hard, because I can't even do it myself. My blog is proof of that.
I'm gonna start school in two weeks. So I'm gonna spend 20 hours a week with the same bunch of guys (yeah, they're gonna be guys, my program is sexist...) So obviously, they're gonna be my friends and everything. And that's cool. So maybe I will feel less lonely by then.
For now, I like to spend time with Khanh, who I might soon give access to my blog. I miss Christina a lot, when are you coming back!?!?! :D And I suppose I'll see Guillaume once every two months or so. Same thing for Eason (cuz he's gonna be super busy... :/ ) And maybe Adrienne from time to time...
Anyway, this didn't help much :P I might have a lot of friends, I still feel fucking alone! lol
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