So I'm sick since two days, my soft palate is all red and hurting, and my while body suffers from it... So I'm super weak and all the stuff. Obviously this has to do with me being super stressed out lately, so here I'll tell you what's happening, hoping it will help me a little bit :)
So I've got no money but I don't want to work. It seems pretty stupid, right? Well it is stupid, but at the same time that's because I AM stupid. Like I said in my previous post, I don't want to work because I don't want to be ordered to do something to get money in exchange. I want to do what I like to do, and that is making video games. So that's what I want to do this summer. Spend the whole summer making video games. And it's starting pretty well!
Second thing I like to do is having sex. So I did that webcam thing, but it wasn't earning me enough. So I went quickly to plan B. Plan B is about finding a sugar daddy and getting enough money for the summer. Yeah, most people find it disgusting, or at least "immoral" or something, but as you start to understand me, I find it neither good or bad. What I like about it is that I could get enough money to let me do my own projects, which I really am motivated to do. Something else I like about it is that I would have sex and get to know at least someone else. This sounds stupid, but it's true. I like doing these things (having sex and meeting new people) so having a sugar daddy is something I would like to at least try.
So yesterday Paul came to my place and we had sex. He gave me $70, which will be enough to pay my rent for May. Now I need around $450 for next month, which means I need to sleep with around 6 to 9 person next month. That's pretty easy I think, but not really... For example, I wrote to Paul again and he told me that I wasn't really what he looked for. So I need to find someone else. I get some replies, but no one is telling me "Ok, tomorrow at 5pm" or something. I even contacted a guy I had sex with before asking him for money, and now he's asking me how much I excepted to get from doing this. lol FUCK YOU!! If you don't like me asking for money to have sex, well you have a problem. But anyway, you're not the only one with this immense problem.
So I'm stressed out about getting money and I'm sick, which stresses me out too. I mean, I can't work super efficiently on my game, and so it's making me late :S I'm super excited about my game, but then there's still a lot to do, and I wonder if I should announce it as soon as it's finished or if I should wait to have more games. Hmmm... Maybe I will put it online and then ask for fund for my other games, so that people know I am capable of something. Let's say one game a month, which is more than enough. So I could pledge that I will do 3 games in 3 months, and that I need $1500 ($500 a month) to pay for my rent, food, etc.
Anyway, let's see how things go and not worry too much about it. For example, if I am accepted next year for my DESS in video game design, then I will get money from the government. And if I don't get accepted, then I might just go work, or find someone to stay at and keep working and making video games. And I think I have some people who might be able to do that :) So I guess for now I'm just waiting for my answer for my DESS... They said by the end of April, but... oh well, maybe next week!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
4/21 My Life
So, I think I'm getting really low now... What am I doing of my life? I don't know, but it needs to get resolved pretty quickly, since I've sort of became a shakaijin... :/ Yeah, that's because of graduation...
If someone asks me what I want to do in the future, here is what I will answer: I want to create controversial video games that will help understand human thought. Yup, I don't think I will ever be able to find a better goal in my life. Because it is way too general. Yes it is, this can be absolutely anything. And you know what, that's what I want to do, anything.
So, how do you start making anything? Obviously that's a stupid question. Everyone has to start with a specific goal. For example, I would like my first game to be this. And before that, I would like to work for these game companies. And before that, I want to work as a game tester or something. Yeah, it's all about gaining experience to get stronger and finally do that special move.
Oh fuck it.
You know what? Give me money, and I'll make the best video games you've ever seen. Give me just enough money for a living, and I can make the video game of your dreams. Give me a team of developers, and I will make the game that will change humanity. And I swear I will. I've got the best ideas ever, some impossible, but most doable. And no, I don't want my video games to make lots of money and be super rich. But I can't do a video game by myself, and it's hard to find people who are not driven by money. So I need money to pay these people... sucks... So in the end no matter what games I want to make, it needs to have a capitalist goal. I need to want to make games for money.
Just like I need to live for money. I need to make money if I want to survive in this world. I need to do something that people expect me to do so that I get this money. And that sucks. It doesn't motivate me at all. The less money you give me and the more I will get motivated. Cuz if you give me a lot of money, I feel like spending it, I feel like buying stuff, i.e. I feel like not working and just enjoying life.
It might sounds stupid to all of you, but I don't want to work. I don't want to get hired by a company and work for them. I don't want to be given money as a reward of my work. And what kind of work will it be? There won't be any creativity in it, it's always going to be "do this and that".
Anyway, I'm kind of desperate. I would do anything for money. But at the same time I don't want to work to get money. Should I prostitute? well, isn't it what I'm already doing? Except it's not enough money...
I'm getting really low since the beginning of this week. I can't do much, mostly because I'm looking for money. The more my bank account goes down, the more I think about ending my life. I can see how much whatever potential I have, no one can recognize it. And no one cares much actually.
So, here is my goal. In one week, I will make the most awesome 2D video game that has been made in the last decade. It will be free and I will ask for donations. So if people like my game, then they will finance me. And that way, I get to show people that I'm skilled. If I don't succeed (i.e. if I don't have enough money to live through the rest of the summer), I might just end my life as it is. Since I still haven't find a way to coexist in this capitalist world.
If someone asks me what I want to do in the future, here is what I will answer: I want to create controversial video games that will help understand human thought. Yup, I don't think I will ever be able to find a better goal in my life. Because it is way too general. Yes it is, this can be absolutely anything. And you know what, that's what I want to do, anything.
So, how do you start making anything? Obviously that's a stupid question. Everyone has to start with a specific goal. For example, I would like my first game to be this. And before that, I would like to work for these game companies. And before that, I want to work as a game tester or something. Yeah, it's all about gaining experience to get stronger and finally do that special move.
Oh fuck it.
You know what? Give me money, and I'll make the best video games you've ever seen. Give me just enough money for a living, and I can make the video game of your dreams. Give me a team of developers, and I will make the game that will change humanity. And I swear I will. I've got the best ideas ever, some impossible, but most doable. And no, I don't want my video games to make lots of money and be super rich. But I can't do a video game by myself, and it's hard to find people who are not driven by money. So I need money to pay these people... sucks... So in the end no matter what games I want to make, it needs to have a capitalist goal. I need to want to make games for money.
Just like I need to live for money. I need to make money if I want to survive in this world. I need to do something that people expect me to do so that I get this money. And that sucks. It doesn't motivate me at all. The less money you give me and the more I will get motivated. Cuz if you give me a lot of money, I feel like spending it, I feel like buying stuff, i.e. I feel like not working and just enjoying life.
It might sounds stupid to all of you, but I don't want to work. I don't want to get hired by a company and work for them. I don't want to be given money as a reward of my work. And what kind of work will it be? There won't be any creativity in it, it's always going to be "do this and that".
Anyway, I'm kind of desperate. I would do anything for money. But at the same time I don't want to work to get money. Should I prostitute? well, isn't it what I'm already doing? Except it's not enough money...
I'm getting really low since the beginning of this week. I can't do much, mostly because I'm looking for money. The more my bank account goes down, the more I think about ending my life. I can see how much whatever potential I have, no one can recognize it. And no one cares much actually.
So, here is my goal. In one week, I will make the most awesome 2D video game that has been made in the last decade. It will be free and I will ask for donations. So if people like my game, then they will finance me. And that way, I get to show people that I'm skilled. If I don't succeed (i.e. if I don't have enough money to live through the rest of the summer), I might just end my life as it is. Since I still haven't find a way to coexist in this capitalist world.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
4/20 New Job
So, I started this new job. It's a "webcam model", but just to clarify things, it's a porn webcam model. So what I do is stand up in front of my webcam, try to look sexually attractive, talk to people and ask them to pay to look at me in private sessions.
I can't say it is a hard job. I mean, all I do is sit there and talk to people, while stroking my dick and sometimes cumming with others (but this is rare, as they cum first, and then stop the conversation). But what is hard is to get them in private, so that I make money. They don't, and it sucks to see them leaving whenever I subtly ask them. Maybe they will come back and pay, I can't say for sure since it's only been my third day. I've got some regulars, but they were those who just talk and don't go in private, so...
In total I've made $40. I made $15 bucks in half an hour on my first day, but I also spent three hours with nothing happening. In total, I did 15 hours, so it is in average 6% of my time in private. 6% means that if I'm paid $0.60/min, it's 0.60*60*0.06 = 2.16$/hr.
My goal working there was to get enough money for my summer, plus some money during the school term, as I don't have much time to work outside of school and I don't want to do a stupid job. So I was planning to get 500$/month, maybe more. But let's say 500. That would make 230 hrs/month. And that's almost 60 hrs a week. Way too lot... :S According to this, I should work 8 hours a day to get to my goal. Maybe I should actually work that much, or at least more than now. I think I should get more regulars with time, and these will spend more money on me. But until then, I find it really hard to get money... :S
Anyway, I'll keep working hard and see how it goes! Maybe it will get better with time :)
I can't say it is a hard job. I mean, all I do is sit there and talk to people, while stroking my dick and sometimes cumming with others (but this is rare, as they cum first, and then stop the conversation). But what is hard is to get them in private, so that I make money. They don't, and it sucks to see them leaving whenever I subtly ask them. Maybe they will come back and pay, I can't say for sure since it's only been my third day. I've got some regulars, but they were those who just talk and don't go in private, so...
In total I've made $40. I made $15 bucks in half an hour on my first day, but I also spent three hours with nothing happening. In total, I did 15 hours, so it is in average 6% of my time in private. 6% means that if I'm paid $0.60/min, it's 0.60*60*0.06 = 2.16$/hr.
My goal working there was to get enough money for my summer, plus some money during the school term, as I don't have much time to work outside of school and I don't want to do a stupid job. So I was planning to get 500$/month, maybe more. But let's say 500. That would make 230 hrs/month. And that's almost 60 hrs a week. Way too lot... :S According to this, I should work 8 hours a day to get to my goal. Maybe I should actually work that much, or at least more than now. I think I should get more regulars with time, and these will spend more money on me. But until then, I find it really hard to get money... :S
Anyway, I'll keep working hard and see how it goes! Maybe it will get better with time :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
4/12 Reminder
Just to remind me I have to post about these on my blog, when the exams are over:
1) My new job
2) Phases of my life
3) Anti-capitalism of Wikipedia and its capitalist protesters
4) Sumi's retirement party
5) Demonstration and YouTube Channel
6) My future?
7) Change the blog headline! lol
Now back to studying! :) Take care!
1) My new job
2) Phases of my life
3) Anti-capitalism of Wikipedia and its capitalist protesters
4) Sumi's retirement party
5) Demonstration and YouTube Channel
6) My future?
7) Change the blog headline! lol
Now back to studying! :) Take care!
Monday, April 11, 2011
4/11 Adrienne, My Mom
A whole lot of stuff has happened in the past weeks and days, and I will come to it in hopefully no time, but today something really special happened, that made me think a lot.
We were protesting for the No Nuke event, and went afterwards to a Chinese restaurant. It was obviously my first time eating with Adrienne, but that wasn't so much special. I've always loved Adrienne, because of her teaching methods (or anti-teaching maybe?), her abundant love for everyone, and maybe specially for her strong critique of rules, governments, preconceptions, etc. Well, that's probably a bit close to nihilism. But that isn't my point.
After eating, she said: "My_name, if I had a son, I would like him to be you." It really surprised me, and I said I was flattered, as it was everyone else's opinion at that moment. I guess she meant it as much as she would want everyone to be her children, but it doesn't happen every day that someone tells you they would want you as their kid. She's the first person to tell me that.
Then I realized that I really love Adrienne. I've been in love with Hasegawa-sensei too, but it doesn't change the feelings I've had for Adrienne. And what are those feelings? Well, I guess the feelings of love for a mother. Because yes, if I had a mother, I would like her to be Adrienne.
What am I saying? I have a mother already. And she is irreplaceable in that function. My mother is the person who I am born from, who raised me when I was a kid, who made me who I am. And therefore I should love her for what she did. But I don't. I can't say I hate my mom, but I just don't love her. She isn't someone special for me, and I think I've always been trying to find her a replacement. There was a mom I met on Internet when I was around 11-12 years old, Margot, and then when I was in High School, my mathematic professor was my mother's figure. And then I didn't have a mother for some years.
I do talk to my mom on the phone from time to time, but I don't have any close relationship to her. In fact, I don't like talking to her. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am still a stupid person and whatever. But the main reason is surely because she believes in so many things, and I have problems standing people who have too many beliefs. During all of my childhood, I saw my mom as a believer of some stupid ideas, which science (let's say my dad's side), would prove stupid. And then whenever I tried to talk about it to her, about her beliefs and the inconsistencies of it, she wouldn't listen to me and would believe that beliefs are right. And it is probably why I'm so much opposed to beliefs. Because I've seen what it does to my mom and how it made me lose her. Because her beliefs were inconsistent with my non-beliefs, and we were not able to get along in that relationship. And I've been detached from my mom since a long time.
I've talked in my blog previously about my search for family love, which might have caused my independence to sex or whatever. Maybe I am looking for mother's love. It is true I do not have a mother's love. But do I want one? One can live without that (this is a fact, don't contradict this). And I don't feel like I need a mother. I can live pretty well by myself. And it just makes me a stronger person to be independent.
But now I understand that the love I have for Adrienne is the love I would have for my mother. She is the mother I'd like to have. And actually, since she treats her students like her kids, she is my mother. It is probably all a question of how much I want her to be my mother. Well, I don't want anything from her. I want to give her. I want to help her, since she helps people around her, which is something I cannot do. She gives so much love to everyone, much more than I could ever do, and so I want to give her that back. At least some love. But I don't want anything in return, and it is hard to accomplish since she gives so much. But i try to be as independent as possible, to give her as much time as she needs for her own life, and still help her out one way or another. And I'm just doing that because I love her. It's a weird feeling I still don't understand :)
When she returned home, she sent me an email with subject: "to the long-armed son of my dreams". "long-armed" being a joke that we did during the lunch (because I have long arms... lol) Her email goes that way:
Hey My_name,
I was thinking, since I credited you fully for the radio documentary (first and last name), if I put the video up and simply write "by My_name," people will probably still guess it's you since your full name is on the blog in other places. Do you want a "code name" or an alias instead? I'll use whatever you like.
This is the question on my mind before I take my nap now. :)
See you soon again, I hope,
adrienne
Isn't it the sweetest thing in the world? She came back home and the first thing she thought of was asking me if she had to write my full name or just my first name. It's like the stupidest thing ever, but yet she thought of asking me that. Doesn't it show how much she cares about people around her? :)
So I could probably say that Adrienne is my mom. But I'm not her only son. I'm probably one of her only son who only has her as a mother, but still it doesn't change much. She is awesome and I love her. That's it. I don't care if she loves me or not, all I want is to see her happy. And I don't think I ever felt that much love for someone. Yet it is love I cannot show her since I do not want to change her life, I want her to continue the exact same way as she is, and since I don't need her love (I'm a strong person), I wish she could give more to other people who need it. Or maybe I need her love sometimes, just like today what she did made me the most happy person in the world.
Thank you Adrienne.
Edit (7/11/11): I see this (the end of the school year, my speech on world peace and getting closer to Adrienne) as the beginning of a new phase in my life.
We were protesting for the No Nuke event, and went afterwards to a Chinese restaurant. It was obviously my first time eating with Adrienne, but that wasn't so much special. I've always loved Adrienne, because of her teaching methods (or anti-teaching maybe?), her abundant love for everyone, and maybe specially for her strong critique of rules, governments, preconceptions, etc. Well, that's probably a bit close to nihilism. But that isn't my point.
After eating, she said: "My_name, if I had a son, I would like him to be you." It really surprised me, and I said I was flattered, as it was everyone else's opinion at that moment. I guess she meant it as much as she would want everyone to be her children, but it doesn't happen every day that someone tells you they would want you as their kid. She's the first person to tell me that.
Then I realized that I really love Adrienne. I've been in love with Hasegawa-sensei too, but it doesn't change the feelings I've had for Adrienne. And what are those feelings? Well, I guess the feelings of love for a mother. Because yes, if I had a mother, I would like her to be Adrienne.
What am I saying? I have a mother already. And she is irreplaceable in that function. My mother is the person who I am born from, who raised me when I was a kid, who made me who I am. And therefore I should love her for what she did. But I don't. I can't say I hate my mom, but I just don't love her. She isn't someone special for me, and I think I've always been trying to find her a replacement. There was a mom I met on Internet when I was around 11-12 years old, Margot, and then when I was in High School, my mathematic professor was my mother's figure. And then I didn't have a mother for some years.
I do talk to my mom on the phone from time to time, but I don't have any close relationship to her. In fact, I don't like talking to her. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am still a stupid person and whatever. But the main reason is surely because she believes in so many things, and I have problems standing people who have too many beliefs. During all of my childhood, I saw my mom as a believer of some stupid ideas, which science (let's say my dad's side), would prove stupid. And then whenever I tried to talk about it to her, about her beliefs and the inconsistencies of it, she wouldn't listen to me and would believe that beliefs are right. And it is probably why I'm so much opposed to beliefs. Because I've seen what it does to my mom and how it made me lose her. Because her beliefs were inconsistent with my non-beliefs, and we were not able to get along in that relationship. And I've been detached from my mom since a long time.
I've talked in my blog previously about my search for family love, which might have caused my independence to sex or whatever. Maybe I am looking for mother's love. It is true I do not have a mother's love. But do I want one? One can live without that (this is a fact, don't contradict this). And I don't feel like I need a mother. I can live pretty well by myself. And it just makes me a stronger person to be independent.
But now I understand that the love I have for Adrienne is the love I would have for my mother. She is the mother I'd like to have. And actually, since she treats her students like her kids, she is my mother. It is probably all a question of how much I want her to be my mother. Well, I don't want anything from her. I want to give her. I want to help her, since she helps people around her, which is something I cannot do. She gives so much love to everyone, much more than I could ever do, and so I want to give her that back. At least some love. But I don't want anything in return, and it is hard to accomplish since she gives so much. But i try to be as independent as possible, to give her as much time as she needs for her own life, and still help her out one way or another. And I'm just doing that because I love her. It's a weird feeling I still don't understand :)
When she returned home, she sent me an email with subject: "to the long-armed son of my dreams". "long-armed" being a joke that we did during the lunch (because I have long arms... lol) Her email goes that way:
Hey My_name,
I was thinking, since I credited you fully for the radio documentary (first and last name), if I put the video up and simply write "by My_name," people will probably still guess it's you since your full name is on the blog in other places. Do you want a "code name" or an alias instead? I'll use whatever you like.
This is the question on my mind before I take my nap now. :)
See you soon again, I hope,
adrienne
Isn't it the sweetest thing in the world? She came back home and the first thing she thought of was asking me if she had to write my full name or just my first name. It's like the stupidest thing ever, but yet she thought of asking me that. Doesn't it show how much she cares about people around her? :)
So I could probably say that Adrienne is my mom. But I'm not her only son. I'm probably one of her only son who only has her as a mother, but still it doesn't change much. She is awesome and I love her. That's it. I don't care if she loves me or not, all I want is to see her happy. And I don't think I ever felt that much love for someone. Yet it is love I cannot show her since I do not want to change her life, I want her to continue the exact same way as she is, and since I don't need her love (I'm a strong person), I wish she could give more to other people who need it. Or maybe I need her love sometimes, just like today what she did made me the most happy person in the world.
Thank you Adrienne.
Edit (7/11/11): I see this (the end of the school year, my speech on world peace and getting closer to Adrienne) as the beginning of a new phase in my life.
Friday, April 1, 2011
4/1 New Facebook Profile
My facebook started to look super messy. I get people asking me "who are you?" all the time and... well, it's my fault in the end... anyway, I also started to feel like I couldn't post anything on my facebook anymore (like for example all the stuff I wrote on this blog) because I would always end up criticizing one of my friend...
Anyway, I decided to create a new profile with only exclusive friends, those who I believe would be able to read my blog without saying "oh Francis, I don't understand you, but I think you have a problem". And this actually means "people who accept me as I am". Because yeah, I haven't found that many people like this in my life. And while some might have said so, they fucking don't. I don't think there are many people who are really open-minded, but I'll try with these one who I believe are, and have this new profile in which I can say exactly what I think without censorship. Let's see how it goes! :)
But yeah, if you're new to my existential crisis, here it goes: I am nihilist therefore I am not, and I believe beliefs are wrong. This in mind, a lot has happened in my life lately, so much that I am having difficulties with people around me. What enrages me is not their thoughts, but their incapacity to be rational in every situation. And yes, I am talking as if I knew everything about life and therefore my thoughts are wrong. But I will try to think it over in a rational way and never believe in one side or the other but always consider that nothing is good or bad. Because being nihilist is neither good or wrong, it is just a fact, and should remain that way.
And thank you for your rational comments and helpful discussions! :)
P.S.: I am not crazy, I am smart, even if it might be hard to believe...
Anyway, I decided to create a new profile with only exclusive friends, those who I believe would be able to read my blog without saying "oh Francis, I don't understand you, but I think you have a problem". And this actually means "people who accept me as I am". Because yeah, I haven't found that many people like this in my life. And while some might have said so, they fucking don't. I don't think there are many people who are really open-minded, but I'll try with these one who I believe are, and have this new profile in which I can say exactly what I think without censorship. Let's see how it goes! :)
But yeah, if you're new to my existential crisis, here it goes: I am nihilist therefore I am not, and I believe beliefs are wrong. This in mind, a lot has happened in my life lately, so much that I am having difficulties with people around me. What enrages me is not their thoughts, but their incapacity to be rational in every situation. And yes, I am talking as if I knew everything about life and therefore my thoughts are wrong. But I will try to think it over in a rational way and never believe in one side or the other but always consider that nothing is good or bad. Because being nihilist is neither good or wrong, it is just a fact, and should remain that way.
And thank you for your rational comments and helpful discussions! :)
P.S.: I am not crazy, I am smart, even if it might be hard to believe...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)