A whole lot of stuff has happened in the past weeks and days, and I will come to it in hopefully no time, but today something really special happened, that made me think a lot.
We were protesting for the No Nuke event, and went afterwards to a Chinese restaurant. It was obviously my first time eating with Adrienne, but that wasn't so much special. I've always loved Adrienne, because of her teaching methods (or anti-teaching maybe?), her abundant love for everyone, and maybe specially for her strong critique of rules, governments, preconceptions, etc. Well, that's probably a bit close to nihilism. But that isn't my point.
After eating, she said: "My_name, if I had a son, I would like him to be you." It really surprised me, and I said I was flattered, as it was everyone else's opinion at that moment. I guess she meant it as much as she would want everyone to be her children, but it doesn't happen every day that someone tells you they would want you as their kid. She's the first person to tell me that.
Then I realized that I really love Adrienne. I've been in love with Hasegawa-sensei too, but it doesn't change the feelings I've had for Adrienne. And what are those feelings? Well, I guess the feelings of love for a mother. Because yes, if I had a mother, I would like her to be Adrienne.
What am I saying? I have a mother already. And she is irreplaceable in that function. My mother is the person who I am born from, who raised me when I was a kid, who made me who I am. And therefore I should love her for what she did. But I don't. I can't say I hate my mom, but I just don't love her. She isn't someone special for me, and I think I've always been trying to find her a replacement. There was a mom I met on Internet when I was around 11-12 years old, Margot, and then when I was in High School, my mathematic professor was my mother's figure. And then I didn't have a mother for some years.
I do talk to my mom on the phone from time to time, but I don't have any close relationship to her. In fact, I don't like talking to her. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am still a stupid person and whatever. But the main reason is surely because she believes in so many things, and I have problems standing people who have too many beliefs. During all of my childhood, I saw my mom as a believer of some stupid ideas, which science (let's say my dad's side), would prove stupid. And then whenever I tried to talk about it to her, about her beliefs and the inconsistencies of it, she wouldn't listen to me and would believe that beliefs are right. And it is probably why I'm so much opposed to beliefs. Because I've seen what it does to my mom and how it made me lose her. Because her beliefs were inconsistent with my non-beliefs, and we were not able to get along in that relationship. And I've been detached from my mom since a long time.
I've talked in my blog previously about my search for family love, which might have caused my independence to sex or whatever. Maybe I am looking for mother's love. It is true I do not have a mother's love. But do I want one? One can live without that (this is a fact, don't contradict this). And I don't feel like I need a mother. I can live pretty well by myself. And it just makes me a stronger person to be independent.
But now I understand that the love I have for Adrienne is the love I would have for my mother. She is the mother I'd like to have. And actually, since she treats her students like her kids, she is my mother. It is probably all a question of how much I want her to be my mother. Well, I don't want anything from her. I want to give her. I want to help her, since she helps people around her, which is something I cannot do. She gives so much love to everyone, much more than I could ever do, and so I want to give her that back. At least some love. But I don't want anything in return, and it is hard to accomplish since she gives so much. But i try to be as independent as possible, to give her as much time as she needs for her own life, and still help her out one way or another. And I'm just doing that because I love her. It's a weird feeling I still don't understand :)
When she returned home, she sent me an email with subject: "to the long-armed son of my dreams". "long-armed" being a joke that we did during the lunch (because I have long arms... lol) Her email goes that way:
Hey My_name,
I was thinking, since I credited you fully for the radio documentary (first and last name), if I put the video up and simply write "by My_name," people will probably still guess it's you since your full name is on the blog in other places. Do you want a "code name" or an alias instead? I'll use whatever you like.
This is the question on my mind before I take my nap now. :)
See you soon again, I hope,
adrienne
Isn't it the sweetest thing in the world? She came back home and the first thing she thought of was asking me if she had to write my full name or just my first name. It's like the stupidest thing ever, but yet she thought of asking me that. Doesn't it show how much she cares about people around her? :)
So I could probably say that Adrienne is my mom. But I'm not her only son. I'm probably one of her only son who only has her as a mother, but still it doesn't change much. She is awesome and I love her. That's it. I don't care if she loves me or not, all I want is to see her happy. And I don't think I ever felt that much love for someone. Yet it is love I cannot show her since I do not want to change her life, I want her to continue the exact same way as she is, and since I don't need her love (I'm a strong person), I wish she could give more to other people who need it. Or maybe I need her love sometimes, just like today what she did made me the most happy person in the world.
Thank you Adrienne.
Edit (7/11/11): I see this (the end of the school year, my speech on world peace and getting closer to Adrienne) as the beginning of a new phase in my life.
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