So, I think I'm getting really low now... What am I doing of my life? I don't know, but it needs to get resolved pretty quickly, since I've sort of became a shakaijin... :/ Yeah, that's because of graduation...
If someone asks me what I want to do in the future, here is what I will answer: I want to create controversial video games that will help understand human thought. Yup, I don't think I will ever be able to find a better goal in my life. Because it is way too general. Yes it is, this can be absolutely anything. And you know what, that's what I want to do, anything.
So, how do you start making anything? Obviously that's a stupid question. Everyone has to start with a specific goal. For example, I would like my first game to be this. And before that, I would like to work for these game companies. And before that, I want to work as a game tester or something. Yeah, it's all about gaining experience to get stronger and finally do that special move.
Oh fuck it.
You know what? Give me money, and I'll make the best video games you've ever seen. Give me just enough money for a living, and I can make the video game of your dreams. Give me a team of developers, and I will make the game that will change humanity. And I swear I will. I've got the best ideas ever, some impossible, but most doable. And no, I don't want my video games to make lots of money and be super rich. But I can't do a video game by myself, and it's hard to find people who are not driven by money. So I need money to pay these people... sucks... So in the end no matter what games I want to make, it needs to have a capitalist goal. I need to want to make games for money.
Just like I need to live for money. I need to make money if I want to survive in this world. I need to do something that people expect me to do so that I get this money. And that sucks. It doesn't motivate me at all. The less money you give me and the more I will get motivated. Cuz if you give me a lot of money, I feel like spending it, I feel like buying stuff, i.e. I feel like not working and just enjoying life.
It might sounds stupid to all of you, but I don't want to work. I don't want to get hired by a company and work for them. I don't want to be given money as a reward of my work. And what kind of work will it be? There won't be any creativity in it, it's always going to be "do this and that".
Anyway, I'm kind of desperate. I would do anything for money. But at the same time I don't want to work to get money. Should I prostitute? well, isn't it what I'm already doing? Except it's not enough money...
I'm getting really low since the beginning of this week. I can't do much, mostly because I'm looking for money. The more my bank account goes down, the more I think about ending my life. I can see how much whatever potential I have, no one can recognize it. And no one cares much actually.
So, here is my goal. In one week, I will make the most awesome 2D video game that has been made in the last decade. It will be free and I will ask for donations. So if people like my game, then they will finance me. And that way, I get to show people that I'm skilled. If I don't succeed (i.e. if I don't have enough money to live through the rest of the summer), I might just end my life as it is. Since I still haven't find a way to coexist in this capitalist world.
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