12/29 All Alone

Ugh, I know it sounds pathetic, but anyway, most of the stuff here is all like this lol

I really miss Rodrigo. Just on the radio they asked "If you could kiss anyone in the world on New Year's Eve, who would it be?" Lol Who do you think I would like to kiss?

And then I remembered the time we watched a movie together. I'd like to think all he wanted from me was sex, but hey... it's clearly illogical. So I guess he was looking for sex and time with someone else.

Well, here's the thing: I'm all alone. Just like I've always been.

:'(

12/27 Inconsistency

From all the shit that's been happening in my life lately, I am made to use my trump card: inconsistency. Beware of angry Francis, and don't be sad if I hurt you. You deserved it.

12/26 WTF!?

So I went to see my family (well only my dad and siblings) and I wasn't so much sick, and since I had a pump for asthma, I got back pretty well :)

So I came back yesterday, felt really lonely for Christmas, so I decided I should hookup, ended up really far from town to a guy's place. The guy was really... well, he was "dumb", though I don;t mean it in a bad way or anything. He didn't talk much an had a poker face, but he liked a lot lol we slept together, and that's pretty much it. He made a really good peanut butter sandwich for breakfast lol He was really a cool guy, the kind of people there was in my high school classes, so it was cool. I ended up back to my place pretty tired from lack of sleep, and tried to sleep but couldn't since the neighbors had kids and were making so much noise lol

Tonight I was supposed to hookup with a black muscled guy who's a drug addict, so I thought I could try at the same time, but he didn't answer me yet, so I'm guessing I'll stay here tonight (and I'm pretty tired...)

Anyway, then I went on manhunt and guess who looked at my profile? Yeah, that fucking bastard... e hasn't answered my latest texts, he just doesn't care about me at all, but he looks at my profile. No, I don't think that's the worst part, the fact that he is online on that website means a lot... probably looking for another boy who is just gonna be a fuckfriend and won't start loving him... or maybe he will and he'll be a hypocrite like he was with me... oh shit I really hate him now... yet I'm still sad and clearly not over this.

I swore to myself I wouldn't fall in love with anyone starting from now, so at least I learned something from the bitch.

12/23 So Tired

Well, first, I really have to give up on Rodrigo. He doesn't answer me, and it's just because he doesn't have guts to tell me what he really thinks of me. Anyway, I'll just leave him alone, and stop trying.

I'm gonna go see Khanh in an hour or so, it kinda stresses me out a little bit, but it should be fine. We're gonna go to a Japanese non-sushi restaurant, so it should be good! I'll bring him some cookies I made :)

Yifan kept texting me the other night, before he left for China for two weeks. Well, everyone is leaving in the next few days, so I'm gonna be all alone lol But anyway, I don't really like him, but I still liked having sex, so that's what I miss from him, nothing else...

Tomorrow I'm going to my hometown to see my family (I probably won't see my mom, but anyway...) so I need to wake up pretty early (7am). Then I'll be sick, won't be able to breath normally, I'll go sleep at my older brother's place, and back in the morning to my dad's place and then leaving at noon back here!

Kinda weird, for some reasons I want to see my family but for others I don't want to. I don't want to go there and be sick, but I don't have a choice :( anyway...

Then with school... ugh... I got put into possibly the worst team ever... So I'm gonna have to do a game next semester with people who are really really dumb (well, all except one...) Not sure I really want to. If all this gives is a game for my portfolio... well, I can do something much better without 4 other names on it... so yeah, I'm thinking about making my own portfolio during the break, and then look intensively for a job, and stop school when I get one.

So yeah, I'm really really tired since yesterday, I still can't pee properly (it hurts so much... :S ) and everything seems to be going so bad... seriously I just want to cry right now... I'm so tired of my life...

12/20 French

I'm correcting the parts of my teammates... they wrote in French, but it's plainly disgusting... I mean, if that's the kind of papers they hand in, no wonder why I get so many good grades... What they write is not even logical, it's just a shitty argumentation from high school... ugh... and obviously I am supposed to put all this mess together and make it sound better? lol

12/19 Wait For Life to Make Me

So I guess in the end I didn't lose Khanh... that's great! lol But I'm not really in the mood for celebration. I think it showed us how we don't get along well sometimes... not sure what it might mean, but anyway... let's just keep living and see what happens.

I wish the same would happen for Rodrigo... like he texts me and asks if I want to come over... lol not sure this will happen... he is super busy until the 25th, so... maybe afterwards, but I kinda doubt it :( anyway, until then I don't think I should do much... just wait.

There are some who jump into life to get what they want... but I suppose all I can do now is wait for life to make me... kinda sad :(

And I was listening to Hung Up by Madonna... lol the lyrics are just about my life :)

12/19 Good Luck!

Khanh invited me for dinner this week, before I leave and before he does. He seemed okay, but not necessarily so much enthusiastic. Anyway, that's it. I'm off to write these papers. I finished writing my parts in one (but didn't review it), and I have around 3 pages (out of 10) of the other... At the speed I'm going, it seems like I won't finish in time lol

Good luck to myself!

12/18 Hate School

I'm never gonna make it... I have so much left to do and only two-three days left... I don't even have inspiration anymore to write anything... Ugh... The school system really is stupid... I hate it.

And obviously Rodrigo doesn't answer, Khanh doesn't say anything... seriously, when school is finished, I don't think I'll have much motivation for anything... I feel like I'm just a plastic bag drifting through the wind (lol Katy Perry). I just do what I'm supposed to do, but don't find any interest in it...

shitty life...

12/18 My Body is in Pain

Rodrigo said the typical "I'm really good, and you?"... well yeah, I answered, I asked him "you're working tomorrow?" since he usually doesn't work on mondays and wrote on his facebook he do... anyways...

My skin really is itchy... yesterday was on my legs, now it's on my legs and chest... :/ but my ass and my penis are really hurting lots... I can't pee without feeling pain... this morning I woke up to pee and I just couldn't. I couldn't relax my muscles to let it flow... kinda scary. i waited and it worked a few minutes later. but i had difficulty another time today... yeah, i need sleep...

i have school until wednesday... @_@ that's way too much... ive started a paper (only 10 pages) that is due for tuesday, i have no idea if i will make it, but don't have any other choice... lol

12/18 Just Can't Stop

So I finally sent Rodrigo a text (a simple one, just how are you). Obviously since he didn't answer my text from Thursday, I doubt he will answer this one either... And it's not like I didn't get what he meant by his polite "screw off"... Now I'm just being the annoying guy who can't accept that he isn't loved...

Ugh...

12/17 One Year - Sex, Friends, Love

So my blog celebrates its first year of existence. I will not do a really long retrospective right now, I will probably do it another time (when school is over). But I wanted to talk about the 3 main topics of this blog, which is also the title of my first post: Sex, Friends, Love.

Those are three things I have completely lost through the year...

I've had a lot of sex. I've had sex all the time. I've got tons of people asking me for sex, I've been a prostitute, I've been a cam model, I hooked up with random people in clubs, on Internet, I've had sex with my friends, I've had sex with my exes, I've watched any form of porn (from animal to children), etc. And where did it bring me? I'm tired of sex. Yeah, I can't even masturbate, my ass hurts like hell, I don't want to meet random people who I don't like or who don't like me, and I don't get enough money to help me with life. So, in the last few months I've lost my appetite for sex. I am not looking for sex anymore. I'd like to have sex with only one person, and not all the time, just a few times, if that person needs it (because I don't).

I've lost many many friends during the year. I didn't try to make so many though. Nor did I try to keep them working. In fact, I didn't do much since this summer. I've left my friends behind and they did the same. I've lost countless of them, and I think it's forever. But instead I made this really great friend, Khanh. I've never liked someone like that before. He was great, even if we didn't always get along well. But we did have a lot of fun and I learned a great deal from him. He was helping me when I most needed it. I'm using past tense here, because it's all past. I've lost him too. I think I can count three friends that still care a little bit about me: Guillaume, Marie-France and Ariane. That's it. I've lost everyone else...

And love... I've tried so many times this year to have someone who would love me. I've loved countless times. I tried so hard for getting where I am now: nothing. No one loves me. Just a few days ago I was sure Rodrigo was gonna be different, but no, he is no different. He doesn't love me and I've been blinded by his lies. Hence, no love for me. Never.

But there is something I can learn from losing all of these. Maybe I'm trying something that is impossible? Maybe it is impossible for someone like me (hence a nihilist/anarchist/inconsistent/crazy person) to actually have sex, friends or love. (well I could have sex, but I mean "to like having sex") I know, it sounds illogical, and it is. But what I mean by that is that maybe I spent so much time trying to get these three, while I clearly am bad to handle them. So why losing so much time on this? Why did I spend a whole year only to fail? Can't I just try to do something else which would give me something?

I don't know what this might be. I don't know what I'm looking for in my future. But at least I know what I don't want to spend energy on anymore: Sex, Friends, Love.

12/17 Dad

I'm gonna be the greatest dad ever. I'm gonna bring joy in every life that is sad in this world. I will protect humanity against every sin. That is all I will do.

12/17 Ugh

Ugh... I just woke up and already depressed... And then I called my mom, she's moving with her boyfriend and so I can't stay at her place for Christmas, and so my only place is my older brother, which I need to call...

Ugh... I'm really wondering if I should go to my hometown for Christmas or not. Sometimes I feel it would be so much better to just stay here and try to relax... alone.

Anyway...

12/16 Nobody Likes Me

Urgh... This is probably one of the worst time of my life... and I mean it seriously.

First, Khanh is really mad at me, he told me to "fuck off" this morning, which meant "stop talking to me I don't care about you anymore". Hence, our friendship has never been worst, not even when he told me to go away from his place last summer. I actually have no idea at all where it's gonna get. It's either that I've just lost my best friend, or that he's gonna apologize in a few days. And it might take more than just a few days.

He's probably waiting for me to apologize, but I think he's been pretty harsh, much more than me. The only reason he was mad at me was because I "lied" about Rodrigo being in love with me, and the next day I said he wasn't. The confusion here is that even if I never said he was in love with me, I did say he had feelings for me, more than just those of a friend, but Khanh thought I said he was in love for me. Same thing with me being in love with him. In some ways, Khanh thought we were kind of in a relationship but we were not, we were merely seeing each other and STARTING something more, which he didn't get. Then, two days ago when I talked with Rodrigo I realized that he didn't have as many feelings as I thought he had for me, which I told Khanh, and that's when he exploded, because it was "illogical with what I said before"...

It's not the first time Khanh gets upset about a problem of communication between the two of us. He really expects me to be perfect, to always say things that are completely 100% accurate, and tries to find out any illogical word that comes out of my mouth. As much as I think it's okay, it's not that he gets angry about it. You shouldn't be angry when someone behaves differently than you. It's not like the world should behave the way he wants...

So this morning after he told me that he didn't care [about me], I said that he should stop playing video games and focus on his life if he wants to be less stressed out. He then said to "fuck off" and not dare giving him advice about his life... yeah, right. As if friends couldn't give advice anymore just because you're stubborn about how perfect you are and can't accept that the world doesn't work like you think it does...

Anyway, I'm gonna wait for him to say something if he wants to still be my friend, but I won't go apologize first or anything. I'll wait until he comes back from his vacation to contact him again. Because seriously, he needs vacations, he needs to take out some stress, because it's making him a really violent person...

So, about Rodrigo... well, we talked a lot about stuff. In some ways he seemed happy to see me, but I finally understood that it's kind of a lie. I mean, it's just like me when I get to sleep with a guy. I make it sound like I'm really having fun and everything, but in fact I'm never in love or anything. I just like to be with people. Same for him. He likes to take care of me, spend nice time with me, but then, he's not gonna fall in love or anything.

I made him say that we can still see each other, but he really wanted to stop it. He said it was "for me", since he is really (really, really, really -> note here the exaggeration that implies something he doesn't want to say) busy and will "always be busy like that". Anyway, he was politely telling me to stop it, but I didn't give up, and he didn't know what to say (he probably thought "I don't like you and don't want to spend time with you anymore").

Then he made me come closer to him, it was nice like usual... Then he asked me if I wanted to stay, and I didn't really want to stay because I wasn't prepared for this and I knew he wanted to sleep early and everything. So he was gonna go take a shower, but he came back and asked me if it was okay if I leave... Hence here you can see the "no, I really don't want to spend time with this guy anymore tonight, it's gonna be too hard to lie to him that I love him and it'd be much better if he just left..."

And so I left.

Next morning I asked him how was his yoga class. No answer since then.

Last night he posted on facebook "jai vraiment une belle vie :)))))" which wouldn't make sense if he really hated me and wanted me gone...

Anyway, it's really fucking confusing, I'll just keep it like this and wait to see what happens.

So, in short, I've lost the two people I loved the most. Will I ever get them back? Are some others gonna replace them? I have no idea at all and I don't want to think about it. But it's sad that I'm back to phase 1. Hence, I'm all alone. Nobody likes me.

12/15

So Khanh is mad at me because I "keep lying"... I don't want to get into drama, but every time I say something he tries to see if I lie or not and as soon as he sees a lie he gets super mad at me... he never tries to understand or believe me, he just jumps to conclusion. Tonight when he said I was lying I told him to calm down. Seriously, he's way too stressed out and it affects him a lot... :( I think he's stressed about not having a job and no money, which anyone would stress for, but he keeps playing Diablo. I mean, it's a good stress reliever, but if he keeps playing it's really not gonna help him get rid of his stress... And I don't really know what to do, but I'll tell him next time I see him that he has to stop playing...

So, I went to Khanh's place last night. I was still really depressed and sad, and I wanted some help from him, but instead he started getting mad at me, saying that I'm a coward and that I never do anything for the people I "love", that he doesn't know how I'm treating him (like who I think he is, since he still thinks that there could be love between us), and that my birthday letter I gave him was all lies, only one side of the story and that I haven't changed at all...

So he shouted that I should just go and see Rodrigo, and that's what I did, I left him after hugging him and after he mumbled something.

I really hate when people get angry. I know they get their stress out, but I'm always scared. I mean, what is my way to get stress out? Have sex? Masturbate? Think? Write on this blog? Why don't I ever get angry when I'm stressed out and others do? :/

So I went at Rodrigo's place. I was kinda stressed out, since I didn't know if he was gonna be there (it was 9:30), if his roommate would be, so what I should say on the intercom, what I should say anyway, etc.

I went into his street and then I was like "oh, that car might actually be his and he'd see me walking lol" but it was a woman :P So I kept going, saw a man and a dog, and then I saw him on the street. He stopped, I waved at him, walked, he looked at me as if he was really confused about me being there (but in fact he just couldn't see me from that far). Then when I was close enough he said "oh it's you" and blablabla. Anyway, I got into his place, he he obviously didn't expect me and was really tired from another long day, but he took some time to talk to me.

So, first he said that the reason he wanted to stop was that he doesn't have time for me, and that I would be sad

oh shit, im feeling so tired right now, ill go to bed and try to continue this another time...

12/14 Quick Note

So quickly, I will explain in more details tomorrow (got an exam tomorrow...) but I went to see Khanh, he got mad and told me to see Rodrigo, I went to see him and it went fairly well, he texted me from stress and with not much thinking, and he said other stuff about why he is being nice to me and that it doesn't feel like he wants a relationship now (it didn't come to his mind with me).

12/14 Heartbroken

Last time I was heartbroken was with my first relationship, which was with Daniel and was strictly on Internet. I was stupid at that time, so for me loving someone was so important. But he wasn't present in my life, so I decided to break up because it made me sad. I was really sad about it. Which was stupid, but anyway. I've grown up.

Now it's probably the first time I spend so much time with someone and HE ditches me. It has always been me, or it wasn't so serious, so I feel really... heartbroken.

When you meet someone for the first few times, you can always expect the other to stop texting you, and so you understand that the "relationship" is over. But with Rodrigo... we were beyond that. I did not fear that he would just let me go like this. Especially not during a day when he was so eager to see me. I mean, I think yesterday he sent me like 30 texts, and HE was the one wanting to see me. He was clearly happy, he was looking forward to it so much.

Khanh tells me that he's been lying. That I should open my eyes. That I'm stubborn. But seriously, it doesn't make sense. He can't have been lying. This really is illogical. You want a proof? Ok, here are what he wrote me yesterday:

R: Hey bon matin mon bo bonhomme ca va?
Me: Ouais ça va et toi? Je viens de terminer maa dernière présentation de la session!! :)
R:Congrats mister
Me: Merci :) comment se passe ta première journée de la semaine?
R: Gym now
Toi
Me: Ah, tu commences tard aujourd'hui? :)
Je suis encore en cours lol pogné à l'école encore pour plus d'une heure :P
Mais comme je suis intelligent, je vais au gym au lieu d'aller à mon cours de l'après-midi! Lol
R: Pfffffff tu vas etre muscle mais ignorant lollll
Me: Haha, je suis déjà superr ultra méga intelligent :P il me reste juste à être musclé pour être l'homme parfait! Lol
R: Mmmmmm
Jai hate de voir ha ha
Me: Haha, mon entraîneur m'a dit que ça prendrait 3 ans :P faudra que tu sois patient! Lol
R: Dans 3 ans ma avoir 41 tu voudras pu de moi loll
Me: Haha, dans trois and je vais avoir 26 donc mes goûts vont être plus... matures lol
R: C justement a cet age la quon commence a aimer les pti jeunes ha ha ha
Me: Haha tu seras toujours jeune si tu conserves ton coeur d'enfant :P
C'est aussi à l'âge où on fait des bébés pour avoir l'air d'avoir une vie plus jeune :)
R: Tu viens tu me faire des bebes c soir?
Pis dormir avec ton gros animal wraaaaarrrrr
Me: Lol si tu promets de ne pas me manger :P tu penses finir vers quelle heure?
Tu ne réponds jamais quand je te demande quand tu finnis! Lol je peux aller t'attendre au salon vers 8h si tu veux :)

And then I got what I posted yesterday...

R: Hey suis vraiment desole mais je veux arreter ca la
Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine
Pis jaime mieux en rester la
Jespere tu men voudras pas trop
Desole :(
Me: Heu... Ok... J'ai manqué un bout, il y a un problème ? :S
R: No pass du tout suis desole
Me: Ok, je comprends pas vraiment et je veux pas te forcer à expliquer... Mais oui, je suis complètement perdu lol
R: Je men excuse vraiment
Me: Scuse moi de pas m'arrêter, mais c'est un problème avec nos âges? (réponds pas si tu veux pas!)

So yeah, try to figure it out and please tell me when you find the solution to the problem. Cuz I don't get it... and it's killing me.

I just deactivated my facebook account. I think it's gonna help me to disconnect with the world for a little while. I was thinking about deactivating it for some time, but I just kept it because we use it for school (to chat about projects and share documents, etc.) Since it's the end of the semester and we only have three more team projects, it might be okay not to have it anymore.

Oh, and I asked my friends on facebook to text/call me yesterday, and that stupid ex-roommate (I even forgot his name lol) wrote me something like "oh, you've got a lot of finals, eh? oh wait, do you even have finals?" omg, you really are annoying...

Anyway, I ate a sandwich for lunch, I'm still hungry but doesn't feel like eating anything. But I guess I'm getting better, although I'm pretty completely down. I'd like to just crawl in my bed, but I guess I'm gonna study for my exam tomorrow... I was gonna cry on the metro on my way back home, and I did when I arrived, and I am right now... can't believe this is happening. It just doesn't make any sense at all... :(

12/14 Explanations

So I've been thinking a lot. About why he said these things to me. First, here is what he said:

Hey suis vraiment desole mais je veux arreter ca la
Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine
Pis jaime mieux en rester la
Jespere tu men voudras pas trop
Desole :(
Me: Heu... Ok... J'ai manqué un bout, il y a un problème ? :S
No pass du tout suis desole
Me: Ok, je comprends pas vraiment et je veux pas te forcer à expliquer... Mais oui, je suis complètement perdu lol
Je men excuse vraiment
Me: Scuse moi de pas m'arrêter, mais c'est un problème avec nos âges? (réponds pas si tu veux pas!)

And that's it.

The sentence I don't get is "Je me sens pas tres bien de te faire ca je veux pas te faire de la peine". Does it means he doesn't feel good about telling me that he wants to "break up" or does it mean that he doesn't feel good about how things could go between us (and he doesn't want me to be sad if it gets serious).

So yeah, here's my hypothesis, which I think is the one working best with what I understand of it all: He doesn't want me to love a man 15 years older. We actually talked about it during the day, how in 3 years he would be 41 and I wouldn't love him anymore, but I would start loving younger guys instead... So he probably realized that someday it would suck for me, and so he prefers putting an end to it.

Second hypothesis is that he didn't really like me (even if he really enjoyed spending time with me and showed it many times that he liked me a lot) and thought it would be best to end the sex thing, since I started having feelings for him. It's weird cuz knowing him, he really had feelings for me, so for this to be a big lie is quite impossible imo.

The last hypothesis is that something happened in his life and he doesn't want to tell me, but it's affecting him too much and he can't think about a relationship or something with me anymore.

Anyway, I don't know. It's probably because of my age... which seriously I don't see as a problem right now, but yeah, I don't deny that it couldn't cause a problem in the future... problem that I would try to solve if I had been with a guy for so long lol But yeah, maybe not, I don't know, I haven't really thought about it that much.

I said I liked older men, and that's true. It's kind of comforting to have someone who is stable in his life. And it brings something quite different, it's a new experience (which is something I like). There is some kind of adventure. And I was looking at all the good points about it. But yeah, there are gonna be bad points too. I suppose I have to think about these really seriously before anything else. Like, am I gonna be happy in ten years if I am still with him? 20 years when he's gonna be 60 and me 45? There's a really high chance that he dies before me, so what am I gonna do after that? Or should I stop thinking so far in the future because every time I do it ends up shitty, and instead just be happy with the present moment?

Well, I ain't happy right now. He's gone...

And I was so happy all day long, it was gonna be such a wonderful evening... I was supposed to sleep with him all night. I thought of it all day, since Sunday. I even took a shower, I was ready to go, I was just waiting his text to say "ok, I'm finished now, you can come". And instead I got these texts that just destroyed everything.

I really don't know what to do :(

All I want to do is text him and tell him that I really don't care if he's older, that I've known since the beginning and that still I was trying to get something more serious because I really like him.

But I don't even know if it's because of that...

Should I wait for tomorrow? Probably. It's already 1am and it would probably annoy him more than anything. Should I wait until when he's back from his Holiday vacations? I don't know. That was my plan earlier tonight, but I don't think I could wait until that long.

And yeah, I really don't know what to do. I've asked help from my friends, Ariane answered but it turned out just like I thought it would (bad), Khanh didn't get that he didn't ditch me for the night but forever, and I didn't answer when my dad called. So I'm pretty much all alone once more...

I'm an adult, right? I should behave like one, right? Well, I just want someone to help me a little bit, because I'm a weak adult... Rodrigo helped me a lot, and it was great. I was much more happy with him around. I know Khanh is here, but tonight he was with a friend, and I keep annoying him with all my teenage girl problems... And then, there is no one else who could or would help me. So I'm all alone...

I wanna die.

12/13 That's It

Rodrigo just sent me a bunch of texts saying he was sorry to stop it. So he just ditched me. After a day where we texted a lot and were supposed to meet and sleep together tonight. After spending a lot of days together and having a lot of fun. After making me so happy every day. I really thought I was loved by someone. And honest love. That was a first for me. And he ditched me and I don't know why.

Age? Maybe. I don't know. He said he didn't care, but I guess he thinks about me and think it would be bad for me...

Urgh, seriously I don't know what to think about it. I'm really confused, shocked and everything. I'm still not that sad though. It's gonna come soon... :( I just wanna cry a fucking lot, but it seems like I still can't believe it... Everything was so perfect until now... what the fuck happened in a few hours? :S

:'(

It's weird but I wanna kill myself... yeah really...

12/10 Hurt

It's great to think/speak/write in English, I don't have so much the occasion lately cuz my school is all French, my friends mostly all speak French, etc. But most of the time I think in English, which is cool cuz I think English is much faster as a language (French gets complicated for nothing... it might be more poetic, but I'm rational, so English fits me better).

So I've been starting this new workout program by Khanh, and I hurt myself this week. Wednesday I think. Well, Monday I hurt my forearm after my workout, but it wasn't so bad afterwards. Then Wednesday I hurt all of my right arm (from forearm to shoulder) and even if I had a rest day on Thursday, when I went to the gym today, I had to give up because it was hurting too bad :(

It may seem really pathetic, but I'm really sad about it. I really wanted to work out and I just can't. I really wanted to give my best at this and I have to stop everything. :( Khanh said that it should take a week to heal, and that in the meanwhile I should just work on my legs (cuz seriously I can't do anything that's on my upper body...)

It really really sucks. Not only because I can't work out as much as I hoped, but because I feel like I failed. It's like I made a big mistake and now I can't do anything about it. I have to let it go. Wait... Do nothing... that's not really the kind of person I am...

And every time I use my right hand it starts hurting... :(

Really sucks...

12/5 insomnia ftw

i can't sleep, once again. it's been like this all week, i dont know whats wrong. i thought it was because i dont workout anymore, so im not getting tired enough wheen i go to bed, but i think its also becuse of stress from school, the shitty things that happen in my life, and all the stuff coming (christmas for example).

anyway, im just tired of everyone. i mean, nobody loves me, they never did. its like "no, its not right, everybody loves you" but hey... where is everyone? my family loves me? no way, they just like me, and like "when everyone is all reunited"... my friends? they just like when im useful to them (hence i dont spend much time with my friends cuz they dont need me lol)

ayway, im tired, should go back to sleep and cry some more... or jerk off again... urgh, stupid life....

12/4 I'm Sad

It's funny. But I'm kind of sad. Friday night Rodrigo didn't want to meet since he was too busy at work. Then Saturday night he wanted to be alone and just relax. And then today (he doesn't work on Sundays and Mondays) we planned to do something, and one or two hours before, he said friends came for his birthday, and so he was sorry...

I know he wasn't expecting this and is probably sad that he couldn't see me, but I really feel sad. I was so much expecting to see him, it's been a few days, I've been expecting to see him for three days in a row, and none worked out... And it's all this feeling of joy that comes during the day "oh, I'm gonna see him tonight and it's gonna be fantastic as it's always!" which turns into "oh... ok..."

Kinda sad. Not that I blame him, but I do sort of blame him for not being "healthy" enough to send time with me for the past two days. I mean, if someone invites me for something, and if I want to go, then no matter if I'm tired or if I've had a really long and stressful day, I'm gonna go. For example, if he texts me right now and say "oh, it's okay, you can come now" then of course I'm just gonna stop whatever I was doing and just go to see him. Maybe it's just some kind of "youth" that I have and that he has lost. Though I'm taking a guess here that it's probably just laziness and lack of motivation to jump in life and an egocentric point of view where your own happiness is more important than making someone happy. Yeah, that's what you guys call getting old. But I wouldn't want to be such a lazy old man in the future, I'd prefer being an energetic and joyful old man! :)

Anyway, I'm working on school stuff instead, which is really depressing when I think about the cool night I could have had.

Damn.

Oh, and if he texts right now, it's already 9pm, so it's gonna be around 10pm when get there, so it's gonna be too late anyway, and he's gonna be tired of spending time with his friends, so at this point it's sure he's not gonna invite me. Damn. Again. Gotta go watch porn to feel better.

12/2 Being Rejected

In some ways I don't know if I hate being rejected or if I'm okay with it. It sounds weird, so I'm gonna get deeper into it.

I get rejected all the time. Just tonight, as I was supposed to go to Rodrigo's place, he said he had to stay at work a bit longer... so... I assume he wouldn't have time for me tonight. Well, it's okay, it's all part of life, he has his obligations, and is not always in the mood to spend time with me. And for that, I am understandable.

Where it gets sad is afterwards. Right now, I feel sad about being home alone. I guess I was expecting more tonight. I don't even want to do anything, because all I want is something good to happen to me. What I mean is that I will not try to talk to Rodrigo until he talks to me back, tomorrow or the day after or any other day. I feel like I have been rejected completely and that the only way to not feel rejected is for him to come back at me. Like if you didn't reject me then show it.

I know it's completely absurd, but I can't get away from that feeling. I don't mind if people don't like me, but if they do, then they have to show me. Looking at the hype cycle ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hype_cycle ), I'm at the "Trough of Disillusionment" phase. I was expecting so much but now realized it wouldn't be happening. Hence, I'm sad, want to give up everything, and just waiting for things to settle down to the next phase. Lame.

I just finished watching Witness: Disaster in Japan about the March 11th earthquake and tsunami. Quite interesting (if you forget the cheesy background soundtrack). I think I was just has disturbed by it than I am right now thinking about it. I mean, it didn't necessarily affect me personally, yet I do understand (read feel) how hard it was for the people there, or everyone related to these incidents.

I remember when Adrienne cancelled her classes, it made me really panic. Most of the time I'm looking at things really rationally, and I wanted to continue my life as it was, talking about what happened in Japan with a rational point of view. Butt she brought chaos by cancelling her classes and everything. Anyway, she had teach-ins instead, which were much more useful than stupid classes, but still it made me a bit more confused than what I already was.

It's kinda weird, but most of the time I feel bad about making myself happy. I just don't like to be happy. Why can I be happy if so many people are suffering? Yet, when something "happy" comes into my life (e.g. love) I just want it all mine. Weird.

I was talking about it last week with Sumi, but when I was young I was bullied quite a lot. I could never play with others because they didn't want me in their teams. I actually don't know why. I was shy, so I wasn't really popular I guess. And I suppose the fact that no other family was poorer than mine has something to do with it. Anyway, it's complicated, my mind is getting tired, so I think I will stop here.

I wanna cry but I'm too tired to do so. And I don't want to feel like I'm crying because I've been rejected once more. I thought I didn't mind being rejected by others, that I was being used to it, and that I knew that everyone is different so it's normal for someone to not like me. But I'm still getting tired of it. And that's probably why I want someone to love me, to NOT reject me.

I'm watching Peanuts, and Lucie is always bullying others. Like one said in a youtube comment, "she's a bitch". Well, yeah, she is. And there is nothing fun in it. It isn't fun to be bullied.

It's just like my theory of groups, where I've never been part of a group before because I was not accepted in them, but then I started not wanting to be part of a group, because I couldn't be myself anymore. Hence I found out that being in a group is not a good thing since it makes you believe in the group beliefs, and you then lose your rationality. And I think my force lies in this wanting to be all by myself and not have anyone decide on me.

I wonder, am I crazy or am I so smart that I found all the social problems of the world? In some ways, this blog is for people (and me) to realize that I am not crazy. or maybe I can't even realize that what I'm writing down here is made by a crazy brain. It might looks completely logical to me, and to most people, but maybe some psychologist will be able to find my mental disease that makes me unable to see the mistakes in my way of thinking. Anyway, I want to be extremely honest in here so that these people will decide for whatever mental disease I might have. If not, then what I wrote here is so honest that it is true. I do make mistakes, even in my most honest moments, but as I read back my posts I add "edit notes". So is it that I don't have the knowledge to understand what I'm talking about? Or is it that I keep repeating the fucking same ideas from oh so many different perspective and all in so much honesty that there needs to be at least someone else to recognize that this isn't bullshit but fucking plain truth about our world and our societies?

Is someone gonna recognize me? Well, a few have. But many more think I'm crazy and say bullshit all the time. And from a rational point of view, if I'm diagnosed crazy by so many people, then it has to mean something.

12/1 My Man

Last night I slept at Rodrigo's place again. I went to his workplace, then we went to his place, had bareback sex, then we ate spaghetti that he did, watched a movie (Black Swan) and then slept together :) I couldn't sleep much, mostly because of stress, no gym this week, and he was snoring, but in the end, it was another magical night :)

Holy motherfucker, I'm in love!! But with a difference, he loves me back! And I mean he seriously fucking loves me. I'm not gonna write down every little hint I have that would show that, cuz it's damn fucking obvious. Shit, he's just an amazing guy, I can't say how much I want to be in his arms again right now, or just hear his delightful voice, or kiss him, or everything else.

Anyway, it's awesome. I've been smiling much more lately. Just like I was smiling at that kid in the subway and he kept looking at me and smiling back :D man I love kids.

I'm also feeling less frightened at going back to see my family for Christmas. I mean, I'm always getting sick, and you can see in this blog from last year that I was really stressed out, but I think things are getting better in my life, so it looks less stressful. School is almost over and I've been working hard, I have the best friend ever (Khanh), and now someone really loves me (Rodrigo).

I don't know for how long it will last, but I'll just enjoy every second of it :) Oh, I was interrupted by a text from him :)

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. Well, there's a lot more I want to say about it, but I'm keeping it in my head and I'm not sharing it here :P

11/28 Young Adult

So, I broke up with Eason. Well actually I don't even know if it was a breakup or just an email to say that we shouldn't meet again. Anyway, I don't really want to talk about it now, but since this is supposed to be a blog about my honest insights, well... I wanted to love him thinking that he was fit for me (since different) but I realized that there was no love between us and I could get it from someone else, so why bother with the distance and everything, while I could act as an adult for once and not make things complicated for both of us.

Done. Next topic please.

His name wasn't Hugo lol He speaks really fast so I heard that on his phone message, but it's Rodrigo. lol I met him again, after exchanging quite many texts during the week. It was another fun night. He fucked me twice, and every time my ass gets used more and more (i.e. the hole gets bigger lol) Anyway, the fucking part isn't what's really fun (well it is, but it's the same as with anyone else in some ways). I could go on and list all the great things I like about him (how he kisses, his awesome body, how nice he is to me and everyone else, etc.) but that's merely a result of the feeling I have: being in love.

Obviously, if you know me (and I know you don't, but it's okay), I'm trying to get this feeling aside. I mean, I might love him and everything, but he's 15 years older and probably expect an adult out of me, while I'm just a stupid teenager who can't do anything right. Khanh helped me a lot to make me more mature, but I'm still acting recklessly and say things without thinking. And that's probably not something this Rodrigo would like.

But on the other way, there's also this Yifan who's been really annoying about meeting me more and more. I mean, I fucked him last Thursday and he liked it so much (well, I liked it too) that he keeps asking for me. More? No, sorry, I don't have time for a 19yo kid who wants a bf who will do everything for him. I don't want to lose my time with teenage drama like I used to. And that's probably why I've been liking adult men more lately. I mean, a mature man is someone who is serious about life and his decisions, who is able to think more than just up to his nose, etc. And even though I said I wasn't an adult anymore, I don't think I'm a teenager anymore. Probably a young adult. Funny thing.

I mean, I've got to think about life and not just me. So instead of thinking what I want to study and what I want to do (e.g. start a game company), I have to think about what I should do with my life (e.g. finish my studies, pay my student debts, get enough money and experience to start a company, etc.) I suppose one of the reason I didn't want to think differently was because I didn't want to make choices. I mean, once you choose something, it's too late, you made the choice and have lost some time with it. You can try something else after it, but you're taking time and you've only got one life, so you have to hurry if you want to do anything.

I was looking at his profile on facebook... And someone wrote something on his wall, and it's about me! lmao

Ah mon beau Rodrigo!! Bonne fete mon bel homme!! Je peux juste dire combien je suis fier de tout ce que tu as pu accomplir ces dernieres années. Tu me sembles heureux et en parfaite santé, cette année jte souhaite un beau ptit garcon qui sera l'heureux chanceux de pouvoir faire partie de ta vie. Tu le mérites :) Pi si ten trouves pas, ben viarge on va slouer des films d'amour pi manger dla creme en glace à volonté en pleurant comme des beubés haha!! Love you mon ami xoxoxox

Hahaha, I hope I could be this "cute little boy who is gonna be the lucky one and be part of his life" :3 anyway, this is just a dream, I don't want to be too excited about it, since every time I'm in love it doesn't turn out in anything good lol

And cuz it's my favorite song of the week:
(I was listening to it before seeing Rodrigo last Friday, and... I had a good feeling ;) )

4/18 Sanmi Kawemara

Edit (8/12/11): I had to change her name since it was linked back to my blog. I think I will have to think carefully about not writing one's complete name...
Edit (11/21/11): This was reposted, the link to the previous article was still showing up on some search engine and I don't really want others to find it from the name of the person...

I think I need to write down about her. I mean, it's not what people think of. It is quite special actually.

When I first met her, it was during the placement test, to decide at which level I should go for my Japanese studies at McGill. Well, I didn't have any opinion of her at that time. I was asked if whether I wanted to be in level 1 or 2, because I did well in the test, but not that well. I answered that I should go for level 1 just to be sure, something I regretted later on.

I really liked Uesaka's classes, and I thought highly of her. She was a really sweet and dedicated person, and I learned a lot from her. She motivated me so much, and every time I went to her office I would go back home with a love for Japanese language. I thought she was the best Japanese teacher ever.

Then I went into level 2 a little bit before half of the first semester, since level 1 was way too easy for me. So I came to see Kawemara-sensei. I don't think I really had any impression or whatsoever of her. She was just a Japanese teacher. I couldn't switch to level 2, so I continued in level 1 and stopped going to the second level's classes. But it was okay, I mean, Uesaka-sensei was great, I loved her.

Then during the summer I started studying Japanese to be able to skip level 2. Why? Because I wanted, that way, to be with Uesaka-sensei again. I didn't want to learn Japanese with another teacher, and I wanted to be a really good student of Japanese, which I couldn't do since I decided not to skip level 1 (I had many occasions, but since I was lost in my educational path, I missed them). I took the placement test, and... well I came there really tired and couldn't remember some of the grammar patterns, so... they thought it wasn't appropriate for me to skip level 2, which they considered as the hardest to skip. So I had to be in level 2. So I couldn't be with Uesaka-sensei. So I had to be with Kawemara-sensei.

I think I got my first impression of Kawemara-sensei at that time. She was "the lady who didn't want me to skip level 2". Then she became this teacher who couldn't teach me anything new since I already learned all that stuff. And then she became an old lady who was not made to be a teacher anymore, and should learn from Uesaka-sensei. And so I started hating her. She was everything I didn't like about a teacher. She was, for me, a bad teacher. And all I could think of was the following year when I would have Uesaka-sensei again.

And so second level passed like this without any real change in my mind. The next year I was finally happy with Uesaka-sensei teaching level 3. I thought she was an awesome teacher, and I learned a bunch of stuff, with hard work but being rewarded by her teaching methods.

But I wanted to continue studying Japanese, so I had to have Kawemara-sensei again for level 4. And that was a pain for me. I didn't really like her. But I decided to try, and so I started the year with no bad thought of her. But it changed. Her exams were hard, her texts too, she wouldn't teach Japanese but talk about some "stupid" stuff. And so I started hating her.

Since I didn't have good grades at all, I wanted to improve my spoken skills, and so I asked Senoo-sensei to have some kind of weekly discussions. We had two of them, and it was great, but I didn't have enough time to continue... I think I could have done them with Kawemara-sensei, but since I didn't like her...

My exams were around 55-60%. And that's the kind of grades I would get. On the last summary I did, she wrote half a page saying that my way of thinking was wrong. I was getting desperate. I talked about it with a friend, saying that was she was doing was unacceptable. You can't give so bad grades to students all the time thinking that they will want to learn. You can't tell your students that they are thinking wrong. You can't make exams by thinking that the average should be around 60%. And you can't say that the highest score on any assignment is 85% just because it's an A. And so talking about it with my friend, I started to cry. I couldn't stand her anymore. I thought of denouncing her teaching to someone at McGill, but then since it was her last year, it wouldn't change anything. So I took all my courage and went to see her to tell her that something was wrong between me and her.

I was really nervous, and wasn't sure about what I was about to say. I wanted to tell her what I thought on how she teaches, but I just told her that I thought I was doing bad in the class since I was only having bad grades. And then she said "Oh no! You're doing really great!" And she wanted to know on which parts I had more difficulties. I said it was on the readings (on which we have to write summaries). She then asked me if I wanted to try to translate them in English to see if it could help me.

So I went back home with not so much settled. But at least I was feeling less stressed I guess. I still disliked her as a teacher, but I kept trying hard, even with all these 55-60% exams and summaries. She said in class that if we handed in every homework, then we would get at least a B. So I was aiming for that B I guess. I translated a text into English, and we went over it, which helped me a lot to understand the text. But I still couldn't get a good grade in the summary. Nor in the exams. I didn't have much time because of my work, but I did work a lot on the Japanese class, and I didn't think I was getting better at all at Japanese. I thought I didn't learn anything at all in level 4.

After the winter holidays, things changed. I came to know Adrienne from a class in fall, and I really loved her. She once said in class that Kawemara-sensei (and Uesaka-sensei too) was the best Japanese teacher out there, and that she loved her. At that time, I thought "uhhh, that's so not true! Kawemara-sensei is really not good at all, and nothing compared to Uesaka-sensei". But with another class with Adrienne, we were asked to do radio documentaries. And she had a special project, which was a documentary on Kawemara-sensei. She wanted to know who would be interested for it. At first, I was like "oh no, I'm just not doing this". But then, two things came to my mind: 1) I want to do something more challenging (since I know Adrienne pushes us out of motivation, which is really great), and 2) if Adrienne thinks she is so great, maybe I can give it a try. And so I volunteered for it.

For the documentary, I think I started with a pessimistic view on it. I thought it was useless to tell the life of someone who really did nothing much in her life. We went on to interview people around her, and it was all "she is so sweet, she is the best, she is saintly, you just want to hug her", etc. And even if I started to see that she was a "good" person, I still thought negatively of her. I mean, she was this animal-crazy old woman with too much politics in classes on what is good for humans and what is not. But I still wanted to make this documentary.

I wrote my speech contest about world peace and how beliefs made it impossible for real peace to happen. When I wrote it, I thought that she would hate it, just like anyone else would, but that it didn't matter, since I believed what I said was completely logical, and therefore right. She read and corrected it, and sent me an email saying that she disagreed with it. I was really happy she did! I came to see her and countered back her argument in her email. She couldn't reply to my answer, but I saw that she actually was thinking about it. She was trying to make sense of what I wrote, of what I thought. And then when I came to see her the same day to get my final version, so smiled telling me that the text was good now, but that she still disagreed with the contents.

I think this is exactly when I started having a different opinion of her. Whenever I talked about these things with other people, they would either change subject or say that I'm crazy. But she acted differently. She tried to understand me. And even if she couldn't, she didn't judge me for my ideas. I don't think she ever thought I was crazy at all. I think she was more interested in me than disgusted. I made Adrienne read my speech too, and she reacted in a similar way, but instead saying that it was awesome and that she agreed on all of it. I can't say this was true or not, but at least I don't think she was judging me either for my weird ideas.

So I did my speech. I didn't have time to memorize it, but felt like I wanted to say it anyway, I wanted to feel free and express my feelings to everyone. And I think this was these "free discussions" that Adrienne was talking about in an interview about Kawemara-sensei. With Sumi, you can say whatever you want, and you won't be judged. And in fact, she wants to know about other ways of thinking. She wants to learn from her students. Which is something she would repeat later on.

So I was starting to like her. We were working on the documentary, and was having some issues with a teammate about the contents of the documentary and the way it was presented. I think I wanted to do a serious documentary while she wanted to do a love homage to her. I tried to persuade my teammates that it wouldn't look good, but I gave up. And I started to really hate the documentary I was still working on, and I left all the creative ideas to my teammates, to the point where I told them "say whatever you want, but you will look stupid". They then made some minor changes, but in general the documentary was for me a failure.

I realized that I was getting closer to Kawemara-sensei. I learned about all of her life, I talked with her family, her close friends, her coworkers. I got to know almost everyone in the department. And I was reading texts in my Japanese classes on things that was important for her. And I came to find her discussions interesting. I went in her office with a hidden recorder and asked her questions about her anarchism and her view of the world, and also about her early life. We used that for the documentary. But what nobody knows is that I didn't do it for the documentary, but just because I wanted to know more about her. And I talked with her for more than 20 minutes, about other subjects too. We talked about nihilism, how a country can be anarchist, what it means to have nothing good or bad, what is the meaning of "pain", privileged people, etc. I felt like this was one of the best discussion I ever had in my life. And I still feel bad about this "lie" I made with my hidden recorder. I feel like I cheated on her honesty.

Then I did my oral presentation in Japanese on world peace again. This time I included much more information, and she helped me with my text. When I did it in class, there was a lot of contradictory opinions, which I found was great. At the end, Sanmi told me that I did great since everyone said something. But at the same time, I heard one of my friend (and probably more) thought I had a problem for thinking that way and that everyone was in disagreement with me. I think I saw in this the difference between a person who is open to other people's thoughts and someone who is not. But then again, it doesn't really matter I guess. I just thought it was really awesome for Sanmi to let me say whatever I thought and finding it interesting.

For the documentary, we wanted to include some words from everyone in the longest version. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't face it, nor can I even now. I still don't know how to talk to her as of now. I can't face her. How can you tell someone you love her when you hated her? How can she forgive me for the way I thought of her, without even knowing her? I'm still thinking she made me change much more than I can ever thank her. And I am so ashamed of myself for hating her. There's only a few people in my life I really hated, but she was one of them. She made me realize that I shouldn't judge people, and shouldn't hate them. Even if I think I know them. So I didn't include "final" words in the documentary, I did not write her anything for her retirement party, and I did not give her anything. And I just can't.

I worked really hard on the documentary and came to like it more. I still believe that it doesn't describe her at all, and that I could have done much better (alone), but I feel like my other teammates didn't know her that much, or didn't really understand her. I think now I have a really good idea of who she is. And I really love her. And so I finished the documentary thinking that it didn't describe her, but that since she isn't materialistic, she wouldn't think too much about this documentary. And that she wouldn't care so much if I didn't thanks her at all. Because I'm sure it doesn't matter for her what people have to say to her, or think of her.

I was really tired during the retirement party and so I don't remember exactly what she told me, but I don't think she said anything in particular. I actually don't think she ever thanked me for the documentary, but it might be the same as I never thanked her for everything that I'm writing right now.

On the day of the final exam, last Friday, something really special happened. We went to have dinner after the exam. She was saying that I eat a lot (because we ate together the Sunday before for the demonstration) and that it must be cold outside since I cut my hair. But when she said that, she laughed. And I've never seen her smiling that much. Never. And it was so beautiful. It's making me cry now... But I was so glad to see her so happy. I think to some point I did make her happy, even for all of these bad thoughts I had of her. And even if I never thanked her in any for all she did for me. She still loved me. With a smile I have never seen from her before. And since she was looking at me, I thought she was happy because of me. And that she probably loves me too.

Ok, sorry, need a small tissues pause here...

It's weird. I have this feeling that wants to be closer to her. I would like, for example, to be part of one of her tutorial she gave to students. I'd like to have discussions with her, spend time with her, and learn Japanese by discussions on issues on which we agree or disagree. I would like this, but I don't know how to ask her. I don't know how to ask her for more than she already gave to me. I think she did more than enough, and I just want to let her do what she wants without being a burden. It's the same thing with Adrienne, she changed me a lot and I would like to get closer, but I do not want to interfere in her life. Even if I think I could still learn much more from these two person.

So, well, that's where I am now. I think when you love someone you used to hate, your feelings are much stronger than when you love at first sight. Because the process of understanding that person and changing to see that she was in fact different from what you thought, is a much longer process than just loving that person the first time you meet. But anyway, it doesn't matter if I love her or not. What matters is that I've become a much better person, thanks to her. And I think staying on that track would be the best present I could ever give her.

11/20 Email

So I got an email from my TA. Here it is:

Bonjour -me-,

Je n'ai pas encore reçu de fiches pour toi, ça devrait se faire dans le courant de la semaine prochaine, j'imagine. Pour les 5 premières que tu as envoyées, c'est généralement bien. Pour les prochaines fiches je te suggère d'élaborer un peu plus sur la description de l’article et la proposition, de donner des notices bibliographiques complètes et de surveiller un peu la syntaxe. J'ajoute aussi qu'il est préférable de consulter les fichiers power point des autres pour éviter de proposer des sources qui sont déjà intégrées (voir le travail de Vincent Primeau).

- à bientôt

Véronique

So, it really pissed me off, so I replied like this (I didn't get an answer):
Est-ce que tu sais s'il y a une façon d'obtenir les fichiers power point des autres ? Ils ne sont pas sur Studium et je ne les ai pas reçus par courriel.

And I need to complain a little bit more here, cuz, really, this email annoys me more than everything that happened during the weekend.

Je n'ai pas encore reçu de fiches pour toi, ça devrait se faire dans le courant de la semaine prochaine, j'imagine.
WTF!?!?! So what are these next sentences then if you haven't received any? Are you stupid or do you copy/paste the same sentence for everyone?

Pour les 5 premières que tu as envoyées, c'est généralement bien.
Oh, here, she received them...

Pour les prochaines fiches je te suggère d'élaborer un peu plus sur la description de l’article et la proposition, de donner des notices bibliographiques complètes et de surveiller un peu la syntaxe.
Killing sentence. Well, I didn't write enough stuff? And wtf? Who fucking cares if I didn't write a novel? Syntax? WWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? My syntax is awesome, and even if it wasn't, who are you to judge me like this? I means, all you do is telling me "well, you did a good job, but this sucks, that sucks, and this sucks too. In other words, you suck." Wow, great! Now I know why she is a TA... she likes to be mean to students. I mean, seriously? What does it give you to throw shit at your students? Do you feel like you are a better person? Or are you stupid enough to "just follow whatever rules the society tells you: to do everything perfectly, and find faults in everyone." Bitch.

J'ajoute aussi qu'il est préférable de consulter les fichiers power point des autres pour éviter de proposer des sources qui sont déjà intégrées (voir le travail de Vincent Primeau).
Well, fuck you again. I didn't have these! How could I have checked them? Is it my fault that the prof didn't send them? (well he never intended to do so) So yeah, you're completely lost, but don't start criticizing me for something you don't know! Bitch.

Still angry. I've got 3 more to do and... well, knowing that she corrects them, I just want to throw her what she deserves: shit.

11/19 Stuff

I'm not sure why, but I feel fucking sad since a few days... wanna cry or something, but I don't have enough feelings, so I end up here...

Well, I started having sex a little bit lately. With Khanh on Halloween, then... oh yeah, an asian guy (cool guy, but he didn't reply to me tonight lol), then Monday morning with Lucca (the 60yo guy who gives me money!), then last night with this Hugo. It was actually a LOT of fun. We had sex 2 times and a half, talked a lot in the bed, and it was loving/passionate sex, which I haven't had in a while. He really liked me, so we'll probably see each other again, but anyway.

And then tonight I decided to go see a guy who gave me the wrong address on Thursday (and I waited for half an hour and surprisingly I think I was pissed off...) and... well, he was in a hurry, so all he wanted was for me to suck him... WTF!! You want me to suck you? And what do I get? Do I look like a prostitute? Where's my money? And, well, I did it, cuz there was nothing else to do... but I don't like sucking, and he didn't want to do anything else... oh shit, I hope he didn't enjoy it...

Anyway, I think I like somewhat older men, not because they're old, but because they're smarter than most people of my age. For example, Khanh is the smartest person I know, and then there's Adrienne for example. These people are really smart and I have fun with them because of that. People in my class are just a bunch of kids. They think they know everything but in fact I know everything about each of them. I remember everything they've said, everything they've done, and so I know everything they think. Even the most complicated people in my class are still average to figure out. I suppose the older people get around me and the harder it will be to understand them (see it as a tree that grows branches all the time, so there are more branches in an older tree).

Anyway, I think I hate people for being stupid. I suppose it's something like "well if I can be smart as I am, you can too, just start thinking instead of believing all the shit people say around you." Oh well...

I'm around 180lbs now, kinda cool considering I was 160 when school started. It's around 2lbs every week. I was wondering why I was working out, and I think it's some kind of achievement thing. My workout program was really descriptive and stuff, so I was motivated to follow it. But there's one week left and I don't have the motivation anymore lol

I think I miss being able to love someone and getting love back from that person. I need a lover. Eason? Well, he's away, haven't seen him for two months, and he's not sure he's coming for Christmas (because of work and because his uncle and aunt want him for Christmas... lol fuck you...) Spending Christmas alone (with my family) is a huge disappointment, just like last year, and now I'm getting stressed out about it again :( I suppose I don't want to go back alone. Omg, just thinking about it makes me super stressed out, so I should stop... :/

As for school, I don't know what to do. It's getting really boring, I'm really losing my time and I don't like it. And plus, it's stressful. I mean, all the projects/homework we have to do, and none are actually useful, they're just a waste of time... it's all stupid... So what should I do? Keep doing something I don't like for a few months until I have a diploma that might help me? Start looking for a job and stop my studies? Or stop studying and start my company. Anyway, I have a debt I can't forget, since I can't start a company without money... And all that shit. it's scaring me out.

So uh, yeah... I need a sugar daddy. Or I need money. And sadly that means I need to work in a company... which I don't really want to do... :(

urgh... I hate life.

and that's it, gonna go back to these stupid homework...

11/2 I Miss Libertarian Education

It's been a while since I last posted. The reason is simple: I don't have time to talk about my life. A lot has happened, as always, but I suppose I'm gonna have to skip a few important things.

When I compare the way people respond to my ideas, from Adrienne to other people, I see a clear difference: Adrienne is a pure libertarian and others make it seem like they are but just aren't. What I mean by that is the following: When I (or someone else) talks about an idea, people's first reaction is to find faults to it, to criticize it and tell me what they think would be a better answer. In fact, we use what has been done for a long time, a false libertarianism. On the surface, people let others say the things they want to say, and then they answer by saying whatever they want (since they also have freedom of expression). But this isn't what is happening exactly. When people respond, they correct what the first person said by arguing that they know more or that what they know is better. I suppose I do not have to say that except for mathematics or languages, nothing else is known for sure (and it isn't because we can observe something that it is true; that's called Logic 101). Hence their arguing is completely useless, but they think it's okay to do so since they have freedom of expression.

The problem with that is that this arguing makes the first person feel bad about this thing. His idea was an IDEA, not a truth, and the first reaction of others is to destroy his idea with another one (which isn't a truth either). And how do one react to this? Well, the person is pissed off. He will start to believe his idea is right and he needs to protect it (since he has been attacked), or he will just listen to the other persons and believe what they say, or he will just forget all about it. (there might be other options, but I don't really have any idea in mind.) But the individual liberty here is not respected. It is actually completely shut off. When you answer "Shut up! You're wrong, I know the truth!" you tell the other person that his way of thinking and expressing himself is wrong, and obviously you force that person to take a position on what was an idea. So you might transform an idea into a belief.

Now, to go back to Adrienne. What she would say after one has said anything would be a positive response. She would praise the person, saying things like "You guys are so smart!" And what does this create? It creates a real libertarian space to talk about whatever one wants with complete freedom of expression. And in Adrienne's courses it was the first and only time I saw something like that. Now, with my current courses, I really miss Adrienne.

I think it is similar to prejudices. For example, when someone says he does not have prejudices, this is just a belief the person has. Whether that person really has prejudices or not depends on much more. But the person wants to defend the idea that "not having prejudices is right", hence there is already a contradiction. Why do people feel the need to express what isn't a truth nor an idea, but just "what everyone says is right"? Prejudices have been perceived as the worst thing ever, and even if some people say they have prejudices, they all know it is "bad" to. And it's that part I hate because it just doesn't make sense at all. Having prejudices has been considered a bad thing, and you will get criticized as soon as you say one, and this criticism will force you to either believe they really are bad or that you are the one who is right and they are wrong. (sorry if it took me time to get to this lol I think I'm really tired and my brain isn't all there, but it's still logical :) )

When someone says something that doesn't make sense at all or is out of the conventional, I get thrilled. Why? Because that person doesn't fear the stupid criticism he will get in no time. That person really is using his freedom of expression. But for how long? How long will it take before he falls in the conventional? It's hard to be one against everyone. And so instead of criticizing others, why not praise them for having ideas, and praise them even more for having "crazy" ideas that make no sense? Only then we will have individual liberty.

And before I get criticized for not thinking too much, I will add that even if someone seems to be arguing over something doesn't necessarily means that he thinks what has been said is wrong or anything, but maybe he only wants to add something to advance the idea to a further level. I do not say this is not a good way to learn, but still, it's like saying "look, you got part of it, here is what you forgot". But what that person doesn't mean is "Oh, you're idea is so great, I love it! I also thought about this other thing that is similar, what do you think?" But then again, said in the wrong way, it might influence a positive response ("yes! that's also a really good idea!" while the other person didn't actually have time to think much about it but was influenced by the words of praise given...) This example raises many more examples, but hopefully if we stop trying to argue about our ideas and just listen to what others have to say and praise them for having ideas, I think these problems might not occur.

And it's getting really late so I should work a little bit on homework or stuff :)

10/11 Yesterday and Today

Yesterday Khanh asked me for my keys of his apart, and since I was going to the gym, I decided I would bring them to him. When I got there, he was on his bed, almost crying. It was because of his money problems (he resigned from his job and wants to wait until January before working). He was kind of wanting to kill himself (don't think he was that serious), but... what do you say? what was I supposed to say? it's not like people shouldn't kill themselves. It's just a lie if you say "no, don't do it, because..." And I don't lie, so I didn't help him that way.

I went back to my place to get some stuff to study at his place, because he wanted me to stay over. When I came back he seemed perfectly happy, not depressed anymore. We ate pasta and everything. Anyway.

My problems? Well, we talked about them. We just raised more questions and didn't answer any of those I had.

My future? What's my future? What am I gonna do in my future? What's gonna happen to me in 8 months? What's gonna happen to me today? And yes I'm ready to do whatever comes, like I've always been doing... but... I'm tired of losing my time. I'm tired of going to school, study things I already know or that any relatively smart mind could figure out, listen to stupid professors who know what they teach is shit, doing projects that don't make me learn anything but just stresses me out for no good reason. I'm tired of building a "future" that will enable me to lose my time trying to get money and be happy with it. I'm tired of trying to build a relationship that will never satisfy me and is just gonna end too soon. I'm tired of making friends that I don't get along with because they always lie and I just simply hate everyone. I'm tired of having projects to help the world when everything gets in my way: school, work, money, bf, friends, etc.

I wanted to start a company because I thought I could finally be able to do whatever I wanted to do without any constraint. But it's not true. If I do a company, I need to influence banks to give me money, influence people to give me money and buy my games, influence my coworkers to work on my games and to stay with me, influence my friends and bf to stay with me to support me when I need it, etc. I have goals, there are things I want to do and others I need, and to do so my only option is to influence people. I have to influence people to like me. Or else 'll never accomplish anything.

But I clearly don't want to do that. I don't want to lie about myself or anything else, I don't want to influence anyone to do anything for me. If you don't want to help me out, then don't. But then there is absolutely no reason at all why people help each others if it isn't from an influence. You help people around you BECAUSE they are around you, BECAUSE they are part of the same group, BECAUSE you like them. What about me? I'm not in any group, and I don't want to ever be in one. I don't want to help people of my city, or people of my country, or people who have the same beliefs as me, or anyone, but I want to help EVERYONE. Just like I'm not part of any category except the everyone category.

Anyway, it's not like anything has been solved right now. I still don't know what I should do of my life. Eason might seem completely honest, in fact he lies to himself. That's how he goes through life. Khanh has changed a lot lately because of me. He realized that he's been lying to himself, and he's starting to see the world as it really is. Hence, he's getting depressed too. Yesterday I came around and he was really happy, because he loves me ("love" as in "love" as in "whatever this might mean") and having someone like me who really cares about him makes him feel better.

I wanted to say more but my brain is much faster than my typing, so I'm gonna switch topic: I want to ask Eason what he would think if I was to move to Toronto with him. "You know, I'd really like to move to Toronto if I could live with you." is the best line I've come up with. It's only an idea that I bring here (with the "you know") But maybe it sounds like I know he doesn't want me to live with him, which is half-true. I never asked him, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to live with someone else. So maybe something like "Wouldn't that be great if we lived together?" which, in some ways, is less direct but still seems superficial. Maybe "I wish someday we could live together in Toronto :)" to which I might not get any answer at all to my real question... or... "Do you want to include me in your new place?" because he is thinking about finding a new place to live. Or a longer version, combining other stuff... "You know, if you are thinking about moving, then couldn't we find a place to live together in Toronto?" to which I'm gonna get a big "NO!" lol urgh, I'm already expecting the answer, no matter how I ask it... I'm just trying to change the question so that he's influenced to feel no pressure about it and no rush... "You know, if I move to Toronto it would be to live with you, but I don't even know what you think about it..." Maybe that's it? I'm clearly expecting a negative answer, but at least I'll get it and stop worrying about it. And I'm just asking what he thinks about it, I'm not forcing him to do anything. or am I? Anyway, I should just give it a try, and worry until the end of the day when he's gonna answer me...

10/10 Hate

I asked Eason if he was okay for accepting my request for being my boyfriend on facebook, and he said no. It pissed me off. Obviously.

I didn't want to test him (if he considers me to be his bf or not) or anything, I just wanted to have it shown on my facebook so that everyone else knows. So that people at school, or stupid annoying people stop thinking about a way to get me. And last thing, I thought he would be happy, since I wondered if whether or not he wanted every of his friends to know he is in a relationship. So I was like "great, I'll just go on and ask him, maybe he's been waiting for me to ask him, that might make his day!" I wrote too quickly and sent an incomprehensible mess, but here it is:

"Are you gonna accept my "request" if I put you in my relationship status or do you prefer your friends on facebook not knowing about it? :)"

To which he answered, a few hours later:
"I prefer the second one"

And I said "Ok :)" and obviously I meant "Ok :(" lol

So I was mad at him, I didn't have any explanation, I have lots of questions, etc. So I decided to change my status anyway, and not adding him. It was my first plan anyway (like I was asking him if he wanted to be named or not, but I was gonna change it anyway). But this time I think I did it because I was annoyed. I'm really stupid, but want him to feel bad about it, and wait until he talks to me first. Yeah, that's pretty childish and everything, but anyway, I suppose I'm getting tired of trying to understand his feelings for me, and how he defines them exactly.

And that's not all... my stupid annoying friends on facebook started a fanclub and liked my new status non-stop. Then I made some guys sad about it (like Daniel my first bf who wrote how sad life is on his wall). FUCK!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!?!

I've always thought life was like a game of Sims. That everyone has different qualities at different attributes, but that in the end everyone is equal. But I've realized this was wrong. I never wanted to admit it, but some people are smarter than others. And by smartness, I mean the capacity to understand yourself and others (hence to understand the world). Everyone I know, with no exception, is unable to do so. Even I don't understand completely myself and others. But I haven't found anyone who was better at it than I am. From my teenage I was able to figure out someone just by being in the same class. I was able to know exactly when someone lies or not. My understanding of people became much better with my understanding of myself. By being completely honest with myself, I was able to understand how human thought works. And then I applied what I found on others, to realize that they are the same as me, but do not want to accept it. Then lie. They live in a world of lies, and prefer to follow and believe it rather than being honest and realistic. Some people are smarter than others. Some are more able to distance themselves from the world of lies, and others have understood how to use this world of lies at their advantage (by influencing). Nonetheless, these two categories of people are "less smart than me". I make it sounds like I am a God, but seriously I won't lose time trying to explain what you can probably figure out by yourself (look around on this blog for a start). Call it smart or crazy, I've started to hate people. Hate them because they do not want to see the truth. Because they prefer being in their world of lies. I've tried to be honest with them, take my time and explain them how the world really works. Make them realize that they were wrong. It sometimes work. Or maybe I think it fails because I haven't seen much results, only people arguing over what I say.

So here is the thing. I am smart. There is no doubt over it. If "smart" is the wrong word, then it is still the word that everyone has used to describe me. I know how to influence people. I know the best strategies to influence as many people as possible. I could become a King, I could become a President, I could become a God. But unlike them, I do not want to influence anyone. I want them to understand the lies they live in. I only want the truth. I want this world of lies becoming a world of truths. Why? Because I'm an honest person, but I am alone. I want honest friends. I want to feel comfortable in this world. I've never been. I've never had friends I liked. And so I suppose this plan of mine, this change of world I want to create, is all an egocentric need I had since I was born. I want to change the world because I have never been happy with it. Not because something is better than something else, but because I know I am real to myself but others are not. Or maybe I'm just being crazy? Well, even if I am crazy, I'm still much less crazy than everyone else.

10/6 Deconstruction of a Deconstructed Reality

Sometimes I wonder if my way of looking around me isn't pure nihilism. But whatever, I've been wondering if I should try again to deconstruct everything I've come up until now. I've tried it a little bit before, I've tried to have beliefs (and I clearly need to talk about it a little more) but I want to destroy the fact that beliefs are bad. I want to try and see if living in beliefs and lies is rationally logical or if it isn't working. I don't have my motivation to do so yet, but I suppose I could say "everyone believes, so should I"... Should I? Or should I keep being the antagonist of society?

I will take back the list of beliefs I came up with a month ago (see "8/26 I Have To Believe") and come up with changes/comments.

1. Fun

I don't really think I've been having any fun at all. I'm not saying that stuff I do in my life is horrible, stressful and annoying, but it's just "things I do in my life", and nothing else. I forgot to put the "fun factor" on it, and in the end, it probably isn't necessary to believe in fun. The only fun I can remember is the "fun of love", the fun of being loved by someone (but not necessarily of loving someone, because I can't say if I don't love others only to be loved in return or if I love them because I'm having this fun from love from them...) I've got love from Eason (and at the same time I had fun having sex with him, but that wasn't because of the sex, but because of the love), from my family, from Khanh and maybe Adrienne, and that's it. These people love me for who they think I am, and since they kind of know me well, I feel loved from them.

A. Love that I receive from people make me feel better about myself.
(is that really some kind of fun? lol maybe it's the wrong category :P )

2. Money

You can already remove this one, because I don't want to believe in money anymore. I want to start my own company without making any money, and I don't care if people don't like it, if they tell me I should make a living, etc. Fuck them. Does that mean I believe in anti-capitalism? Not really, I do think I need money to pay for stuff and that capitalism is helping a lot of people, I just don't believe any sides of the medal.

3. Friendship

Now that I think everyone is stupid (because I'm "smarter" than them and understand them too easily), it's hard for me to have friendships, so I've kinda lost interest for that. I'm not gonna stop talking to others, but I'm not gonna force myself to please them to be their friends.
My goal isn't to make as many friends as possible, but just to be myself.

4. Physical Appearance

Haha, this one is probably the one I'm gonna keep the most :) Probably because I believe in life? (like in I believe I want to live healthy)

B. I will work out regularly and eat a lot of food because it will make me into a more muscular build.
C. I will wash and take care of my skin and teeth and everything, everyday, because... why? because I want people to compliment me on "good" changes? yeah, I think that's it.

5. A Better Future

This one is new, but it's probably because I forgot about it. It's kind of why I'm making this blog, why I keep thinking about all these stuff, about people, about our world.

D. I believe I can make this world a better place for everyone.

Strong and general statement, I agree, but that's why sometimes I'm so engaged in something and the next day I say something completely opposed. I want to find a TRUE way to make the world a better place, I don't want to believe in solutions that would never work. For example, I don't believe that "getting rid of beliefs would save the world", because as soon as I find something that doesn't work with that, I will reject the idea and try to find another one. And I will keep doing it all the time.

So, I believe in four things. Two are quite personal, two are more universal. Let's see how it goes like this.

Do I really need to deconstruct what I've just deconstructed, or should I just wait naturally that it happens like it does all the time with me? :)

10/5 Lies

There are 3 types of lies.

1) Bad Lies

These are probably the only ones people understand. It's when you say someone you don't want to go tonight because you feel a little sick. So it's when you don't want to tell the truth and feel like you should lie instead. But in doing so, you know this lie is "bad". Or maybe you think it's the "right thing to do" in the circumstances. But anyway, I'm just calling them Bad Lies no matter how you perceive their morality.

2) "Unconscious" Lies

These are lies you thought were not lies. For example... actually, I can't find any example. What I was trying to explain are definitely beliefs.

3) Beliefs

Well you know by now what beliefs are. "I believe in General Relativity." Which is a lie because you don't really believe in it but just say you do to be part of a group (or maybe the classical argument "to find answers to my questions"). Or you could say "I don't 'believe' in General Relativity because it was proven that it was true." Which in some ways could be true, but in others could be just another belief (in the scientific method for example, or in whatever the scientists say is true). But my explanations are too close to pure nihilism, which wouldn't believe in the world we live in, so I will sort of go back to what we perceive as reality (not because it is truer, but because it is what I am interested in).

Anyway, I probably had more to say about all of this, but I got interrupted by Khanh, and now I don't know what I was talking about anymore, so let's just leave it aside a little while :)

10/2 Last Few Weeks

I haven't written much on my blog anymore, mostly because of school taken ALL my time... urgh... anyway...

I went to Toronto last weekend to see Eason, and we confirmed we were boyfriends :) I actually had a LOT of fun, and had the best sex in my life. Yeah lol It's weird but it was really great, we didn't just have sex, we made love. Quite different actually. Anyway, I missed him, I was in a good mood, I loved him, and so everything went well together :) He said that my acne was less apparent (yay!) and that my muscles/fat is more apparent (double yay!) I also got to learn him much better, realize why he loves me and why I love him. He said he loved me at first sight... lol and he said he likes that I'm so easy-going :) I like that he's so honest all the time (and naive too) and he likes to decide for me (like food and trips) so it's great for me since I hate choosing! lol

We were working hard on a project for school and then my dad called to say my grandma had died. I got sort of emotive, but it got better quickly. I liked my grandma a lot (we spent a lot of time at her place and had a lot of fun) but anyway, people die and life continues. So I had to go to Quebec city on Friday night, then her funeral on Saturday, and came back with a bunch of great-cousins I didn't know I had. Then Khanh invited to eat and watch a movie, so I went and did my laundry at the same time (I save money that way! lol)

So I've got a lot of stuff to do now and don't have much time, but anyway, it's the same thing all the time!

Being with my family, I realized something disturbing. I think I am "smarter" than my dad. What I mean by that is that I have realized that I understand him better than he understands himself. Sometimes he does something he tries to explain in some way, and believes this reason to be the truth, but it isn't. He doesn't realize he's "lying" to himself by believing something that makes sense to him while it just isn't true, but I can see that... So does it make me smarter than him? I suppose so, but still it's sad, cuz I always thought my dad was a really smart man. He was a motivation for me in some ways, a model of someone who couldn't do things he had potential to do. But maybe now he's old and doesn't think he needs to think that much anymore? I call it lazy, but it's not really his fault... :(

Why do all my role models end up that way? Everyone I thought was smart ends up being... dumber than me... so does that mean I'm like one of the smartest person in the world? that's quite a stupid statement, and that's in no way what I want. I'd like everyone to be smarter than me, but I still don't know how to achieve that... :/ And I have to do it because I know no one else will do it...

9/13 My Future

So I've been wondering a lot about what I will do in my future. I mean, what I will do in a few months when I finish my studies. There are a few options, so I will list them and write positive/negative points about each.

1. Keep Studying

Pros: I get to learn more stuff, and I have a "name", which I can use to be influential.

Cons: I don't want to keep studying, I think it's meaningless. If there is anything I want to look up, I can probably do it by myself and without anyone to tell me to. I don't want to study something that I wouldn't like. And I wonder what I would like to study. Video games? Sociology?

2. Work in a Big Company

Pros: I get "experience" to put on my CV and gain some kind of working history for future projects. I can make a name too, and therefore use it as some kind of influence. And I get money, which can be useful.

Cons: I lose my time, a few years doing something I don't like and where I only learn about video games production and nothing else. I could get into capitalism which isn't really what I want.

3. Work Independently

Pros: I do what I want, and what I want is useful for everyone. I get to apply what I have been studied and can change the world with my games. I am motivated working. I could lead to awesome projects.

Cons: It costs money and I don't have any, so I would need some kind of advising since I'm not really good with money. I would need to find other people to work with me, which could be hard to find and pay. It would be really hard to have to work on everything.


So that's it. I'm mostly hesitating between 2 and 3, honestly. It could be tempting to do research, but I suppose it isn't my forte. I suppose the less crazy option would be 2. Maybe I could work for 2 or 3 years in a big company, and then when I pay off my debts I can take another loan and start my company or something like that? I need to see how these things work... anyway, I will have to work hard! lol

Oh, and I'm also thinking whether going to Toronto to be close to Eason or staying in Montreal. Economically there are reasons to go to Toronto, but Montreal has more video games companies. Hmmm... Let's see...

What People Think Of Me

"salut beau petit mec......"
"tu est cute mec..."
"belle keu mec"
"interessant........."
"u down to get sucked......"
"do you like older stocky masc men..."
"hey salut wow tres s......"
"Bonjour j'aime ton profil..."

I keep getting these messages. Seriously, THEY'RE FUCKING ANNOYING! I just want to remove my profiles on these websites, but sometimes I keep talking to a few friends I made over there, who are relatively nice. But I'm thinking of still getting away from this.

The only advantage of this is "to get sex whenever I want". And who knows when I will want to have sex? So I suppose I should keep these profiles just in case, and try to get away from all the weird remarks about me...

9/10 Can someone do something about this?

That was Victor's comment on a video about someone against gay rights.

So, can someone do something about all social problems? Yes, I will.

It sounds like a really strong and impossible statement. But it is possible. I have a working solution. The problem is how to implement this solution. How to change the society from the present "bad" to a future "good". That's what I will have to work on all my life.

So far, what have I done? I have done this blog, which reflects my quite honest thoughts over time on various subjects. I have a few people who have said or thought that I was an incredible person. I have at least one person who thinks that I can make the world a better place. And I have myself.

That's pretty much all I have. No one actually support me, but I have Khanh who usually argues with me. I also have everyone around me who I can observe and who help me test my hypotheses. But I don't have funding to complete my researches, I don't have a clear and working plan, and I don't have people who tell me that I should keep doing all of this. So I'm sometimes losing motivation.

But I suppose I gain my motivation back when I look at all the people around me who feel forced to say they believe in stuff, who feel forced to lie all the time, and who feel forced to influence others.

I thought of applying these into my field of study (video games). For example, I want to do a paper on influence (manipulation) in video games. So I'm reading a lot of stuff on influence and I think it is completely related and essential to my main goal.

So I can't do much right now, because I'm still stuck in this capitalist society. But I will use any opportunity to think and elaborate on how to make this world a better place. Hopefully one day I can focus on this. And hopefully I will make a difference. But maybe the world is not ready for it yet...

8/31 Beliefs Are Lies

In some ways, beliefs are just lies. When someone says "I believe in God", it's just a fucking lie. They know they can't "believe" in God because God doesn't exist, but they are made by others around them to lie in order to fit in society or the group around them. So it's a lie. They know from rational inner thought that God doesn't exist, but they can't say so. They end up saying they believe it. But they don't.

So in some ways the problem isn't that they believe in something or something else (because they don't believe in anything) but that they lie. They keep telling lies about everything.

Now is the next question: How do you stop people from lying?

That should keep me busy for some time. But open-governments, lack of privacy and destruction of capitalism are probably some interesting solutions. And they are on their way.

8/30 Don't Give Up

So I got this unexpected text from Khanh today:

"Eventhough you're not pretty [we were joking about how pretty I am] I still think you're beautiful inside... More beautiful than you can imagine!!!
That's more important than skin deep beauty"

Well people say these kind of things all the time, but the difference here is that Khanh is completely honest. So it kind of means a lot to me.

I don't think I'm grown up yet, I still have lots of things to figure out. But I think I'm quite different from others. I can be rational on everything because I am free of beliefs/influences. It is a strong statement and anyone could argue it is not true, and they would be right. It is just a state I have been trying to reach but I gave up. See my previous post.

And then Victor on facebook said "Enjoy, Francis! You will do well." referring to my new school term. A comment from him is always a good thing for me, for some reason I have already talked about in a previous post (see the "Longest Day" or something like that, and maybe others about Adrienne...? sorry I'm too lazy to get it back for you! lol)

These comments make me feel like I shouldn't give up. Maybe what I have been trying to achieve will eventually result in something good for humanity. Maybe if I keep suffering then I will finally find the truth? Well, I already have some kind of "truth" about how this world works (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read all of my posts! lol or look at those tagged "important" ;) ) It is highly complicated so I would need much more time to have it written down (about ten years?), but no one wants me to tell them "what I think the truth is". Many refuse to accept it, for many different reasons. And that is exactly what I did in my last post. I sort of refused that this truth could work in this world.

But you know what? I'll try again. Yes I will "force myself to believe" in the stuff I wrote in my last post, but that is because I need to survive in this fucked up society. I don't like being part of a group, but this is one I can't avoid. But on the other side, this is just to make me survive longer in this society. It's to keep me healthy and wealthy. In some ways, it's like a game, an act. I will have two personalities. One will be the rational/nihilist/realist person I have always been, and the other will be the same person, but with a so-called "positive attitude" towards everything. I will keep the true me here on this blog, but if you meet me or talk to me I will have to behave as the positive one, because you are expecting me to act that way...

Maybe I should work on that special blog/project I was talking about. Maybe there is some hope in it. At least that's what I got from some encouragements I got today! So let's just half give up. Because some people are relying on me to change this world, because they couldn't.

And yes, it could seem pretentious, but then again, if you read my blog and try to understand me, you'll see it isn't.