11/19 Stuff

I'm not sure why, but I feel fucking sad since a few days... wanna cry or something, but I don't have enough feelings, so I end up here...

Well, I started having sex a little bit lately. With Khanh on Halloween, then... oh yeah, an asian guy (cool guy, but he didn't reply to me tonight lol), then Monday morning with Lucca (the 60yo guy who gives me money!), then last night with this Hugo. It was actually a LOT of fun. We had sex 2 times and a half, talked a lot in the bed, and it was loving/passionate sex, which I haven't had in a while. He really liked me, so we'll probably see each other again, but anyway.

And then tonight I decided to go see a guy who gave me the wrong address on Thursday (and I waited for half an hour and surprisingly I think I was pissed off...) and... well, he was in a hurry, so all he wanted was for me to suck him... WTF!! You want me to suck you? And what do I get? Do I look like a prostitute? Where's my money? And, well, I did it, cuz there was nothing else to do... but I don't like sucking, and he didn't want to do anything else... oh shit, I hope he didn't enjoy it...

Anyway, I think I like somewhat older men, not because they're old, but because they're smarter than most people of my age. For example, Khanh is the smartest person I know, and then there's Adrienne for example. These people are really smart and I have fun with them because of that. People in my class are just a bunch of kids. They think they know everything but in fact I know everything about each of them. I remember everything they've said, everything they've done, and so I know everything they think. Even the most complicated people in my class are still average to figure out. I suppose the older people get around me and the harder it will be to understand them (see it as a tree that grows branches all the time, so there are more branches in an older tree).

Anyway, I think I hate people for being stupid. I suppose it's something like "well if I can be smart as I am, you can too, just start thinking instead of believing all the shit people say around you." Oh well...

I'm around 180lbs now, kinda cool considering I was 160 when school started. It's around 2lbs every week. I was wondering why I was working out, and I think it's some kind of achievement thing. My workout program was really descriptive and stuff, so I was motivated to follow it. But there's one week left and I don't have the motivation anymore lol

I think I miss being able to love someone and getting love back from that person. I need a lover. Eason? Well, he's away, haven't seen him for two months, and he's not sure he's coming for Christmas (because of work and because his uncle and aunt want him for Christmas... lol fuck you...) Spending Christmas alone (with my family) is a huge disappointment, just like last year, and now I'm getting stressed out about it again :( I suppose I don't want to go back alone. Omg, just thinking about it makes me super stressed out, so I should stop... :/

As for school, I don't know what to do. It's getting really boring, I'm really losing my time and I don't like it. And plus, it's stressful. I mean, all the projects/homework we have to do, and none are actually useful, they're just a waste of time... it's all stupid... So what should I do? Keep doing something I don't like for a few months until I have a diploma that might help me? Start looking for a job and stop my studies? Or stop studying and start my company. Anyway, I have a debt I can't forget, since I can't start a company without money... And all that shit. it's scaring me out.

So uh, yeah... I need a sugar daddy. Or I need money. And sadly that means I need to work in a company... which I don't really want to do... :(

urgh... I hate life.

and that's it, gonna go back to these stupid homework...