Yesterday Khanh asked me for my keys of his apart, and since I was going to the gym, I decided I would bring them to him. When I got there, he was on his bed, almost crying. It was because of his money problems (he resigned from his job and wants to wait until January before working). He was kind of wanting to kill himself (don't think he was that serious), but... what do you say? what was I supposed to say? it's not like people shouldn't kill themselves. It's just a lie if you say "no, don't do it, because..." And I don't lie, so I didn't help him that way.
I went back to my place to get some stuff to study at his place, because he wanted me to stay over. When I came back he seemed perfectly happy, not depressed anymore. We ate pasta and everything. Anyway.
My problems? Well, we talked about them. We just raised more questions and didn't answer any of those I had.
My future? What's my future? What am I gonna do in my future? What's gonna happen to me in 8 months? What's gonna happen to me today? And yes I'm ready to do whatever comes, like I've always been doing... but... I'm tired of losing my time. I'm tired of going to school, study things I already know or that any relatively smart mind could figure out, listen to stupid professors who know what they teach is shit, doing projects that don't make me learn anything but just stresses me out for no good reason. I'm tired of building a "future" that will enable me to lose my time trying to get money and be happy with it. I'm tired of trying to build a relationship that will never satisfy me and is just gonna end too soon. I'm tired of making friends that I don't get along with because they always lie and I just simply hate everyone. I'm tired of having projects to help the world when everything gets in my way: school, work, money, bf, friends, etc.
I wanted to start a company because I thought I could finally be able to do whatever I wanted to do without any constraint. But it's not true. If I do a company, I need to influence banks to give me money, influence people to give me money and buy my games, influence my coworkers to work on my games and to stay with me, influence my friends and bf to stay with me to support me when I need it, etc. I have goals, there are things I want to do and others I need, and to do so my only option is to influence people. I have to influence people to like me. Or else 'll never accomplish anything.
But I clearly don't want to do that. I don't want to lie about myself or anything else, I don't want to influence anyone to do anything for me. If you don't want to help me out, then don't. But then there is absolutely no reason at all why people help each others if it isn't from an influence. You help people around you BECAUSE they are around you, BECAUSE they are part of the same group, BECAUSE you like them. What about me? I'm not in any group, and I don't want to ever be in one. I don't want to help people of my city, or people of my country, or people who have the same beliefs as me, or anyone, but I want to help EVERYONE. Just like I'm not part of any category except the everyone category.
Anyway, it's not like anything has been solved right now. I still don't know what I should do of my life. Eason might seem completely honest, in fact he lies to himself. That's how he goes through life. Khanh has changed a lot lately because of me. He realized that he's been lying to himself, and he's starting to see the world as it really is. Hence, he's getting depressed too. Yesterday I came around and he was really happy, because he loves me ("love" as in "love" as in "whatever this might mean") and having someone like me who really cares about him makes him feel better.
I wanted to say more but my brain is much faster than my typing, so I'm gonna switch topic: I want to ask Eason what he would think if I was to move to Toronto with him. "You know, I'd really like to move to Toronto if I could live with you." is the best line I've come up with. It's only an idea that I bring here (with the "you know") But maybe it sounds like I know he doesn't want me to live with him, which is half-true. I never asked him, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to live with someone else. So maybe something like "Wouldn't that be great if we lived together?" which, in some ways, is less direct but still seems superficial. Maybe "I wish someday we could live together in Toronto :)" to which I might not get any answer at all to my real question... or... "Do you want to include me in your new place?" because he is thinking about finding a new place to live. Or a longer version, combining other stuff... "You know, if you are thinking about moving, then couldn't we find a place to live together in Toronto?" to which I'm gonna get a big "NO!" lol urgh, I'm already expecting the answer, no matter how I ask it... I'm just trying to change the question so that he's influenced to feel no pressure about it and no rush... "You know, if I move to Toronto it would be to live with you, but I don't even know what you think about it..." Maybe that's it? I'm clearly expecting a negative answer, but at least I'll get it and stop worrying about it. And I'm just asking what he thinks about it, I'm not forcing him to do anything. or am I? Anyway, I should just give it a try, and worry until the end of the day when he's gonna answer me...
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