Sometimes I wonder if my way of looking around me isn't pure nihilism. But whatever, I've been wondering if I should try again to deconstruct everything I've come up until now. I've tried it a little bit before, I've tried to have beliefs (and I clearly need to talk about it a little more) but I want to destroy the fact that beliefs are bad. I want to try and see if living in beliefs and lies is rationally logical or if it isn't working. I don't have my motivation to do so yet, but I suppose I could say "everyone believes, so should I"... Should I? Or should I keep being the antagonist of society?
I will take back the list of beliefs I came up with a month ago (see "8/26 I Have To Believe") and come up with changes/comments.
1. Fun
I don't really think I've been having any fun at all. I'm not saying that stuff I do in my life is horrible, stressful and annoying, but it's just "things I do in my life", and nothing else. I forgot to put the "fun factor" on it, and in the end, it probably isn't necessary to believe in fun. The only fun I can remember is the "fun of love", the fun of being loved by someone (but not necessarily of loving someone, because I can't say if I don't love others only to be loved in return or if I love them because I'm having this fun from love from them...) I've got love from Eason (and at the same time I had fun having sex with him, but that wasn't because of the sex, but because of the love), from my family, from Khanh and maybe Adrienne, and that's it. These people love me for who they think I am, and since they kind of know me well, I feel loved from them.
A. Love that I receive from people make me feel better about myself.
(is that really some kind of fun? lol maybe it's the wrong category :P )
2. Money
You can already remove this one, because I don't want to believe in money anymore. I want to start my own company without making any money, and I don't care if people don't like it, if they tell me I should make a living, etc. Fuck them. Does that mean I believe in anti-capitalism? Not really, I do think I need money to pay for stuff and that capitalism is helping a lot of people, I just don't believe any sides of the medal.
3. Friendship
Now that I think everyone is stupid (because I'm "smarter" than them and understand them too easily), it's hard for me to have friendships, so I've kinda lost interest for that. I'm not gonna stop talking to others, but I'm not gonna force myself to please them to be their friends.
My goal isn't to make as many friends as possible, but just to be myself.
4. Physical Appearance
Haha, this one is probably the one I'm gonna keep the most :) Probably because I believe in life? (like in I believe I want to live healthy)
B. I will work out regularly and eat a lot of food because it will make me into a more muscular build.
C. I will wash and take care of my skin and teeth and everything, everyday, because... why? because I want people to compliment me on "good" changes? yeah, I think that's it.
5. A Better Future
This one is new, but it's probably because I forgot about it. It's kind of why I'm making this blog, why I keep thinking about all these stuff, about people, about our world.
D. I believe I can make this world a better place for everyone.
Strong and general statement, I agree, but that's why sometimes I'm so engaged in something and the next day I say something completely opposed. I want to find a TRUE way to make the world a better place, I don't want to believe in solutions that would never work. For example, I don't believe that "getting rid of beliefs would save the world", because as soon as I find something that doesn't work with that, I will reject the idea and try to find another one. And I will keep doing it all the time.
So, I believe in four things. Two are quite personal, two are more universal. Let's see how it goes like this.
Do I really need to deconstruct what I've just deconstructed, or should I just wait naturally that it happens like it does all the time with me? :)
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