12/2 Being Rejected

In some ways I don't know if I hate being rejected or if I'm okay with it. It sounds weird, so I'm gonna get deeper into it.

I get rejected all the time. Just tonight, as I was supposed to go to Rodrigo's place, he said he had to stay at work a bit longer... so... I assume he wouldn't have time for me tonight. Well, it's okay, it's all part of life, he has his obligations, and is not always in the mood to spend time with me. And for that, I am understandable.

Where it gets sad is afterwards. Right now, I feel sad about being home alone. I guess I was expecting more tonight. I don't even want to do anything, because all I want is something good to happen to me. What I mean is that I will not try to talk to Rodrigo until he talks to me back, tomorrow or the day after or any other day. I feel like I have been rejected completely and that the only way to not feel rejected is for him to come back at me. Like if you didn't reject me then show it.

I know it's completely absurd, but I can't get away from that feeling. I don't mind if people don't like me, but if they do, then they have to show me. Looking at the hype cycle ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hype_cycle ), I'm at the "Trough of Disillusionment" phase. I was expecting so much but now realized it wouldn't be happening. Hence, I'm sad, want to give up everything, and just waiting for things to settle down to the next phase. Lame.

I just finished watching Witness: Disaster in Japan about the March 11th earthquake and tsunami. Quite interesting (if you forget the cheesy background soundtrack). I think I was just has disturbed by it than I am right now thinking about it. I mean, it didn't necessarily affect me personally, yet I do understand (read feel) how hard it was for the people there, or everyone related to these incidents.

I remember when Adrienne cancelled her classes, it made me really panic. Most of the time I'm looking at things really rationally, and I wanted to continue my life as it was, talking about what happened in Japan with a rational point of view. Butt she brought chaos by cancelling her classes and everything. Anyway, she had teach-ins instead, which were much more useful than stupid classes, but still it made me a bit more confused than what I already was.

It's kinda weird, but most of the time I feel bad about making myself happy. I just don't like to be happy. Why can I be happy if so many people are suffering? Yet, when something "happy" comes into my life (e.g. love) I just want it all mine. Weird.

I was talking about it last week with Sumi, but when I was young I was bullied quite a lot. I could never play with others because they didn't want me in their teams. I actually don't know why. I was shy, so I wasn't really popular I guess. And I suppose the fact that no other family was poorer than mine has something to do with it. Anyway, it's complicated, my mind is getting tired, so I think I will stop here.

I wanna cry but I'm too tired to do so. And I don't want to feel like I'm crying because I've been rejected once more. I thought I didn't mind being rejected by others, that I was being used to it, and that I knew that everyone is different so it's normal for someone to not like me. But I'm still getting tired of it. And that's probably why I want someone to love me, to NOT reject me.

I'm watching Peanuts, and Lucie is always bullying others. Like one said in a youtube comment, "she's a bitch". Well, yeah, she is. And there is nothing fun in it. It isn't fun to be bullied.

It's just like my theory of groups, where I've never been part of a group before because I was not accepted in them, but then I started not wanting to be part of a group, because I couldn't be myself anymore. Hence I found out that being in a group is not a good thing since it makes you believe in the group beliefs, and you then lose your rationality. And I think my force lies in this wanting to be all by myself and not have anyone decide on me.

I wonder, am I crazy or am I so smart that I found all the social problems of the world? In some ways, this blog is for people (and me) to realize that I am not crazy. or maybe I can't even realize that what I'm writing down here is made by a crazy brain. It might looks completely logical to me, and to most people, but maybe some psychologist will be able to find my mental disease that makes me unable to see the mistakes in my way of thinking. Anyway, I want to be extremely honest in here so that these people will decide for whatever mental disease I might have. If not, then what I wrote here is so honest that it is true. I do make mistakes, even in my most honest moments, but as I read back my posts I add "edit notes". So is it that I don't have the knowledge to understand what I'm talking about? Or is it that I keep repeating the fucking same ideas from oh so many different perspective and all in so much honesty that there needs to be at least someone else to recognize that this isn't bullshit but fucking plain truth about our world and our societies?

Is someone gonna recognize me? Well, a few have. But many more think I'm crazy and say bullshit all the time. And from a rational point of view, if I'm diagnosed crazy by so many people, then it has to mean something.