Hi nobody guys!
Trying to finish that post from last time. Hopefully it'll work!
So I spent the whole week relaxing (well watching the TV series Alias). As much as it did get me rid of my stress from my job hunting, I still fear to go to sleep. Well, I end up sleeping pretty well thanks to my pills, but I doubt it could be used forever.
I invited Khanh to a bar on Tuesday. It went pretty well, I drank a lot, we talked about a lot of stuff, like moving together in July. And when we left I did something I'm extremely proud of myself. I went to the metro station.
I actually wanted to stay at his place, sleep with him in his bed, without having sex. I thought this would help me to sleep better, since I'm thinking my problem might be related to my loneliness (or, in other words, for my despise of people). But instead, I solved a problem in my head: Khanh will just be a friend. Nothing more, nothing else. I will not try to pursue anything else with him, even if this might make him happy.
Yesterday I finally told this Sebastien that I wasn't interested in him. It was, in fact, a way to tell him screw off. He kept sending me several text messages EVERY day, with no exception. Obviously, this is an annoying behavior, and as much as I wanted to keep calm about it, it annoyed me. And since I have no intention to have a friend like this, and since friends is really the only thing he could ever be, which is not what he had in mind when he first met me, breaking this thing up was a necessary step. Just like I did a few days ago with Yifan.
And then there is this Jean-Francois I slept with some time around New Year's Eve. Well, we met again, he came to my place to do something I won't write here or else it might help you to figure out who I am, but we didn't sleep together. I actually wasn't sure if he wanted to or not, but it seems like he didn't want to. Man I don't get it at all, but it's okay, I prefer if he's just a friend. Which I don't know if it will actually happen...
Well, there are other stuff that happened too, but I don't feel like writing about them. It's kinda boring and not so useful.
It's funny how I always come back to this: beliefs. My theory is that no one really believes in anything, but that people say they do, for various reasons. Because some of these so-called beliefs are repeated between different people, we come to think that these sayings might be true. I will skip examples like that of religion, since it is clearly too easy to identify the false belief around it, and I will talk about one that has been messing me around for the past year at least: Love. Love is not an object, it is not a fact, it is merely a belief. Human beings believe in love. Love has always been a feeling of pleasure when spending time with another person (once again a belief triggered from physical pleasure). But when two people say they love each other, or are in love, all they do is tell about their belief in love. But what they can't understand is that love is a creation to explain their desire for pleasures that this relationship gives, e.g. having sex, having someone to take care of yourself, someone to talk to, etc. (note that these are also beliefs that could be seen as needs for physical well-being)
What I'm trying to say here is that the "love is everywhere, hence it has to be true" argument doesn't hold. There is absolutely no difference between love and religions. Both are beliefs created by human beings. Our societies have started to see problems about religions, so some are skeptical about its true nature. Has someone seen problems with love? Well, yes. Some have, me for example. Should we keep going with this false definition of love, and have the belief in every part of our societies so that all it can do is getting spread through simple minded people who do not understand that love is only a belief?
So why am I talking about love? Well, I think it's pretty obvious. I've tried to believe in love. What did I get from it? Nothing. Love doesn't exist. And no, the argument "you haven't met love yet because you were not lucky" is complete stupidity. I have tried to feel and experience the so-called "love", but by doing so I have realized that it wasn't a consistent and logical truth. Love is only a belief. You will think you experience it only if you believe in it. But if you don't believe in love, I can swear to you it will never "come" to you, just like it never came to me while I was being rational. If the only possible way for love to exist is to believe in it, then it doesn't exist. So we should stop talking about love, and start thinking about physical needs.
And this relates to my life, as I should stop being blinded by all of my friends, by all of the people around me, by all the media, and stop thinking that love might be true, as it isn't. I have physical needs, and realizing them being alone will be hard, but at least it will be true.
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