1/24 I Am So Tired

Hi non-existent readers!

Damn I'm so tired. You know I said I was having insomnia? Well I went to buy some pills, and... well, two days ago, I took one pill before sleeping and bam! I woke up in such a good mood! But last night, I took on, didn't work. Then I took another one, but no effect either. At 5am I ate something, my body was so tired but I wasn't able to sleep. I decided to take a third pill, so around 5:30-6am I finally started to sleep. And I woke up at 11 I think... So I'm just like fucking tired right now...

So what's causing me this insomnia? Well, that's a really good question. And I don't tell anybody about it. I actually don't want to talk about it on here, but I feel like I don't have a choice if I want to get better. Or maybe I don't want to get better... anyway, let's try.

So you remember when Rodrigo "broke up"? and then Khanh was pissed off. Well, this is still on my mind. It's been a little bit more than a month.

I don't really know where to start. It's just so confusing. I usually am able to put order in my brain, but this time it's like I don't want to... I probably don't want to accept the truth.

Khanh came back a few days ago from vacations, and he gave me this necklace. I really like it, I wear it all the time. And it reminds me of how much I love him. But Khanh loves me too. I mean, he would probably be so happy if I was his boyfriend. And I'd be happy too, that's for sure. But the problem is that I am not physically attracted to him. So whenever we have sex, I want to go away. Well, I suppose I could start to see past this and just TRY. I mean, it's not like I could find the perfect guy. Everyone has its imperfections. So I could try to live with these imperfections. But I don't want to.

I've been looking at Rodrigo as a perfect man for me. He sure isn't, but I was sexually attracted, he was nice to me, I really enjoyed spending time with him, so I felt like this was exactly the kind of guy I was looking for. It's also the first time I realized I preferred older guys, because they are more mature, settled down, etc. But the truth is, Rodrigo doesn't love me. Or maybe, maybe he does but is not smart enough to figure it out. In which case, it's just the exact same thing as a no. But anyway, this isn't the problem. The problem is that I'm still waiting for him to get back to me. I talked to him a little bit on facebook the other day. Anyway, he's making it obvious, without saying it directly, that he doesn't love me.

Ok, I think I'll take a break. Like a vacation. And like a week. I really need some time to relax and get better, my insomnia is not gonna go away if I keep stressing out, and my jobs opportunities are not gonna fly away if I relax for one week. So let's go play Zelda a little bit! :) I'll continue this post later...