3/20 What's this shit all about

So, what's this shit all about? What's this blog all about? Why do I keep being down? Why am I not motivated for anything?

I suppose this blog is a search for myself. While most people take things as granted, I have to find everything on my own. I think the most difficult one is about love.

What is love? I still have no clue. People seem to be able to have it, yet I doubt love is different from affection even in their cases. Is it because I've never experienced it, or can't experience it, or is it that I'm smarter than most people and know love doesn't really exist? As much as I'd like to say that the answer is the latter, I think I have to define myself in relation with others.

So I am myself. That I've got proof of it. Being myself, the world (and mine) revolves around me and my life. It is myself only who has power of my life. My life is good, anyone else who is not me is doing something wrong. There are good people, people who don't do bad things too often, and bad people, those who do bad things all the time.

What is good and bad? Well, nothing. Hence saying that one person is good over someone else is irrational. But... I do feel like some people are better than others. Yeah, I know, I suck...

For example, my roommate's girlfriend, Anais, had a problem with her laptop. So she was really stressed out and would call Guillaume, my roommate, and would cry that her laptop was not working and that she was desperate. That kind of attitude, I don't like it. I believe there are many more important things in the world than your own little life having a stupid problem. And I believe people like this are part of a category of "bad people".

Obviously, everyone is egocentric at one point or another. The problem is when that person's egocentrism is an inherent quality (性質). And people with this kind of personality are, from my point of view, hurting feelings of other people.

It might sound stupid, but when I feel bad, I know it is because something IS bad. For example, when two people fight, when Daishi hit me, when Anais is pissed off because of Guillaume's funny comment, I feel bad inside. I feel like I don't want to be there anymore. I feel like this is not a place I should be, I'm encountering something that doesn't fit me. I want to leave, I want all of that to stop, but I can't do anything. All I do in these situations is escape. I always try to avoid drama. Why? Because drama is bad. I know it is. I mean, drama is about creating something bad out of nothing, just for the fun of it. Well, it isn't fun, and it isn't good since it is bad. Hence drama is bad (lol).

Christian was making a lot of drama all the time. I broke up. Daishi was making drama when I told him I wanted to have sex with others, I broke up. Fan made drama all the time, and even if it wasn't related to me (he would let me do whatever I want without saying anything), I know causing drama like this isn't good. But this is not why I broke up. I don't actually remember why I broke up with Fan. Because he was too present in my life and I needed some time for myself? I think that's it...

Why do I need a boyfriend? WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED OR WANT A BOYFRIEND??? Seriously, I have no clue at all. To have someone to hug, kiss? Well, I can do that super quickly on Manhunt. To have someone you can share everything with? Well, I think so. That's probably what I'm looking for... right? So then, I am looking for that person who is gonna read my blog and understand all of it and will be interested in me? lol don't give me crap, it's 1) never gonna happen and 2) a stupid idea I have. I should get back to Earth... So I should say goodbye Andy and forget all about him... well I can't really forget stuff, but I can tell myself that there's no way it's gonna work out...

I'm currently having a long discussion with Brent, a friend from school. I should probably copy/past it here! :)

me: hmmm... trying to answer questions about myself... have you ever had a boyfriend?

brent: Meh, sort of, but it was always long-distance and we only met after we broke up
But I'm pretty keen about thinking about people and personalities

me: lol, what can you say about me?

brent: I don't know you well enough, francis
Depends on the question though

me: hahaha
but I don't know... I feel like the only use for me to have a boyfriend would be to have someone who would understand me, but the only way for someone to "understand" me would be for me to talk about who I am, which is stupid since I can do that with anyone (but I don't lol)
so, Brent, why do you want or not want to have a boyfriend?

brent: Isn't that a narrow way of seeing things?
I can understanding not liking to talk about one self, but I don't buy that you are incapable of it
not for a second

me: no no, I am capable, I just don't want to do it

brent: The question is are you thinking about yourself and who you are?
In that case, I think you're running from an amazing potential to grow up

me: hmm, not sure I get what you're saying...

brent: I thought I was pretty clear
Do you self-reflect?
if you're brooding this much about who you are, I suppose you do XD

me: yeah lol so it's a bad thing? how am I supposed to grow up by not doing so?

brent: I think talking about who you are is important as a way of verbalizing your thoughts. If you find people are willing to talk about it, I think you gain amazing insight
I think adulthood is mostly about having an awareness of how you affect others, really
self-reflection about who are you, what you like, and what you want to do i think is integral to that
talking about that with others just helps speed things up
As for why I want a boyfriend? besides amazing sex, it's probably a growth thing, too. I want to feel needed and wanted, but I also want to see the ways I can affect that person postively, because I know I have a lot to offer
the mechanisms behind being understood aren't hard. It's just that it's sometimes hard to find people who have enough experiences that allow them to tap into the same wavelength as you

me: yeah, I think I have people around me who I can talk about my "life problems" and I learn from them (with extreme care, I know speech transforms good ideas into somewhat not so good ones...) But then I don't see why I need someone else than my friends...
as for relationships, I do not want to be needed and I can have sex all the time...

brent: If only all of us could be so lucky! lol

me: hahaha, I got bored of sex
I can't do it anymore, seriously... all I do is lay down and wait...

brent: lol
Lay down and wait?
lol to cum?
or what
meh, i can understand being bored of bad sex, but I think with passion, love, and devotion, it's hard to get too tired of

me: yeah, well I feel like I have to cum since the other person is waiting for me to do something lol but I don't do it out of pleasure... so I stopped having sex and don't feel like it...
hmmm... I don't think I believe in (selfish) love, so it's gonna be hard for me lol

brent: selfish love?

me: like "not altruist" love
love to only one person and not everyone...

brent: Francis sometimes your world view is so strange to me XD

me: hahaha

brent: I try my best to be an altruist, but I don't believe romantic love necessarily negates that
Romantic love is just a different color of love, with a different intensity

me: I do believe in love, but you know, I love you Brent as much as I love my mom and all the boyfriends I had, and my dogs, and my socks and the alien in the next galaxy... so I probably don't love anyone since I don't have any difference of feeling for anyone...
And adding romance to it makes me think it is fake... since it's only an emotion, it is not a fact, so it is not true... (omg, I'm starting to be emotionless...)

brent: Yikes, Francis how did you start thinking in such dogmatic terms XD
I still don't understand how you got the conclusion of sekai heiwa either
And I haven't done anything to earn the love you have for your mother. That should be up there
wayyy above any love you have for me

me: hahahahaha, seriously it is not. when I think about my mom I have the same feeling of when I think about you (i.e. both are nice person I like talking to sometimes, don't other times, like to learn from, don't like some of the things they do, etc. etc.) Maybe that's not considered as love, but I just want to hug my mom and you for no other reason that I am glad you both are part of my life. And I could say the same thing for anyone (or at least most of my friends)
I love you Brent!!! lol

brent: lol, love you too francis XD
Now suck my coxx!
kidding! lool

me: But I'm starting to be more and more nihilist... which isn't a good or a bad thing, just an understanding of my way of thinking...
haha, no sex please~~ lol

brent: I suppose. by nature I reject nihilism completely, but that's mostly because I haven't bothered to laern about it

me: haha

brent: for someone who's preaching that we give up belief, you sure sound like a hardliner XD

me: I suppose my point of view is closer to moral nihilism, but sometimes I don't really know what's the difference
I think moral nihilism is about not being influenced by opinions in general and being able to see that events happening in life are neither good nor bad since they are only events and do not bear any emotion...

brent: Oh, I see, I sort of get why you said what you did then
and exactly why Hasegawa sensei totally disagrees

me: but my speech isn't nihilist, I'm not completely nihilist (yet).

brent: Why do you want to be one?
You make it sound like it's some sort of membership club that you long to join

me: well when a friend told me that "I've always been a little bit nihilist" some ten years ago, I couldn't care less. I've been trying to have a normal life like everyone else, but seriously, I have been unable to do so. I mean, I would lie to myself, saying stuff that were not true, just so that I could make myself in society, kind of... I think most people do that without realizing it, and believe it is good since it is what everyone does (e.g. rape is bad so we shouldn't do it because it is bad and no other reason). So I decided to just be truthful to myself and not be influenced by other people (I did have some kind of "traumatizing" experience I guess...) Anyway, in the end, the more I think about the way I think and things I did in the past, I realize it coincides exactly with nihilism. So I'm like "oh, so I was doing something nihilist without even knowing it!"
and so now most of what I do/think can be related to nihilism, so I'm thinking I might just be nihilist in the end. That's more simple that way. But there is a contradiction for a nihilist to say he is a nihilist, so I can't say either I am one or not

brent: Meh
What's with the return to your past actions though?
Then again, maybe I think I have a clue.

me:oh, it's just thinking back about stuff I did

brent: people tend to regress and think about their past, if not identify and idealize with their past selves usually as a result of some sort of trauma
it's a form of navigation of that trauma. A good deal of people stay in that past though and never grow. that's the more unfortunate outcome, but if you can work out your trauma, it can be good
Again, I suppose we'll disagree on what's "good", but I'm going from the psychoanalytical viewpoint here

me: hmmm, I'd say it's more looking at my past to know more about the actions I did and be able not to make the same mistakes, so be a better person in the future
I think I always get into a better person, so I don't think of my past as something I want to go back in
but anyway, tell me if you have to go study or get sleep!!

brent: I'm okies, still working
Hrm, you just confused me
didn't you just say you looked back in your past and said that those actions were nihilistic?
And if your mistakes were tied to your nihilism, wouldn't it be better to move away from that?

me: no no, it's like I kept saying "I love you" to my first bf, but I didn't love him (or at least not with that kind of love), and I realize I was being nihilist of not loving him but yet wasn't truthful to him, so now I can be (more nihilist) and stop telling people that I "love" them when it isn't necessarily true
like I've always thought almost like a nihilist, but I didn't act as one. Now that I look back on these situations, I realize the difference between my thoughts and my actions, and see that I was nihilist in mind but not in physical life. Now I can learn from that and be completely nihilist... or is it what I want? do I have a choice since it is who I am? should I lie to myself and all others in order to be "normal" and have a normal life?

brent: Hrm
Well, Francis, I suppose it's alright to be a nihilist if that's what you want
I'm such an emotional person that I can't imagine thinking that way
How about Christina? You wrote an entire long essay how about much you love her?
I don't see you incapable of love at all

me: haha, I'm still a bit emotional I guess But I could write that for anyone... the more I know someone, the more I spend time with that person, and the more stuff I can say, but it doesn't mean I love her more than you (so don't be jealous! lol)
well it's this kind of altruist love...

brent: Lol, I'm not particularly jealous

me: (but it's not that I necessarily want to be nihilist, it's just that it's who I mostly am, and I want to be myself, not a product of other people)

brent: Is your nihilism a defense mechanism against something?

me: maybe

brent: I'll go ahead and say probably XD

me: I never thought of it that way, so I can't really answer...
hmmm... I'll have to investigate! thanks Brent for bringing that up

brent: also ironic is the fact that Nihilism is also a product of other people
The thing about a lot of teens who get interested in Nihilism and Ayn-Rand-ism is that they are often looking for a simple way of looking at life so they can defend themselves from both the beauty and complexity of human interaction

me: I think nihilism is not about making things simple, but about looking at them from every angle and do not believe it is more one thing than another. In my case, it is something fucking hard and long to do...
but no matter what people tell me, it doesn't make any sense to me until I really start thinking about it from different perspectives...

brent: don't you just have too much free time then! XD
I'm kidding. I like to look at different perspectives, too, but I suppose I still trust my gut feeling

me: maybe I don't have guts...?

brent: lol

me: maybe that's all my problem!

brent: Hrm, have you ever talked to a therapist before, Francis?

me: yeah, 3 times I think... about some stupid suicide I tried to do when I was 10...

brent: I wouldn't suggest "counselors", because they suck. I learned a lot from Psychotherapists because they teach you a lot
Meh, I considered the whole suicide thing a crazy number of times before when I was younger. Still unraveling why that impulse was so strong

me: are you saying I have a problem? but I'd prefer just read a book on psychology or talk to a friend about a specific point than have to tell all the long story of my life just to understand stuff that all my friends can tell me if I ask them (just like you did tonight). I'm writing a personal blog with all this stuff, it keeps record of it and makes me see progress (well I hope so )
well at that time my suicide thing was just to get some attention (hard when you're one of five kids and don't have many friends...)

brent: Yeah, it was the same case here
Meh, to be honest I think we all have problems
to varying degrees. I just tend to like talk therapy and talking about feelings and drives
I talk and process my feelings a lot, though, so traditional talk therapy wasn't as useful for me. but if you don't like to/don't have the opportunity to talk about your feelings and beliefs with a lot of people, a psychotherapist can help

me: well I'm writing this blog, if I ever go see a therapist s/he would have to read all my blog first!

brent: some will
traditional treatment is about 6months to a year, if not longer, so they have time to learn about you

me: but I really do think I am smart enough to answer my questions by myself and the stuff I get from other people around me. I'm not saying a therapist wouldn't help, it would but at the same time just talking to you for an hour and a half (already lol) is as useful, but much more practical!