So I think it's time for a little update on my life... A lot happened in the last month, so it's gonna take forever...
First, Daishi came. I thought it would be awesome, that we'd have a real great time, but it didn't happen. He was still pissed off by me, and was expecting me to behave as a "host" (someone who brings him everywhere and takes care of him all the time). Well, I tried as much as I could, but it didn't work out. Obviously my tendency to think that nothing is good or wrong makes other people uncomfortable and drives them crazy... for example, he started hitting me, which I wrote on facebook:
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Honesty Brings Violence
So I decided I wanted feedback and so here I am, writing on facebook... anyway...
Today someome hit me (like in punching). I knew that person had some kind of violent behaviour, but I didn't know that people could actually hate me to a point they had to hit me. Not really knowing what to do, I pushed the person and made him sit down. He started crying and without knowing what to say to his accusations, he decided to leave, which is something I actually believed would be good for both of us.
So what caused that? Well, a simple thing but everything at the same time. I said to that person he was racist, as much as I say it to everyone else (because even if one considers themselves as non-racist, everyone is racist about something in the end). What was his reaction? Well, after hitting me multiple times and being seated, he started saying that I was always saying stuff without thinking about other people's feelings and that they always had to be true for me (as in "I believe everything I say is true").
Now, how much of what he said is true? Well, some parts definitely are. I say what I think without thinking about how people will feel, not because I want to hurt them, but because by hiding it, it is a lie and it will hurt the other person some way or another in the future. And I'm sorry for being like this, for not being able to lie about what I think, and for saying things that might hurt people. But if you can't take criticism, if you can't take a friend's remark, if you believe you are not racist and someone tells you you are and it makes you want to hate that person, well, I'm sorry but I think you have a problem. It's called "don't touch my little person" and it's based on the society model of "I possess things that are better than yours therefore I am a better person".
Those who know me know that I don't hate egocentric or capitalist people. Well I don't hate anyone. I am open to be their friends as anyone else. I don't hate people who disagree with my ideas and say I'm the worst person on earth (I actually encourage people to say these things to me as I have a strong personality and it helps to get your frustration out).
Well, what I say is always true because it contains thoughts I have at the momment that are not biased by lies. And here I am not saying that I believe in such or such idea. No no no. I am saying that when I text you saying that I am sick and don't want to go out, it is because I am really sick and really don't want to go out. If I make a speech saying that beliefs bring wars, it is because it is logical in my head and I've thought about it through many different angles and analyzed different situations to come to that conclusion. I think much more than I talk. But sometimes I feel like I have to say it because it is so true and I should share this to other people as it might help them. When I say you are racist, I don't want you to kill yourself, I want you to think over it. Because yes, in my head, there is a logical thought that you are racist, and not telling you would be hiding it, lying about it, and not making you learn anything.
Now here it gets complicated. I forgive people. Anyone. But... today violence was used. And I don't want to forgive people who use violence to express themselves. And to some extent, I am the one who made that violence happen. So logically, by saying what I think, I make violence happen. And I thought being honest would bring peace, not war.
Anyway, I should probably not care too much about it. It is just another example of my theory about world peace (I'll post it on facebook in the following days). Yet it has been a really long time since anyone used violence against me, and I still don't know how to react. Am I supposed to consider physical violence like anything else and forgive the one who did it? Or should I wait or ask that person to apologize? Or should I stop frequenting people with violent behaviours? Or should I learn from it that violence is the key to solve any problem? (haha, that's a nice idea!) And as much as I am looking forward to a world without violence, how do I make that person understand that violence hurts people? (and therefore is wrong, if right and wrong actually do exist...) And what about my honesty bringing violence?
Stephen: We can't go running off our mouths about what we think of people. That just invites disasters to happen. We have the americans as example. The best feedback are the ones where people want to hear.
me: oh, now I get it! that makes a whole bunch of sense, thanks! :) But not so many like criticism, so how are they gonna learn about bad things they do/think/etc? Anyway, I guess they'll never know... :(
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Then I did my speech contest, it was about world peace and that world peace can only be achieved if everyone throw away their beliefs (see my previous post on this). Here is my speech:
世界平和
私の姉が７歳ぐらいの時、自分の誕生日に「世界平和が欲しい」ということを祈りました。私はその時はじめてその言葉を聞いて、『「世界平和」ってなに？』と聞きました。みんなは「世界平和というのは世界中のどこにも戦争がないことだよ。」と答えました。でも、世界平和をもたらすのは、ただ戦争をやめることですか。そうしたら、本当に世界が平和になるでしょうか。
辞書で平和の定義は「一般には国民の状態が戦争や内乱、騒乱などで乱れていないこと」です。他の辞書での定義は「世界中の非暴力の状態」、「人々が敵愾心を持っていない状態」。つまり、定義がどこでも曖昧です。一般的には戦争がなく世界中の人々が幸せな状態でしょう。それができるかどうか、今から話してみます。
世界平和をもたらすための考えはいろいろあります。例えば、全世界が民主主義になるとか、資本主義になるとか、グローバリゼーションや自由貿易などできるようになったら、世界が平和になるという理論もあります。他の考えは孤立主義と内政不干渉の原則で平和になると考える人もいます。戦争が起きたら、互いに原爆で同時に相手を完全に破壊すれば世界が平和になるという極端な考えさえあります。でもそれで本当に戦争をしなくなるか、人々を幸せにするか、疑問です。
全部の考えの基本は政府が戦争をやめるということです。でも、戦争が起こることは政府だけのせいではありません。政府から影響を受けた国民も、戦争がしたくなるのです。全部の戦争は人の集団が他の集団に対して心理的、物質的に上に立とうとするものです。人々が宗教心があるとか、ある国が世界一という信念を持つのは、戦争を作る原因です。だから、こういう人々の信念が今世界に平和がない理由です。
例えば、みんなは宗教の信念を持つことは何も危険はないと思っているかもしれないけれど、二つの宗教があったら、二つの集団が戦争をする可能性が高くなります。ほとんどの宗教は愛と平和を説いているけれど、それを信じる人がいて、自分の宗教のために他の人の宗教を批判する人もいるから、自分の宗教が一番いいと言うために相手と戦うことになります。
宗教ではなく、ナショナリズムを持つ人がいることも戦争が起きる原因です。国民が自分の国の政治を信じて他の国に違う考え方があったら、自分の国の考え方が一番いいことを見せたい国が戦争を始める可能性もあります。政府は国民にその国の信念を伝えるからです。全ての戦争の原因は人々が何かの信念を持つことです。自分で考えてください。
世界に平和をもたらす方法は何でしょうか。それは簡単なことです。全部の信念を捨てることです。それだけ。信念を捨てたら、戦争をする理由がなくなるから、世界は平和になります。「信念を捨てる」というのはどういう意味でしょうか。どうするのでしょうか。信念を捨てるやさしい方法はありません。意志で信念を捨てたいなら、捨てます。宗教の信念を捨てたいなら、捨てます。ナショナリズムを捨てたいなら、捨てます。そうすれば世界に平和がくるでしょう。でもみんなが何もしなかったら、世界が平和にならない理由は信念を持つみんなのせいです。
I made a longer version with slides for my Japanese class, which I presented last Friday. It was much better, but anyway, I think this short one is better since shorter :) People in my class were mostly shocked by my presentation, and were trying to find counter-arguments (Some of them were pretty good: what if I'm a pacifist and don't do anything when someone attacks me? What is different with children's quarrels? If you think you can make peace that way, isn't it a belief? (no, it's a thought, not a belief, but yeah, it's a good point), peace can be achieved if there are no more weapons, etc.) When I came back home, I heard from Fan that Bianca didn't like my presentation, and that I had a problem... oh well, whatever. I think you can judge by yourself looking at my blog if that doesn't make sense... And I don't believe in my speech, it is just an idea I have for now and which I can't find anything that contradicts it, so for me it is a truth now.
Going back with Daishi, we went to different places in Montreal. It was cool, but then every time we would walk too much, he would be pissed off by me making him walk too much... So it got on my nerves quickly... anyway... Then he would stay in (my) bed all day long because he was sick/depressed/sad/I-don't-know. The night he fought with me, I slept in Guillaume's bed, and he ate all Tylenols (some pills), after I told him a few days before that some people try to kill themselves by eating these... So I tried to take care of him all day long, but I was stressed because of my speech contest (the following day) so I asked Anais to come here to help me out if she wanted to. Later that day I had a talk with Daishi and we were good, I think. Then Anais cam and bang! He was super happy and everything was normal! Problem solved!
Another night (he was sick again), he would breath super fast and loud to make me feel like I need to take care of him. When I went to bed, I was really tired, but he wanted to talk, and so we talked about the same things over and over again... like how he could never be my friend anymore, how I should fake being his friend for the next few days, etc. When I stopped him to be able to sleep (it was 3-4am) he started this loud breathing, and since I couldn't sleep and didn't care, I decided to wake up, I turned on the light, and desperate and tired, I fetched Guillaume's help. As soon as I did that, Daishi was under his bed sheets and calm... So I went sleeping in the living room... Guillaume told me the next day that what I did was stupid and irresponsible, which I agree it was.
I think when there is a problem I always want to get someone for help, I can't solve it myself. Well, I mean, at least that's what I do sometimes, but I need to find ways on my own, even if they are not "the best solutions" ever.
And so then the following days he stayed home in bed, sick... He left on Sunday early morning (I went with him to the airport, we woke up at 5am, with the time back of one hour... @_@ ) At that time he wasn't so "annoying" anymore. I did sleep hugging him all night, because I did know I was gonna miss him, like I am now. I don't understand why exactly. I think he was the only person to really love me. And I loved him in return. I really did. But we didn't get along well, just because of me being nihilist and him being more capitalist (in thought, if you can say so...) So now he is back in Japan in his hometown, and I think things are going well.
Some days before he left, Fan was over-texting me... up to 3am... I was really pissed off, since he couldn't stop at all no matter what I told him, so I wrote this on facebook:
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Altruism vs Selfishness
I am an altruist person. If you have a problem, if you say something to me, if you come to me to talk, I will answer you, I will take time and I will try to help as much as I can. But there is something I just cannot do, it is to satisfy the selfishness of people.
Some people wanted to be in a relationship with me. Now I know that I cannot make this happen because what they want is a selfish relationship, and I can only give an altruist relationship. Some friends wanted me as their selfish "best friend" or something, but I cannot do that because I do not consider one person as better than another.
What has come to my mind lately was that some people want me to be selfish for them. They want me to believe they are more important than anyone else. I get asked "Am I more important to you than any other friend?" or I get a jealousy crisis every time I talk on the phone in presence of this friend...
Seriously, I am pissed off. These people know exactly how I think and what I think about them. I told them all this stuff already. I try to treat them like everyone else, but they ask for more, they want me to focus my life on them. It would be awesome if I was as selfish as them, but I am not at all and will never be.
So to these people: screw off! You want to possess me? Well, I don't want to possess you in return, nor do I actually want anyone to possess me. And no, it is not because I don't like you or anything, it is just because you are fucking annoying, I'm trying to get a life but all you want is for me to stop it and make it yours. And as much as I think you are an amazing person, I will never selfishly love you like you want me to. And since my altruist love is not what you are looking for with your probably capitalist-influenced mind, you should start thinking about giving up on me as something else than a friend.
So, just to make it clear: If you want to be more than just a friend of mine, you need to be as altruist as I am, or else you're only gonna be annoying. I am sorry you don't like it but it is just how my brain behaves. I have to treat everyone around me the same. I am an altruist person and I cannot help you in your selfishness.
Keum-Yeo and Jacqueline (my brother's girlfriend) liked it, and Keum-Yeo wrote "AMEN!". This makes me remind that Keum-Yeo has a close way of thinking to me, like for example this altruism she has and which she has difficulty with.
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Fan was still texting me, and so one day (Thursday after Daishi left), I decided I would let him come at my place. He definitely wanted sex, so in the end I just gave him what he wanted. I didn't like it (I don't want to have sex anymore) but he came and I did. Then I was like "ok, you got what you wanted, now you can leave and let me work on my assignments". He was really pissed off when I said that (and I know why! lol) but anyway, I didn't care. I didn't want him here in the first place, I just wanted to be left alone. So he left after me forcing him to do so...
He still texts me from time to time, but I always so I don't want him to come here...
The earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Well as much as I don't think I've been that much affected, the fact that Adrienne canceled all her classes and assignments probably did. I spent the whole week playing video games, not being able to do any work. I was thinking a lot about Daishi, Fan and Andy. For example, last week, I didn't sleep much. Just like now, I can't really fall asleep (i.e. I don't want to sleep). I've been crying a lot. Tonight I got Andy telling me that he is seeing someone. Well, he did tell me before, but I didn't understand it. Now I do, it means: sorry, I don't like you anymore and can't have sex with you, so don't lose your time with me anymore." Oh well, at least now I'm settled. It's the same with Fan and Daishi, it's a no and never. Good. Now I should stop loving them...
Then what else... I still haven't got an answer from my master's program... I'm currently playing FFXIII and a bit of FFXI, with Minecraft, and I'm watching some videos on nikoniko on Pokemon blue with only Pikachus. It's funny :P And I'm trying to study a little bit.
What I'd really like to do is to stop everything, buy a plane for Japan, and without telling anyone, just go live there, on my own. I could either become a Buddhist and work at a temple, or find someone to sleep with (there is a guy actually, xiaoyu, who wants me to come live at his place! lol) and find work in Japan to get a visa. I think the second option is less reckless, but I think I would still try to work in a temple, it sounds like it could help me out.
Oh, and there is also Meriadec who was really close-minded last week, and me and Julie were both telling him that what he said was stupid. I don't remember what it was exactly, but I was really pissed off knowing that some people think that narrowed way... But I guess we did make him think a little bit...
Well, I guess that's all... it's a long post but an important one I think. I don't know what is gonna happen next, but there isn't much. Well, actually, I have no plan in my life at any point... What should I do? I guess I have all doors open in front of me. Which way am I gonna take?
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