At some point I think this blog is just about me finding the definition of love. I have been "in love" multiple times since I started writing this blog. I think every time I thought of it as "let's try" instead of "let's live". Let me explain this a little bit more.
I remember four years ago, when I didn't have any friend and just moved to another city, I wanted to make friends so badly. And so I would kind of harass people to get them to like me. I would most of the time show them good things about me, talk to them all the time, show them that I was really interested even if they weren't. Anyway, I wanted to be loved but I was forcing it. I think I've learned.
But not exactly. I'm still doing the same thing. Whenever I fall in love, I feel like I have to do something quickly or else I will lose the guy. I have to text him the next day, talk to him all the time, etc. But seriously, how annoying is this? I guess it worked fine with Fan. I could text him all the time and he was the happiest guy in the world.
I developed another way of doing. You might already figured it out: I do whatever I want to do, just being myself. And so that's what I have been doing with these guys I've been falling in love with recently: I talk too them all the time not because I want them to like me, but because I just feel like it. I just feel like talking to them, and so that's what I do. I don't care if they think I'm creepy or anything, I just do it.
But you know it's wrong. I do that because I want to be loved. I don't want to believe that anyone could love me since I don't like myself, and so I feel so insecure that I need to get that love by myself, which is manipulation (playing with someone else's feelings). Anyway, something like that...
Yesterday I texted Eason. Maybe it was too soon, but anyway, I did it. I missed him so I wanted to hear from him. I didn't get anything back but you know what? I don't feel that bad about it. I know he's still gonna talk to me in the future. I trust him. I trust that he loves me. Or I want to believe that.
Wait, did I just use the word "believe"? OMG, I must be crazy. lol For one second I thought I just said "I believe" but no... I said it right, I wrote "I want to believe"! :D Not the same thing!! I know I can't believe in anything, but I'd like to, just because being in love and trusting the other person's love makes you feel so good. For example I was super motivated last week. But I guess it's wrong to believe, or believe in love (i.e. be in love), and if I want motivation I need to find it somewhere else. But not in the belief of reciprocal love. Oh no.
That being said, I don't know what I'm thinking anymore, but... La cocaina no es buena para su salud!
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