So I wanted to have sex with Andy and texted him, and finally, after all these weeks, he said I could come over, but that he was pretty tired. Indeed, he didn't sleep or ate for the past 24 hours! lol stupid Andy. But after stalking on his cellphone while some smoking odor came out from the bathroom where he was, I read some guy telling him that Andy shouldn't take this xxx because it's dangerous. And Andy answered that it was better than alcohol or other stuff. What? What is he taking? Anyway, I don't want to know, but it's probably not so good... but yeah, we actually talked about relationships and he wants a closed one... like everyone else... urgh, I can forget my dream now...
Edit (02/10/11): Noteworthy to add is that I took a shower at his place. It might be absurd to write down, but I almost completely forgot about this fact, and forgetting details is one of the worst thing for me. For example, I bought the exact same lube as he had the first time I went to see him, but the second time he had another one! lol And I drank some vodka before sleeping, thinking that I would be high just like I thought he was with what he just did in the washroom. I was wrong since he slept quite quickly :P And he didn't hug me much, but anyway... he did fuck me in the morning, but he didn't cum. Too tired? I don't know.
We only had sex in the morning because he was too tired, and he didn't even come, but I came in the evening and the morning! lol (why do I always have to come when I have sex? lol)
And so I went back home, Fan texted me the last night but I didn't answer because I was sleeping over... But I asked him if he wanted to come and see my new place, and he agreed. So he came here to "play video games". Well I don't really have any room, so we didn't have much privacy, but I think it was okay. He was not expecting three other straight guys, but oh well... We had quite some fun I guess :)
And this Stephen guy called him and wanted to meet him, and me at the same time, but in the end I told Fan that we should just go out the two of us. I wanted to spend time with Fan, my new boyfriend, and not meet his ex who doesn't like open relationships! lol Anyway, we went to this restaurant, had fun, came back and tried to buy beer, and then headed back home so that he would tell me a secret, the only lie left in all of his lies... lol!!
We were drinking some beers, facebook playing (like writing stupid stuff on each other's walls) and watching videos... funny evening with a funny guy :) Well he wasn't drunk yet and he told me his secret was that he was still virgin... lol that's it? I don't fucking care! lol And I'm not an unvirginer! (i.e. I don't have fun fucking people who are virgin). So he had to go because of his mom (always his mom...) so he left around 12 I think.
Then Daishi talked to me on facebook chat. And we skyped a bit. The same usual shit. He was crying, telling me he was happy about my relationship... he stopped working to his new place and now he's doing his last interview this week. If it doesn't work out, he's going back to Japan... Anyway, I guess there's not much I can do...
And so I went on talking to Guillaume, my best friend, about what happened in my life lately, all this sex/love/open relationship thing. And obviously, he didn't understand me. He thought something was wrong, that I didn't understand what love is, blablabla. Oh fuck you... :( I thought he would understand my feelings, but I guess not... Well, I guess not many people can. For example, I know Alex could, because of that: http://alexpinx.blogspot.com/2010/12/topic-love-lust.html (not sure the link will always be working, so here I will post it again, sorry for the length...)
Topic: Love & Lust
G: It sounds like you are only looking for platonic love. So you don't desire any physical pleasure at all?
A: I don't desire it at all because I always have a bunch of people around that I can fuck. What I'm missing is the one that I can love.
G: You said you don't enjoy having sex with random people without feeling love though.
A: It's hard to explain. But I like to have someone to love and also people to sleep with at the same time. If I'm missing the former, I would never be satisfied with the latter.
G: I'm not following you...
A: Like you fuck someone and you feel empty after the fuck. That's not the good feeling, you know.
G: So you like to sleep with someone who you feel comfortable with?
A: Not even. I like to have someone to love separately from my bed mates.
G: What.....
A: I can never have sex with someone that I like. Because I will always associate that person only with that mental, emotional connection. I can love someone for years and years without having sex with that person. That loving relationship would be only stable without sex, rather but meanwhile I would be sleeping with a bunch of randos. It doesn't mean that I don't love who I love or I also like the people that I sleep with. It is just that I like the person that I love and I just take the people that I sleep with like objects.
G: That's so...fucked. So you refuse to fuck the person who you love always?
A: Not that I refuse to, but more like I don't feel turned on at all. If I ever sleep with someone that I feel emotionally attached to I really have to fake it and would still feel very reluctant and not sexy at all.
G: That's so weird...
A: If I like someone I will start falling asleep in that person's bed every time. I like to kiss and cuddle with that person but not any further. On the other hand, I never kiss someone who I don't like. So I never kiss the person that I sleep with. When I have sex with someone I skip 1st, 2nd, 3rd base and just get to the point. I think kissing is a very intimate but also very sentimental action. I just can't do that without emotions. But sex? Yes.
G: Why don't you just combine two then. Kiss the person that you like and also sleep with the person.
A: I just can't. For me sex is hot when it's disrespectful and rough. I think I only get turned on when I feel that the person's intention is fully sexual and the sex is driven by only their lust. As much as you don't like the person and are so indifferent with that person, you feel so carefree and do whatever you want and have the hottest sex. And once you get sick of that person you can even discard and sleep with a new one, that's the beauty. But I will still love the person who I love with as I did from the beginning no matter how many times my bed partners have changed.
G: So the guys that you have slept with don't get emotional with you?
A: Of course they do. But I consider them as an object so none of my business.
G: You said you have been disgusted by the guys who are trying to hook up with you sexually...
A: Oh, it's because I'm missing the person who I can be mentally hooked with. If I'm missing such a person, I start feeling so skeptical about physical desires and shit. I need to ensure the platonic love first and my lust later.
G: There are many guys who like you sincerely not just with lust, you know...
A: Doesn't matter or doesn't mean anything if I don't find them special you know. I gotta fall in love with someone who I find special and the person gotta be vacant for me to pour all the love at.
G: That's so fucked up...I don't understand.
A: You just want to love somebody with no condition or without expecting rewards. You just like the person so much because that person just means a lot to you not because you feel sexual with that person.
G: Like how I feel with my mother or my sister...basically.
A: Maybe that's it. I don't know how other people feel about their family. My psychiatrist told me the same thing too. This "symptom" is due to the family affection deficiency from my childhood lol. Sth like that. But whatever.
Yeah, I want motherly love. Unconditional, warm, ever-lasting love that I can fully trust and I just never dare to fuck it whenever I find something close to like that.
A: I don't desire it at all because I always have a bunch of people around that I can fuck. What I'm missing is the one that I can love.
G: You said you don't enjoy having sex with random people without feeling love though.
A: It's hard to explain. But I like to have someone to love and also people to sleep with at the same time. If I'm missing the former, I would never be satisfied with the latter.
G: I'm not following you...
A: Like you fuck someone and you feel empty after the fuck. That's not the good feeling, you know.
G: So you like to sleep with someone who you feel comfortable with?
A: Not even. I like to have someone to love separately from my bed mates.
G: What.....
A: I can never have sex with someone that I like. Because I will always associate that person only with that mental, emotional connection. I can love someone for years and years without having sex with that person. That loving relationship would be only stable without sex, rather but meanwhile I would be sleeping with a bunch of randos. It doesn't mean that I don't love who I love or I also like the people that I sleep with. It is just that I like the person that I love and I just take the people that I sleep with like objects.
G: That's so...fucked. So you refuse to fuck the person who you love always?
A: Not that I refuse to, but more like I don't feel turned on at all. If I ever sleep with someone that I feel emotionally attached to I really have to fake it and would still feel very reluctant and not sexy at all.
G: That's so weird...
A: If I like someone I will start falling asleep in that person's bed every time. I like to kiss and cuddle with that person but not any further. On the other hand, I never kiss someone who I don't like. So I never kiss the person that I sleep with. When I have sex with someone I skip 1st, 2nd, 3rd base and just get to the point. I think kissing is a very intimate but also very sentimental action. I just can't do that without emotions. But sex? Yes.
G: Why don't you just combine two then. Kiss the person that you like and also sleep with the person.
A: I just can't. For me sex is hot when it's disrespectful and rough. I think I only get turned on when I feel that the person's intention is fully sexual and the sex is driven by only their lust. As much as you don't like the person and are so indifferent with that person, you feel so carefree and do whatever you want and have the hottest sex. And once you get sick of that person you can even discard and sleep with a new one, that's the beauty. But I will still love the person who I love with as I did from the beginning no matter how many times my bed partners have changed.
G: So the guys that you have slept with don't get emotional with you?
A: Of course they do. But I consider them as an object so none of my business.
G: You said you have been disgusted by the guys who are trying to hook up with you sexually...
A: Oh, it's because I'm missing the person who I can be mentally hooked with. If I'm missing such a person, I start feeling so skeptical about physical desires and shit. I need to ensure the platonic love first and my lust later.
G: There are many guys who like you sincerely not just with lust, you know...
A: Doesn't matter or doesn't mean anything if I don't find them special you know. I gotta fall in love with someone who I find special and the person gotta be vacant for me to pour all the love at.
G: That's so fucked up...I don't understand.
A: You just want to love somebody with no condition or without expecting rewards. You just like the person so much because that person just means a lot to you not because you feel sexual with that person.
G: Like how I feel with my mother or my sister...basically.
A: Maybe that's it. I don't know how other people feel about their family. My psychiatrist told me the same thing too. This "symptom" is due to the family affection deficiency from my childhood lol. Sth like that. But whatever.
Yeah, I want motherly love. Unconditional, warm, ever-lasting love that I can fully trust and I just never dare to fuck it whenever I find something close to like that.
And as you know, I'm Genmaicha, and Keumerz is Keum-Yeo from my Japanese class last year. Anyway, you can see my response! :) So I don't need to write more! lol
And so I didn't have sex until then, today I moved to my friend's place close to Chinatown, I'll be there for a few days before going back to my new place!!! :D School starts tomorrow, I already have homeworks. And thinking about school and work, it reminds me that I might start being this good kid again like before :S I don't want that... :( And worst of all, since I don't feel like having sex that much anymore, I'm thinking that I'm becoming "normal" again... and this is bad, since it will keep the "bad myself" shut down and it won't be me, so I'll feel bad... I hope Fan will make me bad over and over again :)
Ok, that's it for now! (lol I've been writing for hours!) Hopefully things won't get boring in the future! Because "They say how you spend new years is how you spend the rest of your year" :)
Oh, and I'm finally gonna meet Kyan this week. lol it was about time!
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