6/27 Eason

So, Eason came back on Friday. Let's say I had sex with other guys on the days before, and I was thinking of him just like any other, so just like I used to see him before. Casual sex. His friend came here with him, so I didn't really know what to expect. I mean, maybe we wouldn't have sex but just hang out, and I was pretty fine with that. I knew Eason was a nice guy, so I knew being around him was fun even with no sex. So anyway, I wasn't expecting anything, and so I had sex the night before (in fact I didn't sleep much with Simon, since we had sex three times; Simon is a guy who likes to suck me, and so on Tuesday and Wednesday he sucked me in the washrooms of Trottier, and Thursday I went to his place and slept there with him).

When I arrived at his room, I wasn't sure if Eason was alone or not, but he started hugging me and kissing, and so I went with it, while looking around. His friend was away, he left to give us some time, so we HAD to have sex. I wasn't prepared for this at all, but I just went along with it, though it was weird when I realized he was much more passionate in bed than I was.

And that's when I thought that I just thought of him as a hookup guy, nothing else. It's true that we used to cuddle, kiss, and so "love" each other when he came twice here (we met at the nye's foursome, then he came back during my study break and I made him sick, and then he came back again in late April) but I do the same with every other guy. It's true I've always liked him, but I never really thought he liked me that much in return. So I realized when we had sex on Friday. He really liked me, not just for sex.

His friend being around, we went clubbing, shopping, eating, hanging around, the three of us. It was different as it wasn't only me and Eason having sex in a hotel bed all day, but also going out and seeing how he talked to a friend, and having to know a friend of his, and asking questions to that friend to know more about Eason. And I found out Eason really liked me, since he would talk about me when he goes back to Toronto.

On Friday night, I wanted to suck him, and I swallowed his cum. That's something I usually never do. But I wanted to, because I knew he loved me and so I thought it was fine. I mean, it was HIM, so it doesn't matter whatever we do, since he's special. That was probably the first thing I noticed about me treating him as special.

On Saturday night we went to Unity, and just dancing with him, getting close but not as close as I would with Fan (i.e. keeping a reasonable distance I guess). And when we decided to go back to the hotel, the two of us since his friend was going with another guy, we obviously had sex, and I wanted to fuck him, and I did without a condom. It's weird, because I felt to some point it was natural, and to some other there was an excuse that we were drunk. It's not that without a condom is better, it's just that I loved Eason so much that I considered him special enough to do it raw.

It smelled really bad and I had poo on my T-shirt, but whatever, it didn't last long and I went cleaning right afterwards... We had sex later during the night when his friend came back (we had sex while his friend was sleeping the night before too).

Anyway, that's for the sex part. But I got to see how he acted with someone else other than me. And that is probably what changed my idea I had. I stopped thinking of Eason as a nice guy but started seeing him as a special guy. A guy I wanted to treat differently from any other guy. But I did bareback, and I might have gotten him sick (hey I'm a slut, even if I'm safe), but at least I felt bad about it, instead of other guys who I usually don't care if they get sick after swallowing my cum or something. But I really felt bad about it and so I told Eason. He was pretty understandable, and at the same time I told him I loved him, and was getting pretty sentimental about him leaving again, just when I realized I had strong feelings for him. And after I realized he came to see me and only me three times in four months... I felt like he liked me more than what I thought.

Anyway, I told him I loved him. I don't know if it's true love or whatever. I just know there haven't been a guy who I've been considering that special in a long time. I guess the last one was Andy (i.e. he was special to me and I was ready to do something to him for example; but it was one-way love). It reminded me that I didn't really love my previous boyfriends, I didn't want to do anything for them in return, but just be myself. I thought this was because of the way I am/think/behave, but maybe it was just because I didn't really love these guys. I considered them as hookup guys I have sex with. And I didn't want to get attached to them.

But Eason is different. When we had to leave, and when I came back to my place and felt sad for all day, I found it similar to when I had to leave my first love. I was ten at that time, but I really felt like everything was gone, I felt really sad. I felt sad when Christian, my first "real" bf left, but I think it was just because I was losing him (i.e. I didn't have anyone in my life, so losing him was losing everything). So it was just loneliness and not love. So maybe all my love problems were about being alone and falling in love because of that. I don't I've ever felt alone while I've known Eason. At first, I was in a relationship with Fan, who I never really loved. Then I was single but not looking for love. And now I guess I found out the meaning of love. When both really love each other. Not too much, not too little. Just enough.

Guys who love me were always REALLY in love. I say that they see me like a God. And those I fell in love really never felt the same way in return, probably because of the same thing. lol Anyway, it went well with Eason, because of the distance I guess.

So, I talked about it with Khanh, my roommate, and he thought I should go to Toronto for Eason's birthday next weekend. And Khanh wants to go with me, so that I don't go alone. It sounds pretty cool, and it would be a surprise for Eason, and I actually feel really excited about it :) I miss him, and I think we would see each other in a different situation (me at his place for the first time), so it can't be a bad thing, and could help our relationship to go somewhere. Because for now, like we talked together, our only problem is the distance between us. But I don't think it's that much of a distance. If we see each other from time to time every 3 or 4 weeks, then it should be enough :) Let's see how things go!

But anyway, I'm not super excited, I don't feel like I'm the happiest guy in the world, I don't feel like telling everybody, I don't feel like I've met the guy of my life, but... I think I'm in love. A rational love. For the first time in my life?