So what do I want? What is a perfect relationship for me?
A perfect relationship is probably just having someone living with me. Nothing else. And by that, I mean someone who thinks of relationships the same way. For example, someone I don't love (well, I can't "Love" anyone anyway...), someone who doesn't expect me to do anything for him/her. So just a friend, but a friend who I am living with, and who can accept who I am (which I just described).
But the problem is that this person doesn't exist, and yet I am looking for it. Even worse, I get all "emotional" whenever I feel like this or that guy "could be the one I am looking for"... I feel like "this could be it!" or even worse, "I could try to get over all my stupid moral nihilist idea and try to get with that guy". Yes, every time I get to know a new guy that interests me, I get over the same stupid dream in my head. Fucking stupid dream.
Why? Because it is hard. Being myself isn't hard. But being myself surrounded by completely different people is. I want the relationship I described. But that implies someone else that doesn't exist in this world. And so therefore I cannot be happy in this world. I cannot "have what I want". But more importantly, I cannot feel good by being myself. And I wouldn't feel good if I wasn't myself either. So in no way I will find happiness. And that probably explains why I so much hate people around me.
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