5/15 Get Lost

So I've been translating like crazy lately, Adrienne gave me a summer "job", so it's cool. And well Adrienne loves me too much, which is cool since I love her as much. I wrote on my new facebook this: "I LOVE Adrienne. I mean, more than anyone else I ever loved in my life, and I don't just love her, I fantasize her as my mom. And I think she loves me reciprocally. Maybe I should try to stop having these thoughts? (but she's really not helping at all...)" but I guess just as this blog, nobody really reads anything I write :P

I still have these emails from the japanese manhunt members I contacted around two months ago. and I haven't answered yet. Well, I don't have time. Or maybe I don't find it interesting anymore. I feel like I have no idea where my life is going.

When I look back at my past (e.g. my previous posts on this blog) I can see how childish I was. For example, looking for a boyfriend and having all these stupid feelings was REALLY stupid. Now I've realized that. Yet whenever I start meeting someone I'm like "oh, he's hot, what if we were together?" I guess it's plainly some possessive thoughts, or capitalist, that I have and should get rid of. But at the same time I've reached a point where whenever I meet someone, even if he is hot, I don't care about that person, even as a friend. I mean, everyone is the same in the end. Everyone goes along the norms without criticizing them. which sucks. nobody can think.

Bu why am I saying that? I'm just making an excuse to explain why I don't want to be in a relationship. The only reason is that people expect too much from me in a relationship. And I just can't give them anything back. This looks crazy, but is true. I want to be like brothers in a relationship, not like "lovers". I want someone to live along me, but not someone exclusive I spend all my time with. Anyway, I don't want this possessive mentality that originated from the "West" through movies for example. And so that's why I was thinking of getting lost. Getting lost to a country where more people are different from this ideology.

Thailand? Vietnam? Philippines? I guess somewhere in Southeast Asia. Why? Because I feel it is right for me. Maybe because I saw too many (well all of them) movies of Apichatpong Weerasethakul, and it always makes me want to fly there right now. And then not only looking at all the beautiful landscapes, but first because some villages are still inaka, and that is exactly where I want to live. I want to live in the forest, far from any source of oppression. I want to be able to live freely with nothing to go in my way.

So I was thinking about Thailand from the movies, but then I met this Son guy on facebook, who is pretty nice and fun, and he's living in Vietnam. Also, vietnamese is much easier to learn than thai since it is written in roman alphabet and somewhat close to chinese and french, so I might give it a try! :) I'd actually really like to go to Vietnam at the end of the summer, but I definitely won't have money at all, so I might just forget it... $1500 lol and it's going to Japan, so I might as well just go to Japan :P But well yeah, I realized I didn't want to live in Japan or something, because it looks too similar to here. It's the same thing with a different language, and probably even more capitalist... :/ I want a complete change of air, something inaka and lost. I want to be lost.

So I should probably think about teaching English or French in Vietnam? :) Right after I graduate from UdeM? That would be awesome! :D But by then I know Son will have forgot me, I will start to dislike Vietnam, like something else, etc. Anyway, I don't have any choice right now, I'm stuck in Montreal for a year, so I might as well try to save money for afterwards! And start learning new languages, just in case! :)

Anyway, I need to keep working on my translation for Adrienne. I told myself I would send whatever I have tonight, so that's what I will do!

Good night folks!