10/10 Hate

I asked Eason if he was okay for accepting my request for being my boyfriend on facebook, and he said no. It pissed me off. Obviously.

I didn't want to test him (if he considers me to be his bf or not) or anything, I just wanted to have it shown on my facebook so that everyone else knows. So that people at school, or stupid annoying people stop thinking about a way to get me. And last thing, I thought he would be happy, since I wondered if whether or not he wanted every of his friends to know he is in a relationship. So I was like "great, I'll just go on and ask him, maybe he's been waiting for me to ask him, that might make his day!" I wrote too quickly and sent an incomprehensible mess, but here it is:

"Are you gonna accept my "request" if I put you in my relationship status or do you prefer your friends on facebook not knowing about it? :)"

To which he answered, a few hours later:
"I prefer the second one"

And I said "Ok :)" and obviously I meant "Ok :(" lol

So I was mad at him, I didn't have any explanation, I have lots of questions, etc. So I decided to change my status anyway, and not adding him. It was my first plan anyway (like I was asking him if he wanted to be named or not, but I was gonna change it anyway). But this time I think I did it because I was annoyed. I'm really stupid, but want him to feel bad about it, and wait until he talks to me first. Yeah, that's pretty childish and everything, but anyway, I suppose I'm getting tired of trying to understand his feelings for me, and how he defines them exactly.

And that's not all... my stupid annoying friends on facebook started a fanclub and liked my new status non-stop. Then I made some guys sad about it (like Daniel my first bf who wrote how sad life is on his wall). FUCK!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!?!

I've always thought life was like a game of Sims. That everyone has different qualities at different attributes, but that in the end everyone is equal. But I've realized this was wrong. I never wanted to admit it, but some people are smarter than others. And by smartness, I mean the capacity to understand yourself and others (hence to understand the world). Everyone I know, with no exception, is unable to do so. Even I don't understand completely myself and others. But I haven't found anyone who was better at it than I am. From my teenage I was able to figure out someone just by being in the same class. I was able to know exactly when someone lies or not. My understanding of people became much better with my understanding of myself. By being completely honest with myself, I was able to understand how human thought works. And then I applied what I found on others, to realize that they are the same as me, but do not want to accept it. Then lie. They live in a world of lies, and prefer to follow and believe it rather than being honest and realistic. Some people are smarter than others. Some are more able to distance themselves from the world of lies, and others have understood how to use this world of lies at their advantage (by influencing). Nonetheless, these two categories of people are "less smart than me". I make it sounds like I am a God, but seriously I won't lose time trying to explain what you can probably figure out by yourself (look around on this blog for a start). Call it smart or crazy, I've started to hate people. Hate them because they do not want to see the truth. Because they prefer being in their world of lies. I've tried to be honest with them, take my time and explain them how the world really works. Make them realize that they were wrong. It sometimes work. Or maybe I think it fails because I haven't seen much results, only people arguing over what I say.

So here is the thing. I am smart. There is no doubt over it. If "smart" is the wrong word, then it is still the word that everyone has used to describe me. I know how to influence people. I know the best strategies to influence as many people as possible. I could become a King, I could become a President, I could become a God. But unlike them, I do not want to influence anyone. I want them to understand the lies they live in. I only want the truth. I want this world of lies becoming a world of truths. Why? Because I'm an honest person, but I am alone. I want honest friends. I want to feel comfortable in this world. I've never been. I've never had friends I liked. And so I suppose this plan of mine, this change of world I want to create, is all an egocentric need I had since I was born. I want to change the world because I have never been happy with it. Not because something is better than something else, but because I know I am real to myself but others are not. Or maybe I'm just being crazy? Well, even if I am crazy, I'm still much less crazy than everyone else.